FOX News - Historically Inept

According to FOX News, Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass engaged in a series of famous debates. Unfortunately, it was Stephen Douglas, not Frederick.



FOX News can't help themselves...they lie about everything. Even fundamental historical facts.

Or maybe they're just stupid as fuck.

Rumer Willis is One of People's 100 Most Beautiful

No joke...Rumer Willis has been named one of People's 100 Most Beautiful People in the World.

Oh sure, name that fugboat Rumer Willis one of the 100 most beautiful people...but screw Tree Man, No Nose Kidnapper and Brooke Hogan? Fuck you People.

10 Things You Didn't Know About the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair Picture

1. Photoshoot attended by Miley's parents, Disney brass, Joe Simpson, Hulk Hogan and various funny-smelling, unshaven men in crusty flannel shirts with shaky hands who just started showing up (most of them were Mormons).
2. Wig woven out of the body hair of people who've died of heart attacks on Disneyland rides.
3. Make-up covers lobotomy scar.
4. Glass eye (real eye lost in unfortunate teen-girl-silliness-related accident).
5. Photoshop hides full-back dragon tattoo.
6. Annie Leibovitz originally requested the Shroud of Turin but had to settle for a semen-stained sheet borrowed from Zac Efron.
7. Nose on loan from Ashley Tisdale's collection of former body parts.
8. So close, pedo freaks.
9. All that stands between Miley and Vanessa Hudgensdom.
10. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this picture. You go Miley!

Rosie O'Donnell Sticks Up for Miley Cyrus

Jesus Rosie...no more video blogging at three in the morning, okay?

I may have to change my position on the Miley Cyrus thing, now that I know Her Heinousness Rosie basically agrees with me.

Erica Jong on the Miley Cyrus Flap

Noted author Erica Jong has weighed in on the Miley Cyrus controversy:

As a natural nudist, who comes from a family of natural nudists, the Miley Cyrus flap astounds me. Nothing is flapping on Miley. She's draped in a sheet. Besides, when is a nude body a lewd body? Anyway, the kid's not even half naked. What is this nonsense?

Well, it's an occasion for another apology. We need an apolo-blog section on HuffPuff. Then there will be one central clearing house for apologies. We can all apologize for things we didn't do, things we didn't say and things we never even thought.

I will issue a general apology and hope to have it all covered for the rest of my life. I will apologize for the Democratic Party, for the IRS, for Bill Clinton's sex addiction and Barack Obama's pastor. I will apologize for the idiocy of network TV, for Eliot Spitzer's penchant for prostitutes and for Chris Matthews' tirades. I will apologize for chemical warfare in World War I and for the Nazis' anti-Semitism in the 1940s and all the children it wiped off the face of the earth. I can certainly apologize for things that happened before I was born, can't I?

While I'm at it, I will apologize for all my books, for the time I posed for People mag zipping up my jeans, for my various divorces -- and those of all my friends. As long as you apologize, you can do anything in our nation. You can test hormones on women, intern the Japanese Americans, exterminate the indigenous peoples, then give their few remaining descendants gambling casinos. You can lynch Black people, keep Jews out of certain clubs and neighborhoods and jobs and starve the working poor. You can put arsenic in kids' drinking water. Just remember to apologize.

You get the idea. If Miley had any spunk, she certainly would take her clothes off and stay naked 'till we got out of Iraq. That would be better for her fans that all these hypocritical apologies. Stop feeling embarrassed for your non-nakedness kiddo. Start feeling embarrassed for your country!

I apologize for all the carpets I've ruined. I don't need to bring up any specific incidents...the people involved know what I'm talking about.

Oh God...

Oprah Winfrey went up to Telluride to interview Tom Cruise. She looks really comfortable in that picture, doesn't she? You think they photoshopped it enough?

Oprah's big two-part interview with Tom reportedly includes questions about Scientology, the infamous Matt Lauer confrontation and the couch incident. Katie and Suri were also reportedly present...so we may get to see some video of Suri finally. Won't that be awesome?

Jim Carrey's Homo Get-Up

This is Jim Carrey shooting his new movie I Love You Phillip Morris. Obviously he's playing a homo. Really Crabbie? That's a homo get-up?

Nice belt-buckle. I used to have the same thing on my bathroom sink until they threw me out of the mansion I was squatting in.

Oh, fuck Jim Carrey. He hasn't been funny since...birth?

