Woman-Swapping?

At the after-party for Jay-Z's concert at the Royal Albert Hall in London...

Jay-Z playing the meat in a Beyonce/Gwyneth Paltrow sandwich (that's beef on white and rye):

Chris Martin aka Mr. Paltrow getting cozy with Jay-Z's squeeze Beyonce:

Swingers.

Great Moments in Gayness

He does know he's being campy, right?

Making Ourselves Feel Better By Belittling the Beautiful: Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson looking all tanned and summery (and just a little high) at the Venice Film Festival.

Did Candice Bergen Have a Stroke Or Not?

Candice Bergen had a stroke. She was rushed to the hospital but is expected to make a full recovery.

Candice Bergen did not have a stroke. She has high blood pressure and was hospitalized for observation.

Candice Bergen's fashion sense leaves something to be desired in either case:


Oh God. I think I just had a stroke.

Video of Steve Irwin's Death

Crabbie's Quickies: Zeta Dumped (Not By Douglas), Dickinson Horny (What Else is New?), Anna Nicole's Kid Fought Over

Phone company T-Mobile has decided to drop raven-haired seductress Catherine Zeta-Jones as its official pitchwoman.

According to T-Mobile, the company is looking for more of a "down-to-earth" persona to represent the company. I think they just dumped her cause she's old and losing her looks, but what do I know?

*

Crazed ex-model Janice Dickinson has set her amorous sights on grouchy American Idol judge Simon Cowell.

Loopy cokehead Dickinson, a seventies fashion icon who's seen something of a resurrection as a reality-TV harpy, says the acerbic Cowell is, "the sexiest man on TV," and that she wants to challenge him to a "fuck-off" (I guess that's like a bake-off except there's fucking). No response yet from Cowell, but I've got a sneaking hunch he's not interested in Janice - or anyone else with a vagina.

*

Things are getting even crazier in Anna Nicole Smith's life. First it was that whole unfortunate deal with her son, you know the dying and stuff, and now it appears there's going to be a battle between two different creeps over who is the father of Smith's new baby.

On TV the other night, some shady lawyer called Howard K. Stern (that K. is there so we won't confuse him with the boner-nosed Jew radio prick) claimed to be the man responsible for bringing little Dannilynn Smith into the world. Now, a photojournalist named Larry Birkhead is claiming that he and not Stern is the real father, and he's demanding a paternity test to settle the matter.

Somebody call Maury Povich!

Wouldn't it be just deliciously ironic if both Stern and Birkhead turned out to be a pair of lying creeps who are just trying to make a buck off their association with Smith? I mean, considering Smith's own history of blatant gold-digging?

Sucks to Be a Manly Man

Why fags are smarter.

That's okay big dumb lunks. We still love you (especially you Rock).

Clooney and Zellweger Back Together. Oh Please God. Say it Isn't So.

George Clooney and Renee Zellweger are apparently an item again.

Clooney, the smashingly handsome and politically active star of Syriana and The Peacemaker, was seen Sunday at a restaurant in L.A.'s Sunset Tower Hotel cuddling, holding hands and slow-dancing with ex-girlfriend Zellweger, the gratingly eccentric, revoltingly skinny star of Chicago and A Price Above Rubies.

What the hell is George Clooney thinking getting mixed up with that nut-bag Renee Zellweger? Does he just have a thing for psychiatric cases? Or did she slap some kind of voodoo curse on him that causes him to come crawling back to her every five years?

There's been a lot of talk lately about George Clooney maybe running for president (though George himself doesn't seem to want to entertain such notions). I personally think this would be a great idea. First of all, George would be the hottest president of all-time (even hotter than Franklin Pierce). Second of all, he would be much more heroic and activist than that dickhead George Bush, who only cares about making money for his oil cronies, and couldn't give a flying fuck if the poor people of Darfur keep getting killed off. I think, however, that it would be a great detriment to Clooney's political career to have someone like Renee Zellweger hanging on his arm. I mean, could you imagine first lady Renee Zellweger? And you thought Mary Todd Lincoln was crazy.

