Portman Out-Albas Alba

Jessica Alba has lightened up slightly since giving birth, making Natalie Portman officially the most miserable cow this side of Keira Knightley. Maybe Natalie needs to get knocked up too. Or maybe she's just really upset about the shit going down in her people's country right now. Or maybe she's mad that her dog just took a giant dump in the pocket of her sweater. Don't worry Nat - one day you'll be old and washed-up and no one will care to take your picture anymore. You can have your privacy then, 'kay cunty?

The Glare Of Death

Maggie Gyllenhaal is bothered by photographers while trying to walk through New York and gives them the glare of death which is even more powerful than Keira Knightley's glare of death. I didn't realize how ugly Maggie was until I watched The Dark Knight in high-def. Motherfuck that is one deformed-looking ho. I'm surprised her father didn't leave her on a doorstep for negros to raise like Benjamin Button's.

I Hope It's Not Actually Possible To Die Laughing

Dane Cook should've heeded the example of every loser ever featured on Behind the Music and not allowed his brother Darryl McCauley to manage his financial affairs, cause Darryl done robbed Dane to the tune of several million dollars over many years before finally being arrested just yesterday. Yes, I know how sad it is that Dane Cook actually had millions of dollars for someone to steal. But that sadness is entirely balanced off, and actually exceeded in magnitude, by the joy I am now experiencing at the thought of Dane Cook being bilked by his own kin. Hahahahaha!!!! Fuck you, you unfunny son of a bitch! I hope you end up working at the deli counter somewhere doing your routines for old deaf ladies who just want you to shut up and give them a half a pound of honey glazed ham! Fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!

Rainy Day Owen

"Wow man, I'm like, surrounded by billions of tiny glowing particles. I feel so at peace with myself right now. Like nothing in the universe can bother me. I think I've discovered bliss dudes. Oh wait...no, I just took a bunch of pills to kill myself and this is the crazy drug-induced dream I'm having. Well fuck man. That just totally blows..."

Looks Like True Love To Me

K-Fat has landed himself a ho to spend all of Britney's money on and I for one couldn't be happier for the lad. I just hope the two of them have discovered birth control. Federline has spread his seed enough and if ho wants her plumbing to still work down the road when she's old and needy...well, just ask Aniston what happens when you have too many abortions.

Used Up Ho

How can Vanessa Hudgens already look this used-up? She was in a training-bra, like, six months ago. Now she's ready for the Old Ho's Home. Disney just chews you up and spits you out.

What Is Jay-Z Thinking About?

A. A new clever nickname to give himself.
B. His past life as Dumb Donald from Fat Albert.
C. That one night of bliss in Cincinnati with Diddy.
D. What Beyonce would look like slipping slowly beneath the waves.

No Crash, But A DUI

Matt Dillon was arrested for DUI after police pulled him over in Vermont for driving 106 mph on the interstate. Vermont? Either he's a maple syrup magnate or he was up there looking for Johnny cakes. Don't drink and drive kiddies. And don't co-star in Lindsay Lohan movies or you will wind up cursed.

Clash Of The Secret Queens

Mickey Rourke has been busted by a Hollywood big-wig who shared with the world a text message sent by Rourke in which the freak-faced actor trashed fellow thespian Sean Penn. The unpleasantness began because Rourke is apparently jealous over all the attention Penn has been getting for his marvelous performance as Harvey Milk in Gus Van Sant's terrific biopic Milk. Rourke thinks Penn's work is overrated - a sentiment that became public when Rourke was overheard expressing it backstage at David Letterman's program. Rourke then tried to explain himself in a private text to the aforementioned big-wig. The text read:

Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno [sic]

Let's get a few things out of the way: 1) Both these guys are obviously closet-cases; 2) Rourke is as terrific in The Wrestler as Penn is in Milk and I don't really understand why it's necessary for us to treat this as a competition except for all the Oscar shit...further proof that the Oscars are a blight on humanity; 3) If these guys fought Rourke would hit Penn once in the stomach and Penn would fold up and vomit and that would be the end of it. Penn is only tough when he's drunk and flailing at photographers. Rourke is the genuine article - he will kick your ass without even blinking (mostly because he is no longer able to move his eyelids); 4) If any actor deserves to be trashed this Oscar season it's Brad Pitt for sitting there like a useless lump all through Benjamin Buttmunch. Thank goodness for CGI and make-up otherwise there would've been no performance there at all. Chalk this one up to secret queens will be secret queens.

Another Dumb-Ass Name

Bristol Palin popped her kid Saturday and named it Tripp Easton Mitchell. The baby has Levi Johnston's last name even though I'm guessing paternity is still up in the air. Those Palin bitches will spread their legs for anyone with a dick, a hockey stick and a handful of Oxycontin. And who the fuck names their kid Tripp? Trig and Tripp? Fuck you.

