Kanye Off The Hook

If Kanye West were female and talentless, he would be Mischa Barton or Lindsay Lohan. But because Kanye is male and a genius, his meltdown comes with awesomely bizarre short films.

It's official: The Taylor Swift thing was a cry for help.

Now He's Really Screwed

Miley Cyrus has put in her two cents on the Kanye West/Taylor Swift controversy. The picture above gives a hint as to which side Miley is on.

"I'd tell him to get off the stage," Miley said when asked about West's infamous jackassery. "It's her moment. For those times that you are able to tell your speech, you do it. And it's disrespectful as an artist, and I know he even said his family would not be happy if someone did that to them."

Pissing off the president is bad enough, but pissing off the Queen of the Hillbilles? Kanye might as well move to Canada or France or some other Socialist country right now. He's a dead man walking in the Real America.

Kanye's Lucky He's Not A Fly

The President thought he was speaking off-the-record when he called Kanye West a "jackass" for stealing the spotlight from Taylor Swift during the VMAs. Unfortunately, in the Twitter era - did I mention I'm on Twitter? - there is no such thing as off-the-record.

Within a couple hours of a bunch of reporters gleefully tweeting about Obama's remark, the audio was available. So the rest of us can enjoy the prez making like Kathy Griffin. At least his boobs are real.

Kontrition

Kanye West appeared on Jay Leno's debut show to say he was sorry for picking on Taylor Swift at the VMAs. So let's see: Leno has a new show, Kanye pulls some shit, Kanye goes on Leno's show to explain said shit.

Stuff like this is why people think everything is staged.

I'm pretty sure the Kanye shit wasn't staged though. I can't see Taylor Swift consenting to participate in such a con. Plus, I've seen a Taylor Swift video or two, and can state with confidence that she is not a good enough actress to pull such a thing off.

Swayze Succumbs

Patrick Swayze has lost his battle with pancreatic cancer and moved on to that great roadhouse in the sky. He was 57.

KANYE REALLY BUSTED UP ABOUT THIS. PATRICK SWAYZE SEEMED LIKE A GOOD DUDE. THEN AGAIN KANYE DIDN'T REALLY KNOW HIM. MAYBE HE WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE. KANYE APOLOGIZES FOR SAYING THAT. DAMN KANYE CAN'T DO NOTHING RIGHT.

Back On The Street

Susan Boyle has recovered from her latest bout with nervous exhaustion and...

KANYE INTERRUPTS THIS POST TO REPORT THAT SUSAN BOYLE IS BACK IN THE BOOBYHATCH BECAUSE SHE A BIG CRAZY WHITE LADY WHO CAN'T STOP LOSING HER SHIT. KANYE CAN RELATE TO THAT, EXCEPT FOR THE WHITE PART AND THE LADY PART (EXCEPT WHEN KANYE PUTS ON HIS LADY DRESSES, THEN HE CAN RELATE. PEACE MY PEEPS.)

That's What Kanye's Talking About

Rihanna stole those pants from MIA. KANYE WOULD LIKE TO HELP RIHANNA GIVE THEM BACK.

Useless And Uselesser

Question: Which of these useless women did John Mayer have sex with after the VMAs?

Answer: Neither. He was too busy jerking off to a picture of himself in bed with Kanye West that he made with Photoshop.

KANYE WEST THINKS THIS POST SUCKS BECAUSE IT IS TWO WHITE GIRLS. WHERE THE SISTERS AT? ON SECOND THOUGHT, KANYE WANTS TO FUCK KATY PERRY. HE LIKES HIM SOME FINE TITTIES, DON'T MATTER WHAT COLOR.

Charade

Kanye West wants everyone to know that Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez's relationship is a sham. Or, no wait, I did that wrong. It should've been:

KANYE WEST WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT MARC ANTHONY AND JENNIFER LOPEZ'S RELATIONSHIP IS A SHAM AND GEORGE BUSH HATES BLACK PEOPLE AND TAYLOR SWIFT I'M SO SORRY I RUINED YOUR NIGHT GIRL BUT LET'S FACE IT YOU ARE AN UNTALENTED TWAT AND IF YOU WEREN'T PRETTY AND WHITE YOU WOULD BE WORKING AT JACK-IN-THE-BOX SPEAKING OF WHICH I COULD SURE USE A TASTY BURGER COOKED AND SERVED BY BLACK PEOPLE.

Vampiric Threesome

K-Stew, Pattinson and Taylor Lautner put in a little promotional appearance at the VMAs. Kanye West did not rush the stage in protest of a lack of black vampires in the Twilight movies.

K-Stew was rocking a new variation on the short hair she's been sporting since chopping it for the Joan Jett movie. Lautner looks left out here, now? Maybe he should offer Taylor Swift some of his consoling semen.

I Really Hope It's A Bit...

I sincerely hope that Kanye West was only playing with us when he, now infamously, virtually molested Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the VMAs, all because he thought Beyonce should've won instead. I do not want to believe that there is a grown man anywhere on this earth who takes the MTV Video Music Awards seriously enough to actually be burned about who wins and who doesn't.

Did anyone ever explain to Kanye that awards are meaningless, and awards given by MTV even more so?

Of course this is not the first time Kanye has flipped out in response to what he perceived as a snub to his race. He also got mad at George Bush, you recall, after the federal government's piss-poor response to Katrina, claiming on TV that Bush "hates black people."

Well, okay, I'll give him that one. But ruining darling little Taylor Swift's shining moment in the spotlight because he thinks all music awards should be given to black people, or at least people as close to black as Beyonce?

