Keira Knightley - Yup, She's Pissed Again

Foodophobic actress Keira Knightley is once again cheesed that people keep beefing about her weight. Said Keira in a Reuters interview:

It's really frustrating, and particularly when you come to Venice film festival with a film that is an intelligent film. It's a thought-provoking film you can have a really good discussion about. I think it was just a shame that that had to be brought up then, and the fact that we all knew that it was going to be brought up.

The film she's referring to is called Atonement. Apparently it's a heavy piece of work. Or at least Keira thinks it is. You know, a really meaty film. Full of flesh and gristle. Food for your brain. And speaking of food - no, I'm not going to go there. Keira is so right. We spend too much time focusing on meaningless things like the way people look. We should talk about serious, important things like Keira's new movie. And what a wonderful actress Keira is. And how lucky we are to have people in the world like Keira who are willing to work so hard to make good, thought-provoking films like this one, and get paid millions of dollars to do so.

Of course, one wonders, when one is making millions of dollars, why one would choose to go around looking like one were dying of starvation. One would think that, with all her money, Keira would be able to hire a good nutritionist. But, we shouldn't focus on that frivolous stuff. Instead we should bask in the glory of Keira's talent, and the wonderful movie she has made. Oh Keira - thank you for the marvelous gift you have given the world.

Yes Keira, you are so generous. And now I want to give you a gift in return. It's a cheesecake. Yes, I know, you're not going to eat it - but I wanted to give it to you anyway, as a token of gratitude for all you've done.

Sorry, I'm being frivolous again. I apologize.

Damn, that is one frightening bitch. Seriously - that bitch could go to Ethiopia, and the natives would start giving her what little food they have, cause they felt so sorry for her. That bitch could go down to the worst part of Calcutta and the starving beggars would be like, "Damn, look at that poor, skinny bitch over there. Let's give her our last handful of rancid rice."

I know, I'm silly. I apologize. Especially to Keira. From now on I will be sure to take her as seriously as she takes herself.

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Masi Oka Is No Pervert (He Says)

Heroes star Masi Oka became indignant when asked by British reporters whether he has a crush on tarty little co-star Hayden Panettiere. Ranted Oka:

I'd like to remind you she's only 18. She was born in 1989. My God! I remember 1989 - I was in high school. And yet I heard she was number six in your 100 Sexiest Poll. What are you guys in the U.K.? A bunch of perverts or something?

Gosh, I hope Masi was joking - otherwise he's going to have a hard time explaining himself. Cause, you see, the poll he refers to was conducted by FHM magazine. Yes, the same FHM that featured Mr. Oka on its cover, being rubbed against by the aforementioned Ms. Panettiere. Masi hon - you're cute and we love you, but even guys who play super-smart sword-wielding heroes on TV don't get to have their cake and eat it too.

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Poor, Pitiful Aniston...

We all knew someone like this in school - that pathetic, socially-awkward wretch who would make friends with the cool kids by buying them stuff (never realizing, apparently, that the cool kids were only being nice to them because they wanted more stuff). Not everyone, it appears, gives up that ploy once junior high comes to a close - some find it so effective that they continue the practice well into adulthood, even middle-age. Jennifer Aniston, I'm sad to report, is one such loser.

Jennifer, it seems, has raised buying buddies to an art-form. The actress, who hasn't done squat worth mentioning since Friends went off the air, has become well-known in Hollywood for setting up lavish vacations, inviting people to go with her and then paying for everything - even clothes. Said a source:

She's like the sugar daddy everyone wishes they had, except she's a woman! You could call her sugar mama!

Or you could call her a sad excuse for a human being.

Of course, Jennifer has found plenty of people willing to pretend they like her in exchange for trips and swag. Courteney Cox and David Arquette were recently photographed hanging out in Hawaii with Aniston on Jen's dime, and such lesser-known individuals as Andrea Bendwald, Kristin Hahn and Jennifer's yoga instructor have also accepted her irresistible invitations. One wonders, given the success of Jennifer's efforts at friend-buying, why she doesn't just try the same thing on men. Hell, she could probably nab Brandon Davis for the price of lunch and a pedicure.

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Angie Takes The Blob To The Park

Angelina took all the kiddies out to the park yesterday - including Shiloh. I guess she decided the Blob wouldn't contaminate the precious adopted children with her icky privilegedness after all. Damn, that kid looks retarded. I think she and Sean Preston should have a play-date. They could torture one of Britney's dogs together, then have ice cream, then maybe smoke some ciggies and play with Angie's knife collection.

