The Land Of 10,000 Nutjobs

Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman thinks his opponent Al Franken has gone too far in trying to paint him as an evil Washington dirtball. The last straw came for Coleman when Franken's people put out an ad calling him the fourth-most corrupt member of the Senate and claiming he lives rent-free in a Washington apartment. Coleman has fired back by suing Franken for defamation. "Mr. Franken has chosen to push the lines of believability far beyond the bounds of the truth," said Coleman's communications director. "That is his right — but it is not his right to break Minnesota campaign law, and we believe that is what Mr. Franken and his campaign have done." This comes days after Republicans made their own waves on Coleman's behalf by sending out a mailer attacking Franken as a nut-job who thinks rape is funny (he penned some envelope-pushing jokes during his time as a comedy writer and they won't let him forget it). This one panel in particular almost seems to suggest that Franken is himself a child molester:



I do not envy the people of Minnesota - neither of these guys is particularly savory. Well, at least they have Dean Barkley, who was officially endorsed by Jesse Ventura. Yeah, Minnesota politics could be the most fucked-up in the nation, especially when you add in good old Michelle Bachmann who supports McCarthyist investigations into members of Congress to root out the "unAmerican" ones:



McCain should've picked Bachmann as his running mate. Her voice sounds just like Sarah Palin's but she's actually able to articulate her insanity halfway decently. She would've been much better at whipping up the crazy racists and the people who are terrified of socialism without even knowing what the hell it is. Maybe she doesn't have nice enough legs for McCain?

Worth At Least A Million Words

Oh man - Shia LaBeouf is not happy to be having his picture taken with his mom. He wants to run away and hide so bad. What's the matter Shia? She looks like everyone else's mom to me. Maybe a little more hippieish but so what? Oh, you're afraid she's going to hurt the little tough guy image you think you've cultivated. Sorry sweetie, but no one believes it. Picking fights with Walgreens security guards, calling your white friends "dawg" and "nigga" and getting popped for DUI don't make you seem bad-ass. You're just a pathetic confused kid aren't you Shia? Sorry. Life sucks. Guess you'll have to console yourself by spending some of your millions on drugs and hookers and tats. Fucking little twat.

Someone Douse Them, Quick

Mariah Carey and that dude she's pretending to be married to dressed up as firefighters. This had nothing to do with Halloween - they just like dressing up as things. Nick doesn't seem that into it, does he? He's thinking about his gay porn stash back at the creeb. The one Mariah still hasn't discovered. "What are you doing in there Nick? What's that funny squishing noise?"

My God, He's Trying To Eat Himself

Dressing Al Roker up as a gingerbread man - probably not the wisest thing. That blue button is down a little too far for comfort if you ask me. Ann Curry as the world's phoniest, most insufferable Cinderella? Blah. Matt Lauer as Humpty Dumpty. Now we know why he fell off the wall - Tom Cruise pushed him. And Meredith Viera as Pinocchio. With tits. That get bigger the more she lies. Just keep lying and lying Meredith - you'll never have to worry about loneliness.

Boring Chumps

Madonna and her little baseball-playing Dick of the Month Club winner Alex Rodriguez are all over the New York media for flying out to Jerry Seinfeld's place in the Hamptons on helicopters. They allegedly stayed there four hours before leaving. What did they do with the Seinfelds for four hours at the Seinfelds' house before flying off in helicopters like characters in some dumb-ass Tom Clancy novel? Perhaps we don't want to know. I wonder if this Rodriguez character is smart enough to realize he's being used by Madonna as a means of getting back at her husband Guy Ritchie for whatever she thinks Ritchie did to her. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he just wants his place on that rather long list of people who've fucked Madonna. Maybe he thinks when he gets to the end this will earn him a special place in whatever afterlife he believes in. "Oh, you did Madonna. There's a special VIP room for people like you. It's currently the size of North America but we're thinking of knocking out a wall."

Lay Off The Drugs Hon

A funny thing happened to Duffy in her dressing room before a gig opening for Coldplay in Cleveland: The candle she'd lit for ambiance set her hair on fire and she almost burned up. "I was in the dressing room and I had music on and candles alight," said the reincarnation of Lulu (yes I know Lulu isn't dead). "The venue was a huge stadium, like a big sports centre. The dressing rooms had big white lights, no mirrors and lockers all along. They were super cool but you wouldn't want to spend three hours in there. So I was giving it a little bit of razzle dazzle. I had dimmed the lights then I lit this candle and it started melting a bit.

"I thought, 'Shit!' and started blowing it out. I got a cloth to wipe it up and bent down, not realising it was still lit. Then the entire left side of my hair went up in flames."