I just don't think it would do for the president of the United States to have a wife who can drink him under the table, and who finds it difficult to keep her legs closed in the presence of anyone with a pair of testicles. When I think of a first lady, I think of Jackie - elegant, sophisticated, heroically poised in the face of tragedy. I do not think of Renee Zellweger, a woman who had the poor taste to marry Kenny Chesney.

Crabbie's Odds

Paris Hilton, arrested several weeks ago for being intoxicated behind the wheel, has now been formally charged with drunk driving.

Odds Paris ends up doing Boy George-like community service work: 50-1.
Odds Paris shows up for her court date carrying a monkey in a pink bag: 20-1.
Odds Paris vomits in the next 24 hours: 3-1.


Katie Holmes's ex-squeeze Chris Klein is good-naturedly shrugging off claims that Katie and Tom Cruise's daughter Suri more resembles him than the alleged father.

Odds Chris Klein gets a visit from Scientologists in black trenchcoats in the next week: 20-1.
Odds Suri grows up to be about 6-foot-two with an endearingly aw-shucks manner: 15-1.
Odds Tom Cruise actually endures all this without some kind of pharmaceutical assistance: 100-1.

Monkey-like tramp Nicole Richie is vehemently denying claims that she has checked herself into a rehab facility over an eating disorder.

Odds Nicole eats an entire turkey sub with extra mayo: 75-1.
Odds Nicole is mistaken for a macaque and dragged off to a zoo: 4-1.
Odds Paris finally pays a hitman to murder Nicole: 2-1.



"Comedian" Kathy Griffin says that ex-90210 star Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott are expecting a child.

Odds Kathy Griffin says something genuinely funny at some point in her life: 200-1.
Odds Tori Spelling puts her face too close to a radiator and it melts: 10-1.
Odds of a man ever vaginally penetrating Tori Spelling without first putting a paper bag over her head: 500-1.


Russell Crowe is flush with indignation over speculative reports that he wishes to portray his late friend Croc-man Steve Irwin.

Odds Russell Crowe punches someone today: 5-1.
Odds Russell Crowe punches someone tomorrow: 5-1.
Odds Russell Crowe sucks a cock today or tomorrow: 1-1.

Lindsay Lohan is Diabolically Clever

Page 6 reports on Lindsay Lohan's "devious plan" to enrage her ex-boyfriend Harry Morton, and simultaneously tweak her arch-nemesis in craven hussidom, Paris Hilton.

The scheme involved Lohan recruiting Paris's old squeeze Stavros Niarchos to canoodle her in public, then be seen driving to her suite at the Chateau Marmont. This was meant to send Morton, who allegedly dumped Lohan for being "too much drama", into a tail-spin of jealousy, while at the same time aggravating Hilton, who has become well-known for tormenting Lohan.

Wow. Lindsay is damn conniving. I wonder where she gets it from...




Oh yeah.

By the way, Paris Hilton has come up with her own scheme for getting back at Lindsay. She plans on waiting outside Lindsay's building for her to come out, then crapping in her hand and flinging it at her.

Gest's Civil Suit Thrown Out. Liza Wants to SING!

A judge has tossed out David Gest's $10 million civil suit against ex-wife Liza Minnelli, which claimed that a drunken Minnelli had beaten him to the point of giving him chronic headaches.

The judge, New York Supreme Court Justice Jane Solomon, dismissed the lawsuit because Gest's doctors "failed to rebut Minnelli's medical experts, who said Gest's headaches were caused by a strain of herpes" and not by beatings.

So now poor David doesn't get the $10 million, and on top of that, everyone knows he has herpes. Great lawsuit!

David Gest - all he does is give creepy old queens a bad name. And Liza Minnelli - you've finally managed it, haven't you Liza? You've achieved your life-long goal of surpassing your mother as the most heinous drug-addled shrew of all-time.

