11:45 - Best Picture is...
No Country for Old Men. Predictable. They should've given it to Juno just for the movie geek outrage.
11:44 - Minneapolis owns the Oscars. They should've had Prince there tonight.
11:43 - Coens win Best Director. Does this mean No Country For Old Men will win Best Picture? I don't know.
11:42 - One of these days Scorsese's gonna have his growth spurt.
11:37 - Day-Lewis's hair is a lot better this time than the last time, I have to say.
11:31 - Daniel Day-Lewis won best actor. His performance scared the shit out of me so it must've been good. Seriously, I sat on the shitter for an hour after I saw that.
11:26 - What? No glibness? No wit? Just a blubbering thank you to her dopey family? Fraud!!!
11:24 - Brook won. Now she can raise her fee. Nice dress sweetie. The drooling drunks back in Minny all recognize it I'm sure.
11:23 - Uh-oh.
11:17 - Please don't give best documentary to Michael Moore...I can't take another of his speeches.
And the winner is...not Michael Moore!
11:15 - Short documentary winner...what was the name of it? The chicks who made it seem like they should be doing someone's hair somewhere.
11:13 - Couldn't they have picked some attractive troops to do this presentation?
11:10 - Best score...Atonement. I honestly didn't notice the music in that.
11:08 - Holy shit am I still awake?
11:01 - Dead people! Get the popcorn.
10:59 - Nice of Stewart to let the girl from Once come back out. They need to stop the jerky thing of cutting people off with the orchestra. Just cut out 10 clips packages if you want a shorter show. Jesus.
10:50 - Falling Slowly wins. I'm glad. It's a nice song, and those things from Enchanted are hideous. For once the Academy does something cool.
10:45 - More Enchanted? Grrrrrrrrrr...
10:44 - A Nazi movie wins Best Foreign film? Shock.
10:42 - Best Foreign Language Film is - who cares.
10:35 - Hal Holbrook's glad he's not the oldest duffer.
10:31 - Stewart again proves his hipness by referencing IMDb. Nicole Kidman looks dead.
10:29 - The Bourne Ultimatum wins best editing. What a crock. That movie is mind-numbing.
10:28 - That clips package was a tour through mostly wasted hours. I forgot A Beautiful Mind won. My God - A Beautiful Mind?
10:23 - Um...no more clips, please.
10:19 - I like this song from Once. It's a good movie. See it if you haven't.
10:18 - A Wii joke?
10:10 - Marion! Marion! Marion!
Yessssss!
10:09 - God, I hope no one gets stamped to death by one of those big things coming down from the ceiling.
10:06 - The Bourne Ultimatum wins something else. Or maybe it was the same thing and I'm actually re-living that moment over and over. God, shoot me.
10:05 - Oh good - more pot-head Halle Berry humor.
10:04 - Some award was just given to The Bourne Ultimatum. Sound editing I think. That movie made me dizzy and depressed.
10:03 - How's the pot there at the Oscars?
10:01 - Angelina finally mentioned. She would've been pissed if they forgot her.
9:57 - Crabbie live-blog poll: Who is the next Lindsay Lohan - Saoirse Ronan or Miley Cyrus?
9:55 - These songs from Enchanted are so bad, I'm shocked Randy Newman had nothing to do with them.
9:53 - Miley Cyrus's voice is like sharp things jabbed into my ears. Make it stawwwwwwwwwwwp.
9:48 - Coens win for No Country for Old Men adapted screenplay. It will win Best Picture for sure now. Maybe. Cormac McCarthy showed up. Wow.
9:46 - Brolin and McAvoy. Talk about doubling your pleasure...
9:44 - Alba can read. Dang, I lost the bet.
9:35 - If Ruby Dee wins I'm leaving.
Tilda Swinton. I can live with that.
9:34 - Is there gonna be a clips package before every damn actor award?
9:33 - Best animated short. I just saw the graphic two seconds ago and have already forgotten what it said.
9:31 - You people are in America. Speak American! God damn foreigners.
9:30 - Best short film. Some French crap. Next!
9:29 - Owen Wilson is on something. Suicide watch.
9:24 - I've never heard of August Rush.
9:23 - Top Secret! made it into an Oscar montage. Okay, it was a joke montage, but still.
9:20 - Javier may be a great actor, but he's not so hot at acting surprised when he wins Oscars.