Honestly Kanye, hasn't your race gotten enough acknowledgement lately? Didn't we elect a half-negro to be our president? Don't millions of useless, fat, drunken white people shell out untold millions of dollars every year to watch black athletes perform in their little phony sporting events? Don't we all love Denzel Washington and...other African-American actors whose names will come to me in a second?

Can't we, occasionally, give some props to pale, pretty white girls with blonde hair who write their own lame songs and sing them in thin little voices while pretend-strumming their guitars?

Don Cheadle. That's another one. Everyone loves Don Cheadle.

No Kanye, what you did is not cool. It did not, despite your delusions, strike a blow for black people everywhere. And it definitely did not help you any. In fact, I'd say there are certain sections of this country where you are now persona non grata.

Piece of advice Kanye: If you're ever walking down the street and you see a pick-up full of rope-brandishing white people coming toward you? You better make a break for it. And hope your feets don't fail you.

He Done Warned You

Somebody took Kanye's picture again. Don't they know he doesn't like that?

There need to be signs erected wherever Kanye is: Do not take Kanye's picture. Like, "Do not feed the animals," or, "Do not give Andy Dick liquor." I'm trying to make the world a safer place here.

Kanye Puts Media On Notice

Kanye West wants everyone to know that he isn't fooling around anymore. If you are a member of the media and you get up in his face, he will possibly kill you.

"I'm sorry I broke your arm/I meant to break your camera," West freestyle rapped at a recent show, referring to some violent confrontations he's had with paps. Kanye then added, "I could kill a man/I am a man/Don't forget I could kill a man."

By this we have to assume that Kanye is armed, and basically ready to go on a rampage. If you have a camera, and should happen upon Kanye West, just back away slowly. And whatever you do don't take his picture. He doesn't like that.

Moving Up The Douchebag Scale

Amber Rose, that freaky chick who was always being photographed hanging off Kanye West like a bizarre bald-headed accessory, has moved on from Kanye and attached herself succubus-like to a higher order of douchebag, Chris Brown.

The New York Daily News says Amber, who may be from another planet, got together with Chris at Diddy's July 4th White Party (a party where everyone wears white and whips people until they pick cotton). "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows," said a spy. "She had her hand on his leg."

And he had his hand on her tentacle. Seriously, that is a weird chick. She makes Lady GaGa look like Kelly Clarkson.

This Is What He Meant By A Music Career?

For some reason, when Joaquin Phoenix said he was embarking on a music career, I pictured him strumming a guitar and crooning about fire and rain like some wannabe James Taylor. I did not see him trying to become a cross between Kanye West and the Unabomber. I've become convinced that the whole thing is some kind of put-on. Ben Affleck's brother Casey is apparently filming Joaquin's antics for a documentary, which seems like a hint. I guess Joaquin got bored starring in movies about fire fighters and wanted to become the new Ashton Kutcher. We all need a dream.

Mr. Normal

What the hell's the matter with Kanye West? I expect eccentricity and weirdness from this guy, not normal. Put on some wacky sunglasses or something Kanye. Smack a photographer. Go off on a rant against George Bush. Shave your head and paint it hot pink and change your name to Sultan Kanye Macadamia III of Gondwanaland. Amuse me, bitch.

Giant Doof

Is it possible to be a bigger doofus than Kanye West? No, it's not.

You Will Know Me By The Trail Of Douchery

What's going on with Kanye West? Bitch got arrested early Friday morning in England for, you guessed it, getting in an altercation with a pap. The snapper, who incidentally made a similar assault claim against a soccer player a month ago, says Kanye got irritated at him while exiting a club with 4 hookers on his arms, and shoved his camera into his face and bloodied his nose. The cops looked into it but released Kanye without charges. It wasn't long ago, we recall, that Kanye was arrested at LAX for going all Kanye on another photographer, breaking the man's equipment. I guess it's all-out war between Kanye and the paps. The paps better start bringing the heavy shit if they expect to survive this epic struggle. For Kanye is the greatest of all warriors and will open up a can of whup-ass on anyone who dares take his picture at 3 in the morning when he's trying to get to the hotel room with his hos. Does he wear his backpack when he goes out to the club?

Humorless Putz

Actor Mark Wahlberg is all bent out of shape because Saturday Night Live made fun of him in the already semi-legendary "Barky Bark and The Donkey Bunch" skit starring Andy Samberg. Said Wahlberg when asked about the clip by the New York Post's Reed Tucker:

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now.

Sour grapes Marky. Just like when Eminem pissed you off years ago on MTV by bringing up your early Marky Mark persona. Why are you so keen to disavow that part of your life anyway Marky? Is it your way of acknowledging that your whole white rapper phase was unbelievably douchey and lame? You're still a douchebag Marky...a completely humorless putz like Kanye West. You think the sun rises and sets in your ass and if anyone deigns to mock you it's some kind of crime against humanity. Well get over it. Samberg nailed you. The skit is hilarious even if it makes no sense. There's no sadder trait in a human being than the inability to laugh at oneself, and you clearly possess this trait Marky.

Stupid Ass

Kanye West and his assistant were arrested at LAX for attacking a TMZ photographer and breaking both the guy's cameras. TMZ says Kanye broke the dude's still camera, then his assistant smashed the guy's video camera - but not before he got tape of a raging Kanye that TMZ promises to run later today. The cops say Kanye and the assistant will be booked for felony vandalism. He continues to go unpunished for all his other crimes against humanity including being a gigantic asshole. That being said, he's a terrific rapper.