Crappy singer-songwriter Jason Mraz is on a crusade to save the environment. Funny that I would use the word "crappy" to describe him, since a central element of this crusade touches on the subject of crap, and more precisely, what we wasteful Americans use for wiping that particular material from our hairy assholes. Yes, toilet paper. That's what Jason Mraz aka the male Gwyneth Paltrow is concerned about. He posted on his MySpace blog:Deep Shit
Recent News from our friends at the Natural Resource Defense Council (The NRDC) say that Americans’ addiction to two-ply, super soft toilet paper is causing greater harm to our environment than our gas guzzling cars. No shit.
How is that so?
In order to produce all that perfectly plush paper, companies must harvest tons of virgin trees, which the reaping of means less oxygen for the atmosphere to offset or all the carbon that seems to be frying us here on the surface.
So our asses are in trouble.
The US is the country that consumes the most forests specifically to fulfill the demand of Charmen Assficiandos far and wide. If you travel abroad, you may find discomfort in the thin one-ply offered up pretty much everywhere else. But that’s because most other countries are more careful about their resourceful trees and/or use recycled and post-consumer paper in the manufacturing of toilet tissue. Click here to learn what post-consumer means.
I remember visiting India and being astounded to find there wasn’t any paper. Talk about saving trees and not clogging the septic! Instead, there was a water hose next to the toilet and it was recommend you use your hand (which is why you always shake hands and eat meals with your right (and only your right).)
So let me get this straight: this cocksucker is suggesting I take my cues from India, the filthiest country on earth not named France, and use a hose and my hand to clear the excess from my ass rather than wipe with Charmin? Because it's killing trees? Is this guy fucking serious?
Dear Jason Mraz: Get the fuck out of my face. What I wipe with is my own business. I will use fifteen-ply butt-scrubbers made from the entrails of endangered African rhinos if I choose. This is America bucko, the most wonderful, civilized nation on earth - and we didn't get that way by hosing out our assholes or using shitty one-ply foreign paper. Have you even read the fucking Declaration of Independence numbnuts? It's right there in the second paragraph:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of soft, soft wood-pulp-based products with which to caress the inner-most reaches of that orifice which God in His infinite wisdom made the most special and wondrous place in all the earth and heaven.Does Jason Mraz think he knows better than the Founding Fathers? Does he think he can throw his idiot conservationist bullshit up in the face of hundreds of years of American ass-wiping tradition? Does he think I'm going to start wiping my ass with leaves or buying rags I then have to wash instead of just flush down the toilet and not think about anymore? Fuck him and his granola-sucking ways. And fuck Ed Begley, Jr. and Al Gore and all the rest of them. I'm an American, and as such, it is my right to fuck up the earth as much as I please. And have a nice, fresh, clean, silky-smooth asshole.