Oh, Britney...

And you expect people not to talk shit about you?

Toasted Sienna

Sienna Miller and her live-in couch potato Rhys Ifans went out to the pub and hoisted a few. I don't know about you, but I'd have to be at least three sheets to the wind before I'd let that Ifans character climb on top of me.



"Did you just call me David Lee Roth? That's a fucking insult. I have much more hair that David Lee Roth. Don't think you can just go around calling people David Lee Roth when they've clearly got more hair than David Lee Roth. And another thing...where the hell are my glasses? Bloody hell. David Lee Roth wouldn't be treated like this, I tell you that."

Heather Mills - Still An Asshole

We haven't heard much from Heather Mills lately - but rest assured, the one-legged gold-digging whore is still out there making a supreme nuisance of herself. Lately the pogo-slag, whose much-touted appearance on Dancing With the Stars failed to make her a big deal in America, has been renting a mansion in the East Hamptons, and causing local authorities plenty of headaches by parking her rented Bentley anywhere she pleases. Said a source to Page 6:

She's parking in front of fire hydrants and in handicapped zones without a handicapped tag.

Mills tried getting out of one of the recent tickets by popping off her plastic leg and waving it around in front of a cop - but thankfully the cop didn't buy it. Reportedly, the oh-so-mature Ms. Mills waited for the policeman to turn his back, then stuck her tongue out at him. Dear Jesus, why couldn't that motorcycle have run over that bitch's head instead of her leg?

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Dirtbag Smackdown: Coogan v. Love

Courtney Love let a big, nasty, scratching cat out of the bag when she accused Steve Coogan of turning Owen Wilson into a drug-addicted mess. Now Coogan has grown claws of his own and is coming back at Courtney. Said Coogan to Access Hollywood:

I do want to set the record straight and say that the allegations . . . are completely and utterly false.

Coogan followed this up by telling BlackBook magazine editor Steve Garbarino that Love used to stalk him. A friend of Courtney's fired back:

He has stalked Courtney over the years. ... He has gone to her house on several occasions. He e-mailed her nanny. He asked her to marry him and told her, "You're the most intriguing woman alive." You name it. His saying Courtney ever stalked him is the biggest lie ever! He has done nothing but go out of his way to hurt her. He's obsessed with her.

And these two used to go out. Those must've been some interesting dates. Kind of sad, these two obviously pathetic, attention-starved idiots using Owen Wilson's misfortune as an excuse to snipe at each other in public. I wouldn't give you a nickel for either one of them.

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Update: Paris And Greasy - Still Pals?

Paris Hilton hung out with Brandon Davis last night. Judging by this pic, I'd say Brandon asked Paris to borrow him some coke money. Either that or he scolded her for not letting his brother Gummi into her beach-party this weekend. Or maybe Paris, in a rare moment of self-reflection, just realized how empty her life was. Nah, he hit her up for cash. Broke-ass dirtball.

Update: Apparently it was Greasy's birthday last night. Someone scraped together the money to throw him a party at Mr. Chow. Paris did her duty by showing up, but split as soon as possible. Here's some funny video of Paris fleeing in her Bentley, leaving poor Greasy in the street:





Dude - take a hint.

Update: An Umbrella That Turned Into A Robot. Now That Would Be...Lame

Rihanna and Shia? Yes, this is the latest hot celeb couple. The sex-kitteny songstress who brought us "Umbrella" was seen having lunch with the Transformers and Indiana Jones 4 star in Beverly Hills, and now all Hollywood's talking about them. Reportedly, the two have actually been dating for months, but have done a good job of staying under the radar. Now all the paps will be on the look-out for these two. Good luck, you kooky kids.

P.S. - Shia. Do you think you could try a little harder to not seem like a dork?

(source)

Update: Rihanna denies she is dating Shia, and claims she "barely knows him." This means they are fucking like animals even as we speak.

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Paltrow Braves America

"What are you looking at, uncouth American photographer? How dare you point your dirty, disgusting, uncultured camera at me. Be gone ye ill-favored swine, lest your ghastliness cause me to regurgitate my sensible and healthy mid-day meal."

Gwyneth Paltrow in New York.

Amy And Blake On Vacay

Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are on vacation in the Caribbean. They have gone there mostly to get away from their families, who keep insisting they stop doing drugs and trying to kill each other. The party-poopers.



