Mean Lesbian Makes K-Stew Cry

As if Kristen Stewart doesn't have enough to worry about with a million Twilight fans wanting to steal her underwear...now she has to deal with a mean old lesbian hovering over her while she's trying to act.

The mean old lesbian is Joan Jett, the '80s rocker Stewart is playing in her new movie. Seems Jett is inordinately concerned about the authenticity of Stewart's performance and has been giving Stew a hard time on the set.

"Joan just wants Kristen to play an authentic version of herself, so she needled her a little bit too much," a source told Gatecrasher. "But she apologized when she realized how upset Kristen got."

Joan, don't you realize how sensitive artists like K-Stew are? No, you wouldn't, would you? Cause you're just some dumb shit who once put on tight pants and pretended to play a guitar, and got lucky and had one hit that was only a hit because everyone was too drunk to realize how bad it sucked.

Why don't you just back up off of K-Stew and let her do her magic? You should be honored that K-Stew would be willing to play you in a movie. You could've gotten stuck with Taylor Momsen, you know

The Sun Doesn't Get In Her Eyes

A day without Lada GaGa dazzling us with her hair would be like a day without sunshine. This one is great because not only is it awesome, it also keeps harmful UV radiation out of your face. And that's good for GaGa who seems to have less pigment going than a mutant rat that has lived its entire life in a cave system beneath Kentucky.

Getting Tired

I love Sacha Baron Cohen almost more than I love orgasms, but the Bruno shtick, which basically involves Sacha dreaming up new ways to make people look at his junk, is beginning to tire out. Thankfully the movie releases soon and the promotional blitz will finally end. Then Sacha can take a nice long vacation with his boyfriend Eminem. It's okay Sacha, I won't tell Isla.

Beauty And The Bitch

Johnny Depp is out reluctantly doing the rounds on behalf of his new movie Public Enemies which is apparently the greatest thing since the Lumiere Brothers first plunked their camera down in front of a factory full of people going home from work. Marion Cotillard, who was so wonderful as Edith Piaf in that movie whose name escapes me, co-stars as Johnny's girlfriend, and everyone says Cotillard will win another Oscar. That's great, except that I hate her guts ever since she made those ridiculous remarks about America never landing on the moon and 9/11 being an inside job. If there's anything I hate worse than an arrogant Frog it's an arrogant Frog who is also delusional and stupid. I wish her face would melt off.

This Will Fix Everything

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker were this close to Splitsville until they went out and bought themselves some twins. Now I guess everything's okay in their marriage, except for that whole thing where they hate each other's guts and both want to fuck other people. They got a nice photo-op out of it anyway. Broderick's hair is nearly as disturbing as Joe Biden's now.

Does Anyone Feel Bad?

The Michael Jackson media hysteria has claimed its first victim: Fox News reporter Craig Boswell, who got hit by a car while staking out the Jackson Family compound in Encino.

Boswell was reportedly standing on the street when a gold Toyota Corolla came and ran over his foot. Does anyone know if Britney has a gold Toyota Corolla?

Fox says Boswell suffered broken bones in the accident. He might've also suffered some loss of dignity, if he hadn't already sacrificed it all by going to work for Fox News.

Lady Looks Like An Ugly Dude

Mariah Carey is doing something wicked clever for her new music video: she's dressing up like a man. A female popstar doing drag! Who ever heard of such a fabulous bit?

What crazy and original thing will Mariah do next I wonder? Join a nutty religion? Adopt a baby from some shithole third-world country? Punch Rihanna?

Amy Winehouse Finds A New Way To Annoy People

The people who operate the resort in St. Lucia where Amy Winehouse has been dealing with her problems for the last few months are fed up with the pop star's habit of adopting stray dogs and bringing them back to her place to live.

"Management initially turned a blind eye to what Amy was doing," said a source. "But she's adopted about five or six dogs now. They're all strays, without the proper vaccinations and they all have fleas."