Tom Cruise Now Wants to Run a Marathon

Tom Cruise apparently can't stand the fact that wife Katie Holmes is in shape to run a marathon and he isn't...so, now Tom is reportedly in training, and will take a stab at running the Boston Marathon himself.

"When he saw her running that race," a source said, "something kicked inside him and he decided he’d have to do it — possibly in Boston. That’s the kind of guy he is."

Tom has reportedly vowed to "crush" Katie's time of 5 hours and 29 minutes.

I'm telling you...Tom won't be able to live with himself until he proves to Katie that he can run the marathon too, and of course beat her time. She probably doesn't even care, but he's all like, "I can run a marathon you know. I can totally run a marathon. I can run two marathons in the same day. I bet you can't run two marathons in the same day. That's what being a Scientologist is all about...running two marathons in one day."

This guy's like your little brother who has to do everything you do until you just want to kick him in the face over and over. But trust me...don't kick him in the face. That's how you wind up getting hauled in for an evaluation.

Britney Spears Strolls Around Gym Dressed Only in a Towel

Britney Spears walked around the gym with nothing on but a towel...and Annie Leibovitz wasn't even there to shoot it!

You can tell by the top pic that Britney is really impressed with how daring she's being.

Man...isn't she supposed to be getting in shape? Look at those fat calves. Maybe that's all muscle she's putting on. Britney does not have it back together.

Sean Penn and Sienna Miller?

Memo to Sean Penn: Stop going to music festivals dressed as a middle-aged dickweed who is trying to look young. Oh God those jeans and that belt. You look like my seventy-year-old uncle who does nothing but play cribbage and watch Lawrence Welk. Of course Sienna Miller is still totally hot for Sean because he's an artist who cares so much about the state of the world and stuff. By the way, Rhys Ifans was not with Sienna at the Coachella Festival where this pic was taken. Jared Leto was there though...



Which couple would make me vomit more - Sienna and Penn or Sienna and Leto.

Sienna and Leto. Not even close.

David Hasselhoff Gets Crazy at the Coachella Music Festival

David Hasselhoff + Young Women + Booze = Lots of fun followed by loads of vomiting and passing out, a profusely-bleeding eye-wound and a trip to rehab.

Oh, and there's a cheeseburger in there someplace and his daughter is videotaping the whole thing.

Hulk Hogan Rubs Down Brooke's Ass

Forget about Miley Cyrus...here's something that oughta make you sick: Hulk Hogan rubbing down his own daughter Brooke's ass. You know he's got massive wood going there too. Jesus Christ! Why not just jump on top of her right there Hulk? Get started on your own race of inbred mutant steroid freaks. You can all move out to Utah and start a "camp."

Gwyneth Paltrow on Letterman

She's a Maniac, Maniac...

Style goddess Mischa Barton has decided that the '80s are cool. I'm so glad about this, because now I can take all my big-shouldered David Byrne outfits out of mothballs and wear them again.

Robert De Niro Poses With Cow

Robert De Niro was at the Tribeca Film Festival minding his own business when this fat stupid cow came up and started rubbing against him. The polite Mr. De Niro suffered the cow's presence as best he could.

Dawn Wells Attempts to Explain Her Marijuana Bust on The View

Joy Behar...everyone knows what a roach is. Yes, even us unsophisticated country hicks.

Dawn Wells...you were so toking up in your car. That's okay, just run with it. It's called street cred. You should come out with a rap album now. Jay-Z would totally mentor you if you asked.

Other chicks on The View...please die.

The Miley Cyrus Picture Controversy...Time to Towel Off, People

Patterns of controversy are so wonderfully predictable aren't they?

The new unpleasantness over the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair picture is a perfect example. It goes like this:

Someone does something vaguely objectionable to certain people - Media outlets anticipate ratings/sales/website hits that could come from fomenting controversy over said semi-bothersome act - Pot is stirred - People with political gripes latch onto budding kerfuffle for their own evil purposes - Media pretend they didn't start the whole thing on purpose, disguise perpetuation of controversy as "analysis" - Individual at center of shitstorm is forced to apologize even though they didn't really do anything wrong - Bill O'Reilly hides hard-on behind self-righteous rant - Blogs mock individual at center of shitstorm, media, Bill O'Reilly, everyone else remotely involved in scenario - Lots of people make lots of money.

This one is particularly silly because, frankly, there's nothing wrong with that picture of Miley Cyrus. It's only "sexual" if you're the kind of sick fuck who goes around viewing any display of skin as inherently "sexual."