Just When You Thought Mischa Barton Couldn't Get Anymore Tedious...

No one gives a shit about Mischa Barton but that isn't stopping the bitch from blogging about herself. The sneaker pitchwoman and frequent suicide hotline caller revealed in one of her recent posts that she's been in India and has been learning to play the sitar. Bitch said:

So guys India has been amazing. A little frenetic, as they do things a little different here! So it's been tough with the long shoot days to check in much! But the people are amazing, so eager to please and I've learned so much from them.

I've been having an amazing spiritual exploration visiting Hindu temples and learning about Buddhism, both beautiful religions. Hyderabad where we're filming is a real inspiration in the fact that Christians, Muslims and Hindus all get along so harmoniously. I must admit I used to make fun of people who were all into yoga and chai tea thinking it was another ridiculous health fad. But now I'm that person! First of all Masala Chai tea, the traditional way with milk and sugar is delicious, and this is coming from a brit who only likes my breakfast tea!

I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar and it's coming along real slow as apparently it's not that easy to procure a great sitar teacher here, I guess it not late 60's with Ravi Shankar and George Harrison roaming around unfortunately!!!!

Goa was my christmas break, and it was stunning, I actually went to South Goa (which isn't the party side of town) thats the North bit, but I'll post tons of footage for you guys out there. If only technology didn't hate me and I was decent with electronics! But I went parasailing, jet skiing and swimming in the ocean for ages every day. The colors, fabrics, food will blow your mind....so stay tuned to see me on my vacation and what I got up to.

I've always been grateful I wasn't young in the sixties, because I never had to pretend to give a shit about sitar music, the most mind-numbingly boring form of music this side of the noises you hear when you have tinnitus. You have to be completely bombed out of your mind on drugs to even endure sitar music. Shit just goes on and on forever and it's the same god damn thing over and over...kind of like Mischa Barton's life, actually. Hmm...now I know why she's so keen on it.

Like She'll Listen

It should read, "Brad pleads with Angie, 'No more babies!'" I don't care what Bradley says in public - that guy doesn't want anymore, either by sticking his dick in Angie or going shopping. It doesn't matter either way because Angie ain't gonna listen. She thinks her body can handle anything, including pumping out babies like they were Pez and she a little plastic thing with a Popeye head. Well, maybe it can handle anything. Look at all the drugs she did. And the cutting. And sex with Billy Bob Thornton. Bitch might actually be invincible.

More Of This Shit

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fan Boys' Penises Every Time Megan Fox Sticks Her Tits Out tops my list of movies not to see in 2009. Won't matter of course - shit will still make a gazillion dollars and there will be a flood of publicity appearances by that tattooed slut and Shia LaBeouf who will hand out random bits of himself that fell off after his accident. Here's a suggestion...how about we go one year without any idiotic expensive Hollywood blockbusters being released? I'm still not over all the bullshit from this summer and it's only a few months until more starts coming. And don't even get me started on the Oscar hype. No, Benjamin Button is not that good. Speaking of that movie...was I the only one who was disappointed that they didn't stick a shrunken Brad Pitt head onto the baby at the end? What kind of fucking cheat was that, using a real baby. CGI that shit, man. And the stuff where they smoothed out all Cate Blanchett's wrinkles...it didn't make her look young, it made her look freaky - like Nicole Kidman without the plumper.

Avoiding the Stress

Barry the Magic Negro has been in Hawaii unwinding since that whole becoming President thing came down on his head. That's fine with me...let him have a few more weeks of semi-normalcy before he has to lock himself up in the White House and try to untangle the hideous knots that last bastard tied this country up in for eight years. I have my doubts that Barry is up to the task but whatever. We're all going to die of some terrible thing soon anyway so fuck it.

New Look

I didn't realize this was Kim Kardashian right away. I thought it was some other Mediterranean-looking rich slut with nothing better to do than parade around all day shopping and sticking her ass in the air for the cameras. I hope she's keeping one eye out for Courtney Love who she accused of being a liar last week after Courtney accused her brother of beating up Brody Jenner's gay friend for no good reason. Courtney would beat this bitch down then scalp her. Fuck, I'd pay money to see that.

Pudging Up

Daniel Craig no longer has rock-hard abs. He saw Hugh Jackman's and decided he would just concede. That last James Bond movie was so bad I almost asked for my money back. It was still better than any of the Bourne movies.

The Bit That Never Ends

There will apparently never be any end to the pictures of Katie Holmes toting Suri around New York. Is Katie still in that play or is this what she does all day? I like Suri's shoes...if she taps them together three times and says "There's no place like home" will she end up back in Katie's womb or in the Andromeda Galaxy somewhere?