Have a double on me Liza. You've earned it.

Great Moments in Gayness

Mel Gibson Is Against the War in Iraq. Because It Was Started By Jews, Obviously.

Hitler-like nut-job Mel Gibson has hit on a strategy for rehabilitating his battered image - criticizing the war in Iraq.

The Oscar-winning director and accomplished drunken loon showed up at something called Fantastic Fest in Austin, Texas Friday, presumably to promote his up-coming movie Apocalypto, and in front of the assembled geeks began holding forth on various matters, including the on-going unpleasantness in Mesopotamia.

"The precursors to a civilization that's going under are the same, time and time again," Gibson said, apparently attempting to pass off his goofy Mayan-language epic as some kind of allegory of modern times. "What's human sacrifice if not sending guys off to Iraq for no reason?"

Does that even make sense? Probably not if it's coming from Mel. But then, making sense is certainly not the point of Mel's words (although, in his own mind, he probably thinks he's being profoundly brilliant). The point is to make himself look like less of a dirt-bag by bringing up the actions of people who are even more reviled than him. Yeah, people may hate Mel Gibson right now, but they really, really hate George Bush.

Could anything be more revoltingly crass and shameless than conveying anti-war sentiments for the sheer purpose of currying favor? I don't know, why don't we ask these three skanks:


Gibson doesn't honestly believe this is going to work, does he? Going Dixie Chicks as a way of getting in good with his elitist buddies again?

"Hey, I hate Iraq, you hate Iraq. Let's forget for a second that most of you are Jewish and I said Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world. That's not nearly as bad as what George Bush has done."

The logic of Mel Gibson: I did something bad, but other people have done worse things, so that means I should be let off the hook. OK. So if I kill your dog, you should just let it go, because Stalin killed millions of his people and we all know that's way worse. Wow. Mel Gibson is a god damn genius.

I wonder how drunk he was when he came up with this shit.

Babs' New Look

Barbra. You know I love you babe but, uh...no.

Robin Williams Out of Rehab

"Funny-man" Robin Williams has checked out of rehab (which he entered in July after a spat with his wife) and moved in with a "sober friend" who is helping keep him in line.

I'm guessing the friend won't be sober for long, if he's living with Robin Williams.

Williams' return to the outside world comes just weeks before the release of his new film, Man of the Year, about a comedian who runs for president of the United States. The movie was directed by Barry Levinson, who hasn't made a good picture since Diner. And Robin Williams hasn't been funny since, well, ever. So this thing ought to really be a hoot.

A line from Man of the Year: "Politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason." Wow, Hollywood writers are now taking their jokes straight from bumper-stickers.

When do we get to vote on Robin Williams never being allowed to open his mouth in public again?

Let's All Feel Sorry For Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan's broken wrist will be in a cast for six weeks.

The injured starlet's rehab regimen will include lifting bottles weighted with whiskey, ball-squeezing, bending forward to snort coke off a low glass coffee table (that's good for the lumbar region), and for cardio-vascular, stomping up and down on DVDs of Scarlett Johansson movies.

Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin - Two People Who Plumb Don't Like Each Other

Divorced movie stars Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin continue to go after each other like pitbulls with the smell of blood in their noses.

In a recent GQ article, Baldwin called Basinger's lawyer Judy Bogen a "300-pound homunculus whose face looks like a cross between a bulldog and a clenched fist." So I guess that means he doesn't like her.

Basinger returned fire on Baldwin, saying, "I am appalled by the statements made by Alec Baldwin in GQ. I am sickened by the fact that somebody can speak this way about another human being."

Oh lighten up Kim. It wasn't like he called you an old hag whose face is so pumped full of Botox it's in danger of being taken away by archaeologists and put on display in a mummy exhibit.

