All Things Must Pass...

...including this blog.

Peace.

Jake Gyllenhaal Kicks Pap

Did Jake Gyllenhaal need to kick this annoying pap or could he have gone about his business without resorting to physical assault? You just let them win when you do that stuff Jake.

Pumpkinheaded Dumb-Ass Sued

Amanda Bynes is being sued along with several other motorists who were involved in a multi-car accident at an intersection in Beverly Hills two years ago. Bynes apparently can't drive for shit: Just last August she was involved in a second wreck in which the other driver was injured. Maybe Amanda has trouble holding up her massive head and therefore doesn't see the cars in front of her?

Spot The Emaciated Freak

I love Lagerfeld's tie. That fucker is wide. Actually, is that really a tie or did he accidentally tuck a tablecloth into his collar and get up? I wish he'd slap that bitch Knightley right in the face. "And that's for that endless snoozefest The Duchess. And that's for those hideous Alba-bangs. And that's for stabbing me in the face with your cheekbone when we were air-kissing. Bitchbitchbitchbitch. Oh, Renfield, bring me a bag of O-negative. I'm feeling sluggish."

Toasted Angie

"Hey look...I found your Benjamin button. Heeeeeee."

Oh, Funny

Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto took advantage of her close encounter with Angelina Jolie at the SAG Awards to solicit advice from the world-wide media-whore on how to handle fame. "She was really wonderful to talk to and very supportive of newcomers," Pinto said of her brush with imagined greatness. "She was just like, 'Embrace it. Enjoy it and keep it real. Don’t get affected by all this. Enjoy every moment.'" Angie telling someone else to keep it real and not get affected? Oh fuck me. That's like Rosie O'Donnell telling someone to mix in a salad. Freida Freida. You didn't listen to her right? Good. Listen to me instead. Dearie: Lose the SAG Awards swag-bag. Bad form to still be carrying that. Makes you look...poor.

Sure Joaquin

Joaquin Phoenix denies that his switch from middling acting to bad rapping is all part of some hoaxy multi-media art project experiment thingamabob, but insists he really means to become a musician. "The transition from one career to another is never seamless," said Joaquin's rep. "It should come as no surprise to anyone that Joaquin came from a musical family, in addition to winning a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Johnny Cash. He intends on exploring his musical interests despite speculative, negative or positive reactions." Did that rep really point to him winning a Golden Globe for pretending to be a singer as evidence of his musical credibility? It just has to be a bit. Joaquin the meta-performer. It's tiresome already, the whole does-he-mean-it-or-not schtick. It's like Andy Kaufman without the wrestling trunks.

The Perils Of Piggyback

"That isn't warmth I feel trickling down my neck is it? I knew I shouldn't have let you get a large."

What's In The Box Whatsyername?

Julianne Moore boxes her career up and carries it back to storage. She likes to take it out sometimes and remember...

Oh Elmo, You Lucky...Um...Whatever You Are

Queen Latifah: "You're totally giving it to Elmo in the ass aren't you?"

John Mayer: "Shut up."

Queen Latifah: "Holy crap you are."

John Mayer: "Shut up or I'll tell Oscar the Grouch you're a lesbian."

Queen Latifah: "Stop it or I'll tell Big Bird you're cheating on him."

John Mayer: "Big Bird is a him?"

Sure, It Was On-Purpose. Just Like Shiloh.

Angelina Jolie wore her Max Azria gown backward when she went to the SAG Awards, garnering whispers from the four faggots who realized what she'd done. Her rep has come out to explain that she wasn't drunk (on power) or high (on self-satisfaction) but wore the dress that way on purpose, to make it "more blouson" In other words, she didn't know which way the dress was supposed to go on, but she's too far up her own ass to just cop to it, so she made up a new word and tossed it to the peasants who will now be more in awe of her and her blousonness than ever. Fantastic. Next time I walk out the door with my shoes on the wrong feet, I'm gonna say it's cause I wanted them to be more "poderatious." Suck it bitches.

I Am The God...Of Kid-Kickers

Kicking your kid in the face is bad enough...but standing there celebrating over it? That's just fucking evil. We need a way-late-term abortion carried out on this kangaroo-humping piece of shit.

Tom Cruise No Doubt Objects

I like shit-sculpture as much as the next person but, damn, I ain't never walked up and kissed one. That's just gross Brooke.

Skank O' The Moment

AnnaLynne McCord is the "It" skank for this month, judging by the number of pictures I've seen of her on places like Just Jared. Shenae Grimes, we hardly knew ye.

Evil Dog Endangerer

All I can say is: Wow. Matthew McConaughey sure isn't very concerned about the health and well-being of his dog. I hope to shit he doesn't play in the street like that with his son. That's fucking Malibu, man. Mel Gibson lives around there...and he ain't exactly responsible behind the wheel, you know?

