Aniston's Publicist Goes Bitch-Ass On Today Show

Jennifer Aniston's publicist is no one to screw around with, as NBC's Today show has now discovered.

The whole sordid affair began because of an US Weekly "exclusive" about Vince Vaughn's proposal to Aniston; Stephen Huvane, Aniston's publicist, went on a denial binge over the story, but this didn't stop the Today show from running with it, even going so far as to interview US's editor Janice Min on the air. Bad move for the Today show. Because Stephen Huvane, his underwear in a bunch, is now threatening to boycott the program. And Huvane represents people like Gwyneth Paltrow, Demi Moore and Kirsten Dunst, people the Today show might want to have on their program in the foreseeable future.

Here's what the Today show doesn't seem to understand. A good publicist is more than just the person who releases statements for you when you get caught driving drunk then spouting anti-Semitic epithets - a good publicist is like a mother, protective to the point of psychosis. So when somebody messes with one of Stephen Huvane's clients...have any of you ever seen the Sally Field movie Eye for an Eye? Yeah. That's how people like Stephen Huvane roll when you mess with their babies (unless of course said babies decide to sign with another agency, then it's like they never existed). So the lesson for people like the Today show producers is this: check with people before you do stories on them. Don't go reporting stuff until you've called the publicist and found out exactly what you're supposed to say. Programs like the Today show aren't about independent journalism, they're about selling crap. And since celebs are the biggest commodity in the world today - well, it just doesn't pay to tick off their publicists does it? Especially not the catty ones.

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Suri Cruise "Not Deformed"

Speculation has been running rampant about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's well-protected little bundle of pooping joy Suri: what does the baby look like, does it have its mother's eyes, will it possess magical Scientology powers like its father? Well, apparently, Suri isn't as much of a mystery as some have been led to believe - in fact, Suri has already been seen by many people. According to New York Daily News columnist Ben Widdicombe (a certified hottie if you ask me), Suri was present at a recent birthday bash for Jaden Smith, son of midget actress Jada Pinkett Smith. According to one eyewitness, little Suri, "is a beautiful baby. She had no deformities that I could see! She has a gorgeous head full of dark, curly hair, and she resembles both parents, though she looks slightly more like Tom." So there you go speculation-monkeys - Suri Cruise is not deformed. She does not have octopus limbs, or three eyes, or a satellite dish sticking out of her butt. She looks like - gasp! - a baby. A human baby. Not some kind of bizarre half-fish/half-chimpanzee but a regular human baby.

Let me summarize the logic of people who've speculated that Suri Cruise must be deformed or at least very ugly: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided not to subject their innocent child to public scrutiny, therefore it must be The Elephant Baby. Makes perfect sense to me.

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Breaking News: Keanu Reeves Runs Red Light at LAX. Okay, "Breaking News" Might Be a Little Over-the-Top.

Reclusive movie star and super-hottie Keanu Reeves got himself pulled over at LAX today for running a red-light, so reports celebrity gossip site TMZ. The incident happened at around 3:00pm local time, and ended in Reeves being let off with a warning. My own sources tell me that Reeves has long had trouble remembering what the different color traffic lights mean. Oh, stop Crabbie - it isn't nice to pick on a man like that. Especially not one as delish as Keanu.

I remember one time when I was in one of my depressions, a bad one like I sometimes get because of this damned chemical imbalance (my mother smoked too many Luckies when she was pregnant with me). I was in such a terrible funk that all I wanted to do was lay around the house scooping ice cream down my throat and watching the tube (you know, like every other day), and suddenly in the midst of the darkness there came this vision: it was Keanu in that movie Sweet November, you know, the one with Charlize Theron as the kookie broad who used to be Sandy Dennis back in the old days. I tell you, watching Keanu in that movie just perked me right up. I thought to myself, "If Keanu Reeves can drag himself through a piece of horse crap like this, then I can surely roust myself out of bed and do something with my life." And I did. Of course the "something" wasn't much more than going into the kitchen to whip myself up a souffle, but hey, you know what they say - a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single dessert.

Johansson and Hartnett Get a Place. Woody Allen Stands Out Front in the Rain.

Big-boobed Scarlett Johansson and just-plain-boob Josh Hartnett, romantically linked for awhile now, have apparently decided to take the plunge - no, not that plunge; I mean the one into mutual home-ownership (which once upon a time meant they had already taken the other plunge, but these being the times they are, it only means the two of them are sick of restaurant bathrooms). The loft, located in New York's uber-hip TriBeCa (you know it's uber-hip because Robert De Niro lives there - yeah right!), set the pair back six-million smackers, and for that amount of money it's no surprise Scarlett put in a little request to the building's owners - that they add a little extra sound-proofing to the bedroom. Scarlett, you naughty girl, what exactly were you thinking of doing in that bedroom? On second thought, don't tell me. I'd rather not think of the pounding poor Josh is going to take from those cannonballs of yours. Honestly, if I live to be a thousand, I'll never see the appeal. I mean think about it boys - your mom has a pair of those. Liza Minnelli has them. Fricking Nancy Grace has them. So how great can they really be?

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Allen Wins $95,000 From Doumanian. Yeah, Like Jean Doumanian Has 95 Grand.

The little pissing match earlier this year between Woody Allen and his old producer Jean Doumanian has resulted in Doumanian being forced to cough up $95,000 in legal fees and other penalties. The unpleasantness between the former friends resulted from a disagreement over how to cut some of Allen's movies for TV presentation, Doumanian electing to dub in new words in place of swears while Allen preferred bleeping (someone should look into bleeping out all of Celebrity, and blacking out the image too while they're at it). In 2001, Allen accused Doumanian and her personal assistant, Jacqui Safra, of screwing him out of $12 million dollars in earnings from his films (must've been a lot of films to add up to $12 million), and won an undisclosed settlement in 2002. Now that the latest case has been settled, Allen can return to boning his daughter, who I heard just graduated from junior high, and drooling over Scarlett Johansson on the side, while Doumanian goes back to selling Pakistani kids scraps of her underwear so she can buy booze.

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Paris Bitten By Monkey. Monkey Needs Shots.

Skanky heiress/media-whore Paris Hilton loves animals, but apparently animals do not have such positive feelings about her. At least her pet monkey Baby Luv doesn't (I wonder if Paris Hilton even knows who The Supremes are). The other day, Baby Luv, perhaps driven crazy by the fumes emanating from Paris's nethers, decided to bite its mistress on the arm, sending Paris to the hospital. Ms. Hilton was given a tetanus shot; no word yet on what shots the monkey was given.

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