The situation was made more embarrassing, says Duffy, because Coldplay's Chris Martin was on his way to meet her, and when he got there she had to explain her room smelling like fried hair. "Are you giving yourself a home perm in here?" Michael Jackson sympathizes I'm sure.

Fright Mask

I wonder what Elvis would think if he came forward in time and saw Priscilla the way she looks now. "Hey baby. What's been happening? God damn, was there a nuclear war or something? Is everybody else a mutant too? Fuck this, I'm going back to 1970. I may have been incredibly high on drugs but at least the women didn't make me piss myself with terror."

Poor Baby

It's been three months since Nicole Kidman's surrogate gave birth and bitch is still emotional over the whole experience. "I cry even thinking of [baby Friday Geranium]," Kidman said. "But they are tears of joy. Because I suppose I never thought I would get to [give birth to a child]. To have been given it so late in life – I'm so ready for it." God - imagine being a little baby and having this thing with big freaky pulled-taut lips blubbering over you constantly. Thank goodness the kid will have daddy's booze to get into when it gets older, otherwise I don't know how it would survive.

Pack It In McCain Folks

It's not even funny how over it is. Sarah Palin and Matt Drudge are the only people left who think the old mummy-armed fuck still has a shot.

Just The Way Your Mother Likes It, Trebek

Contrary to rumors, Sean Connery is not coming out of retirement to appear in the movie The Quest of Sheherzade with Orlando Bloom. "Sean has not even heard of the project," said a rep for the old Scottish fart. The asses of all the women who were set to work on that movie just breathed big sighs of relief.

Trick Or EEEEAAAAAAAAA

Michael Jackson took his freaky little white children shopping for Halloween costumes. The one in the red shirt is off to blow up Parliament.
They're Michael Jackson's kids - don't they know they don't need masks? "And what are you supposed to be little girl. Michael Jackson's daughter? Aaaaaagggggggg!!!"

More One-Eyed Tom

The Valkyrie people are going forward with their promotion which includes putting out stills like this one of Tom Cruise looking, what, pensive? I see that patch and I just imagine him taking a peen in the eye from David Beckham. "Ow you limey fuck! You put my eye out. Ow ow ow mommeeee!" This movie is going to bomb so bad. I can't wait.

You Ain't Johnny Cash Sweetie - You Only Played Him

Joaquin Phoenix says he's quitting acting and will devote himself instead to making music. The nutbag Walk the Line star rambled during an appearance on Extra, "I want to take this opportunity...to give you the exclusive ... that this will be my last performance as an actor... I'm not doing films anymore." It's pretty clear what's happened here. He played Johnny Cash in a movie and did his own singing and now he thinks he's a musician. This happens to actors all the time. It's like when Al Pacino did Serpico and couldn't get out of character and was caught running around New York with a fake badge arresting people. Just get over it Joaquin - you're not Johnny Cash. That movie was a few years ago now and you should really be over it. Let's just hope he doesn't start thinking he's a journalist like Sean Penn, or we'll be up to our elbows in badly-written essays on Iran and Venezuela.

Little Wet Girl Panties

Selena Gomez dreams of having Shia LaBeouf all over her...TV show The Wizard of Waverly Place. "You'd think that as much as I promote it [he'd make an appearance]," the tart said. "I'm like, begging, but it's not happening. I know I'm a nerd! Please, Shia, come on my show!" Darling little Selena - she doesn't realize Shia is a complete dirtbag who would probably molest her the second they were alone. Or maybe she does know that and that's exactly what she wants. Jonas Brothers get old after awhile I guess.

More Fun With Jen The Desperate Slag

What's she about to do with that fan? It's warmer and more loving than John Mayer I bet.

No More Vampires

Kate Beckinsale has caught up with the rest of the world by becoming sick of vampire movies. When asked if she'd consider doing yet another sequel to the idiotic and tedious Underworld the actress said:

I think they're still going, they probably will. I'm not sure I will. I feel like I've played that character enough times that I don't think I'd be excited to play the same character again. It's a weird experience. I've never done that before, you're playing the same character in two movies, and after two, I feel like I'm kind of done with that.

No more vampires for Beckinsale. But what will she do now? Hmm. Maybe something set in the desert? Something with, I don't know, a Pharoah? And a tomb? And a chick in really tight vinyl pants who scowls a lot?

Careful Dude...

...don't cut yourself on her cheekbones.

