Pop-skank Avril Lavigne has bestowed upon us her own personal 10 Commandments, via Britain's Q magazine. I present them to you now in all their outrageously self-important, ignorant and twatty glory:
1. Deal With It. Selling 24 million albums hasn't really affected me, but it has changed things. I can't walk into a room full of people anymore without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won't get hassled. But that's OK. I was born to do this, so I've learned how to cope.
(Selling 24 million albums hasn't affected me - I was always a completely self-absorbed bitch.)
2. Develop An Image. Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I'm tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It's good if you're not easily ignored. And I'm not.
(No Avril - you're not easily ignored. Just as a giant bug that's crawled up one's asshole and built a nest is not easily ignored.)
3. Don't Get Mad Get Even. I was 17 when my first album came out, and all of a sudden I had to spend my days doing interviews. Listen, when you are 17 you don't know how to hold a conversation with an adult, and you pretty much don't want to. But I learned to channel that annoyance into my music.
(You channeled annoyance into your music? That must be why it's so fucking annoying.)
4. Party Hard, But Not Too Hard. When I go to a party, I am the party! I'm the girl doing shots, jumping on tables, screaming and getting wasted. Am I advocating drugs? No! When I say wasted, that doesn't mean I go crazy. Drink in moderation. Be responsible, yeah?
(Is there anything more pathetic than a "bad girl" who feels the need to brag about her exploits, then still tries to get away with the positive role model shit by prevailing upon people to drink in moderation? What a fucking idiot this woman is.)
5. Practice Good Karma. I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, "Take it to Katrina!" I also like to give stuff to people who are my "workers," especially if they don't make much money.
(Um, Avril hon - you know what you could give your "workers" who don't make much money? Money. I'll bet they'd like having that more than one of your leftover candy necklaces. And I'm sure we all feel warm in our hearts over the fact that you gave all those boxes of clothes to Katrina. She really needed them after the hurricane thing.)
6. Be Grateful. It's important to be thankful, even if you're poor. I mean, come on, we all have clean water - well OK, not people in the developing world. It's important to remember where we came from, and just how lucky we are to be here.
(Did she just say even the poor should be thankful? For what? The six boxes of clothes Avril sent them after their houses were wiped out? This bitch can't get painful ass cancer and die fast enough.)
7. Advocate Spirituality. I'm not particularly religious, but I am spiritual. What kind? Feng shui, mostly, and energy. I'm good at picking up people's energy, like I'm receptive or something.
(Oh, you're receptive. So that means you conduct electricity well? You wouldn't mind if I hooked you up to this car battery and gave you a zap then, would you?)
8. Find Mr. Right. I got married last year, simply because I was lucky enough to find the right guy. Did I tame him? Hey, we were both party animals once, so we've tamed each other.
(A minute ago you said you were the girl dancing on the tables and getting wasted, but now you say you're not a party animal anymore? Who are you, Sybil? I'm sorry - that was an insult to Sybil. Her psychological problems were not nearly as horrible as the ones this fool Lavigne suffers.)
9. Extend Yourself. I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I've been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything.
(I've got a script for you Avril. It's for a snuff film. You're the lead.)
10. Love Yourself. People love me and people hate me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and that's what counts. And anyway, if you do hate me, you're the loser, not me.
(Right Avril. You're not a loser. The people who hate you are. Keep telling yourself that. Jesus Christ on a crutch, I have never wanted to strangle someone worse than I now want to strangle this bitch. Perez is right - this whore is the most insufferable individual on the face of the earth.)
(source)