Let's face it, neither Kim nor Alec are exactly lighting up the ol' Hollywood hot-meter these days. Kim has done precisely squat with the cred she gained from winning the Oscar for L.A. Confidential, and Alec, despite a smashing performance in The Cooler, is basically on the fast-track to becoming a fatter, more abrasively liberal version of his brother Daniel.

As long as these two keep trading insults, we'll pay attention. As soon as they stop...ehhh.

Courtney Love is Helping Whitney Houston Get Clean. And Pig-Pen from Peanuts Has Opened His Own Dry Cleaning Chain.

Crackhead Whitney Houston is getting help from an unlikely source in her battle against drug addiction - Courtney Love.

Yes, that Courtney Love. The one who murdered her husband Kurt Cobain (I guess that's never been definitively proven, but it's a rumor, so we'll just run with it). The one whose vomiting prowess has become nearly legendary. It seems Courtney was recently recruited by famed music producer Clive Davis to help intervene in the on-doing disaster that is Whitney's life, and now Courtney is mentoring the recovering Whitney.

For the record, Courtney Love insists that she is no longer a drug addict. Of course I once thought that I was no longer gay too. Until I suddenly realized I had somebody's dick in my mouth.

Think about it though. Whitney Houston is so messed up, she's actually getting guidance from Courtney Love.

I'm assuming the split from Bobby Brown is part of this new strategy to get Whitney's life back in shape. But where does that leave Bobby? I'm going to guess that whatever money the man's made, he's probably smoked it all. And it's not like the guy can just call up Clive Davis and get his career put back together. Maybe somebody could get hold of Robert Downey, Jr., and have him give Bobby a good talking-to about what really matters in life.

Janet Jackson a Cokehead (Not Really, But It Sounded Good)

Boob-baring singer Janet Jackson has revealed that she once took liquid cocaine, but claims she was tricked into it by someone who told her it was sore throat medicine.

That's how it happens to all of us the first time, Janet. Somebody tells us the stuff is "medicine," and we take it, and pretty soon we're jumping around like monkeys, and grinding our teeth down to nubs. And oh yeah, then we're going on Super Bowl halftime shows and flashing our pierced nipples in front of millions of impressionable youngsters (most of whom also have pierced nipples).

Liquid cocaine - now that's the real Jesus juice.

Mel Gibson Marries Off His Daughter. To a Good Christian White Boy.

Mel Gibson's daughter Hannah married country singer Kenny Wayne Shepherd on Saturday. Mel was said to be happy - happy that his daughter didn't marry a fucking Jew.

I hope ol' Kenny Wayne knows what he's getting himself into. Of course he is a country singer, so I guess having a drunken relative who hates Jewish people is not really anything new to him.

I'm still waiting for a report on the reception. I hope Mel was able to abstain from lapping liquor out of a dog-dish, as reportedly happened at another soiree he attended earlier this year. Then again, maybe that's just some kind of Gibson family tradition. Instead of feeding each other the first pieces of wedding cake, Hannah and Kenny Wayne took turns having their first sip of hooch from Fido's water-bowl.

Man Caught Pissing On Tom Cruise's Lawn

An unidentified man has been arrested for urinating on the grounds of Tom Cruise's Beverly Hills mansion. The perpetrator was captured by a video camera, and the footage was used by Beverly Hills police to apprehend him.

What kind of crazy person would urinate on Tom Cruise's lawn anyway? It would have to be someone who really hated his guts.

People who hate Tom Cruise's guts. Well, that's sure narrowing it down isn't it?

Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan Fractures Wrist. Breaking News. Fractured Wrist. Damn, That's Good Funny.

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital Friday night after falling and breaking her wrist.

No snide-asses, she wasn't drunk...or maybe she was drunk. Does anybody know if she was drunk?

According to the story she was walking around the Milk Studios in New York in "flat Channel boots" when she slipped and went down. Apparently, a stink is already being raised over the lack of safety precautions at the Milk Studios. Doesn't take long for injured movie stars to start raising stinks does it?

