Sesame Street Desecrates Mad Men

I know it's important to teach children, but do we really have to desecrate the best show on television to do it?

It isn't even a good parody. First of all, that puppet Don Draper looks nothing like Don Draper. Second of all, nobody's drinking vodka at 11 o'clock in the morning. Third, no one is running over some Limey dickhead's foot with a lawn mower.

No one is getting fucked on a sofa. No one is lighting up a heater. No one is ignoring the fact that Salvatore is clearly gay. No huge-breasted chick is sauntering around the office leaving a trail of tears and hard-ons. No one is sneaking up to Cooper's office to look at his Rothko.

Stupid.

People Who Weird Me The Fuck Out: Ed Westwick

There is something really really not right about Ed Westwick. Dude gives off such a psycho vibe. And no, it is not acting, it is just him.

Would not shock me at all to discover this guy used to ride the rails murdering hobos in a previous life. Or that he moonlights as a sex slave. Or that his cock is split in half and he needs to wear a little ring to keep it together when he pees.

Yo guys, your cock may be shaped vaguely like a sausage, but it is not a sausage. So don't be slicing it up, okay? That shit is wrong.

Don't You Fucking Look At Him...While He's Dying

The summer of celebrity deaths may soon become the autumn of celebrity deaths. The first victim? Dennis Hopper.

Entertainment Tonight says the Blue Velvet and Easy Rider star, who is now 73, was rushed to the hospital in New York today with "flu-like symptoms." Reports say Hopper arrived with an oxygen mask. That was only feeding him oxygen. Not the stuff he was inhaling in Blue Velvet. Which everyone knows was not oxygen.

Candy-colored clown they call the sandman!

A friend of Hopper's said of him, "The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll... uh... well, you'll say 'hello' to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, 'Do you know that "if" is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you'... I mean I'm no, I can't... I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's... he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas..."

Oh by the way he's not dead yet.

Worthless Bitch Rescued From Nutcase

A judge has granted Audrina Partridge a restraining order against a maniac who has been stalking her.

The judge called the evidence against alleged stalker Zachory Loring "quite disturbing" and then remarked, "It's unfortunate that people who pursue careers in the public have to deal with these people."

On the other hand, nobody told Audrina she had to pursue a career in the public. She could've gone to beauty school or taken a course to become an ice road trucker.

On the other other hand, Audrina is so stupid and untalented, getting fake boobs and having her picture taken was probably the only realistic course open to her. So, yes, it's unfortunate.

Maybe They Should Call It "Kate Plus 2"

Celebrity blogger 101: Whenever you see a picture like this you're supposed to write something like "Kate Gosselin is all smiles as she blah blah blah." Of course she's smiling - the fucker's gone, and now she's the only star. I'm guessing the new season's theme will be, "Kate looks for a new man." And this picture gives us some indication of how she will be approaching this quest.

It Was Over Before I Cared That It Had Begun

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have elected to change the course of their relationship. From now on, if they fuck, it will be as two people who are not officially seeing each other. In other words, it will be a healthy relationship.

Us Weekly says Timberlake "ended" the relationship a month ago with a phone call, and that Jessica is "in severe denial" about the split. Well, here's what you do Jess. You lift some weights, get really buff, then find a guy who looks just like him and beat the living shit out of him.

Or, you could get another one of those absurd pitbulls you like so much, again find a guy who looks just like Justin, and have the dog rip his balls off.

Or you could, you know, just find another effeminate no-talent to fuck.

Too Cool For Those Fools

Note Ellen Page's unwillingness to indulge in the girlie, smiling merriment of her Whip It! co-stars. They're all acting like it's ladies night out and they've had a few fruity drinks and they're ready to watch some gay guys rip their clothes off. Not Ellen. Cause she's cooler than them. She's the fugly lesbian K-Stew.

Her Favorite

Not sure why, but I always get the impression that Maddox is Angie's favorite. Of course we know she hates the blob. She probably hates the twins because they are also blobs, though she has been careful not to call them that. Zahara is basically Brad's. And Pax...he's just along for the ride.