And the idea that pedos need to be kept at bay by having Miley put a shirt on is silly...cause real pedos are going to be aroused even if Miley does have a shirt on.

Stuff like this is why the French laugh at us.

And yes, I realize Vanity Fair only ran that photo because they knew it would be controversial and help their sales. They've exploited Miley too. Everyone has exploited Miley, including me for posting this.

Still, at the root of the whole thing is an incredibly absurd, backward, childish sensibility. If people didn't get all outraged over completely innocent things like a picture of a teenager wrapped in a sheet - and furthermore, if certain media outlets didn't take advantage of said outrage by anticipating/stoking it - then there'd be no situation for Vanity Fair or me or anyone else to exploit.

It's stupid that Miley felt she had to apologize. And it's stupid that I felt I had to write this. And America is full of big, dumb, stupid lumbering dipshits who see lasciviousness and sexuality in places where there isn't any.

These people are all John Ashcrofts hiding statues behind curtains because of the naughty naughty boobies. Grow the fuck up.

Rumer Willis is No Leech (Though She Vaguely Resembles One)

Noted celebupawn Rumer Willis says she has no desire to live off her famous parents, and is determined to make it in show biz on her own.

"I think when people meet me they’re shocked, because the idea of celebrity children is that they’re trust-fund babies that don’t have any desire to work and they’re just going to ride their parents’ train," Rumer said.

“And in some cases that stereotype has proved right. I would hope that after people meet me, they would give me the benefit of the doubt. They’re kind of like, ‘Wow, you’re really much more chill and down-to-earth than I thought you would be’.”

People are shocked when they meet Rumer...the same way people were always shocked when they first met the Elephant Man.

They stare and stare, trying to convince themselves that what they're seeing isn't real.

But it's not a dream folks...she really is that butt-ugly.

Amy Winehouse Has Her Adnan Ghalib

Amy Winehouse's new boyfriend Alex Haines is apparently not the clean-cut dorky fellow he appears to be from the pictures.

In fact, friends of Haines have outed him as a party-animal whose sole ambition in life is to become rich and famous.

"I'm shocked he's ended up with Amy but more surprised by talk of him being a good influence," a source told The Mirror.

"He's into clubbing and everything that goes with it. He knows how to have a good time, put it that way.

"The other thing that motivates him is money. He always said he would do anything to get rich and he would love to be famous too."

And how does one go about becoming rich and famous if one has no looks or talent or anything else? Latch yourself onto some pitiful emotionally crippled pop star, of course.

Haines must've studied the Adnan Ghalib technique. You know, put yourself in a position to look like you're actually helping the drug-addled celeb you've targeted when you are really just a parasite.

The problem for Haines is Blake, and especially Blake's buddies. When Blake finds out about Haines, Blake will sic said buddies on him and they will break his kneecaps or rip his tongue out with a pliers or something else nasty.

If I were Alex I would forget about Winehouse and target someone less dangerous, like Lily Allen or one of the Geldof daughters. With them, the worst you have to worry about is a disease. Mess with Wino and you could wind up floating in a river, being munched by fish.

Amy Winehouse Released

The cops let Amy Winehouse cool her heels in the slammer for a few hours then let her go. Amy reportedly admitted to headbutting that Muslim guy, apologized and accepted a warning.

I'm sure this will all convince Amy to live her life on the straight-and-narrow from now on. No more drinking and drugging and forgetting her keys, and attacking people randomly in the street, and projectile vomiting and emotional outbursts and other general craziness.

Sure. And maybe now Keira Knightley will stop being an insufferable twat. I can dream.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are a couple. They were observed having a late lunch together in Miami, then dinner. People saw them holding hands as they returned to their hotel at 1 am.

Unfortunately for darling Jen, I don't think this will end happily. Mayer is not in it for long-term deals...he just wants to fuck as many famous women as possible before he dies. Maybe that's all Jen's in it for either, a few yuks. She may have resigned herself to the reality that men are dogs and she will never find one that truly loves her. They will all dump her in the end because they can't stand her clinging.

Mariah Carey's Snafu-Ridden Good Morning America Appearance

The words "disastrous Mariah Carey TV appearance" make one think of broken legs or sparks from malfunctioning lights setting hair on fire, but unfortunately, neither of those things happened to Mariah this morning on Good Morning America. Things just went a little wrong during one of her songs - her backing track started too early and then one of her back-up singers started doing her part and Mariah scolded them mid-song. Then Mariah sort of got upset before another song when she didn't know when she was supposed to start. All-in-all it was not nearly as painful as I hoped when I started seeing mention of it in my Firefox live bookmarks.

