Cruise Sorry For Making Shields Feel Bad

Tom Cruise is sorely in need of a little image rehab, especially now that Viacom's Sumner Redstone has essentially branded him box-office poison. Hey, I've got an idea Tom - why don't you apologize for something? According to your producer pal Kathleen Kennedy, you "deeply regret" pounding on poor old Brooke Shields for being hooked on prescription medication, so why not start there? I, Tom Cruise, am deeply, deeply sorry for calling Brooke Shields an idiot dope-head. And I Tom Cruise further apologize to anyone else I may have offended when I attacked the widespread use of anti-Depressants (even if people who use them are pathetic fools who can't get their lives together). I, Tom Cruise, am an idiot whose brain has been taken over by the nonsensical ramblings of a second-rate science-fiction writer with messianic delusions.

Saying you're sorry for dumb shit - it's Hollywood hottest new fad (besides calling Lindsay Lohan an irresponsible little nitwit).

Owen Wilson's a Dog (Not My Word)

Everyone knows Owen Wilson's been canoodling with Kate Hudson (and may have broken up her marriage with that homeless-looking Black Crowe dude), but the Wedding Crashers star has had other recent affairs that have been a tad more private. Oh wait - it's not private anymore because it's in Page 6. The p.r. babe he was hosing (no name given; probably a good thing for her). According to a source, Wilson and the nameless woman were starting to get "serious" (what's serious for Owen Wilson, exchanging names?) when the whole Kate Hudson thing came up, then Wilson dumped the other broad like a bad habit. Quoting the source: "When [nameless jiltee] e-mailed Owen about it, he texted her and said, 'We have to talk when I get back to L.A.' She's pretty upset, but everyone knows he's a dog." Yes, a dog with a nose like Joe Camel.

(source; last item)

Great Moments in Gayness

Jagger & Bowie. Shake it boys.

Boy George Claims Abuse

Singer Boy George, fresh off his well-publicized five-day community service stint, is making outrageous claims about his treatment while in lock-up. "...when I was arrested the police were really hideous to me," says the pop-sensation-turned-publicity-seeking-dopehead. "I just couldn't understand why they would be so bad - they wouldn't even give you water so I had to drink my own urine in the cells. Seriously. ... I thought, 'What have I done to deserve this? What happened to beyond reasonable doubt?''"

A very good question, Boy. What did happen to "beyond reasonable doubt?" Maybe it's gone to the same place as your sense of reality. And your taste in fashion. And your dignity. Seriously, you had to drink your own urine? What did it taste like exactly? I'm guessing it probably didn't taste like shame, since you don't have an ounce of it in your soft, mushy, pie-fed body. And as to another statement of yours: "All my life I've thought, 'I never want to get in trouble with the law in America.'" I find that statement amusing, considering the fact that you called the cops to your own apartment, and there just happened to be a bunch of cocaine sitting on the desk which they just happened to find. And you just happened to get arrested and chucked in jail, where they just happened to force you to drink your own urine. And then you happened to get sentenced to community service which put you on a sidewalk with a lot of cameras and reporters around. Hmm. Seems like a lot of accidental publicity has been coming your way lately Boy. And I'd guess a bit more of it is going to come now that you've revealed the way the New York cops so horribly mistreated you. Maybe, now that you've got everyone's attention (and we do love having people's attention, don't we Boy?), you can just go for broke, and reveal that your whole life you've been nothing but a pathetic no-talent drug-addict pathological liar. Ought to get at least a Larry King interview out of that.

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Lindsay's Loco Father Chimes In

Lindsay Lohan's father may be rotting in prison, but that isn't stopping the low-rent slug from getting his two-cents worth in on his daughter's well-publicized travails - in cartoon form. Quoting the New York Daily News's Lowdown (normally written by Lloyd Grove), which received the curious dispatch from the jailbird Michael Lohan:

Lindsay Lohan's dad - serving time at the Collins Correctional Facility outside Buffalo - has just sent Lowdown an epic drawing depicting his troubled relationship with his famous daughter and the villains who are allegedly driving them apart.

In the 46-year-old Lohan's cartoon, these include money-grubbing lawyers with devil's horns, a prison guard, a paparazzo and an Ugg-booted woman who might be Lindsay's mom, Dina, or her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik. They're all tearing the daughter away from her dear old dad.

