Ryan Seacrest is hosting tonight's New Year's coverage on ABC, along with old fossil Dick Clark, and is hoping for a kiss from performer Christina Aguilera at the stroke of midnight."Last year I got lucky with Mariah (Carey)," said Seacrest, "so hopefully at that moment she's right there."
There are so many things wrong with that last statement. First off, there's nothing lucky about being kissed by Mariah Carey. You're lucky if she doesn't fall over on top of you and crush your spine. Second, everyone knows you're gay Ryan, so stop trying to act all straight and shit. And third, a kiss from Christina Aguilera? Might as well slide a round into a revolver, give the old cylinder a spin and stick it to your forehead.
By the way, Crabbie will not be watching Ryan and Dick on ABC. Crabbie will not be watching any of the New Year's coverage, nor will he be attending any celebrations of any kind. Crabbie has sort of a tradition on New Year's, which involves large volumes of alcohol and whatever pills he can get his hands on. So Crabbie won't be precisely conscious when the stroke of midnight hits. And with any luck he won't be conscious at all again until maybe Thursday. So, if you're the one who finds me passed out on your stoop this year - well, just throw a blanket over me, okay? And try not to let your dog piss in my hair.