They're diseased and flea-ridden? I guess that explains why Amy is so fond of them. She thinks they're one of her own. Or she's one of their own. Who fucking knows what that lunatic thinks.

Not The Chimp Trainer Or The Guy Who Ran The Ferris Wheel?

Us Weekly has revealed the identity of the man who gave up the sperm for Michael Jackson's kids: it was his dermatologist Arnold Klein. Us says Klein and the surrogate mom for two of the kids, Debbie Rowe, signed a paper agreeing never to reveal the truth, or else Michael would noogie them to death. But now Michael is dead so I guess somebody figures it's okay to blab.

This Is Getting Fucked Up

TMZ is reporting the same thing that was alleged this weekend by News of the World: that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of any of his children. But TMZ's sources go even further, claiming that Debbie Rowe was not the biological mother, but merely acted as a surrogate for the two older kids, Michael, Jr. and Paris. The third kid, Prince Michael II aka Blanket, was brought into the world via a surrogate who has yet to be identified.

TMZ also says that Jackson never legally adopted any of the kids. I guess in his world, if you said you were the daddy, that made you the daddy. Even if you never fucked mommy, or even squirted into a test-tube so mommy's eggs could be fertilized and placed into another mommy's body. Did this dude every do anything normal?

Why Am I Not Bothered By This?

The death of Michael Jackson has affected a lot of people in a lot of different ways, but it's definitely hit home the hardest amongst his most diehard fans, some whom have been demonstrating their undying devotion by, um, dying.

That's right, dying. On purpose. 12 of them so far, according to Gary Taylor, president of the world's biggest Michael Jackson fan-club.

"It is a serious situation that these people are going through but Michael Jackson would never want this," Taylor said of the self-snuffers. "He would want them to live."

Or, at the very least, try to buy as much of his shit as possible before sealing up the garage and turning on the engine.

The natural reaction here is to call these people crazy, and weep and wail about what a shame it is that they have so little to live for, but I don't really see anything here to feel bad about. All I see is 12 fewer useless, pathetic dipshits.

If celebrities dying is what it takes for humanity to drop this deadweight, then I say, let's kill some more celebrities. And shut down the suicide hotlines. And start handing out razor blades and bottles of pills on streetcorners. We've gotta thin the herd somehow people.

He Can't Be That Dumb, Can He?

A former John Edwards aide is pitching a book proposal in which he alleges, among other things, that Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress and baby mama Rielle Hunter.

The aide, Andrew Young, also reveals that he was lying when he himself made a statement last year claiming credit for knocking up Ms. Hunter. Young says he was so devoted to Edwards that, not only did he pretend he was the one who'd had the affair with Hunter, he willingly allowed Hunter to move in with him and his own wife and kids to hide Hunter's pregnancy from the media.

Young says he discovered the sex tape after Hunter moved out, and he and his own family moved to a new house. Young also claims that Hunter discussed her and Edwards' plans for marriage in the event Edwards' cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth did them the favor of kicking off.

Just when you thought John Edwards couldn't slide any farther down the slimeball scale...a sex tape. Actually, that's not slimeball scale, that's idiot scale. Unless you're a no-talent media whore like Kim Kardashian, there is no earthly reason for you to be making a sex tape. What, were John and Rielle planning on whipping the thing out after Elizabeth passed and they got hitched, so they could remember the good old days when he betrayed his cancer-ridden wife and ruined his political career? Make some popcorn baby, I wanna watch the sex that completely fucked up my life.

This guy isn't even worthy of being a New York politician, that's how fucking low he is.

She Wove The Headband From Her Own Pubic Hair

Tara Reid has a new boyfriend, who may be the retarded son of Richard Grieco. Sorry, that should read, "even more retarded son" of Richard Grieco. I'm still shocked Johnny Depp ended up the big star to come out of 21 Jump Street. I was sure it would either be Grieco or Dom DeLuise's fat son.

Bye Bye Bernie

World-renowned Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff has received 150 years in prison, the maximum sentence, for bilking rich, famous people like Larry King and Steven Spielberg out of billions of dollars.