"Remember when you were bombed out of your mind on drugs, and you said, 'Don't put your hand on my back or I'll rip your intestines out and use them as a jump-rope?' Ha. You were so fucked-up that night."



"It's called the sun, Amy. Yes, it's always been there. And that blue stuff around it - that's called the sky. Yes, sober people notice these things all the time. It's wild."

Rattlesnake!

"I ain't afraid of no snakes. I choke 'em to death with my bare hands, then bite the heads off and suck out the sweet, sweet snake-juice. That's how I get my pecs to gleam like this. I am so fucking manly."

Matthew McConaughey jogs through the hills.

Jessica Simpson Is Jealous - Again

Dirty preacher's daughter Jessica Simpson is jealous over the romance between ex-boyfriend John Mayer and his new squeeze, dog-faced Cameron Diaz. Jessica, we remember, was with Mayer for months before their relationship literally crumbled before our very eyes. It didn't take long for John to get back on the horse that threw him, but Jessica has remained single - and continues carrying a torch for John, according to her friends.

What, I ask, is the mysterious power of Mayer? Why is Jessica Simpson so smitten with him that, rather than use her tits charms to get a new man, she prefers wallowing in jealous misery, pining for him all the while? That must be some sweet man-meat John is sporting. Well, too bad for Jessica - cause he's shoving it in Cameron Diaz's various orifices now instead of hers. Oh, how happy those orifices must be too. How Jessica wishes those orifices were her orifices. But her orifices are hopelessly lonely - especially her favorite one, the one the poo-poo comes out of.

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Lohan Flunks Drug Test

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly failed a drug test administered by the medical director at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah, where the troubled starlet has spent the weeks since her last DUI arrest. According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay was called into the director's office and ordered to take the test. The first hint that something might've been up came when Lindsay "screamed and cursed" at the medical director. The test has since come back positive, and Lohan has been warned by the center that if she doesn't stay clean she will be thrown out.

The terms of Lohan's probation, as outlined last week after she pled out of numerous misdemeanor charges, included a line about "staying away from all narcotics." No one thought Lindsay had a hope in hell of remaining drug-free for the three years required by the probation, but we did all at least think she might actually finish rehab before starting back in again. Alas, Lohan has so little control over herself that it doesn't look like she'll even make it to the end of the year before violating the hell out of that probation. So all of you who were disappointed that Lindsay only got a one-day jail sentence - just be patient; you'll get your wish.

(source)

Dancing With The Stars Becomes Even Lamer

Apparently someone was messing with us when they leaked that list of the participants for the new Dancing With the Stars. Now, the real, official roster has been released - and it is even lamer than the fake one. The updated line-up:

Aaron Carter - Most losery member of the Carter clan
Wayne Newton - Fake-faced Vegas fixture
Mark Cuban - Some rich guy with nothing better to do
Jane Seymour - Not the third wife of Henry VIII
Tori Spelling - Candy's precious little angel
Jennie Garth - That other blonde chick from 90210
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. - Guy who punches people in the face for a living
Lou Ferrigno - Muscle-bound retard
Nia Peeples - Some random chick
Richard Quest - Limey homo reporter
Gisele Bundchen - Steven Spielberg lookalike
Helio Castroneves - Race-car driver who keeps it on the track (unlike Nick Hogan)
Sabrina Bryan - Blonde with large breasts
Josie Moran - Model who is not Gisele
Cameron Mathison - Scary glowering freak
Mel B. - Lesbian wack-job
Marie Osmond - Mormon
Albert Reed - Even he doesn't know who he is

So the only interesting subplot, the whole Tori Spelling v. Jennie Garth 90210 alum showdown, is gone. Leaving us with nothing but speculation as to which woman Wayne Newton will hit on first. That's some scintillating TV folks.

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Keira Knightley Sucks In Her Face

Keira Knightley is at the Venice Film Festival with her new movie Atonement. Congratulations Keira - you have now achieved that magical state of ill-health where people are both concerned for you and frankly creeped out. Sorry, but slapping a bunch of make-up on doesn't help the fact that you now look like Maria Shriver's even freakier older sister. Yes, you may have exquisite bone structure, but that doesn't mean we want to see every little tiny detail of it. The flesh is there for a reason - so we don't lose our lunch every time you walk through.



So ghoulishness is in this season? I'll make a note of it.