Don't Believe It

Star is going with this nonsense (via Dlisted) about Brad Pitt messing around on Angelina with Diane Kruger, an actress he stars with in Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds (again, Quentin's spelling). "Angie loves Brad and wants to trust him, but she also knows that their own love blossomed while working on a movie together," a source said. "Now she's convinced that Diane has a crush on Brad, and she's scared something could happen." Yeah? Like what? He could suddenly desire a woman who isn't stuck on herself? Who doesn't carry his balls around in a little sack like musketeers used to use for their powder? Who doesn't expect him to spend the rest of his life being swarmed by filthy orphans from every corner of the globe? Gosh, I don't know why he would want anyone but Angelina. She's so undemanding.

Literary Lights

The Olsen Twins entered a bookstore for the first time in their lives yesterday and signed copies of their new big dumb scam book Influence. Sorry but I prefer my toilet paper white and cottony - I have a sensitive bottom, you know.

Of course, wherever the Olsens go, PETA follows. They were outside the bookstore protesting in Mary-Kate and Ashley masks. Sadly, no terrorists set off any nuclear bombs in the vicinity. If you want to protest something troublemaking freaks, why not protest all the poor trees that had to die so the Olsens could have their little vanity project.

Hose Them Down

Michael Lohan may have given up ripping Samantha Ronson but Joe Francis hasn't. The skeezy ex-con, who claims to be a friend of Lindsay Lohan's, went on Tyra Banks and laid into Lindsay's DJ girlfriend, calling her a "wretched woman" and claiming she is manipulating Lindsay. "I care about Lindsay," Francis insists. "She's not gay."

Maybe not - but I wouldn't blame her if she were, with men like you in the world.

Spooky Halloween Picture

Is that a ghost? Oh, no...it's just a desperate childless old hag. Never mind.

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Katy Perry Again

Katy Perry put away the cooked egg costume and went to a party as Freddie Mercury. With tits. She gets points for the cross-dressing bit and the amusing cheesiness of the moustache, but is docked for being with the dumb-ass in the oh-so-predictable Joker get-up. If they'd gone as Mary-Kate Olsen and The Joker - that might've worked.

It's Not An Ass Buffet There Becksy

Is it just me or is there a note of wistfulness to David Beckham's ogling? "Another one I'll never touch without that bitch trying to have me killed." What's the use of being beautiful and famous if you can't mess around? Posh has killed the poor man's soul, I'm telling you.

Starved For Yuks

Jessica Simpson's new film Major Movie Star debuted in Russia as the #1 movie in the country. The film stars Simpson as a washed-up film actress who enlists in the army...hmm, dippy blonde rich girl hits rock-bottom and enters the military. That doesn't sound the least bit like a certain Goldie Hawn vehicle from the early '80s. What the hell is going on in Russia that this thing would be their #1 movie? I almost feel sorry for them. It's been a bad year for them, between this, their little war with Georgia and having Sarah Palin constantly spying on them from her porch.

Beyonce?

So is this Beyonce here or Sasha Fierce? Or one of Beyonce's many other equally bland and uninteresting alter egos? Or a transsexual in a bad wig?

Whack-Job

The rats are abandoning John McCain's sinking ship. Of course when campaigns go south, the people involved all scramble to save their reputations, and tactic number 1 is to sell out as many other people as possible. Sarah Palin, having no real political friends in the lower 48, is naturally going to get lambasted by weasels looking to rescue their good names. It started over the weekend when stories of friction between Palin and McCain's people began leaking out. Palin thinks McCain's folks have held her back too much and contributed to her bad performances on TV. Now she's no longer listening to these spineless advisors, a tactic that prompted at least one highly-placed McCain person to brand her a "diva." And today it got even worse. Another senior member of McCain's campaign, speaking to Politico's Mike Allen, called Palin "a whack-job." This was probably the kindest term he could think of. McCain's campaign is in full meltdown mode. The sad thing is that, if he'd just stuck with his old McCain Straight-Talk Express routine and picked a decent running mate, he might've actually won. But he sold his soul to the Rovians and now he'll have to drag his gimpy arms back to Arizona. Poor old, muddle-brained putz.

Drown Them

Two cats I wouldn't mind seeing put in a sack and tossed into a pond. Good thing Ali's modesty kicked in at the last moment and she donned the mesh deal. The last thing I needed to see was Ali Lohan's bare midriff. Especially around lunch.

Ticked Off Fake Religious Folk

Kabbalah leader Rabbi Berg is urging Madonna to settle her divorce from Guy Ritchie as quickly and painlessly as possible, so as to minimize damage to the fake religion's image. "Rabbi Berg's ultimate hope would be a reconciliation," a source said. "But that seems rather a distant hope so at best he would like to put an end to the public raking over of their marriage."

