Suri Cruise turns 2 today...a milestone for the one Scientologists call Muad'Dib.
Other two-year-olds may enjoy cake and ice cream on their birthday, and possibly a smelly guy making balloon animals...but for Suri, this is a day for quiet reflection and not frivolous celebration.
There were many things Suri wanted to accomplish by the time she turned 2. Curing cancer. Writing an opera. Becoming the first half-android to walk on Mars. But somehow, none of these things have happened...and her keeper Tom Cruise wants answers.
"There's a lot of disappointment," said a Cruise-clan insider. "Tom figured Suri would've won a Nobel Prize and possibly a Pulitzer by the time she was 2. But Suri doesn't have the kind of work ethic Tom expects. He sticks her in the lab and tells her, 'Okay Suri...cure a disease!' and she just starts bawling and knocking over expensive equipment. Then she says, 'Want mommy! Want play wif dolly!' and Tom just starts seething. He can't believe what a lazy little brat she is."
Suri has proven equally inept at artistic pursuits.
"Tom had her pegged as the next Picasso," the insider says. "But she doesn't even fingerpaint. She just tries to eat the paint or make moustaches on herself. She thinks these things are hilarious."
Tom's nerves are reportedly frayed to the breaking-point over Suri's lack of ambition. He has allegedly even considered taking her back to the manufacturer to be overhauled. The only one standing in his way is Katie Holmes, who gave birth to Suri's human half after being impregnated with sperm Tom purchased from a mad Ukranian super genius.
"Katie loves little Suri," our source says. "She doesn't care that Suri is half an android whose biological fathers were prisoners the mad Ukranian super genius killed in the process of extracting sperm from. Katie has the blind love of a mother. Even if Suri only ends up curing halitosis or writing a rock opera, Katie will still love her."
Katie was initially reluctant to confront Tom about his unrealistic expectations for their daughter (two words: cattle prod), but lately she's gotten bolder. And more reeking of alcohol. Friends suspect these two things are related.
"She doesn't put up with his shit like before," our source tattled. "In the old days he would just stuff her in the refrigerator, which he called her 'Learning Box.' But now she's begun fighting back. She doesn't even flinch anymore when he pushes her obedience button. He's worried that he may be losing her."
Katie's friends believe she will soon take Suri and flee someplace where she knows Tom will never follow.
"Katie got an invitation from Hugh Hefner," the spy reveals. "He's offered to put her up at the Playboy Mansion. Tom wouldn't set foot inside there for all the money in the world. Tits scare him shitless."