Fergie Can't Handle Kiddie Rides

Man-faced pop-star Fergie decided to have a little fun at the Minnesota State Fair, where she recently gave a performance - unfortunately, her fun ended up being no fun for the other fair-goers, who got to witness the spectacle of a rich and famous person puking their guts out. Said a shocked bystander:

My daughter decided that she wanted to go down the "giant slide." We were waiting in line on the steps going up to the top of the slide, we look up at the top and there is Fergie with 3-4 big body guard types about to go down the slide. ... Me and my daughter stood there and watched as the Fug went down the slide...then Fergie gets to the bottom and blows chunks! Everywhere!

They had to close the slide down for about 20-30 minutes to get it cleaned up. She didn't even say sorry or anything, she just got up and her and the bodyguards left.

Jesus Fergie - you can't hold your pee-pee and poo-poo long enough to get through a two-hour stage show, and now you can't go down a kiddie-slide without hurling all over the rabble? That meth messed you up bad, didn't it? Your insides are like some crazy factory where everything's going ten times faster than normal and the workers can't keep up. Shit. Stay off the slides from now on, all right? Stick to the little pony spring riders. And stop dumping sand down the back of little Susie's dress too, okay? That shit might've been cute when you were six, but not now.

(source)

Michael Finally Gets To See Lindsay

After years of bitter wrangling, ex-con Michael Lohan will finally be having a face-to-face meeting with estranged daughter Lindsay. The reunion, according to Page 6, was the brain-child of Lindsay's older brother Michael, who was obviously paid off by their father. Papa Michael, it's reported, will travel to Lindsay's rehab in Utah later this week for the get together, which will take place under the watchful eye of counselors and snipers. Lindsay's mom Dina has apparently signed-off on the whole thing. Said a family friend:

Dina thinks it is a good idea. Lindsay needs to deal with this and needs closure.

Yes, closure. And the perfect way for her to get it, once and for all, would be to whip out a concealed shiv and stick the bastard right in the temple. Oh, that would be sweet.

(source)

Courtney Love Insinuates Herself Into Owen Wilson Story

Courtney Love has managed to work the Owen Wilson unpleasantness in a positive, publicity-grabbing way for herself. The rocker, who in recent years has become a poster child for bad plastic surgery, says that her former boyfriend, Brit actor Steve Coogan, was to blame for Owen's downward spiral into drug addiction and attempted suicide, and that she herself attempted to warn Owen to stay away from the man. Very noble of you Courtney. And how predictable of you to toot your own horn about it, now that Owen is in detox.

Here's what Courtney had to say:

I went through it with Steve. ... I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. ... I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends ... I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy.

Not a ringing endorsement of Mr. Coogan. And apparently Courtney wasn't the only one with negative feelings about the actor. Owen's ex-girlfriend Kate Hudson also disliked him, and forbade him to enter their home. Damn - this Coogan sounds like the Grim Reaper himself. Of course he's now defending himself against Love's allegations. Said Coogan's rep:

These accusations are unfounded, unhelpful and hurtful to all concerned. ... We are taking legal advice.

And well you should, Steve Coogan's rep. Because Courtney is obviously just bitter that she no longer has access to Steve and his drugs, and is using all this as an occasion to get revenge on him by defaming his character. Besides, the whole thing is silly on the face of it. Is Owen Wilson not a grown man? Can he not make up his mind for himself whom he hangs around with? Love makes Wilson sound like a poor, impressionable high school kid who's fallen in with a bad crowd and needs to be rescued. Give us a break Courtney. Coogan may be an asshole, but Wilson is responsible for his own life. If he can't hold it together, that's on him. Besides, I'm sure Owen doesn't want you helping him. We know how things ended up when you tried helping that other lost soul Kurt Cobain. Owen may be depressed, but I'm certain he has no desire to end up having his head blown off.

(source)(source)

Britney Gets Cheeky

Britney Spears had an eventful day yesterday. First, she put this dress on. Oh, it shows my butt-cheeks? Tee-hee. Second, she ran out of gas in the middle of traffic in Beverly Hills and had to be pushed by the cops. This is why the Beverly Hills Police Department formed that special Britney Spears emergency unit. Then, after all that, dumb bitch went and got herself a parking ticket. I don't know what the record actually is for most unpaid parking tickets accumulated, but I've got a sneaking hunch Britney's getting close.

