James Haven likes to talk about his sister Angelina Jolie - a lot. In fact, I think she's the only thing he ever does talk about. Or think about. Actually, I don't think James really has any existence outside of his sister, which is kind of sad. She isn't really all that interesting. But, to him she is - so interesting that, every chance he gets, he yammers to one magazine or another about what a magnificent creature she is, and gives some wacky explanation for why she does stuff. Lately, James has been talking a lot about Angelina's health - specifically, the fact that she looks almost as frail and skinny as Nicole Richie. He seems obsessed with the subject. Mostly, he keeps insisting that Angie's weight-loss is related to the death of their mother Marcheline Bertrand, who was apparently the most stupendous being who ever existed, next to Angie. But, James has other explanations for Angie's frailness too. In fact he's concocted quite a doozy, which he gave to the British magazine Closer in an interview. According to James, Angie's weight-loss is actually partly related to her charity work in third-world countries. You see, Angie's eating habits are not the same as they used to be, and James knows why. Says James:
Angie visited Ethiopia and it changed her life. It's hard for her to go home to a very expensive restaurant and order freely.
Picture it: Angelina sitting in The Ivy or some other swanky restaurant. She wants to order that crowned rack of lamb, but then she remembers some poor little waif she saw, his belly all distended from the gases and flies buzzing around his face, and she just can't bring herself to do it. So she tells the waiter to bring her a sprig of parsley and a saltine instead. Oh, Angelina - you are such a sensitive being. Even your gastronomic tendencies are dictated by your deep and abiding love for all the poor, downtrodden (non-white) people of the world. I bet you can't even take a proper shit, can you, because every time you sit on that clean white toilet you think of some wretched orphan taking a dump in a muddy hole full of nasty bacteria and your sphincter just cinches shut like a Glad bag. My goodness, Angelina - what callous, unfeeling creatures the rest of us must be, filling our faces while the poor orphans are starving. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves, going on with our privileged, blob-like lives while so many suffer. But, thankfully, we have you to show us the light, Angelina. You endure your sympathy-anorexia so the rest of us might see. Now we appreciate how truly horrible and thoughtless we are for not living the way you do. Not devoting our lives to accumulating a family of color-coordinated adopted children. And jetting around the world to have our pictures taken in various examples of local garb while our bodyguards busy themselves roughing up anyone who gets too close. And making movies like Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Tomb Raider, which contribute so much to the betterment of human-kind. You, Angelina, truly are an exalted being. In fact, I think it's possible that you may be Jesus - with tits.
(source)