When Angie dies, Maddox will get everything. The black wardrobe. The whips and handcuffs. The knives. All of it. And James Haven will be devastated.

Conan Conks His Cranium

Conan O'Brien has returned from the busted cranium incident that sent him to the hospital. Of course he exploited his own agony by showing the video. Turns out the "stunt" that nearly split his skull was a race against Teri Hatcher. I'm sure that, from now on, every time Conan races Teri Hatcher he will wear a helmet. That's something we should all remember, in case we ever end up in a similar situation. Or we could just spare our domes and shoot the bitch.

No Thanks, I Can Be Bored To Tears At Home

Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz are currently shooting a new "action-comedy" called Wichita. Cause nothing says funny and exciting like "Wichita."

There I go slamming Wichita. And I've never even been there.

I'm sure that fine American city will be thrilled to have a Tom and Cam movie named after it. Are there any movie theaters left in Wichita that haven't been turned into meth labs?

How Many Brainstorming Sessions Did That One Take?

With Jon Gosselin out of the picture, the people at TLC knew their popular reality series Jon and Kate Plus Eight would need re-christening.

So, the suits there all got together and thought really hard and came up with a snappy new title for the show:

Kate Plus Eight.

That's why they work for big-time basic cable, while you flip burgers and sell meth on the side.

Hey Look It's Dita Von Teese. And She's Wearing Clothes. And Standing There.

Most stars are constantly changing their looks, trying to keep up with trends, but not Dita Von Teese. She is living proof that you can do the same thing over and over and still remain relevant. As long as you adjust your definition of relevance to include near-irrelevance.

Genius

Some genius thought it would be a great idea to create a Facebook poll that asked "Should Obama be Killed?" No chance of the Secret Service investigating that. Actually, they already are. And the poll has been yanked. And if the nitwits responsible have any sense, they are on a bus to Mexico.

To be honest, I'm uncomfortable even blogging about this subject. I'm afraid some investigator is going to Google the kill Obama poll and find my site and decide I am somehow spreading the evil anti-Obama sentiments fomented by the poll creators. Let me assure any Secret Service agents reading this site that I absolutely do not endorse the idea of killing Obama, nor do I think it was in any way cool for those people to make that poll. I hope you find those people and throw them in jail. I am a good American. Obama. Obama. Obama. I even voted for him.

God, can I have that vote back?

Kidding.

Still Offending Indians

Juliette Lewis has taken the whole glam rock Indian look as far as it can go I think. She needs to go in a different direction now. Punk rock Polynesian, maybe, or New Wave Navajo. Or maybe she could just, you know, dress like a normal human being. Naw, that's no fun.

So Magical

Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom over the weekend. I know because the news is on every single stinking website. I went to check the weather on The Weather Channel site, and instead of a radar map, there was a congratulations message to Khloe and Lamar.

Of course we know why this is getting so much coverage: celebrity weddings are the bread and butter of tabloids, and the web just follows whatever the tabs are covering. It doesn't even matter that the celebrities involved are strictly D-list. If you're even a tiny bit famous and you get hitched, you will have people camping out in the foliage near the church, your face will be staring back at me when I go to pay for my Apple Jacks, you will be the lead story on Entertainment Tonight.

Chasing K-Fat

Jon Gosselin is hard on Kevin Federline's heels in the race to win Fattest Douchebag Celebrity Dad. Jon's going to have to punch a couple extra holes in his watch band soon.

At least Jon has yet to release a horrible rap album. That is NOT some kind of veiled suggestion, okay dude?

Lindsay Lohan Takes Another Step Toward Becoming An Asian Prostitute

What do washed-up actresses do when no one will hire them for legitimate work or even porn work? They go to Singapore and host events.

If you want to call F1 Rocks Singapore an "event." The fact that Lindsay Lohan was actually hired to emcee it does sort of downgrade it.

I wonder if Lindsay will stay on in Singapore now that she's gotten a taste of the local drugs.

A Sad State Of Affairs

Even stars are victims of rudeness. Witness this video of Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig being interrupted in the middle of their play A Steady Rain by some jag-off's cell phone.