Angie Weeps, Brad Chills

Angelina visits the refugees in Iraq. She didn't win an Oscar for nothing.



Meanwhile, Brad takes a horse-drawn carriage ride with Zahara. Being from Africa, Zahara becomes confused any time she sees a horse or cow that isn't emaciated, shit-covered and swarming with flies.

Rudolph In Hiding

Britney Spears's former manager Larry Rudolph has elected to take it on the lam rather than be served with a subpoena by Kevin Federline's aggressive team of lawyers. Here is the statement Mr. Rudolph released today:

Despite the things that Britney has publicly said about our relationship in the past, I truly understand where she’s coming from and why she’s said the things she said about me post rehab and I don’t take it personally. As her former manager, I know and understand Britney better than anyone, I know what makes her tick and I understand everything she’s going through. With that being said, my loyalty will always stay strong with Britney. I have consulted with my lawyers and I do understand that eventually the time will come when they will find me, but until then, I’m trying to avoid being brought into this mess. She’s going through so much right now and I wish Britney the best.

Were Mr. Rudolph to be deposed by Federline's lawyers, he would be required to say everything he knows about Britney's parenting habits - so what does it mean that Rudolph would rather hide out than have to tell the truth? Does he know things that would damage Britney's custody case?

I don't know any more than anyone else about whether Britney is really a good parent - all we have to go on are rumors and tabloid stories and other equally dubious claims. However, it does seem to me that, if Britney were a wonderful mother, these people would have no hesitation in telling Federline's lawyers all about it. But Rudolph refuses to even deal with it, and we all saw Alli Sims's over-the-top reaction to being served with her subpoena. And now another bizarre story: Last night, Federline's people, including the ex-Israeli commando his lawyers have hired as muscle, tried serving some man named Sam Osama Lufti, whose exact connection to Spears is not known. Lufti, realizing what was happening, tried fleeing in his Mercedes, but only succeeded in smashing into some cars that were barricading his driveway.

No one, it seems, wants to be deposed in this case - and it can't all be chalked up to "not wanting to be dragged into it," as Rudolph claims. These people all know something, and Federline's lawyers know they know. And some of them are willing to go to absurd lengths to avoid having to tell what they know.

One day the whole truth will come out, and I suspect it will be ugly.

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Angelina Goes To Iraq

Meddling twit Angelina Jolie has flown to Iraq to "witness firsthand" the humanitarian crisis taking place there. The actress, in her capacity as a UN spokesperson, arrived in Damascus, Syria on Monday, and met with some displaced Iraqis (who no doubt begged her to adopt them). She then crossed the border into Iraq and poked around in a refugee camp currently housing about 1200 people. Jolie also "met privately" with troops in the area. Uh-huh. Yeah baby. What the fuck am I talking about?

Here was Jolie's official statement:

I have come to Syria and Iraq to help draw attention to the humanitarian crisis and to urge governments to increase their support for UNHCR and its partners. My sole purpose in both countries is to highlight the plight of those uprooted by the war in Iraq.

Yes Angie - you have drawn attention to the humanitarian crisis. Now everyone is going to be talking about it because of you. Actually, no - they're not going to talk about the crisis; they're only going to talk about you. Because whenever you do something, you yourself are the central issue. Maybe that's not the way you want it to be, but that's the way it is. The refugees and other downtrodden people will always finish second to you, and what you're wearing, and what Brad thinks of all this, and how noble some people find you to be, and how phony and self-serving others accuse you of being. So, in all honesty, isn't this "calling attention to the crisis" thing really just a crock of shit? It doesn't work when the star doing the attention-calling, by her very presence, overshadows the crisis. Sorry, but this is the fatal flaw in the whole celebs shining a light on the world's troubles argument. That way of helping isn't any help. The star ends up getting publicity, and the poor refugees end up still eating dirt.

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Unknown Wilson "Pal" Drove Him To Suicide Attempt

Actor Owen Wilson, whose proboscis and penis are apparently interchangeable, is alleged to have been in some kind of dust-up with a friend in the hours before his suicide attempt by wrist-slashing and pill-scarfing. The friend's name is not known, nor is there any detail as to what they may have been fighting about. I'm going to go with lover's quarrel, how about you? Owen Wilson's secret gay life. Yeah, that'll fly.

Meanwhile, friends of Wilson continue insisting that he's a good guy. A sample testimonial:

It's hard. He's such a wonderful person. ... He's such a great guy and so smart and just . . . nice. We're just hoping he gets better.

