The line-up for the next Dancing With the Stars has been announced. Somehow I managed to miss all the previous installments of the program. I meant to watch when that little bow-tie-wearing sissy Tucker Carlson was on too, but it slipped my mind for some reason. Anyway, here are the "luminaries" scheduled to appear:
Heather Mills - Yup, it's official - the boil on Paul McCartney's ass is going to be stumping her way through the competition. Oh, how heroic of Heather. What a positive role model she is to other people with disabilities. And people whose dream is to one day smear the good name of a musical icon and become utterly reviled for it.
Billy Ray Cyrus - Don't tell my Achy, Breaky Heart that Billy Ray Cyrus is actually going to be on television. Don't tell my stomach either. Or my bowels.
Leeza Gibbons - Well, look at the bright-side - it could've been Nancy O'Dell.
Joey Fatone - The fat, ugly member of N'Sync everyone made fun of. The other day I went to Wendy's for a bacon cheeseburger and I swear I saw a guy working the counter who looked just like Joey...
Laili Ali - Muhammed Ali's butch boxer daughter. Maybe she'll punch-out Billy Ray Cyrus. That I wouldn't mind seeing.
Vincent Pastore - The guy who played Big Pussy on The Sopranos. This is what happens when you get bumped off on that show - you wind up on Dancing With the Stars. Of course, the show is winding down now, which means most of the cast will be on shows like this next year. I can't wait until Bobby Bacala appears on Celebrity Fit Club.
Apolo Anton Ohno - The speed-skater guy? I guess Bode Miller was too drunk.
Paulina Porizkova - The chick who was once married to that ugly, skinny guy from The Cars, right? Or maybe they're still married. Or maybe it was some other model from a former Eastern Bloc nation. Maybe it wasn't the guy from The Cars. Ah Christ, who cares?
Clyde Drexler - A basketball player, apparently. What, no Rick Fox? Too bad - I wouldn't mind looking at him for a couple of nights.
Ian Ziering - Ha ha, Steve from Beverly Hills 90210. The last time I saw this doof he was lampooning his own loserness in that shitty Keira Knightley movie Domino. I guess he brings the Mario Lopez factor to the new season. You know, a former teeny-bopper icon who is now lurching uncomfortably toward middle-age.
Shandi Finnessey - Miss USA 2004. What, no Tara Conner? I guess they were afraid Tara would get all coked up and start ripping her clothes off. Then Trump would have to come out and forgive her again. And no one wants that.