Guy's Father No Madonna Fan

Guy Ritchie's father has nothing but kind words for his son's ex-wife Madonna. Actually, no...Guy's old man can't stand the bitch, and is tickled that she is no longer part of her son's life. "Guy is better off [without her]," snarled the elder Ritchie. "He's in the States with the children at the moment. She's been here with a chap, a friend of hers. We hope she does have a lot of boyfriends because it means she won't ever get back together with Guy!" Old fart is just bitter he never got to take a shot at her.

Diane Sawyer Drunk Video

I'm sure Diane Sawyer isn't really drunk in this video from the day after the inauguration. She probably went to the dentist or gave blood or something. Or maybe her mouth was numb from all the celebratory blow-jobs she gave. Those liberal media types love them some Barack.

Don't Get Our Hopes Up...

Pete Wentz has grown so tired of media scrutiny that he sometimes thinks of packing up his woman and his kid and leaving the spotlight behind. "Sometimes I think Ashlee and I should do Newlyweds 2, take that fuck-you money and move to an island somewhere. Just disappear," said Wentz. But of course he'll never do it because he's a media-whore just like his buddy John Mayer. Even if he did move to an island (don't bring Jessica or her fat ass will sink the boat), he'd probably have cameras set up all over the place so he could stream video and pictures of himself back to Harvey Levin at TMZ. Harvey loves Pete's pictures. Especially the ones where Pete and Mayer are sucking each other off. You don't think they exist?

Russell Crowe Kicks His Son In The Face

I can't imagine what Russell Crowe's child could've done to provoke this vicious assault. Called him a pasty-white fat-ass? Made some crack about phone-chucking? Pointed out how bad he sucked in that over-rated turd-pile A Beautiful Mind? Actually, it doesn't matter - nothing could justify this level of violence. The man should be tazed until he's quivering on the ground like Andy Dick at the end of a four week bender and hauled to a Turkish prison where some crazy fucker spends the next several years removing every hair from his body one-at-a-time. Just outrageous.

Told Ya

Inside sources are spilling the beans about the truth behind Joaquin Phoenix's big career change from acting to music. Basically, the whole thing is a joke (as I believe I told everyone from almost the very start). "It's a put-on," revealed a Phoenix insider. "[Phoenix said] 'I'm going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey [Affleck] is going to film it.'" Like I said before, Joaquin is clearly bored with M. Night Shyamalan movies and crappy things about firefighters and is looking for something a little more interesting, a little more hip and meta. I'm certain this whole thing will be a reality show or a documentary and Joaquin will go around explaining the whole thing and making everyone think he's really clever and deep. Of course, there's always the chance Joaquin will become so immersed in the "character" he's playing that he won't be able to get back out of it, and will actually begin believing he is Joaquin the bad rapper and not Joaquin the bored actor. That's when the lobodomist steps in.

Scaring The Children

Maggie Gyllenhaal has hooked up with Fisher Price to launch a new line of eco-friendly baby gear, plus she showed up at some big event to present a $250,000 check on behalf of the toy manufacturer to some conservation society. Great. She supports children and the environment. And she's also against cancer and rape, I'm guessing. Wow. She cares. So much. About good things. Unfortunately, all the little kids at the Fisher Price deal are now going to have nightmares after being exposed to Maggie's pug-nosed, jowly hideousness. And I say this shit has to stop. No more Maggie's face in public. Put a bag over the bitch. Hell no, we won't go...wherever Maggie is until she stops inflicting her ugliness on us.

I would like to officially declare myself the Martin Luther King of the anti-Maggie Gyllenhaal's Face movement. I have a dream: That one day, no child will have to lie awake at night sweating and pissing their pants because they can't get the image of Maggie's mutant mush out of their little tortured minds. No justice, no peace.

Don't You Dare Call Her Dumb

Jessica Alba is spittin' mad after being called "dumb" by right-wing nutcase TV host Bill O'Reilly. Dumb? You Jessica? Whatever could've given anyone that impression? Actually, the whole fracas derives from an incident during Obama's inauguration orgy where Alba, acting as some kind of amateur journalist, appeared to confuse Switzerland with Sweden while conducting an interview. O'Reilly seized on this gaffe as an opportunity to call Alba's intelligence into question, and now Alba has shot back with a blog post in which she employs big words like "salient" and basically attacks O'Reilly for being frivolous. My take: Watching Bill O'Reilly and Jessica Alba call each other stupid back and forth is a little like watching Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Arnold trade fat jokes. If we could only get that self-important cock Keith Olbermann involved...well, then we'd have an idiot menage a trois.

You Miss The Point, Ro

Rosie O'Donnell has decided to quit blogging because it stopped "giving her joy." Shit...then I should've stopped about five minutes after I started. No, I'm kidding - I love this. What a wonderful outlet for my anger and frustration at life. I hate everything. Especially Rosie O'Donnell, the fat, stupid cow.