Hugh and Daniel behave in civilized fashion, but are clearly annoyed. The crowd sits there snickering because...that's what you do now when faced with what normal people would consider socially unacceptable behavior.

In the past people might've shouted the asshole down, and someone might even have taken a swipe at them. But we've become such timid creatures. We just sit there and wait for someone in authority to come deal with the asshole. That's how fascism takes hold.

Oh For Pity's Sake, Let It Go

Roman Polanski is never going to be rid of legal hassles stemming from that ages-old rape case. On Sunday, Swiss authorities announced that they arrested Polanski as he tried to enter the country. It is now being determined whether the filmmaker should be extradited to the U.S. to face the charges he fled years ago.

Anyone who saw the movie Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired knows the judge in the original case acted like an asshole, and knows that the victim was probably not as innocent as the prosecution tried to make her seem. It also needs to be pointed out that the victim herself, Samantha Geimer, has filed court papers asking that the case be thrown out so she can finally get on with her life.

The only ones who seem to care about "bringing Polanski to justice" are those who believe he made a monkey of the American judicial system by fleeing. In other words, it's the same people who wanted to nail Polanski to the wall all along because he was a "dirty foreigner" who defiled a nice pure virginal American girl.

A pure virginal American girl who willingly went with a much older man to a "photoshoot" at an actor's house.

There's a reason people think America is filled with knuckle-dragging rednecks.

Nice Posture

Barry and Michelle get their picture taken with the Spanish prime minister, his dyke wife and their two daughters. Contrary to what you might think, the one on the far right is not the chick from Concrete Blonde.

The prime minister of Spain looks like he should be on a watch list. The daughters both look like they are in their 30s and should be well out of their Twilight phase. If I were the prime minister of Spain, I wouldn't turn my back on either of those two. Or my dyke wife.

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This Could Finish Her

The CW has canceled Mischa Barton's show The Beautiful Life after two episodes. Evidently, no one wanted to watch a show about New York models executive produced by Ashton Kutcher. It might've done better without Mischa who is a worse jinx than Lindsay Lohan.

I'm sure Mischa will land on her feet after this. She's the resilient sort. Not at all the type to go into a huge tailspin and wind up selling embryos for crack.

Want A Dumb Kid? Spank Them.

A new study has discovered a direct correlation between spanking and IQ. The more you spank your kid, the study says, the dumber they will end up being.

Scientists arrived at this conclusion by studying kids in two age groups, testing their IQs then revisiting them several years later. Those who had been spanked by their parents had lower IQs on the back end by an average of 5 points.

The scientists claim their study took into account social background and other factors that might have skewed the statistics

See assholes? You can't beat sense into your kids. You can beat the sense out of them though. Try to keep that in mind the next time you get drunk and kick the shit out of little Maggie for not doing the dishes.

This One Will Rile The Hippies

The G20 protests have been getting frisky. Tear gas. Acoustic crowd control gadgets. Kids taking the morning off from their jobs at Abercrombie & Fitch to throw on skimasks and scream about the injustices of capitalism or whatever. Oh, and protesters getting hauled into cars by dudes in military fatigues. Outrageous violation of civil rights or phony MoveOn.org stunt?

Studmuffins

"So Brad, do I have any shot at Angelina at all?"

"You'll have to get me out of the way first, sir."

"That can be arranged you know."

"Yeah? Can you also arrange to stop blowing your booze-breath in my face?"

"I like you Brad. I'm willing to do a swap. Give me ten minutes with Angie and you can have Hillary for a night."

"What the hell am I supposed to do with her?"

"Just do what I do. Make her lie on her stomach, get in there, do your business, tell her she's holding up pretty well, then watch 30 Rock on the DVR till you nod off."

"That sounds great. But you do realize that 5 minutes with Angie would pretty much kill your old french fry-eating ass."

"That's what I'm hoping son. Death by skank. Can you think of a better way to go?"

"Besides snapping my dick off in George Clooney's asshole and bleeding to death?"