"I'm responsible for a great deal of suffering and pain, I understand that," Madoff blubbered to the court before sentencing. "I live in a tormented state now, knowing all of the pain and suffering that I've created. I've left a legacy of shame, as some of my victims have pointed out, to my family and my grandchildren."

Yeah, sure Bernie, you're just overcome with remorse. Well, I've got a suggestion to remedy that: hang yourself with your belt. That's what you'd do if you had any honor.

Stop With The Dying Already!

Fred Travalena has joined the parade of celebs heading to the grave. The 66-year-old Vegas performer, a favorite of your father, expired from non-Hodgkin's lymphoma on Sunday according to his publicist.

Goodbye Fred Travalena. You will be missed by the people who knew you were not already dead.

David Bowie Is Crying Jealous Tears

This Lady GaGa outfit rocks. I can't tell where the cheesy Flock of Seaguls-style keyboard ends and the dress begins.

I'm so pissed that Lady GaGa outraced me to that wig when we both saw it at Phil Spector's Goin' to Jail sale. I would've tripped the bitch but I was afraid to break her solar panels.

Shit-Shit's New Hair

It's Monday, so Shitney has dyed her hair brown. Actually, she reportedly did it for her boyfriend Jason Trawick, who used to just be her agent before he slipped her the Rohypnol. What the hell am I saying? You don't need to slip Britney anything to make her fuck you. Just make sad puppy-dog eyes at her and she'll mount you like Secretariat.

Will She Or Won't She?

Michael Jackson's mother Katharine has filed papers to receive guardianship of the late freak's children, but the filing doesn't indicate whether the bio-mom of the two older kids, Debbie Rowe, intends making a challenge.

Rowe, we were told a few days ago, was preparing to mount a custody fight against the Jacksons, but there was a story yesterday in News of the World (since removed from their website) full of bizarre reports, including one that had Rowe revealing that Michael wasn't even the kids' father, and that she had no intention of seeking custody.

Well, I don't know who can look at those kids and not see that Michael at least donated the sperm. As for Rowe's desire to seek custody: as I said before, I'm sure that all depends on how much money she thinks she can pump the Jacksons for. She took a huge pay-off from Michael to go away before, so why not seek another load of fuck off cash from grandma? It just doesn't make any business sense for Rowe to hand over custody without at least threatening a fight.

Too Bad He Couldn't Have Sold Himself A Thicker Skull

Annoying TV pitchman Billy Mays reportedly received a blow to the head during a rough plane landing in Tampa just hours before his wife found him dead. A statement by an FAA official indicated that Mays was not wearing his seatbelt at the time of the injury, but that statement has since been retracted.

Authorities refuse to connect Mays' death to the airplane incident, and will only say that no foul play was involved. However, it's pretty clear to me that Mays died of the blow to the head he suffered on that flight. It was either that or God finally listening to my nightly prayers for Mays to die and go to hell. I don't need a cabinet full of cleaners? Fuck you dead apeman.

Jamie Foxx Sucks

Jamie Foxx paid tribute to Michael Jackson at the BET Awards by wearing his jacket and high-water pants and butchering his famous dance moves. Then he completed the touching homage by picking a 10-year-old boy out of the audience, pouring liquor down his throat and raping him.

Michael Jackson's About To Have Company

A few days ago we witnessed a former adorable child star come to a tragic end after a long, public disintegration. And, by the looks of Lindsay Lohan, we will be witnessing another such spectacle pretty much any day now. The only difference being the amount of time required to complete the disintegration.

Do you think she actually thinks she's sexy?

Soon There Will Be No Celebrities Left

Another celebrity has hit the highway to heaven a tad ahead of schedule. Billy Mays, famed TV pitchman, was found dead in his Tampa home early Sunday morning, according to authorities. An autopsy is scheduled for Monday. Foul play is not suspected.

Perhaps he just inhaled too much of the crap he was selling? By the way, Mays was 50 - just like Michael Jackson. WeeeooowEEEEEEooooooooo.