She Likes Them Older And Freakier

Evan Rachel Wood was seen making out with The Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke at a SAG Awards after-party Sunday according to FoxNews. Evidently, Evan's little relationship with Marilyn Manson left her with a jones for a real man. So she picked Mickey. Who I guess qualifies as a real man if you leave out his face, which is decidedly not real. I give Evan points for originality at least: Most little starlets go for the same dudes, Josh Hartnett and Ryan Phillippe and that whole gang, but Evan, she likes sniffing around the freak-jobs. When she's done with Mickey she'll probably go find herself a one-armed carnie or maybe go lesbo for Jocelyn Wildenstein.

It Worked For Lohan...

If Mischa Barton thinks she can make herself relevant by going lesbo...sorry honey, but forget it. Nothing could ever make you relevant. Besides, it's pretty obvious by the closed-mouth kiss that you ain't into chicks. It's dick all the way for you.

Sports Isn't Gay

This is just flirting...you should've seen what went down in the showers. Sorry manly men, but sports is gayer than hell.

Male Bonding

With divorce comes the inevitable competition to make the kids love you more than they do the ex-spouse. Guy Ritchie knows how to play this game well. "Bet you don't do fun stuff like this with your mom do you Rocco?" Um, no dad...mom makes them go to Kabbalah meetings and questions them endlessly about how she looks. "You don't think my arms are too veiny do you Rocco?" Of course they're going to end up preferring you. In fact, I doubt you even need to try that hard.

Orange You Glad You're Free Now Chelsy

Chelsy Davy was so traumatized by her break-up with Prince Harry that she dyed her face orange. I actually don't blame her. It probably is pretty shocking to discover your boyfriend prefers monkey-piles with his mates from the tank brigade to being with you. Plus, you know, now no one is going to care about her. Fame is fleeting Chels. And, thankfully, so are bad fake tans.

They Live

So much for those rumors about the twins being dead or on the verge of death with some horrible disease: Brad and Angie carried them right out in front of cameras in Japan and now we can all see they're fine. Though they both look a little spooked. And the bit with Brad putting a matching hat on little Knox: Lame as fuck. What, no little matching pornstache too?

Easy Access

Brad feels the same way I do about the whole zipping the fly thing: It's oppressive. My stuff needs air, man. It needs to breathe. It needs ventilation. You know in the '60s when all the ladies started burning their bras? Well, men should start tearing the flies out of their jeans and burning them. Fight the power, Bradley.

(thanks nycguy wy)

Mini Me, Maxi Her

"So here's the deal: I swallow the drugs, then you swallow me, then we roll right through customs. Then you pass me through your colon. I'll need to bring a gas-mask and a flashlight. Also a magazine for if I get bored."

For Those Who've Been Dreaming Of A Miley Cyrus Wardrobe Malfunction...

Miley Cyrus had a little dress issue while shooting some video or commercial for lawn tractors or whatever the fuck and her boob came out and someone got a grainy picture of it. The uncensored version is now the holy grail of Miley pictures for those who should be locked up in secure facilities and subjected to electro-shock.

When In Rome...

Joan Rivers took a charity tour of China recently (does anyone really need help that bad?), and scarfed down some meat of unknown origin that she now believes was canine. Joan explains:

You say to them, "Is this dog? Just tell me," and they say, "No, no, no..." [but] I know I ate dog. I love dogs; I have three rescue dogs - you hate to eat what you love."



Actually, I love to eat what I love, but that's not really what you're talking about is it Joan? Eh...who gives a shit anyway. It was probably one of those jerky dogs. Hmm, dog jerky. Sounds tasty.

Ireland Baldwin, Thoughtless Pig

Alec Baldwin took his daughter Ireland to the SAG Awards. Speaking of putting lipstick on a pig. A thoughtless little pig. But enough about Alec...

Jessica Simpson Boards The Fat Train To Fatville

Guess the butt.


That's why Jessica's so sad...cause she's got a blubber-butt. And Tony Romo just dumped her for a cheerleader. She'll be spending the next month on Pete and Ashlee's couch shoving assorted cream-filled confections down her maw and not bothering to get up to shit. Sad stupid wretch.

Has Her Own Money...Check. Two Legs...Check.

Paul McCartney had a look at girlfriend Nancy Shevell's finances, counted up her limbs and decided she is worth marrying. Dude just likes being married I guess. Plus he probably figures he won't live long enough for this one to rob him like that last one did. Clock's ticking on the cute one.

Just Stay Home

These guys know good and well they're not going to win anything this year, yet they insist on dragging their sour-looking selves out to every awards presentation, apparently laboring under the belief that we would miss them were they to do otherwise. Wrong. We wouldn't. We're sick of them. Especially her. Memo to Angelina: Next time choose a dress that doesn't seem to accentuate the spindliness of your arms. You look like the old, dead, gnarled tree that used to scare the bejeebers out of me when I was a kid. Why my mother wouldn't just put a curtain up in that window is beyond me.

It's Not Her

Sure, that was the real Katie Holmes at the SAG Awards last night. And I'm Jake Gyllenhaal's bike seat.

Sexy Bollywood Actress New Pictures, Photos & Wallpapers