Update: Marshall And Kim Mathers Back On (Or Not)

Who hasn't been a fool for love at least once in their life? You know, when you find that special someone you think you can't live without, and anything remotely resembling sanity flees your infatuated mind. You lie awake at night thinking of the person, agonizing over them; you fly into jealous rages whenever you think they might have eyes for someone else. You carve their initials into your forearm. You put their number on speed-dial, and call them over and over, until they're finally forced to get an unlisted number. But you can't take a hint, can you? No. You start following them back and forth from work, and when they go out, and when night falls you stand on the street staring up at the shadows moving around behind their window-shades. Then one day they catch you, and get a restraining order slapped on you. And still you don't learn your lesson. So you lop off your little finger and mail it to them. That'll get their attention...

I think we've all been there, haven't we? Yes. And what makes it even better is when two people feel that way about each other. The French have a marvelous term for this: folie a deux - "madness for two." I think that phrase just about sums up the situation for rapper Marshall Mathers aka Eminem and his ex-wife Kim, who despite having married and divorced twice already are reportedly engaged yet again.

The news comes to us via rapper Akon. "Eminem still loves Kim," says Mr. Akon. "They have one of those relationships where they are off one minute and back together the next. He can't live with her, and he can't live without her. But they are meant for each other. They are engaged again."

They are meant for each other - never were truer words spoken, Mr. Akon. And, surely, this time the marriage will stick. Whatever differences these two have, their love is obviously true - truly insane. So, one way or another, I believe they will spend the rest of their lives together. Of course, the rest of their lives could end up being about two weeks - you know, long enough for them to get their affairs squared away before they carry out the suicide pact. The one thing I don't see happening is this couple breaking up for good. All right, so maybe they get married again, and divorced about three months later. Does that mean they're going to be apart forever? Obviously not. Because, for some reason, these two people just can't get over each other. No matter how much they fight and bicker and threaten to kill each other, when they look into each other's eyes, they just can't help feeling the same way they've always felt - completely and irrationally fixated on the idea that the other person is secretly screwing around. And that kind of lunatic jealousy is a bond no one can break.

Update: A rep for Marshall Mathers says he is not in fact engaged to Kim yet again. Sure you're not Marshall.

Crabbie's Quickies: Longoria/Parker Engagement; Sheen/Richards Divorce; Anna Nicole Booted; DeVito Drunk

Swarthy Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria and Euro-trash basketballer Tony Parker have announced their engagement.

Longoria broke the news first to her friend Ryan Seacrest in an early-morning phone call. Seacrest's high-pitched squeal of excitement was so powerful it shattered crystal five-hundred miles away.

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On the flip-side of marriage news, Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Denise Richards are officially divorced.

So now when Charlie fucks hookers, it's no longer technically adultery.

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Brain-dead model Anna Nicole Smith has been ordered to vacate her Bahamas home, several months after originally being evicted.

I'm not actually sure I would want to live in a house Anna Nicole Smith had previously occupied. That booze-belch odor is hard to get out, and then there are all the bodies buried in the backyard.

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Rotund actor Danny DeVito is taking lots of shit over his drunken appearance yesterday on ABC's The View.

I don't know about you, but if I knew I was going to be facing Rosie O'Donnell in a few hours, I'd be pouring liquor down my throat like Shelley Winters at a wrap party (and that's a lot of drinking, folks).

Josh Hartnett's New Main Squeeze

Hunky Josh Hartnett has apparently found a replacement for former girlfriend Scarlett Johansson. She's an actress too, and her name is Amber Sainsbury. She and Josh have been working on a movie together, 30 Days of Night. Sources say they spent two days hunkered down at a hotel recently, but Josh's rep says they're "just friends." Which of course means they've been fucking like a couple of wild beasts.

It's nice to see Josh picking himself up off the matt so soon after the Scarlett deal, which apparently got rather ugly toward the end. I personally never thought Scarlett was a good match for him. He seems like a rather down-to-earth sort of fellow, while Scarlett appears more wrapped up in living the movie-star lifestyle. I hope this new girl is more of a regular gal than Scarlett (and I hope she doesn't have a thyroid problem, as the picture above would suggest).

Love Blooms For Orlando and The Dunst

The two blandest people on the face of the earth, Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst, are officially an item.

The actors, who co-starred in the underwhelming movie Elizabethtown last year, were spotted a week ago putting their hands and lips and various other things all over each other in the corner of the Chateau Marmont lobby bar. A witness says the couple "even stayed past closing time" - not an unusual activity for Dunst, though normally she has to be hauled out on a stretcher.

The new romance comes after much-publicized break-ups for each of the stars. Dunst was previously connected to hottie Jake Gyllenhaal, who seems more interested in riding bikes with Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong these days than hanging around with dizzy blonde starlets (a man of taste, if I do say so myself). And Bloom, as we know, was involved with emaciated Superman Returns actress Kate Bosworth, but split with her when he realized how revolting she looks.

We'll just have to see how long this new Hollywood super-romance lasts. Hopefully, Bloom will soon shed his dull heterosexual dream-boat persona and follow in the footsteps of Jake Gyllenhaal. One word, Orlando: spandex.