No One Else Will Hang Out With Him

I figured Jon Gosselin would be living the high-life without that dumb roadkill-haired bitch around..."high" as in "high on pot and co-ed poon." But no. He just looks sad and lost, with only his dogs to hang out with. Perhaps he should try switching teams? There's nothing better than a throbbing bone up your ass to improve your outlook on life.

Jackson's Sad Final Months

The sad final six months of Michael Jackson are chronicled in this long Daily Mail piece by Ian Halperin. The short version: Jackson was fucked because of a genetic disorder that ruined his lungs and left him in frail health and unable to sing, but his handlers wanted to keep pumping him for cash, so they made him sign this deal to do 50 shows even though he was barely capable of standing. Jackson became so distressed over what he knew would be a dismal failure that he essentially wanted to die. Then...he died.

Oh, and Halperin confirms that Jackson was gay. Clearly he was tormented by this fact. You only had to look at him to know he was consumed with self-loathing. But, you know, that's what shrinks are for. Self-hatred and social anxiety are no reasons to withdraw entirely into a fantasy world. Everything Jackson suffered could've been dealt with if only he hadn't been a cash-cow to so many people. He was done-in by being Michael Jackson.

(Thanks xnorb-evad)

Of Course

Jesse Jackson has figured out a way to insinuate himself into the Michael Jackson death story. The former civil rights leader and latter-day media-clown has appointed himself the family's official spokesperson, and has conveyed their wish to have a second autopsy performed on Michael to possibly clear up some lingering questions about how he died.

Suspicion continues to swirl around Michael's personal doctor Conrad Murray, who administered the Demerol that apparently caused the singer's fatal heart attack. "The routine inquiry is now an investigation," Jesse said. "They [the Jacksons] didn't know the doctor. ... He should have met with the family, given them comfort on the last hours of their son."

Too bad Michael didn't bleed all over Jesse - then he could've gone around wearing the blood-stained shirt for days.

It's nice to see Jesse sticking up for the little guy again. He's such a crusader for the downtrodden and oppressed.

Give Them To Kate

It's about to get ugly between Michael Jackson's family and horse breeder Debbie Rowe, the woman who infamously bore Jackson's two older children via artificial insemination.

Rowe has reportedly told friends she will "fight tooth and nail" to gain custody of the kids - including the youngest, who is not hers - despite having once taken millions of dollars to stay out of their lives.

Needless to say, the Jacksons have no intention of standing by while Rowe makes off with M.J.'s freaky progeny. Michael's 79-year-old mother Katherine is ready to go Roman on Rowe if that's what it takes to get the bitch out of the picture.

If this whole case were simply a matter of common sense, and not money, Rowe would win hands down. Because how could any responsible person justify letting anyone in the Jackson family have custody of anything? I wouldn't let a Jackson raise a spider plant.

Unfortunately, it is all about money, as in "how much money will it take to get Debbie Rowe to go away again?" I'm sure the Jacksons with all their vast wealth will be able to come up with a number.

My solution: Just let Kate Gosselin have the kids. They could use a dose of reality.

Jackson Doctor Sought

The L.A. police have been investigating Michael Jackson's death, and have zeroed in on a doctor, Conrad Robert Murray, whose responsibility it was to give Jacko his daily Demerol injection.

This doctor reportedly gave Jacko a shot of the opium-based pain killer right before he died. Then, just to make sure plenty of suspicion attached itself to him, Murray went missing.

Murray has since surfaced, according to TMZ, and is preparing to speak to authorities. Meanwhile, TMZ also reports that members of Jacko's family had expressed concern about his Demerol habit. It's always the shady doctor isn't it?

Janet Or Michael?

Janet Jackson arrives in L.A. - or is it Michael in disguise? They've still never been seen together in the same room.

Does everyone in that family have creepy hands?

People Who Aren't Dead, Part 2

Sacha Baron Cohen, also not dead.