Amy Winehouse Will Sit in Jail

Amy Winehouse reported to the police today to answer questions about her alleged assault on a man outside a pool hall a few days ago. The police have decided to detain her at least until midnight.

Amy Winehouse, Blake Fielder-Civil and Pete Doherty all locked up? Not a great time to be a drug dealer in London.

Pregnant Angelina Fends Off Pap

Angelina clad her pregnant self in yellow yesterday. She ran into a bunch of paps while out on her world-saving business and was apparently not happy to see them. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want one of her gross, bony hands coming at me. Scary shit, man.

Update: Amy Winehouse Will Be Hauled in By Scotland Yard

Scotland Yard will reportedly bring Amy Winehouse in for questioning sometime Friday afternoon London-time over an incident the other morning when she allegedly headbutted a man outside a bar.

The man, Mustapha el Mounmi, was apparently trying to help an inebriated Amy get a cab. Amy mistook Mr. Mounmi's helpfulness for inappropriate amorous attention and physically assaulted him.

"I feel so angry," Mounmi said. "She smashed my face hard. I could not hit back — she’s a woman."

Well...kind of.

Update: Amy has had her meeting. It's safe to say she wasn't happy about it.


Another attractive Wino pic to add to the collection.

Update: Scientology on Nightline

Update: Replaced the cruddy Red Lasso vids with a couple of hopefully more reliable YouTube vids.

Wesley Snipes Going to Jail for Three Years

Actor Wesley Snipes has been given three years in the pokey for not paying his taxes.

The government convicted Snipes on three misdemeanor counts of tax evasion back in March. The Blade star stiffed Uncle Sam to the tune of $2.7 million...though he and his lawyers claimed he only owed $228,000.

Snipes Hollywood buddies, including Denzel Washington and Woody Harrelson, submitted letters asking the judge for leniency. Snipes ended up being given the maximum sentence on the three convictions...so much for Hollywood clout.

David Hasselhoff is Back on the Street

David Hasselhoff has been released from the hospital. He was hauled in a couple days ago by his assistant after a wound over his eye began bleeding uncontrollably. It's only a matter of time before this guy is discovered face down in vomit or blood or some other really nasty bodily fluid.

Brad Pitt and Sean Penn Are Not Buddies

Brad Pitt and Sean Penn are working together on reclusive auteur Terrence Malick's new film Tree of Life...but there's no budding friendship between the two actors.

Tensions are said to be high between the stars, at least partly because of Penn's friendship with Brad's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston (Jennifer directed a short film starring Sean's wife Robin Wright). And there's also the little matter of Penn's abrasive demeanor.

"They’re far from friends," a source told Life & Style. "Sean is a bossy kind of guy, and that’s just not Brad’s style. He’s mellower. So spending time together has been a big challenge."

Could it also be possible that Brad just resents Penn? I mean, let's face it...Sean Penn may be a dickhead, but he is a brilliant actor. Brad? Adequate at best.

Also, let's not underestimate the Angelina factor here. Any man who lives with that evil bitch is going to wind up in a pretty foul mood. It's possible that Brad is incapable of getting along with anyone at this point.

Crazy Denise

Denise Richards has begun her quest to paddle from California to Hawaii on a surfboard. Unfortunately, Denise has no sense of direction, and has just been going around in a circle about fifteen yards off the beach in Malibu.

In other news...Charlie Sheen once had sex with a shark.

Bill O'Reilly Wants Miley Cyrus Stopped

Talking penis-face Bill O'Reilly is concerned that Miley Cyrus is setting a bad example by allowing herself to be seen cuddling with her older boyfriend on the Internet.



Oh Bill...you're so worried about the nation's youth. Of course, that's the crux of your interest in Miley Cyrus. It has nothing to do with you being a sick pedophile freak who wants to loofah her soft pubescent body in the shower. Stop trying to hide your guilt behind self-righteousness O'Reilly. Everyone sees through you.

And keep your hands off Miley, or Billy Ray will break you in half and feed you to his pitbulls.

Amy Winehouse Could Be Arrested for Assault

That story about Amy Winehouse headbutting a guy outside a pub was apparently not just tabloid crap...it really happened, and police are taking it seriously.