9:17 - Javier Bardem wins Best Supporting Actor. Great job Javier. Call me later, stud-muffin.
9:15 - God, Jennifer Hudson won last year. I'd totally forgotten.
9:10 - Best Art Direction...Sweeney Todd. I did like that movie. It was very brooding. And sooty.
9:09 - Golden Compass wins Best Visual Effects. This banana bread is fabulous.
9:07 - The Rock. Finally some sex appeal.
8:59 - Aw, I wanted Stewart to sing the song. It would've been better than this crap.
8:57 - Best make-up - La Vie En Rose. Norbit robbed!
8:55 - The rat movie won animated feature. ... Here comes Katherine Heigl. ... She wants us to feel sorry for her cause she's nervous.
8:53 - I nodded off during the Carell/Hathaway bit. Did you know she's a lesbo?
8:50 - I love that clip of Damon and Affleck pretending they wrote Good Will Hunting. William Goldman loves it too.
8:47 - Clooney can't read off a prompter. ... I smell clips package.
8:44 - Somebody fixed Streisand up good.
8:43 - Diablo Cody's mom won Best Costume Design!
8:42 - I wanted the microphone to punch Garner in the face.
8:41 - The Gadolph Titler joke was funny.
8:38 - Brook pretended Jon's joke about her being a stripper was funny.
8:37 - Stewart seems less nervous than last year. ... Nice Norbit slam.
8:36 - No Country for Old Men hair jokes. Ha.
8:33 - First writers' strike joke...
Now.
8:32 - Jon Stewart? Fuck me! I thought Whoopi was hosting this year.
8:31 - I wish a Cloverfield had attacked during the intro.
8:28 - Um, Regis - it's Javier Bardem, not Xavier.
8:27 - There's a secret service guy lurking near Regis. Only 3 minutes to go!
8:22 - Ellen Page said Juno is sincere. Riiiiiiiight.
8:22 - Price, Waterhouse & Cooper guys with the briefcases! Yes! My favorite part of the Oscars! They are sooooo hot!
8:17 - Why is Regis talking to the "Where's the Beef?" lady?
8:14 - Helen Mirren said "whore-house."
8:12 - Faye Dunaway looks halfway human for once. Gaaaah - Garner. ... Garner thanks Rachel Zoe. Rachel doesn't know because she's passed-out face-down on her bathroom floor.
8:09 - Steve Guttenberg?
8:08 - Oh goodie - more Miley.
8:05 - Travolta's hair looks like a bathroom rug.
8:02 - Clooney brought his stripper girlfriend with. I wonder if she knows Diablo...
7:58 - Katherine Heigl has had a few.
7:54 - Bah bah black sheep?
7:53 - Viggo Mortensen's girlfriend is a little young for him. I wish he'd lose the beard.
7:52 - Hilary Swank is into Israeli martial arts. Perhaps she would demonstrate some of her moves on Seacrest now. Pop his head off and bounce it like a basketball.
7:51 - Casey Affleck's wife doesn't think much of Seacrest.
7:49 - Colin Farrell is fucking his mom! ... Colin wants to make hats. Perhaps he could make a new one for Spike Lee.
7:41 - Tilda Swinton is nominated for best supporting actor. No, actress. Actor?
7:39 - Marion Cotillard seems drunk. I hope she wins. She is so fantastic.
7:37 - Someone please shoot Kimora Lee Simmons. I'd rather listen to Debbie Matenopolous than this bitch.
7:36 - Cameron Diaz couldn't remember whose jewelry she was wearing. She seems coked up.
7:34 - Jessica Alba had to think for several minutes before answering Seacrest's question about how far along she is. Ryan then asked her about breast feeding. He just wanted to say "breast" to Alba, the perv.
7:28 - Marion Cotillard's dress makes me want to beat her until she stops flopping.
7:26 - Kimora Lee Simmons looks like a Singaporese madam. "Yo sailor, you likee good time-girl?" ... Even Giuliana hates Kimora. What's Giuliana's last name now?
7:25 - Ryan Seacrest just said "bush." Ha.
7:22 - Miley Cyrus is talking to Ryan Seacrest. She looks terrified. She is a yappy twit. ... Miley wants to kill her mom. So do I.
The Oscars are tonight. I'm going to live-blog because I'm bored.
