Bollywood heavyweights Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai are set to marry April 20 in a small private ceremony at Bachchan's home in suburban Mumbai. The couple, adorably referred to as Aish-Abhi by the Indian press, has long been rumored to be on the track toward marriage, but many speculated the nuptials would never take place because of the dark astrological clouds hovering over Rai, who is believed by some to be cursed. So concerned about this curse is Rai, in fact, that earlier this year she reportedly married a tree as part of some ancient Hindu ceremony, and was later sued because this ritual has long been banned for being "offensive to women." Rai of course denies being married to a tree - I mean, who the hell wouldn't deny that? I'd sooner admit to being married to Andy Dick than a tree. Um - actually, I take that back. I'd be less embarrassed to be married to a tree.
By the way, if Aishwarya is in fact married to a tree, and then she marries Bachchan, doesn't that make her a bigamist? What kind of penalties are there in India for bigamy? I'm guessing they must be pretty harsh. I mean, if you can be chucked in jail for three years for not taking your shoes off, what the hell happens to you if you marry a human while technically being the wife of a piece of vegetation? They probably stretch you on the rack for that or maybe bury you up to your neck and stone you to death. Oh no, I'm sorry - they don't do either of those things, do they? This is India. If you're a woman and you break the law, they just douse you with gasoline and flick matches at you till you go up. Cause that's how civilized people deal with things. They immolate women who are bigamists, whose first husband is a tree. Oh boy...
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