See You, Bitch

Sunday was Sarah Palin's last day on the job as Alaska governor. Well, okay - in all honesty, her last actual day of work was a couple of weeks ago; but Sunday was the day she officially stepped down, inspiring impromptu renditions of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" all over Alaska.

Now of course everyone's asking, "What's next for Sarah?" To which I reply, "Gee, I don't know, running for president?" Clearly, that's what the woman intends doing. Anyone who thinks differently is dangerously naive. And yes, I know she's facing ethics charges and blah blah, but do you think that matters to the assholes who would comprise her voter base?

You think the kind of brainless yahoos who support the likes of Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney would allow Palin's complete lack of ethics or, frankly, brains to come between them and their queen? They won't even remember that shit come 2012. And yeah, I'm putting her up against Obama in '12. She wants to be Reagan with tits, and Obama, the way he's going, could easily be her Carter.

K-Stew Sammich

Geekery has descended upon San Diego for the annual dorkgy known as Comic Con. K-Stew and the other stars of New Moon are there because...well, that's where the fanboys and fangirls are. You gotta move product. Of course we know that K-Stew - love the red shoes - is totally above the whole thing, and would much rather be off somewhere smoking a bowl and listening to Bat for Lashes. But she's stuck having to pretend she wants to be within ten yards of Robert Pattinson and that Lautner character (every time I see him I think, "He's the Jonas brother who went wrong and ended up doing some time in juvie").

I see K still tying little knots in her shirts. I sent her ten emails telling her to stop that, but, girl don't listen for shit.

Indeed, A Little Brainwash Would Be Appreciated Right Now

Madonna, in a typically desperate bid for credibility among artsy types (remember her asshole Sex coffee table book and her equally asshole remake of German New Wave director Lina Wertmuller's Swept Away), has had some L.A. street artist called Mr. Brainwash design her new album cover. And that's it. A picture of Madonna looking like she's about to hurl that some jag-off stained with piss. Uh, yeah. Fucking profound shit right there.

Let's Get It Right This Year, Emmys

For the second straight year, John Slattery has been nominated for an Emmy for playing Roger Sterling the hard-drinking, twin-fucking, oyster-puking senior partner on Mad Men. And this year he is going to win. Or the Emmys will be dead to me.

Also: Would it be possible for the Emmys take a break from giving Kathy Griffin's show the award for Best Reality Program, and throw a little love in Mike Rowe's lap for Dirty Jobs? Truly, if anyone deserves an award, it's Mike Rowe. Dude jacks off turkeys, sticks his arm down cows' assholes and wades waist-deep in shit, all to amuse us. What does Kathy Griffin do? I still haven't figured it out, to be honest.

Breast Reduction

Scarlett fanboys have been up-in-arms lately, screaming that their girl is no longer giving them as much boobalicious pleasure as she used to. It appears Scarlett has grown tired of her buxom sex-bomb persona and is trying to de-emphasize the hooters, thinking this will make people take her seriously. This dress here definitely seems calculated to take the onus off the tittays. Plus, it appears Scarlett has had her head inflated somehow, to trick our eyes into thinking her milkbags aren't as bodacious as before. Well, whatever. It's her life.

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Check Out The Scalp On That One

I've seen a few of the fine young negresses sporting this look lately. It's cool. It says to me, "Those Indians almost scalped me, but the Lone Ranger rescued me at the last second." Rihanna seems to be doing fine post-Chris Brown anyway. I mean I haven't seen any pictures of her out with any other known woman-beaters. Maybe she has been and I've just missed it.

Why Do People Still Take Her Picture?

Not sure why anyone would bother running pictures of Christina Ricci. What was the last thing she did? That thing where she had a pig snout? That thing with her and Samuel L. Jackson where she was chained up in his house? The last thing I remember her being any good in was that picture with Charlize as Aileen Wuornos, and she was second-fiddle all the way in that. By the way, did I mention that I have a huge full-back tattoo of Aileen Wuornos? No, not really. It's actually Albert Fish.

Oh, Ryan. You Are A Pip.

A wacky new story claims that, while Farrah Fawcett's dad was paying a visit to his dying daughter, he opened the door next to hers by mistake and found Ryan O'Neal in bed with Farrah's friend Alana Stewart. And they weren't eating cookies and crank calling their teachers.

Denials have already been issued by Ryan himself, but the story is confirmed by his son Griffin, who frankly isn't the most credible individual given that he probably still hates Ryan for shooting at him and his pregnant girlfriend.

Of course it isn't right to jump to conclusions. Maybe Farrah gave her blessing to Ryan and Alana to have wild sex in the room next to the one she was quietly expiring in. Maybe it was her way of saying thanks for their devotion. Maybe they were taping it so they could all make popcorn and watch it together later. You just never know.