Translation: The next time the fucker tries killing himself, I hope he calls me over so I can hold his head under a bucket of water to make sure he's finished off. Hey, I think I just thought of a job for Michael Vick now that his football career is over.

It's also been revealed, suddenly, that Owen's life has been marred by bouts of depression. Yes, Owen Wilson is not the happy-go-lucky fellow we always thought he was - he has deep, dark, terrible secrets. Whatever. I still say he got upset over the Kate Hudson/Dax Shepard supermarket face-suck pictures. How guilty must those two feel? Again, we are shown the evils of groping in public. If those assholes had kept it to themselves, Owen may never have been pushed over the edge.

(source)

Paul McCartney Picks One With All Her Limbs

Legendary stump-fan Paul McCartney was seen engaged in an intimate chat with mush-faced actress Renee Zellweger at a Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers show in The Hamptons over the weekend. Said a source:

Renée smiled and laughed and hung on McCartney's very word. She has a history of dating musicians and he's a legend, and single. He is also known to have a thing for younger women - and blondes.

Paul is also known to enjoy chicks whose limb-count doesn't reach the standard four. But those days are past him apparently - lately he's been seen going around with Christie Brinkley, and now the stuff with Renee. Both two-leggers. Although, in Renee's case, it's hard to tell if those are her real legs or bendy sticks. Bitch is getting skinny.

Friends of McCartney, by the way, insist his talk with Renee at the concert was innocent and friendly. Christie Brinkley, who was also at the event, did not see it that way however - she was reportedly "seething" at how much attention Paul was lavishing on Zellweger. Oh Paul, to be your age and still have the young babes fighting over you. Must be a boost to the ego. Although, for you, the most important thing is to just know you still have any kind of feeling at all down there. Yup, still works. Jolly good. Cuppa tea. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.

(source)

Pitt Flees Paps

Yes, of course - they saw Angelina coming.

Update: Britney Spears Is Being Investigated For Child Abuse

The L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services has begun conducting an investigation into allegations of child abuse against Britney Spears. Details are few thus far, but we do know that Britney and Kevin Federline's respective lawyers were called to court today for an unscheduled hearing, which included an attorney from the Los Angeles County Counsel. The exact whereabouts of Ms. Spears are not known, but she was pulled over by police on her way to Vegas this weekend, so it's possible she is still there. Kevin Federline, meanwhile, is in North Carolina shooting a guest spot on the TV show One Tree Hill. X17 has pictures of Sean Preston and Jayden James being taken care of by Britney's parents Jamie and Lynne at Federline's home in Tarzana over the weekend. The Crabster will try to stay up-to-date on more details as they come in, so we can all amuse ourselves at poor embattled Britney's expense.

(source)

Update: The Britney child abuse investigation, it's been revealed, mostly involves charges we're familiar with - the stuff about her not taking care of her kids' teeth, and keeping them up late at night so they'll sleep late in the morning, hence allowing her to sleep in. Similar complaints have been filed previously by Britney's mom unknown persons - going all the way back to when Britney and Kevin Federline were still together. So, I guess Britney's not the only bad parent in this equation.

(source)

New Dancing With The Stars Season Promises Greater Lameness

The cast of would-be hoofers for the new season of Dancing With the Stars wasn't supposed to be announced until Wednesday, but somebody decided to leak the news early, and now TMZ has passed it on to all of us. The roster of dancers for this year doesn't include any one-legged fame-whores like Heather Mills, but it does feature a whole lot of people you thought were dead, broke, living in the wilderness somewhere or just plain never heard of. Here's the line-up:

Aaron Carter - Most losery member of the Carter clan
Wayne Newton - Fake-faced Vegas fixture
Mark Cuban - Some rich guy with nothing better to do
Jane Seymour - Not the third wife of Henry VIII
Tori Spelling - Candy's precious little angel
Jennie Garth - That other blonde chick from 90210
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. - Guy who punches people in the face for a living
Lou Ferrigno - Muscle-bound retard
Nia Peeples - Some random chick
Richard Quest - Limey homo reporter
Gisele Bundchen - Steven Spielberg lookalike
Helio Castroneves - Race-car driver who keeps it on the track (unlike Nick Hogan)
Sabrina Bryan - Blonde with large breasts

Not all of the above are guaranteed to participate - some are merely subs who will jump in should one of the others be injured. The early favorite has got to be Gisele, who will just fuck all the judges, male and female. If I were one of the other women, and wanted to take some attention away from the model, I might consider having a limb whacked off - you know, for the pity points.