Weird little story tying in Sacha with Michael Jackson: There was a big promotional event for Bruno in L.A. yesterday, and as part of the staging for said event, Michael Jackson's Walk of Fame star had to be covered. After news broke of Jackson's death, people came out to put flowers on his star - only problem was, Jackson's star was still covered; but there is a second star for a different Michael Jackson, an L.A. radio personality, and that was the one people started setting their tributes around. So now loads of nitwits are showing their friends cell phone pictures they took of the candle they lit next to Michael Jackson's star, and it's the wrong Michael Jackson.

Sacha Baron Cohen causes hilarious shit, even when he doesn't meant to.

Ex Post Jacko

An autopsy will be performed on Michael Jackson some time today, giving some lucky medical examiner a chance to find out what parts were still original, and what parts were replacements. As usual, there will be a 6-8 week wait for the toxicology report. Already there are indications that prescription drugs may have played a part in Jacko's untimely demise-o; evidently he had been hitting the pills pretty hard in recent times. Much like Elvis, Jacko couldn't handle the twistedness of his own existence without chemical assistance. And I'm guessing his conscience probably gave him some problems too. Let's face it - if you have any kind of a soul in your body, you can't grope children, and ply them with Jesus Juice for the purposes of having your way with them, without experiencing tortuous guilt. If one remains capable of acknowledging one's own monstrousness to oneself, one avoids becoming entirely a monster. Even if one has a putty nose, no ears and skin several shades lighter than what one was born with.

People Who Aren't Dead, Part 1

Nicole Kidman, unlike Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, is not dead. I think. Actually, with Nicole it's hard to tell. She does often look like she's been embalmed.

Madonna's Jacko Statement

Madonna is despondent over the death of Michael Jackson. "I can't stop crying over the sad news," Vadge said in a statement. "I have always admired Michael Jackson. The world has lost one of the greats, but his music will live on forever!

My heart goes out to his three children and other members of his family. God bless."

P.S. - Kabbalah could've saved him, but that's all water under the bridge now I guess.

By the way, Madonna is lying about crying. Everyone knows she no longer has tear ducts.

Update: Michael Jackson Is Dead

I don't know what crazy demons lurked inside Michael Jackson's brain, but it doesn't matter now, because the former King of Pop is dead. If there is a God, Michael has some serious shit he will have to answer for. And yes I realize I'm focusing on the negative here, but how can you focus on anything else? He was a great performer, once, but he became a sick freak who touched children and lied about it, and cut off his own facial features, and basically made everyone ill for the last 15 years of his twisted existence. Perhaps he deserves sympathy, given the way he was brought up. Clearly, he never had a chance for a normal life; he was warped almost from the start. There is tragedy there. But we are ultimately responsible for our actions. If there's a silver lining, it's that maybe now Jackson's children will have a chance to be brought up in something resembling a normal environment, and will get to be real human beings. Let's hope.

Update: TMZ's report that Michael Jackson had expired was cast into doubt by major media outlets like CNN, who apparently look down their noses at the internet. But now all doubt has been removed: the LA Times confirms that Jackson is dead.

Jackson Tried To Kill Himself?

Rumors are swirling that Michael Jackson's "heart attack" was the result of a deliberate sleeping pill overdose. But why would Michael Jackson try to kill himself?

Oh right: he's broke, he has skin cancer, and he's an evil piece of shit who molested children and is probably tormented in the depths of his soul. Stupid question.

Jacko Dead-O?

Disturbing reports are swirling about Michael Jackson. Just moments ago, it came across the wire that Jackson had been rushed to UCLA Medical Center after going into cardiac arrest. TMZ says that paramedics had to perform CPR on Jackson when they arrived at his residence.

You're probably thinking what I'm thinking: There is no amount of money that could induce me to do CPR on Michael Jackson. Whoever performed that duty is some kind of mad hero. More to come...

Advice For Transformers Fans

LaBoof has some advice for anyone who's wondering how they will be able to endure the new Transformers movie without losing their minds. Crabbie's advice for the Megan Fox pervs: try not to squirt too hard on the head of the person in the seat in front of you. That's how public castrations happen.