(Thanks Maggie)

Patrick Swayze Did Not Have A Heart Attack

Patrick Swayze's rep has had to shoot down more "Patrick Swayze is Dead or About to be" rumors by debunking a tabloid report claiming the actor had suffered a heart attack.

"He's well," the rep told Access Hollywood. "He's continuing his treatment and doing very well, actually. Contrary to reports, he did not suffer a heart attack and has even gained a little weight."

Okay, let's clear one thing up: Patrick Swayze is not "well." He might be better than he has been, but he is probably never going to be "well" ever again, unless someone comes up with a miracle cure for pancreatic cancer. Sorry to sound harsh but I can't stand that phony talk.

Perry Kills Her Cred

Dear Katy Perry: See honey, here's how it works - you don't get to be edgy, then go on the Today Show and clown with Matt Lauer. Doesn't matter how many chicks you kiss, how many knives you play with, how many tattooed douchebags you lay down with - two seconds in the presence of Lauer and all that is gone. Pick a persona and run with it, 'kay fuckflakes?

Still Hot

It's impossible for Gerard Butler to not be hot. Even when he's picking his nose. Even when he's following Aniston around like a dog. Even when he's rubbing himself against Hayden Pantyliner.

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The Mad-Dog's New Style

Maddox is sporting a new style lately. Basically, he no longer looks like a kid, but a little miniature dude, complete with mustache. How is a 7-year-old growing a mustache? I know Asians are sometimes freaky that way but, dang man, he must've been exposed to radiation or some Sasquatch genes.

Jon's New Ride

Jon Gosselin got off his new ride, Hailey Glassman, and onto his chopper. The helmet shows that Jon is into safety. Let's hope he used protection while astride Hailey too. 8 really is enough.

Who's Going To Ghostwrite It? Trig Palin?

Carrie Prejean has signed a deal with some fly-by-night publishing house to do a book about her experiences as Miss California. The tome is to be called "Still Standing," and for literary merit, it will stand second only to Lauren Conrad's masterpiece "L.A. Candy."

I hate to break it to Carrie, but no one really cares about her side of the story. She is way past her expiration date. Even that idiot Perez Hilton has given up making fun of her, and that bastard never lets anything go. My advice to Carrie would be for her to forget this misbegotten venture and get on with her new career as a Republican Congressman's whore.

Sorry Johnny

I know the thrown-together ragamuffiny thing is Johnny's style and all but...I'm sorry, I have a problem with the vest and the jeans. Either lose the vest or put a pair of big-boy pants on. He also needs to wash his hair.

LaBoof Learns His Lesson

LaBoof has discovered a new means of getting around in the wake of the traffic accident that nearly cost him a finger - a dorky bike. Cool. But, um, should he be listening to music while pedaling around? And shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I shouldn't I be sitting in his lap?

More Fun With Michael Jackson's Messed Up Body

Michael Jackson revelations coming like a tsunami. ABC has gotten its grubby hands on photos of Jackson's legs, which show track marks, dead tissue and splotchiness associated with vitiligo. Will the grossness never end?

Tom Digs Robots

I guess David Beckham is back playing soccer in America. Anyway Tom and Katie showed up at some stadium and of course there was Posh and those little clones of hers. I wonder what Tom and Posh talked about? Battery life? Joint lubrication? How to give your plastic coating a nice natural skin-like color?

Soldiering On

Kate Gosselin dressed herself and the girls up in matching adorable pink outfits and went to the pediatrician. Who says no one takes trouble about their appearance anymore? Kate's pretty put together for a modern woman. Most bitches these days, they throw on a soiled tank-top and a pair of jeans they've had for ten years - and that's to go to the opera. People gotta stop doggin' Kate. Too much jealouzy.

Typical Idiocy

Heather Mills doesn't worry about people who criticize and attack her, because Heather Mills knows the cosmos is on her side, and will eventually punish all these evil bastards who are trying to bring her down.

"The truth always outs in the end," Mills said in a recent interview. "No one gets away with those things.

"Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they've got cancer, or they've had a tumor, or they've died. And it's terrible for them, but they've done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round."

My first instinct was to blast Heather for these remarks, but I'm not going to, because you know what? She doesn't sound any different than any other nitwit who believes in karma or cosmic retribution or whatever you want to call it.

You encounter shit like this all the time, people who think that some personal wrong done to them is going to be punished by the forces of the universe. Because, as we all know, these forces have nothing better to do than watch to make sure no one ever says anything bad about us personally.

Evidently, these fools don't recognize the fundamental egomania and arrogance underlying their beliefs. They see nothing the least bit self-important about calling upon the stars or the spirits or whatever to fuck to line up on their behalf, and punish someone who has transgressed against them.

Yes Heather is stupid, but she's stupid in such a common way that it's not even worth getting upset about.