Sean Combs Says He Never Really Loved J. Lo. Just Her Butt.

Media mogul/tedious bastard Sean "Nickname of the Week" Combs says he never really loved his bootylicious ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lopez, because he was too busy carrying a torch for his current squeeze, model Kim Porter.

"When I was with Jennifer I got caught up," says Combs. "She was fine. The hype can pull you in. ... Y'all are looking good together, and it's feelin' good, and the relationship is genuine. There was love there, but it just wasn't this type of love."

I know what you're saying, P. I felt the same way when I switched from Oreos to Mallomars for awhile. I loved Mallomars, but it just wasn't the same. And now that I'm back to Oreos, I couldn't be happier.

Crabbie's Quickies: Paris and Nicole Friends Again, Posh Says Becks "a God in Japan", Johnny Depp to Marry, Candi Happy for Tori

Feuding fame-o-holics Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have apparently reconciled.

According to witnesses, the two "stars" were seen dining together at Dan Tana's restaurant in West Hollywood on Sunday night ("dining" being a relative term in Nicole's case). "They looked like best friends to me," one on-looker told People magazine. "It seemed as if they had never gotten into a fight."

Now I can sleep again, thank God.

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Soccer star David Beckham is "a God" in Japan - at least according to his wife Victoria Posh Spice Beckham.

"There is a temple there where the Japanese go to pray to a statue of David," Posh tells Harpar's Bazzar. "I know it sounds crazy but it's true."

Actually, it doesn't sound crazy at all. Anyone over 5-foot-3 is usually considered a deity in Japan.

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It saddens me deeply to report that the world's hottest man, Johnny Depp, appears on the verge of marrying his long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis.

"Johnny and Vanessa are planning to finally get married next summer at their villa," a source told the English newspaper The Daily Express.

I'm going to find the witch-doctor who sold me that Vanessa Paradis voodoo doll and get my god damn five dollars back.

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Candi Spelling, aka the World's Worst Mother, is reportedly "ecstatic" over news of her estranged daughter Tori's pregnancy.

"I never thought the day would come," Candi told Crabbie's Hollywood in an exclusive interview. "Finally, my little Tori managed to give a man an erection."

(Disclaimer: I made up the part about the exclusive interview.)

A Woman Has Married Tim Allen. I Guess I Lose the Bet.

"Funny-man" Tim Allen has wed his girlfriend of five years, actress Jane Hadjuk.

According to Allen's rep, the ceremony took place in Grand Lake, Colorado and was attended by family only.

Allen is probably best known for his TV sitcom Home Improvement, which also launched the career of pubescent heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas, or as Mark Foley liked to call him, "the Jesus of kiddie-cock."

Allen has also appeared in numerous films, including The Santa Claus, The Santa Claus 2, and the recent superhero comedy Zoom, which is so bad, even The Adventures of Pluto Nash laughs at it.

Crabbie's Quickies: Posh Not Hot, DeBurgh's Magic Powers, Monaghan and Lilly To Wed

Is Posh Spice hot? Not according to Posh.

"I've got so much saggy skin on my stomach and I've got no bum at all," says Posh. "I might fit into jeans but, trust me, I look really awful naked."

I'll take your word for it hon.

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Chris DeBurgh, who had a hit in the '80s with the song Lady in Red, claims to have acquired the power to heal people through the laying on of hands.

"I have found myself able to cure people with my hands," DeBurgh said on the BBC program Heaven and Earth. "I met someone in the West Indies who was not able to walk. I put my hands on him and he was able to get up... I try to play it down."

Hey Chris. I've got these genital warts. Maybe if you massaged them for a minute...

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Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly of the show Lost are planning on getting hitched.

Here's a picture of the two of them going at it on the beach:


Why ruin such a lovely thing with marriage? Ah well. To each his/her own...

Woman-Swapping?

At the after-party for Jay-Z's concert at the Royal Albert Hall in London...

Jay-Z playing the meat in a Beyonce/Gwyneth Paltrow sandwich (that's beef on white and rye):

Chris Martin aka Mr. Paltrow getting cozy with Jay-Z's squeeze Beyonce:

Swingers.

Johansson and Hartnett Get a Place. Woody Allen Stands Out Front in the Rain.

Big-boobed Scarlett Johansson and just-plain-boob Josh Hartnett, romantically linked for awhile now, have apparently decided to take the plunge - no, not that plunge; I mean the one into mutual home-ownership (which once upon a time meant they had already taken the other plunge, but these being the times they are, it only means the two of them are sick of restaurant bathrooms). The loft, located in New York's uber-hip TriBeCa (you know it's uber-hip because Robert De Niro lives there - yeah right!), set the pair back six-million smackers, and for that amount of money it's no surprise Scarlett put in a little request to the building's owners - that they add a little extra sound-proofing to the bedroom. Scarlett, you naughty girl, what exactly were you thinking of doing in that bedroom? On second thought, don't tell me. I'd rather not think of the pounding poor Josh is going to take from those cannonballs of yours. Honestly, if I live to be a thousand, I'll never see the appeal. I mean think about it boys - your mom has a pair of those. Liza Minnelli has them. Fricking Nancy Grace has them. So how great can they really be?

(source)