But Rabbi Berg, honey - for Madonna to heed your request, she would have to understand the concept of putting others before herself. And this idea does not exist in her world. Madonna's big huge ego demands that she turn the divorce into as horrific a public spectacle as possible, regardless of the collateral damage others in her circle might face. You might as well just hunker down and wait out the storm. Or I suppose you could just kick the bitch out of your religion. Yeah, I know - the fund-raising hit. You couldn't take it. Well, you know what they say about deals with the devil...

Another One

Katy Perry followed the Gwen Stefani lead and dressed up as a fried egg. She jazzed it up by donning a fuzzy halo. I'm guessing at some point she stripped and waved her tits in the air or had sex with a broom handle or something else edgy and wild. She really wants to make us forget about the whole Christian thing.

Check Out The Doof

Shia LaBeouf looks more lost than John McCain. Where's he going with that backpack? Is he planning on walking across Europe? He knows they hate him in Bulgaria, right? "You die LaBeouf!!!"

Be A Winner - Unlike You-Know-Who

Here's your chance to be a winner today (don't say The Crabster never did anything for you, you bunch of ungrateful maggots). All you have to do is click on over to Gravy and Biscuits and enter the big Gravy and Biscuits Giveaway Contest. Jebbica is giving out a bunch of stuff including a gift-card and a t-shirt and I think also a Mercedes. Again, just click over to Gravy and Biscuits and read all about the contest. And if you win you have to share the swag with me. It's only fair, bitches.

Back Away Slowly

Somebody's off their meds. That's right Bruce, just keep smiling. Eventually she'll let go of your sack.

Is There A Special Hive For Retards?

Tori Spelling - there's one time a year when you can wear a mask on that mush of yours, and you don't take advantage? Of course they also dressed the dog up like a bee. Some will find this adorable; others, like me, will find it puke-worthy.

The Nuts Keep It Up

Sarah Palin rambles. Some nut screams "He's a nigger," referring of course to Obama. Palin goes on rambling. Nothing stops her. She's a machine. Literally. No, seriously...she's not human. Crack her open - it's wires and transistors and a little hamster running and running.

The New It Girl

Kristen Stewart is the new It Girl. We remember her as Supertramp's would-be teenage girlfriend in Into the Wild. The one he gave up because she was too young and he had to get back to killing himself the long, slow, stupid way (it's called a map - look into it). She's starring in this new movie Twilight now which I wouldn't see if it came with a free blow-job. She's undeniably beautiful with her perfect skin and sultry eyes and little hint of naughtiness but...can she act? God I'm sick of the bimbos. Say what you want about Gwyneth Paltrow - she's not a complete empty-head, and it was refreshing to have someone with actual talent as Pepper in Iron Man. Can you imagine if it had been Biel or, God forbid, Alba instead? Stewart can position herself as the alternative to the Disney crop coming up. She can be the anti-Hudgens, the anti-Cyrus, the anti-Tisdale. Now we need to find an anti-Efron out there somewhere. A hot piece of man who doesn't seem stuck on himself, who doesn't seem like he takes an hour working on his hair every day, who doesn't seem caught in a perpetual adolescence. Where have all the Robert Mitchums gone? Or the George Clooneys, for that matter.

Publicity Haters

Sienna Miller and Balthazar Getty just hate publicity. That's why they're constantly being photographed sucking face in pubic. Where's a crane collapse or an out-of-control garbage truck when you need one?

Creepy Old Man

Bono is officially a creepy old man. Chick on the right says on her Facebook that she's just "friends" with the noted humanitarian and U2 frontman. Sure. And my hand is just friends with my dick.

Only A Dummy, Alas

That's supposed to be Sarah Palin being hung in effigy outside some dope's house in West Hollywood. People are pissed but the guy who did it says it's art and Halloween is all about being fun and spooky so it's okay. I just love the old "it's art" argument. It's so weak. If the guy had any real guts he'd come out and say, "I hate the bitch and I wish it was the real Palin hanging there." If the guy really had guts he would've had her demon kids hanging alongside her. Oh, but that would've been over the line right?

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Gwen Stefani

Gwen Stefani went as a sunny-side-up egg. She should've been clever and dressed as a human woman's egg and had Gavin dress as a sperm and spend the night humping her. Instead he dressed as bacon. Isn't that offensive to the PETA people?

Setting Up The Reality Show

Hulk Hogan says his ex-con son Nick learned his lesson in jail and won't be a bad boy anymore. "He was on a roll," quoth the Hulkster. "He was a young professional driver. He had the show going, and it all got real busy, and then when he went to jail, he got stripped of everything.

"He got stripped of clothes, of watches, he got stripped of his identity, and he found out what's important in life. He knows what's real, and what's not real.