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that."

Let's Just Move On

An old, long-suppressed Michael Jackson interview has hit the tabloids, an interview in which the King of Pop praises Hitler for his oratory and claims Hitler's evil could've been treated with therapy.

This explains why the interview has long been suppressed.

Did I mention that Michael made the remarks to a rabbi? Here is exactly what Michael said.

Q: "You believe that if you had an hour with Hitler you could somehow touch something inside of him?"

Jackson: "Absolutely. I know I could ... You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong."

The easy thing here would be to make a lot of bad jokes at Michael's expense, but I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to be respectful of his memory and compassionate toward the person he was.

And if I could go back in time and speak to Michael for an hour? I would try to help him. I would try to teach him that somewhere, something in his life went wrong.

By the way, people who praise Hitler's speeches are usually people who don't speak German. Just sayin'.

Don't Tell Angie

Superfetation is when a woman gets pregnant and then somehow conceives a second time before crapping out the first one. This shit is never supposed to happen - thank God or women would be even crankier than they are - but somehow it did, to a redneck named Julia Grovenberg.

If something insane and physically impossible is going to happen, it's probably going to happen to a redneck. Who needs genetics labs when you have Arkansas?

It struck me, after I read this story, that Angelina would be all over this if there were some way to induce it. She would basically just stay pregnant all the time, pumping out one after another. It's cheaper than her robot army idea plus babies are much cuddlier.

Join The Twitter Wackiness

Twitter is what all the cool kids are doing. And I know you wanna be a cool kid. So you better get your ass on Twitter and follow me at http://twitter.com/crabbiekins. Now, fucker.

Here's a selection of my recent tweets, just to give you an idea of the hilarity you are missing:

"Small annoyances: I have to flush my toilet twice every time. It never works right the first time. Ever."

"I have now sneezed twice in the last 24 hours. Do I need to panic and get checked for swine flu?"

"What would happen, I wonder, if all the uncivilized assholes of the world suddenly acquired self-awareness?"

"Is this show Community any good? Trudy Campbell is on it I see. Not sure if I'm ready to accept Mad Men actors as other characters."

And if that doesn't float your boat, you can always follow Jon Gosselin.

Randy Quaid As Cousin Eddie: Not Acting

Turns out Randy Quaid wasn't acting when he played Chevy Chase's deadbeat Cousin Eddie in those hilarious National Lampoon's Something Vacation movies - he actually is a deadbeat.

A deadbeat who is currently wanted by the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department for a string of hotel bill stiffings perpetrated in concert with his wife Evi.

Randy Quaid needs to skip out on hotel bills? The residual checks from Frank McKlusky, C.I. aren't as massive as I thought they were, evidently.

P.S., Chevy Chase sucks.

Jolie-Pitt Brood Dental Update

Global warming. Recession. Swine flu. Teabaggers killing census workers. Who cares about all that shit. Pax and Shiloh both lost a tooth! Aw, aren't they adorable?

Score One For The Nutters

The Teabaggers have chalked up a kill, a census worker, hung by some maniac Glenn Beck fan in Kentucky, whose body was found with the word "fed" scrawled across his chest.

There are some who doubt the killing was politically motivated. I guess "fed" was a reference to K-Fed. Those Kentucky backwoods maniacs have never forgiven him for what he did to Britney.

I just hope the murdered census worker wasn't related to Burt Reynolds, otherwise his killers are going to be in big trouble.

Where's The Dedication?

Renee Zellweger has elected to wear a fat suit when she plays chubby Bridget Jones in the newest installment of her popular movie franchise, rather than put herself through the hell of gaining weight.

"Renee will be wearing a fat suit in the third film as it took her a while to lose the weight last time," a rep explained. "She's also thinking about the effect quickly putting on and then losing 30 pounds has on her body."

She's also worried that, if she eats a lot, she might actually enjoy herself, which would ruin that sour, pissed-off face she always goes around with. Why in God's name anyone would want to see another Bridget Jones movie anyway is beyond me.