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Gummi Now Friendless

Jason Davis, aka Gummi Bear, never had great social prospects to begin with - but now they've gone away entirely, because the only person willing to party with him, Paris Hilton, has told him to get lost.

Gummi, who's been a fixture all summer at Paris's Malibu beach parties, showed up this weekend for another round of lounging in the sun like a dying cetacean, but was informed by Paris's people that he was no longer welcome. The explanation? Gummi has recently been plagued by a staph infection, and Paris didn't want the killer bacteria leaping from his slowly rotting carcass and onto the bodies of her guests, particularly the pregnant ones. An enraged Gummi stormed to the home of a neighbor and began texting Paris, but to no avail.

Life has been hard lately for Gummi - first we learned that his family had cut him and equally repulsive brother Brandon off, then the staph infection, then Paris telling him to stay away from her party. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for the poor, fat, stupid bastard. Almost.

(source)

Not To Rub It In Owen, But...

...now there's video too.

Jesus Christ - just pay for your fricking groceries.

Way to ignore the paps by the way. Try to go easy putting the carts away though, Dax. It's easy to pinch a finger that way.

We Finally Found Something That Makes Zahara Smile...

Being carried by Brad. Yup, that would do it.



Brad looks like he's enjoying himself.



Pax is grinning from ear-to-ear.

Where's Angelina?

How come they all look so happy when she's not there?

Owen Wilson Probably Tried To Kill Himself

Word from tabloid land is that Owen Wilson's unfortunate drug-overdose episode was the result of a suicide attempt. Details are sketchy at this point, but apparently, one of Wilson's family members - perhaps his less-interesting brother Luke - discovered the actor in his Santa Monica home with slit wrists and an empty pill-bottle nearby. Oh dear - if the Crabster had a nickel for every time someone's found me like that, I'd have enough money to do away with myself properly.

Just kidding - the Crabster doesn't believe in suicide. Unless it's someone lame who deserves to die. Owen's lame but I don't hate him enough for me to wish him dead. He just sort of annoys me - but not so much now that he's away from that harlot Kate Hudson. And speaking of Hudson - is it just a coincidence that, on the same morning those pictures of Kate and Dax Shepard smooching in the grocery store popped up on the web, Kate's ex-boyfriend Owen tried to off himself? Wow - Owen must be really distraught about losing Kate. Way more distraught than you would expect a guy to be when he's still young and famous and rich and can easily get a much more interesting woman. But, love is a bitch I guess. It makes us do crazy, irrational things. Hopefully, Owen will be able to put this behind him and go back to riding the coattails of more popular stars like Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. Get well soon penis-nose.

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Owen Wilson Taken To Hospital

Actor Owen Wilson has been taken to the hospital for treatment of what has been described as "a very serious condition." It's not fair to speculate without knowing the facts, but it was probably a drug overdose.

TMZ reports that, at 12:10 pm local time today, police responded to a medical assistance call from the Santa Monica fire department. Wilson, star of Shanghai Noon, was transported to St. John's hospital where, Perez Hilton says, police and a "high-profile" attorney were waiting for him. Wilson's situation was "grave" at first, but he has since been upgraded, and transported to another hospital. The Enquirer claims to have been told by inside sources that Wilson will be detoxed, though his reps plan on blaming dehydration.

A buck says Owen saw those pictures of Kate Hudson sucking on Dax Shepard and just couldn't take it.

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Tom Brady Is A Hot Hunk

Tom Brady is this week's Dotspotter hot hunk. He's a football player, but as far as I know he's not a dog-murderer, so that's good. I think Tom's got a little Matt Damon vibe going only he's better-looking than Matt and not quite as naggingly pubescent. Gisele Bundchen certainly seems to like him - and Bridget Moynahan did before he knocked her up and dumped her. Oh, you dirty, dirty dog Tom. Well at least you showed up for the birth. You didn't spike something and do a dance after the kid came out did you? That would've been...awkward.

Paris Gives The Extensions A Rest

Paris decided to hit the Malibu Beach House without her extensions. She did remember to wear her huge-ass ring with the "H" engraved in it. That's her way of telling everyone she's a "hore." Yeah, she doesn't know how to spell it.

