Paris Hilton has turned a corner in her life, and no longer wants to be the frivolous skank everyone reviles. This is at least is what Paris wants us to believe. And Barbara Walters is the person she's chosen to relay this to the world. On today's View, Barbara related Paris's plan for becoming a contributing member of society. It includes working for breast cancer and multiple sclerosis charities, and starting a Paris Hilton Playhouse for sick children. Paris, reports Barbara, has also begun consulting a spiritual advisor. I didn't think the ministers who got ordained after answering ads in the back of Hustler counted as "spiritual advisors," but perhaps they do after all.
It's hard not to be cynical when one hears of Paris Hilton's earnest desire to shed her vapid party-girl image and become a doer of good deeds. It's hard not to think to oneself that Paris, a borderline sociopath at least, is employing the old standard sociopathic ploy of telling everyone whatever she thinks will extricate her from the sticky situation she's in. The only discovery Paris has made, in my view, is that everyone hates her - and she made that one before jail. She made it, in fact, the night Sarah Silverman destroyed her at the MTV Movie Awards. The truth of how reviled she really is came to stare Paris in the face that night. And of course, being a true media creature, Paris is responding to this information the only way she can - by changing her PR strategy. No more poon-flashing or sex-tapes for awhile - now it's Paris the charity worker, the builder of playhouses for sick children. Of course, Paris reveals through her own words that she still doesn't get it. The place for sick children will be called The Paris Hilton Playhouse. Because what's the point of doing charity work if you can't get good pub out of it?
Paris does not understand how the real world works, because she's never had to live in it. This has become abundantly clear by how violent her reaction to being jailed has been. What Paris does understand, however, is how to create a thin, plastic, phony image. She's been doing it for years. Now her old image is getting her in trouble (she thinks), so she has to create a new one. One just as false as the other, but more positive, in a superficial, attention-grabbing sort of way. But will it work? No doubt, Paris's acolytes will hail her as a new woman, a more mature, caring soul. But those people are just as foolish and addled as Paris is. She could get life for murder and these idiots would insist she was being treated unfairly by the courts. People who hate her, on the other hand, are going to be skeptical of anything she does. She could abstain from sex for the rest of her life, dress like someone from Little House on the Prairie and start quoting scripture, and the anti-Paris crowd would say she was faking, that she was secretly still snorting blow and blowing football players. Therefore, it seems, Paris has nothing to lose by trying this new trick. And why shouldn't she feel confident in her ability to pull it off? She pulled off the trick of weaving a career as a celebrity out of nothing but some Page 6 clippings and a couple pictures of her vagina. The media, it seems, are as compliant as Paris's parents are. They give in to her too. She expects it now. So, make way for Paris the Caring. And prepare for the hot, acidy taste of vomit in your mouth.
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