Mr. Normal

What the hell's the matter with Kanye West? I expect eccentricity and weirdness from this guy, not normal. Put on some wacky sunglasses or something Kanye. Smack a photographer. Go off on a rant against George Bush. Shave your head and paint it hot pink and change your name to Sultan Kanye Macadamia III of Gondwanaland. Amuse me, bitch.

Courtney To PETA: Eat Me

Courtney Love doesn't want PETA telling her what she can and can't wear. In her latest blog rant Courtney said:

Yep, I'm a fur whore. If it's 100 years old I'm fucking into it. Sorry PETA. I've been very, very good for a very, very long time, and this ermine is ancient and tattered and feels like it belonged to a Queen. I know, I know. Maybe I'll just stare at it, but fuck off if I wear it, I KNOW what I'm doing.

She knows what she's doing except when she's totally bombed out of her mind on drugs which is all the time. Well, she was lucid enough to tell PETA to go fuck themselves, wasn't she? Good for Courtney. Now where did I put my polar bear skin slippers?

Oh Crap, No

Is there some store where old half-senile Jews can just buy Oriental kids? Okay, I give - it's his daughter. That probably wouldn't stop him but, whatever...I should cease before it creeps into defamation. Oh screw that...he's got that kid on his lap even as we speak. Viagra's a curse I'm telling you. "All papas do this with their daughters in America sweetheart. It's in the Constitution right after the part about the Vice President breaking ties in the Senate." Vicky Cristina Barcelona was okay though. Javier Bardem. Yum.

Nice Crotch, Crackhead

Wino practices her death-pose. I'm guessing her real death will involve lots more puke, blood and other unidentifiable bodily fluids than this. By the way I'm sick of everyone saying she looks healthier just cause she's put on a few pounds. This woman will never look healthy by any standard. Maybe compared to Courtney Love but that's it.

How About Painting It Red With His Blood?

Puff Daddy offered the city of New York $1 million if he could paint the famous New Year's Eve ball purple in honor of Ciroc vodka which is derived from grapes instead of the usual stuff vodka is made from. Puffy apparently endorses this shit and thinks it's very important for everyone to know this including all the New Year's revelers who are drinking everything except his shitty vodka. Only problem - the city turned him down. They probably didn't tell him to go fuck himself but I would've. Maybe Puffy should try painting something else purple - like Dick Clark. Is he still living?

Lindsay and Sam Are Still Together

Sam Ronson survived trying to kill herself after her fight with Lindsay the other night and now the two of them are out on their lesbian shopping sprees buying lesbian things like glow-in-the-dark strap-ons and Carmex and snow-globes depicting Virginia Woolf walking into the river. They look so happy in that fake way that people do when they're not happy but for some reason think they have to put on an act for the cameras. I don't personally have that problem because I'm not a famous twat. I have nine of those Virginia Woolf suicide snow-globes by the way. God damn eBay addiction.

Sucky-Panted Bitches

I'm so out-of-touch with the youth culture. Apparently now dressing like an '80s whore and going roller skating are in. Headbands? Mad stranglers love those - you can just take them off the head and use them for, you know, mad strangling. Nice extensions Miley. Who's your friend? I'm not asking for me...Stephen Baldwin wants to know. He wants to get a tattoo of her. Then he wants to smell her pussy. Then yours. Then back to hers. You do realize it looks like you're wearing rubbers on your legs.

Adorable

I'm hoping they ended up in the semi-matching jackets and head-cozies by accident, cause if it was on purpose? Gag me. With a spork. By the way Jake...thanks for all the wet-dreams.

Give Us Some Myocardial Infarction Music, Paul

Somebody buy Letterman a treadmill or a stationary bike or something. Seriously...this is just embarrassing. Dude is a television icon - he can't be seen jogging around like some health-conscious Alzheimer's patient. Is that his tongue or is he puking up a cow's dick?

Kidnapper!

Dude...put out an Amber Alert or whatever for Matilda Ledger. Marky Mark kidnapped her! What the fuck, man? Hasn't that kid been traumatized enough, what with the haircut and Mary-Kate Olsen killing her daddy and everything? So not cool. P.S. Marky - when did you get so damn old?

Tiny Bear Child

What's with the little ears on the hat? Is it supposed to be cute? Seems to me that sort of thing would just end up confusing the child. If that kid grows up to shit in the woods a lot, we'll know Alba fucked it up.

John Mayer wants one of those hats really bad. He wouldn't mind wearing Alba either, probably.

Lemme Show You What to Do With That Stick...

Hugh Jackman and his kid went to some kind of sporting event and ended up with big inflatable sticks. Now what do you do with those I wonder? The kid looks like he might have some idea, possibly not the right one.

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