The London cops have confirmed that they are investigating the matter as a possible assault. "A 38-year-old man [contacted] Kentish Town police station and alleged a 24-year-old woman had assaulted him," a spokesperson said. "No arrests have been made as yet but inquiries continue."

The Sun claims that Winehouse actually attacked two men that night, trashed a bar and smoked weed on the sidewalk. Apparently, Amy has decided to take up Pete Doherty's normal workload on top of her own.

Columbo Goes Crazy-Poo

I have no idea what circumstances led to Peter Falk winding up in the street in this state. Clearly, his care provider was asleep at the switch. At least he managed to get his belt buckled, or there could've been even more embarrassment.

Sarah Jessica Parker Kicks Jennifer Aniston's Ass

Jennifer Aniston's movie career is going about as well as her love-life.

The chick who can't land a man is reportedly having her new movie He's Just Not That Into You (perfect title for an Aniston film) pushed back from its original August 1 release date to October 24. And the reason is priceless...it's because the studio is worried the buzz over Sex and the City: The Movie will bury Aniston's little attempted foray into similar cinematic territory.

Basically, Aniston is getting her ass booted to October by Sarah Jessica Parker and the rest of those potty-mouthed cows. And you know what kind of movies get released in October...shit the studio is trying to quietly dump.

Jennifer, take some advice from the Crabster...just quit. No one wants to see your movies. No one wants to see you period. You're about as interesting as day-old bread. And slightly less fuckable.

Brad Pitt's Cool Biker Look

Brad Pitt has officially reached that painful middle-aged clinging-desperately-to-my-youth phase. The leather jacket. The bike. The shiny, shiny bowling ball helmet. Everything about this screams "On the prowl for college girls."

Orlando Brown Goes Missing

Rapper and TV actor Orlando Brown has been missing since Tuesday morning according to a report on People.com.

Brown, who stars on the Disney show That's So Raven, reportedly left his manager's house for a 7/11 early Tuesday and has not been heard from since.

It's possible he ate a burrito there at 7/11 and is still in the bathroom puking. Did anyone check?

Brown was arrested last November for drug possession after police pulled him over in Houston for driving with his lights off and found some pot in the car. Brown claimed the car and pot weren't his. He must've gone to the Paris Hilton School of Idiot Driving...wasn't that how she got nailed, driving around with her lights off?

Anyway, if any of y'all should see Orlando Brown, call somebody and tell them, okay? They're worried.

(P.S. - Check Sean Combs' trunk too. You never know...)

Paris Hilton No Longer Welcome at Russian Hotel

Paris Hilton is no longer allowed to stay at the Hyatt in Moscow after writing on the wall of her $19,000-a-night suite.

Paris was doing a photoshoot in the room when she whipped out a marker and scrawled "Paris Moscow 2008" on the wallpaper. This resulted in the dumb whore being fined $9000 and told never to return.

"Miss Hilton ruined the wallpaper in the luxury suite," said a spokesperson. "In such a case the client automatically goes on the black list."

A $9000 fine and a blacklisting? You'd think the Russians would be harsher than that. Once upon a time, what Paris did would've been enough to get you Gulag.

I'm disappointed.

Penis Thieves Terrorize Congo

Police in Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of Congo have cracked down on sorcerers after a wave of alleged penis snatchings.

The victims, some of whom have also been hauled in by police, claimed the witch-doctors shrank or outright stole their penises merely by touching them. Girlfriends of the alleged victims merely rolled their eyes.

Rumors of the penis-snatchings set off a firestorm on Congo talk radio, a boon to famed Congo right-wing radio icon Rush Limbabwe, who warned his paranoid listeners not to sit on subways next to men wearing gold rings or Barack Obama buttons.

The panic became so frenzied that citizens began seeking out sorcerers and trying to lynch them. "You just have to be accused of that, and people come after you," explained Kinshasa police chief Jean-Dieudonne Oleko. "We've had a number of attempted lynchings. ... You see them covered in marks after being beaten."

The police crackdown came over concerns of a massacre like the one that happened in Ghana 10 years ago, when 12 alleged penis-snatchers were beaten to death.

Amazingly, some in Kinshasa are skeptical as to the legitimacy of the victims' shrunken-penis claims.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," police chief Oleko said. "But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?'"

Dr. Phil has reportedly already boarded a plane.

First Evidence of an Honest-to-Goodness Nicole Kidman Bump

Nicole Kidman gives everyone a look at her bump while making some kind of appearance at the UN. Okay Nicole, you're knocked up. Your womb isn't as desolate as we all thought. Can I go back to my breakfast ice cream now?

