Jessica Simpson showed up at Hyde again the other night, but this time managed to keep her mouth closed. Am I the only one who thinks this broad is completely confused about who she wants to be? I'm convinced that she's suffering from a serious identity crisis. And, if she truly needs help finding herself, I'm willing to volunteer my services. And no, I'm not being a creep - I don't swing that way, remember? What I'm talking about is more along the lines of counseling. You know, being Jessica's gay best friend. The one who's always full of pithy advice about life choices (there are lots of them in the movies). The first thing I'd tell Jessica is to dump that John Mayer. Guy is such a douche. Then, I'd help Jessica find herself a good man - you know, someone who would make her forget about Nick once and for all. Someone who would appreciate her for who she is, not just as a fine piece of ass. Oh, but that could be a problem - cause I'm not sure Jessica knows who she is yet. And if she doesn't know who the real Jessica is, then how is anyone else supposed to appreciate her? Dang, this could be tougher than I thought. Okay, I know...Jessica, honey (I'll just start addressing her directly, as if she's actually reading this), I know this isn't going to be easy for you to hear but...I think it's about time you told that pimp-ass father of yours to go take a long walk off a short pier. I mean, how old are you now Jess? 26? That's plenty old enough for you to start rebelling. In fact, you should've rebelled against that controlling, perverted piece of garbage a long time ago. But, better late than never. I say you arrange a meeting with the bastard and just tell him to get the hell out of your life and stay out. And don't worry about breaking his little heart or anything - I seriously doubt he has one to break. I'm pretty sure he had it taken out and replaced with a cash register a long time ago. Seriously, Jess - you need to get away from that fucked-up family of yours. It'll do you good to get out on your own, learn to start making your own decisions. Get away from all that damn pressure. Trust me Jess, you'll fell much better if you do. Why, you might even start discovering interests outside of dyeing your hair and hating Vanessa Minnillo. You might go to Europe, say, and hit some museums, maybe visit some historic sites. Learn about the world. Read. Get nailed by sweaty French guys in hotel rooms so seedy even Henry Miller wouldn't have been caught dead there. Then you can head to Greece, get poked by some Greek guys who smell like rancid fish and like to read Ovid aloud. Hmm, this is starting to sound like fun. You mind if I go with? Actually, why don't you stay home and I'll go. Yeah, it'll just be wasted on you anyway. The cultural treasures of Europe and all that. You're a dumb whore, and anyway, everyone knows you'll never tell that creepy father of yours where to get off. You couldn't even get through a Dolly Parton tribute without having an emotional breakdown, so how are you ever going to confront your crappy parents? No, sorry Jess, but I give up. You're hopeless. You and that absurd sister of yours. Get out of my face.
Friday, February 9, 2007
Jessica Simpson Keeps Her Mouth Shut
Jessica Simpson showed up at Hyde again the other night, but this time managed to keep her mouth closed. Am I the only one who thinks this broad is completely confused about who she wants to be? I'm convinced that she's suffering from a serious identity crisis. And, if she truly needs help finding herself, I'm willing to volunteer my services. And no, I'm not being a creep - I don't swing that way, remember? What I'm talking about is more along the lines of counseling. You know, being Jessica's gay best friend. The one who's always full of pithy advice about life choices (there are lots of them in the movies). The first thing I'd tell Jessica is to dump that John Mayer. Guy is such a douche. Then, I'd help Jessica find herself a good man - you know, someone who would make her forget about Nick once and for all. Someone who would appreciate her for who she is, not just as a fine piece of ass. Oh, but that could be a problem - cause I'm not sure Jessica knows who she is yet. And if she doesn't know who the real Jessica is, then how is anyone else supposed to appreciate her? Dang, this could be tougher than I thought. Okay, I know...Jessica, honey (I'll just start addressing her directly, as if she's actually reading this), I know this isn't going to be easy for you to hear but...I think it's about time you told that pimp-ass father of yours to go take a long walk off a short pier. I mean, how old are you now Jess? 26? That's plenty old enough for you to start rebelling. In fact, you should've rebelled against that controlling, perverted piece of garbage a long time ago. But, better late than never. I say you arrange a meeting with the bastard and just tell him to get the hell out of your life and stay out. And don't worry about breaking his little heart or anything - I seriously doubt he has one to break. I'm pretty sure he had it taken out and replaced with a cash register a long time ago. Seriously, Jess - you need to get away from that fucked-up family of yours. It'll do you good to get out on your own, learn to start making your own decisions. Get away from all that damn pressure. Trust me Jess, you'll fell much better if you do. Why, you might even start discovering interests outside of dyeing your hair and hating Vanessa Minnillo. You might go to Europe, say, and hit some museums, maybe visit some historic sites. Learn about the world. Read. Get nailed by sweaty French guys in hotel rooms so seedy even Henry Miller wouldn't have been caught dead there. Then you can head to Greece, get poked by some Greek guys who smell like rancid fish and like to read Ovid aloud. Hmm, this is starting to sound like fun. You mind if I go with? Actually, why don't you stay home and I'll go. Yeah, it'll just be wasted on you anyway. The cultural treasures of Europe and all that. You're a dumb whore, and anyway, everyone knows you'll never tell that creepy father of yours where to get off. You couldn't even get through a Dolly Parton tribute without having an emotional breakdown, so how are you ever going to confront your crappy parents? No, sorry Jess, but I give up. You're hopeless. You and that absurd sister of yours. Get out of my face.
