Who the hell is Brody Jenner? Some doofus who was on a reality show and did some modeling. Oh, and he was also once known for shagging Nicole Richie (as if that were some kind of accomplishment). And now Brody is going to be famous for something else - being a world-class dickhead. I mean Jared Leto-sized. Damn, that's a big dickhead. What the hell could the guy have done to deserve such scorn, Crabbie? Did he reject your half-drunken amorous advances at a party or something? No. It was nothing he did to me. It was what he tried to do to Nicole Richie - a devious scheme that has now been revealed by Details magazine, which has an extensive profile of Mr. Jenner in its current issue, along with lots of sexy pictures I'd assume.
The scheme was devised for one reason - to get Brody Jenner more pub. And, revoltingly enough, it involved taking advantage of Ms. Richie's obvious eating issues. According to Details, the plot was hatched by Jenner's handler, Spencer Pratt. Here is an account of Pratt proposing the nefarious machination:
Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You'll be, like, a fucking hero to America.
Yes, a human being actually said those words. Or a being who, at least from a scientific point-of-view, is allegedly human. Of course the whole thing makes no sense on the face of it. Because why would getting Nicole Richie to eat make Brody a hero? Nicole scarfs a sub (okay, half a sub) and Brody takes credit for it, and the whole nation raises its voice in approbation? Who is this Spencer Pratt and what is he smoking? And how can I get some?
Spencer Pratt - fly-ridden pile of shit. And what about Brody Jenner? He's not much better, I'd say. A pile of shit but maybe without the flies. Of course, this is Nicole Richie we're talking about - maybe she wanted to be used like a piece of toilet paper and thrown away. Girl is obviously a bit lacking in the self-esteem department. Still, that doesn't excuse Jenner. What a conniving little dick. And listen to some of the other bullshit he slings in the Details article, about how phony Hollywood is:
This whole scene, this whole town – it's so fake. It's like a movie set, like my life is a movie set. These people, they all think it's real, but it's not.
This from a man who admits to using another human being as a means of advancing his own career - in the very town he calls fake! Jesus, Brody Jenner may be more than a dick - he may be psychotic. Even worse, he may be Lindsay Lohan-like. Damn man, listen to your own words. And lay off the Laguna Beach babes. Kristin Cavallari is only hot if you can't get your hands on Jessica Biel (and don't get any ideas about Jessica; Justin's got his eye on her, or at least he did have - oh Jesus, I think my head is going to explode).
Update: Brody Jenner is apparently smart enough to realize when someone has made him look like a major jerk. And he has enough shame to be bothered when this happens. Here's what Jenner had to say about the Details magazine article characterizing him as a scheming shit:
I have broad shoulders and can handle what is written about me personally but when I am misquoted or mischaracterized as exhibiting a disrespectful attitude towards someone I care about, I feel I need to clarify the situation. I genuinely love Nicole... I would never say or do anything hurtful to those I love and respect. I'm sorry it was represented that way.
You'll notice that nowhere in that statement does Jenner directly address the things his manager Spencer Pratt allegedly said. He merely says he's sorry "it was represented that way." What other way did you want anyone to represent it, Brody? As a joke? Oh, by the way, Brody Jenner's mother Linda Thompson has come out in his defense. Here's what she had to say:
[Brody] has always been fond of [Nicole]. He dated her because he really likes her. He doesn't have to date anyone for any other reason than he really likes them.
Hmm, does that sound like anyone we know? Dina Lohan maybe? Another delusional parent of a spoiled Hollywood twit. Face it, Linda - your son is a creep. And so are you. And if I were Nicole Richie I'd never speak to the bastard again. Of course, Nicole is so pitiful, she'd probably have sex with him again in a heartbeat. She may in fact be having sex with him right now. Either that or she's got her head between Mischa Barton's legs.