"Shame on you," declares the Lord Almighty, who's shown glowering and pointing from heaven. "Don't you know that some things are sacred!?!"

Also depicted - in see-no-evil, hear-no-evil, speak-no-evil poses - are Lindsay's younger siblings, Michael, Alina and Cody. On the back of the cartoon, the artist has scribbled: "The Spiritual Realities and Physical Elements of the truth behind this whole situation."

Lohan included a handwritten letter with the cartoon, in which he offers more nutty opinions about his daughter's tumultuous life.

• On Lindsay herself: "Lindsay is a talented, loving, blessed and free-spirited person. I believe nothing I read about her unless I hear it from Lindsay herself. And she's always been honest with me."
• On movie exec James Robinson, who famously scolded Lindsay for disrupting the shooting of the movie Georgia Rule: "If Mr. Robinson wrote a letter to her, that is his right. He is a respectable man and I'm sure he felt it as his obligation. Â… But I do know how things get twisted and I'm sure there is an honest explanation."
• On Brandon Davis, the dirtbag whose mockery was the genesis of Lindsay's "firecrotch" nickname: "All I can say is that I am happy that God gave me a new way of looking at, and pitying, people like Brandon. I pray for his soul!"

Mr. Lohan appears to have found God in prison. Gee, how original.

(source)

It's Official - Becks and Posh Are World-Class Assholes

A man who paid 100,000 pounds for the privilege of hanging with soccer-star David Beckham and his varmint of a wife Posh Spice is suing the cloddish couple for snubbing him. The expensive hob-nobbing session, purchased by nightclub owner Dave West at a celebrity auction benefiting the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, was to take place at the Beckhams' swanky World Cup party in May, but according to West the Beckhams' staff treated him so rudely that he decided not to attend, and he is now seeking compensation in the form of another 100,000 pound donation by the Beckhams to the NSPCC. The predictable response from the Beckhams' reps: their lawyers are dealing with it.

I had my own run-in with the Beckhams once. It happened when I was over in England for some kind of Bob Geldof thing, you know, save Africa or one of those other crappy continents (my friend Virgil talked me into it; he said Barbra would be there but of course Barbra wasn't there...well, that's a story for another day). Anyway, I'm hanging out in the lobby of this big smelly hotel when all of a sudden there's this huge whoosh of air, and this really pungent crotchy sort of odor, and everybody looks up and says, "Oh my God. It's Posh and Becks." And here comes this scrawny bitch in a cheap dress with her unnaturally huge titties just hanging out all over the place, and this other outrageously handsome guy with these chiseled features and a body from fricking Olympus, and I'm thinking to myself, "God. What a waste," and all of a sudden I make eye-contact with Becks, and I'm telling you, that man wanted to have me right then and there. And I think Posh could sense it too, cause she gave me this look; I swear, if I were a straight man, it would've turned my 'nads to ice. That is one scary woman.

(source)

Osama Bin Laden Digs Crackho Whitney

Ever wonder what kind of woman turns a psychotic international terrorist's crank? Well, wonder no more kiddies; thanks to an alleged ex-sex slave of Osama Bin Laden, we now know exactly what kind of female brings woodage to the old Al Qaeda tentpole - the kind that makes a fortune in music and movies, then marries a has-been singer and turns into a drug-addled wash-out right before our very eyes. Yup, Whitney Houston. According to a book by Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and recently-fired "Days of Our Lives" writer who claims to have once been a member of Bin Laden's harem, the America-hating, 9/11-planning lunatic has an obsession with Whitney Houston, and once told Boof he would like to get rid of her husband Bobby Brown and make her one of his wives. "[He would say] how beautiful she is," Boof writes, "what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed." Osama's thing for Whitney apparently runs counter to his general feelings about African women, however. "African women are only good for a man's lower pleasures," Boof quotes Bin Laden as saying. "What need do you have for a womb?"

If I were Whitney I'd be packing my bags right now and heading for Afghanistan. Bobby Brown? Crap, girl, he's an l-o-s-e-r loser. Osama Bin Laden? Guy's got millions. I mean, sure, you'll have to live in a cave, but think about the primo smoke, and all you have to do is shine the guy's tentpole every now and then. Okay, so maybe you run the risk of being beheaded for no reason, but what the hell, you ain't using that thing for anything anyway, right? Sorry Bobby, but I think this is a gots to go situation.

(source)