Kate Hudson And Dax Shepard Make Me Ill

Someone needs to tell Kate Hudson and Dax Shepard that the produce section of their local supermarket is not the appropriate place to start groping each other. People are in there shopping for cantaloupes and red peppers, and they've got to look up and see these two animals.



Here they are in the canned foods, at it again. What, they decided to christen every god damn aisle? I'd pay a thousand dollars to see that Starbucks cup burst open and scalding-hot hazelnut coffee splash all over these two idiots.


"I really dig you Dax. You're a really cool guy. You're fucking around on me aren't you? That's okay, I expect it. You're a man. By the way, I'm fucking around on you too. You know that guy who was just putting out the Spaghetti-Os? Yeah, in the back room about three days ago. His cock is way bigger than yours. But you make me laugh. No, when you tell jokes. What did you think I meant, honeykins?"

Angie Takes The Kids To Central Park

Pax, Maddox and Zahara got treated to a nice trip to Central Park with their mommy. See kids? Aren't you glad you don't have to live in your various shithole birth countries anymore? Now you get to walk around the park with your crazy mommy and a bodyguard. Zahara is just glaring at Pax there. How come she doesn't get the funny star-glasses? Only Asian kids get the star-glasses? What the fuck is that? And speaking of dirty looks:



Pax does not seem happy with his Asian "brother" Maddox here. There have been stories recently that the two boys scuffle a lot - some kind of Jolie-Pitt family turf war. So much for balance and harmony. One of these kids is going to kill one of the others some day, probably with one of mommy's knives.

Britney Spears Pulled Over

Fun-loving Britney Spears decided to take a road trip to Vegas, so she threw on a wig and hat, grabbed a couple of male dancers for company and sped off in her Mercedes. The fun got interrupted though when Britney was pulled over by the Highway Patrol. When asked by the cops why she'd been speeding, Britney claimed she was being chased by photographers - because we all know Britney runs away whenever she sees photographers.

The gullible cops decided to let Britney off with a warning. This despite the fact that Britney made them follow her for a mile after they put their lights on. The good news, I guess, is that Britney gave the cops no reason to suspect her of being under the influence of anything. So she was sober for once. Sober enough to talk her way out of a ticket at least. God, that picture - I can just hear her whining, pathetic little voice. Why couldn't the cops have just run the bitch off the road, badly injuring her, then finished her off with their flashlights? They would've been heroes.

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Ladies And Gentleman, I Give You The World's Dumbest Woman

Mario Lopez is so marrying that chick.

Orlando Bloom - A Video What The Fuh?

The Japanese are different from us. And Orlando - stop pretending, okay sweetie? We know.

Britney Back In Action

Britney's back on the club scene after a few days in hiding. It's funny when Britney decides to take time off from being seen, because everyone starts speculating wildly as to what's going on with her. This time everyone said she flew to Europe, but she never went. And another piece of wackiness concerning Britney - those alleged drug lollies. A toilet attendant at Winston's insists those are just Jolly Rancher pops - he says Britney grabs them by the handful from the bowls they leave out in the john, and the club doesn't mind because Britney's such a good tipper. I suppose it's always possible that this person is lying and those really are drug lollies, but it's also possible that Britney got wind of the drug-lolli rumor and is now just teasing us.

And in more Britney news...so Criss Angel says he and Britney have only a professional relationship, and yet, Britney has been seen going to his hotel at 2 in the morning again. All right, so maybe they are just working out a routine for the VMA's - you know, maybe Criss is just the nocturnal sort and 2 am is the only time Britney can get to see him. Or, maybe they are having hot lame-o sex.

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Mary-Kate Likes Top Hats

Yup, Mary-Kate Olsen is the Queen of Style. I can tell because, from the neck up, she looks like she's headed to some decadent '20s soiree, and from the neck down she looks like she just went apeshit at a flea market. You have to be a style genius to put together an ensemble like that.

Update: Brad And Angie In NY

Angelina has taken the circus to New York. As far as I know Brad is still in New Orleans. The kids are with Angie. Zahara's doing her usual stare-down thing. I hurt my thumb earlier. Who wants pie?

Update:


Yes, Brad's in New York with Angie and the kids after all. I should've known Angie wouldn't let Brad out of her sight for long. She knows he'll fuck around on her if she gives him too much freedom. She doesn't want to make the same mistake Aniston made. Am I the only one who thinks Pax is close to a nervous breakdown?