Amy Winehouse Headbutts Man Outside Pub

More Amy Winehouse nuttiness...the easily-riled singer reportedly staggered out of a pub at 4 am the other day and got into an altercation with a man in the street. Amy dealt with said ruffian the only way she knows how - by punching and headbutting him.

Amy's pals, seeing the potential for a lawsuit against her, dragged her back inside.

Later, Amy went to a shop to get some cigarettes, and as she was leaving, walked smack into a lamppost.

Convinced now that it just wasn't her morning, Amy decided to return home. She rode a cab, but stiffed the driver for $40, saying the ride "wasn't worth it." She then realized she didn't have the keys to get in her house, and had to break into her own garage.

Amy Winehouse Talks Incoherent Gibberish

I can't make out a word this bitch is trying to say. She needs a visit from Henry Higgins, bad.

Another Reason to Hate Religion...

...It provides too convenient a path for people like walking turd-bucket Foxy Brown, who are seeking forgiveness in the name of their careers.

People like Foxy shouldn't have somewhere they can go and get down on their knees and pretend to be repentant. It's too easy. And the sad thing is that there are people who will applaud her for "trying to get her life in order." It's all a sham. She'll be back in jail in six months. If I were a hairdresser I'd be taking out extra insurance.

Dog Pees On Natalie Portman

This is why I never stop to pet random dogs. You never know when one of them is going to mistake you for a tree stump and try to mark you.

I'm sure Natalie wasn't all that bothered by this anyway. She's used to getting pissed on. It's usually in the face though.

Having Things Removed From Your Face is the New Black

Ewan McGregor has revealed that he recently had suspicious moles removed from his face by a doctor.

"You have to be careful if you're pale-skinned and spend any time in the sun," McGregor explained. "I went to see a specialist who thought they were better to be removed, and indeed he was correct."

Anderson Cooper also had a suspicious spot removed, and famously wore a bandage on his face on the air. And then of course there's David Hasselhoff who had something funny removed from above his eye, and had to go to the hospital when the wound began spurting blood.

I'm totally jealous of these famous men. I now want something removed from my face. I'm going to stick my head under an ultraviolet lamp for hours at a time just so I can develop cancerous moles and have them taken off.

Cindy Crawford's Gorgeous Robot Children

Cindy Crawford's children have been signed to appear in a remake of Village of the Damned. Okay, I made that up...I think.

Britney's Work Out Obsession

They won't let Britney drive around in her car hopped up on Starbucks anymore...so now she relaxes herself by working out at a gym with her sunglasses on. Brit and I have a lot in common actually. We both wear sunglasses indoors, and both work out religiously. My working out normally involves a DVD of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and some paper towel...you get my drift.

Lindsay Lohan Shrieks at Ashley Olsen

Lindsay Lohan is so delusional, she actually thinks other young skanklets want to steal Samantha Ronson away from her.

The other night when Lindsay was partying with Ronson at the Beatrice Inn in New York, Ashley Olsen had occasion to come up to Ronson to say hi. A jealous Lohan immediately got up in Olsen's face and shrieked, "Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend."

This outburst confirms three things: One, Lindsay and Ronson are indeed munching each other. Two, Lindsay hates Ashley Olsen with a passion. Three, Lindsay is really funny when she's loaded on Grey Goose and Red Bull.

Ashlee Simpson "Performs" on Jay Leno

The entertainment industry needs to stop shoving people like Ashlee Simpson down our throats. Seriously...this is embarrassing. Bitch can't sing at all. And what exactly is her thing supposed to be anyway? Before at least she kind of passed for a punky rocker chick, but now it's like she wants to be a slightly edgier Jessica...which is unconscionably lame. This bitch wouldn't even get through the early auditions on American Idol, and most of those people suck anus.

Things That Make Me Want to Kill...

Lesbos Love Chelsea Clinton

Chelsea Clinton is apparently very popular among lesbians.

During a recent tour of Philadelphia gay establishments on behalf of her mother's campaign, Chelsea found herself getting mobbed by dykes, who wanted to shake her hand and also get a handful of other parts of her anatomy.

"I grabbed her ass," one crazy lesbo exclaimed after posing for a picture with the young Ms. Clinton.

“Chelsea, the gays love you!” someone else yelled as Chelsea prepared to speak at one of her stops.

Eh...speak for yourself.