1. Photoshoot attended by Miley's parents, Disney brass, Joe Simpson, Hulk Hogan and various funny-smelling, unshaven men in crusty flannel shirts with shaky hands who just started showing up (most of them were Mormons).
2. Wig woven out of the body hair of people who've died of heart attacks on Disneyland rides.
3. Make-up covers lobotomy scar.
4. Glass eye (real eye lost in unfortunate teen-girl-silliness-related accident).
5. Photoshop hides full-back dragon tattoo.
6. Annie Leibovitz originally requested the Shroud of Turin but had to settle for a semen-stained sheet borrowed from Zac Efron.
7. Nose on loan from Ashley Tisdale's collection of former body parts.
8. So close, pedo freaks.
9. All that stands between Miley and Vanessa Hudgensdom.
10. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this picture. You go Miley!
