Katie Holmes was minding her own business, see? She was just walking along with little Suri, la-dee-da-dee-da, not a care in the world...and then...the photographers! Oh my God! Gotta plaster a smile to my face! Gotta make like the hap-hap-happiest little mommy on the face of the earth! Everything is fine! Everything is wonderful! How could anyone be unhappy who was married to Tom Cruise?
See my teeth? Don't they gleam? Tom bought them for me...for my birthday! And you know what else he bought me? A space-age super-powered vibrator! Cause if I've got me one of those puppies, I'm never, ever gonna have to cheat! Why the hell would I wanna cheat? That fucker's got like fifty different attachments! I haven't even tried them all yet. I don't even know what half of 'em do! Hahahahaha!!!!
By the way, Suri? The next Mary Tyler Moore. Bank on it.