Okay, so the jokes on this one are obvious. Lindsay - she just wants to get off of work again, and she knows the old "asthma attack" and "heat exhaustion" excuses aren't going to fly anymore. Or, "Lindsay Lohan broke her wrist. She was trying to give a rhinoceros a hand-job."

Far be it from me to say anything like that, though. I would never exploit someone else's misfortune that way.

Elton John and George Michael Are Friends Again

Feuding queens Elton John and George Michael have decided to bury the hatchet. This is very disappointing to those of us who were hoping for a steelcage homo death-match between the two of them at some point.

I've got a few things to say to my fellow fags Elton and George while we're on the subject. Elton, will you please stop going all over the globe being belligerent? It gives queens a bad name. And George Michael. I love you. You know that. But please. Do you think you could go a week without getting arrested for something? I mean, getting arrested, maybe that does something for your image if you're already considered tough, but when people know you're nothing but a limp-wristed fairy, I'm sorry, it just isn't winning you any street-cred (the best it's ever going to get you is a job as a street-sweeper; just ask Boy George).

These two homos get way too much publicity. We need to focus more on positive gay role-models, like Michael Strahan of the New York Giants, or Jake Gyllenhaal, or Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. You know, people who are achievers. Not an old angry flake like Elton John, or a can't-keep-it-in-his-pants pervert like George Michael.

(disclaimer: I have no proof that Strahan, Gyllenhaal or Santorum are gay. I have only wild surmises.)

Canada Down on Penn

They have some pretty stiff anti-smoking laws in Ontario - so stiff that they even apply to arrogant jerk movie stars like Sean Penn.

Authorities in the Canadian province are considering charges against the actor after he flouted their lung-friendly legislation by lighting up during a press conference at a Toronto hotel.

I say hang him by his sack. And while he's dangling there, make him watch The Interpreter over and over again. Or read him one of his rambling essays on Iraq.

Kiss My Ass: Whitney and Bobby No Longer A Couple

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have filed court documents seeking a legal separation. TMZ reports that Whitney will officially file for divorce next month.

Now's your chance Osama!

Paris Hilton a Menace to Nature

Nutty animal rights activists are all over Paris Hilton for using her pets as "accessories", including her kikajou Baby Luv, which they are demanding Hilton release into the wild where it belongs. And her tiny-monkey earrings have got to go too.

More On the Death Of Anna Nicole Smith's Son

TMZ.com reports on the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son, including some vague information about the authorities interviewing personnel on-board the flight the late Daniel Smith took to the Bahamas.

The subtext of most of the coverage on this, at least since the police began calling the death "suspicious," has been, "Did Anna Nicole herself have something to do with her son dying?" Which seems a little unfair to me - I mean, it's not like Anna Nicole has a history of homicidal behavior. Being a drug-addled gold-digging no-talent media-whore does not make you a murderer.

Crabbie's Back

Had a lovely vacation on my couch. Now I'm ready to dish the dirt again. Let's see, what's been going on the world...

Oh my God, they finally published pictures of Tom Cruise's baby. Little Suri. Who bears on her tiny undeveloped shoulders the burden of rehumanizing her lunatic father. Good luck Suri. You're gonna need it.

Paris Hilton got arrested for DUI. I heard that, initially, she didn't want to take a breathalyzer, then they told her it was just like sucking on a budding young rock star's sweaty prick and she grabbed it and tried to flee. I kid Paris.

I watched a little bit of the U.S. Open. Roger Federer and his fuzzy balls beat Andy Roddick and his fuzzy balls. I just love manly men and their fuzzy balls.

Oh, and that poor croc guy got killed by that stingray. When I first heard about it, all I heard was that a famous Australian had lost his life in a freak aquatic mishap, and I had visions of Russell Crowe being chopped up by a propeller. Then I found out it wasn't Russell Crowe. Oh well, maybe next time...