Cop-Out

John Travolta has gone against his Scientology beliefs and admitted that autism exists and his late son Jett had it.

The shocking 180 happened today while John was in a Bahamas court testifying against the people accused of trying to extort money from him in return for remaining silent about the circumstances surrounding Jett's death.

John had previously maintained that autism is a myth and his son actually suffered from Kawasaki Syndrome brought on by exposure to carpet cleaner.

The Scientology goons are not going to be happy about this. The sternly-worded letter is probably already on its way. I hope John isn't forced to go underground like other people who've turned their backs on the cult and been declared SPs.

Kelly Dances, Sharon Weeps

You can't blame Sharon Osbourne for getting emotional while watching daughter Kelly perform on Dancing With the Stars. She always assumed Kelly would've been dead of a drug overdose by now, so seeing her do anything, besides lie there on a slab all blue and covered in trackmarks, is cause for blubbering happiness.

They Never Know When To Stop

Postal worker Myles Weathers has pleaded guilty to stealing over 3000 Netflix DVDs while working at a mail processing center in Springfield, Massachusetts.

Myles was caught last year when people at Netflix became suspicious over the number of DVDs disappearing in the Springfield area. Review of surveillance tape turned up footage of Mr. Weathers removing DVDs from their envelopes and slipping them in his backpack.

The saddest thing about this story? He ended up with 3000 copies of Message in a Bottle. All of them so scratched they didn't even work anymore.

Can We Move On To Something Else Now?

Dear media: I know this may come as a shock to you, but the Kardashians are not the only people in the world who are fucking. And having babies and getting married. And by the way no one cares what the Kardashians do. Just a heads-up.

It's Fine Till The Two-Headed Babies Start Coming

Mackenzie Phillips thinks we care enough about her messed-up life to have written a tell-all. Maybe someone does. Whoever this person is who actually wants to know how Mackenzie became such a mess will definitely be getting their money's worth, as the book includes details about Mackenzie's incestuous relationship with her late father John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas.

Mackenzie characterizes the incest as "long-term." In other words it was more than just a single drug-fueled moment of craziness. Mackenzie actually doesn't know how long it went on. The first time she was conscious of it, she says, was after John burst in on her the night before she was to wed some dude named Jeff Sessler.

"My father was not a man with boundaries," Mackenzie writes. "He was full of love, and he was sick with drugs. I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father.

"Had this happened before? I didn't know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it."

The incest went on for many years. Lovesick John at one point proposed he and Mackenzie move to Fiji or someplace where fathers and daughters fucked all the time and everyone was cool with it.

Amazingly, Mackenzie did not end up poisoning her father's porridge or braining him with a jade Buddha statue. So she must've liked it. Maybe the guy was just great in the sack? Who am I to judge?

Another Girlie Dog

Mickey Rourke has gotten over the death of his beloved Loki and moved on to a different girlie dog. Mickey likes that unconditional, non-judgmental love. Can't say I blame him. Humans are such assholes with their demands and expectations. "Why can't you just accept me the way I am? I don't like pissing in the toilet." Dog doesn't care where you piss.

Fake PSAs Are All The Rage

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

So this video's funny then? I'm sorry, but once I saw Jon Hamm, I just started jerking it and forgot to pay attention to the rest. Oh, health care. Okay, yeah, that stuff.

Been Awhile

Haven't seen any pictures lately of Amy Winehouse acting nuts. Okay, I admit, I haven't really been looking. I just happened to stumble on this one and figured I'd post it just to remind everyone that Amy is indeed still alive and still pretty much off her nut. But not on drugs anymore and not fucking Blake Fielder-Civil. Wink.

She's Finally Given Up

Someone finally convinced Jessica Simpson that there was no point holding out hope for her dog Daisy who was taken by a coyote. No Jessica, the coyote did not want to just be friends. It ate Daisy. You understand? Like when you go to the restaurant and eat ribs. Daisy got all chewed up like that except for the bones. And then the coyote went off and shat Daisy in the bushes. Just like when you poop in the bed cause you think it's sexy. Except your poop isn't full of dog. Probably.