Britney Spears went and did a silly thing by shaving her head. An impulsive, wacky thing. Now, Crabbie likes it when people do impulsive, wacky things, because, let's face it, the world would be a pretty boring place if people only ever did the predictable. However, in Britney's case - um, I hate to say it, but that girl has one unattractive cranium. I mean, the bald look works for some people - Sinead O'Conner for example, or G. Gordon Liddy - but, sadly, Britney is not one of those people. Those blonde tresses of hers were her trademark - without them she's like Selleck without the stache, or Paris without the wonky eye. But, what's done is done - that hair ain't going to be back to its former magnificence for awhile. So, in the meantime, what Britney needs is to hopefully make some good come of this. She needs to be creative, and turn her baldness into an asset. And, since Crabbie is all about practical advice, I have come up with a few suggestions for how Britney can do just that:
1. Start a death-metal group. Call it Aryan Spears. Or, if that's a little too hard-core, Britney could always call Michael Stipe and ask him if he needs a vacation. Actually, I could much more easily see Britney in R.E.M. than some crazy death-metal ensemble. Britney's a bit too girly for that hard-core stuff. She belongs in a pussy-band.
2. Revive Kojak. Yeah. That's what TV needs. Britney Spears as the female Kojak. She's way cuter than Telly Savalas ever was (although, Crabbie did used to have a bit of a crush on Telly; there was something about the bald head and lollipop). Of course, you'll have to re-write the character a bit for Britney. I don't think the viewing public would buy her as a tough-as-nails police detective. Maybe she could be a decorator or something. Or a dog-groomer who solves really simple mysteries.
3. Become a Curly impersonator. Because who doesn't love the Three Stooges? Uh, actually, Crabbie doesn't. In fact, I can't think of anything lamer than a bunch of fat, stupid guys poking each other in the eye. Of course, if Britney became Curly, then it would be funny. And then if she could recruit some of her pals to be Larry and Moe - maybe Xtina as Larry and Jessica Simpson as Moe. That would be fricking hilarious. Although, I don't know if it would be a great idea to encourage those three to engage in simulated violence. It would be too easy for it to become real violence. And it would be a real shame if Xtina were to have her eye poked out.
4. Star in a film version of One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich. Britney as a simple man trying to survive in a Soviet detention camp. She could win an Oscar. Of course, she'd have to drop some pounds for the role. And grow a penis. That could be tough. All right then, maybe a different role. Like Joan of Arc. Yeah, Britney as the heroic young religious fanatic leading the French into combat against the British. She would kill in that part. Especially if they did it as a musical. Just imagine the courtroom scenes with Bob Fosse numbers. And the burning at the stake scene as a big show-stopping Busby Berkeley extravaganza. God damn. I'm ready to buy a ticket for that right now.
5. Join a pro-wrestling tour. That would be perfect for Britney. She's already got the white-trash cred, plus there's a perfect nickname just sitting there - Bam Bam Britney. How awesome would it be to see Britney fling slutty Stacey Keibler into a turnbuckle, then give her a knee to the solar plexus? Then her manager K-Fed could throw her a folding chair while the ref's back is turned, and she could beat ten different kinds of dog crap out of Stacey, leaving her prone on the mat. Then Britney could climb onto the top turnbuckle for her signature move - the Oops I Flung Myself Through The Air Onto Your Prostrate Form Again. Go Britney! Pin that ho!
6. Move to Seattle and become a street musician. Sure, why not? Britney's probably got a pair of combat boots lying around, and she's already got the tattoos (although she'll probably have to get a lot more, plus stretch her earlobes out and perhaps jam a bone through her septum). What could be better than standing around a drizzly street-corner all day belting out tunes about global warming and the boyfriend you knifed while people drop change into your guitar case? Maybe she could forge a second career for herself this way, gain some respect from all those asshole music critics who fawn over atrocious people like Ani Difranco. Sure. All she has to do is hammer mindlessly away on her battered old guitar while reciting amateurish poetry. And never smile.
7. Become a Buddhist. Clearly, what Britney needs right now is a little balance in her life. Meditation would do her good. Plus I think she'd look really cute in one of those orange toga-deals. And, maybe, she could get a date with Richard Gere. Unless the rumors about Richard are true and he doesn't really care for girls. Of course, changing religions again so soon after becoming Jewish might be a bit dizzying for Britney. Plus it would probably piss Madonna off.