"And before he went in there, he was accountable, and he was responsible. And I think that's what he found out in jail, the most important thing. He understands what is real life. You know, it's about helping people, being positive, moving forward.

"He was a good kid before, he's a great kid now. He's not the same man he was when he went in there."

He was accountable and responsible before he went in but just didn't know it? He didn't know what was real before he went to jail but now he does? Is it me or did Hulk just admit to being a terrible father? "I didn't teach the little bastard one damn useful thing - except where his sister's G-spot is." Dear Hulkster: When you have a kid, it's sort of your job to guide them and teach them and make them figure out what's important in life. They shouldn't have to kill someone's brain and go to jail in order to get there. Christ, you are one stupid, inbred fuck Hulk. Of course we all know your blather has a purpose - you're setting up the new Nick Hogan reality show whose premise will be, "Nick is a new man." It's all just marketing isn't it Hulk? Yeah...you know what's real and important. I can tell by the way you're always referring to yourself in the third person...by your stage-name.

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Cindy Crawford

Cindy Crawford does herself up as Amy Winehouse. Okay, first of all, Cindy is what, 50? And she looks at least 10 years younger than the real Wino. Second...sorry, but Wino is too obvious. If you're going to do Wino you have to put a twist on it. You have to do Wino dressed as Jesus or Wino dressed as Sarah Palin. Trannies who dress as Wino can just do Wino cause the twist is already inherent - they're trannies dressed as Wino. Sorry Cindy but you fail.

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Tobey Maguire

Lots of people will be going to Halloween parties etc., dressed as Sarah Palin (all thinking they're being really cool). Todd Palin, I fear, will be under-represented by comparison. Tobey Maguire, at least, has done his part to close the Todd Palin Halloween Costume Gap. It's not very inspired and it's conspicuously lacking a snowmobile racer outfit but I give Tobey points for the witty commentary of the "I Heart My White Trash Wife" hat.

How Much Did They Pay Him?

Michael Lohan is no longer mad at Sam Ronson for leading Lindsay down the road to Carpetmuncherville. "I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha," Michael said at a recent book party. "I'm a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone." Oh okay...being a Christian means you don't pass judgment on anyone. Might wanna fill Sarah Palin in on that little point. And by the way, we know you still hate Sam and think she's evil and that Lindsay is going to go to hell for muff-diving. But you needed the money.

How It Went Down

Sarah Palin shows her daughter how she got the big important running-mate job.

She Cares...So...Damn...Much

Angelina's in do-gooder mode again. Here's video of her in Afghanistan visiting the dirty, fly-bitten refugees. Try not to puke when she starts crying.

Expansive Vocabulary

Jessica Simpson doesn't want to talk about being pregnant. She sucks Tony Romo's ass with that mouth?

Dumb-Asses

Cut-face Bitch didn't only sucker the news media into thinking her story of assault and mutilation by a Barack Obama supporter was true - she also got the McCain campaign to buy into her racist fabrication. Politico's Jonathan Martin reports that both McCain and running mate Sarah Palin called Cut-face's family to offer their support. Morons! And it's been reported that McCain's own Pennsylvania communications director helped give initial credence to the lie by spreading it to various Pittsburgh-area media outlets. Who's running the show over there? Willow?

Crazy Lying Freak

The face-cut bitch was lying. She scratched a backward "B" into her own cheek and blackened her eye possibly with make-up. Congratulations face-cut bitch McCain supporter - you are today's unbelievable attention-whore of the day. You win a one way ticket out of my face via the end of my foot. Silly delusional nitwit Morton Downey bitch.

Proboscis Issues

Most of us hold our noses when we smell something foul. Michael Jackson holds his when he feels it slipping.

Who Are They Trying To Kid?

Taylor Momsen's near-fatal sore throat was the result of the flu and working too hard according to Momsen's Gossip Girl co-star Kelly Rutherford. "You know, all it takes is to get a flu, and then you work a lot of hours, and you have [a serious] flu," explained Dr. Rutherford. So that's going to be the company line then...Taylor works too hard and she's prone to the flu. Not "she's a 14-year-old anorexic cokehead," which we know is the truth. Whatever they say.

Bye Bye Bitch

Raffaello Follieri has been sentenced to 54 months in prison for being a scumbag con artist piece of shit. In court, the slimebag's lawyer claimed Raffaello became "intoxicated" by his and Anne Hathaway's jet-setting lifestyle and perpetrated his various scams so he could keep the good times rolling. Wow - so basically he blamed her. If she hadn't been such a high-class piece of tail they would've been happy eating burgers and going to movies. But she made him steal so they could fly around the world hob-nobbing with the rich and beautiful. What a fucking sleaze.