Another Reason Twitter Needs To Die

Oh look, it's Katy Perry naked in a bathtub with only a tray of pizza between our eyes and her naughty parts. And of course it was posted by Katy herself on Twitter. The people who invented Twitter should have their balls run over by a steamroller.

Cougar Buffet

The Jonas Brothers were on with Regis and Kelly. So what do you think...is Kelly a Nick girl or Joe girl? Or would she prefer the other one, just to be different? And what about Regis? He's all about Joe I think. "Purity rings?" thinks Regis. "I've got a ring for you. It's loose and wrinkly and some call it a sphincter."

Question: Is interviewing the Jonas Brothers anything like talking to drapes?

She Wishes

Dear Jen: Forget it. Gerard Butler is not into you. That one roll he gave you was all you're going to get. And that was just so he would have a story to tell his grandkids - his grandkids via children from a relationship with a woman who is not you.

Farrah Passes

Farrah Fawcett has left the earth after a long battle with cancer. Ryan O'Neal's statement reads:

After a long and brave battle with cancer, our beloved Farrah has passed away. Although this is an extremely difficult time for her family and friends, we take comfort in the beautiful times that we shared with Farrah over the years and the knowledge that her life brought joy to so many people around the world.

It is still undetermined whether Redmond will be released from the clink to attend the funeral. Farrah doesn't care either way. Her troubles are over. She will never have to worry what will become of her piece of shit son again.

She Should've Worn The Hat On Her Ass

If you wrapped a microwaved hot dog up in a blue two-piece and stuck a dumb-looking hat on it...

And she wonders why Jonny-boy prefers the little college hardbodies. You gotta keep that shit tight if you want to hold onto the man.

She Just Doesn't Give A Shit

Lindsay Lohan doesn't give a shit about your smoking bans. She will light up a heater anywhere she pleases, even inside a hair salon. Rules are for normal people, not superstars. And quit your whining about giving innocent people cancer. Those people work with dangerous hair-styling chemicals all day; they've already got more cancer waiting to pop up than a hundred chain smoking former movie stars. You're just jealous that you don't get to do whatever you want, whenever you want, to whomever you want.

LaBoof Slobbers On Fox Hottie

LaBoof has a thing for Asian chicks, as he demonstrates in this snippet from an interview with some Fox News broad. Let's hope they at least got to a motel room before mauling each other.

Swaggart Moment

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is running around doing the "forgive me for I have sinned" act after getting caught boning some ho in Argentina (while he was allegedly out hiking the Appalachian trail). Sanford had been considered a Republican presidential hopeful for 2012 but now, he's just another cheating, lying, hypocritical politician like John Edwards and Larry Craig and all the rest. At least he managed to sort of retain his dignity through his press conference; he didn't do a full-on Swaggart. But even a half-Swaggart is still pretty repulsive.

Crossed The Line

Darryl Hannah has crossed the line from "she's had too much work done" to "she should just rope herself off and charge people to look at her." Disaster.

The Perfect Metaphor

This image is the perfect metaphor for Jennifer Aniston's existence. But what does the empty carriage represent? Her love-life? Her childlessness? Her overall spiritual state? Ponder it while I microwave myself another panini.

Look Out Calista

I think Rachel McAdams has designs on Harrison Ford. Either that or she just really admires his plugs.

Not Taking It Lying Down

Jon Gosselin isn't going to stand idly by and let his soon-to-be-ex-wife Kate suggest that he is a threat to her and their children, and she seemed to when releasing this statment:

Over the course of this weekend, Jon's activities have left me no choice but to file legal procedures in order to protect myself and our children.

Jon replied, "I am deeply saddened that we are divorcing, and also hurt by the statement Kate made last night about the divorce. I have always done everything I can to protect our family."

Except when you were away boning college girls. Sorry Jon, but you're the man, therefore it is all your fault. It is a tad amusing, though, that the one who got caught slapping the kid around in public is crying about needing protection.

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