Suri Walks

Katie Holmes helps daughter Suri cross the street. Of course, Suri has been walking since three minutes after she exited Katie's mechanical womb, so this is no big deal. Still cute though.

Jake And Reese Still Together. Sly Dogs.

You can throw out all those Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon aren't together anymore stories, cause they're obviously still together. Either that or they've begun carpooling. I personally don't see what Jake sees in Reese - I guess he just likes phony little dwarves who eat penises for lunch.

Britney's Waning Clout

The only person who doesn't seem to realize Britney Spears is over is Britney Spears. This weekend, Britney showed up at the Wynn Las Vegas hotel hoping to have a little R&R with the kiddies (because otherwise their lives are so strenuous), and in typical pop-star fashion, started making all sorts of silly demands. Britney, it's reported, wanted the hotel to baby- and puppy-proof her room by covering the furniture, curtains and carpets in plastic. Then, Britney started hitting up various places around town, including Circus Circus and Siegfried & Roy's Miracle Garden with its baby dolphin, asking them to close down so she and her kids could enjoy them in peace and privacy. When all was said and done, though, Britney wound up being chucked out of the Wynn Las Vegas (in part because her bodyguard beat up a photographer outside), and was told by both Circus Circus and S&R's Miracle Garden to go take a hike. The Vegas trip was such a disaster, in fact, that Britney ended up returning early to L.A. where apparently people are more willing to fawn over her.

The lesson for Britney: You only get the perks of stardom when people actually want to be associated with you. They don't give you free stuff or go out of their way for you because they like you - they want your name mentioned in connection with their hotel/attraction because it's good for business. But nowadays, being associated with you is anything but good.

(source)

Thanks again Kitty.

Judge Tells Dina And Michael To Seek Counseling

Battling dirt-bags Dina and Michael Lohan have been told by a Long Island judge that they must both undergo individual counseling before a ruling can be made in their on-going battle over Michael's visitation rights concerning children Ali and Cody. In another development, Michael has withdrawn a request for Dina to be ordered to undergo drug testing (big of him). Outside the courtroom, Michael went through his usual spiel about troubled Lindsay:

The [movie] industry certainly doesn't help. Success doesn't help. ... She needs to get out of Hollywood," he said of Lindsay, to whom he has not spoken in months. She needs to be on Long Island with her family and just have us around her like she did when she did her best.

Come on Michael - how the hell do you expect her to score coke if she's got her family around her all the time? And why in hell would anyone think being exposed to you and that evil witch Dina would do anyone any good? She'd be better off in a crackhouse having her hair brushed by some toothless old hag who keeps swatting invisible flies away and muttering about the mothership. No, the toothless hag is not Whitney Houston.

(source)

Law And Diaz Only Friends

Hot bald actor Jude Law is denying that he and dog-face Cameron Diaz are in the midst of a fling. Said his spokesperson:

He hasn't seen her for months. They're friends but that's it.

So they haven't been hooking up since Jude came to L.A. to work on his new movie Repossession Mambo? That's disappointing - I was really hoping for some hot sex pics of Jude and Cameron. Guess I'll just have to settle for my fantasies of Jude naked and covered in oil on top of a black stallion.

(source)

Tom Cruise Making Over David Beckham?

Hot ball-kicker David Beckham has always been known for being shy and reserved in front of cameras - but since his move to America, David has seemed much more assured, and has even lowered his usually high, girly speaking voice. So what the hell's going on? Someone, say experts, has been coaching David - and that someone is none other than Tom Cruise.

Yes, everyone's favorite Scientologist has gotten his hooks into Beckham. Here's what an inside source had to say about Beckham's recent introductory press conference in L.A.:

David's performance was so slick and assured it's clear the advice from Tom has been rubbing off. David has always been quite shy in front of the cameras. ... He's got a squeaky Cockney accent normally and he talked into his chest. While wife Victoria could turn on the charm, David always looked uncomfortable with that side of fame and preferred to do his talking on the pitch. But Tom's being drumming into him that Americans expect their stars to be able to be all-singing, all-dancing.

David, apparently, has picked up a few of Tom's mannerisms too, including a tendency to extend his arms toward the audience while speaking. Creepy. Really creepy. Hopefully, Poshy will be able to rescue David before he's completely sucked into Tom's alien web. Just rub your big fake tits in his face Posh - he'll come around. Either that or you'll smother him to death - which would still be better than winding up as Tom's zombie minion.

(source)

Pete Doherty Wants Kate Moss Back

Pete Doherty has been prevented from making contact with Kate Moss ever since she threw his ass out of the house. So, Pete has resorted to a desperate measure - prevailing on Moss via an interview in The Mirror, which is reportedly the cokehead model's favorite UK rag (she reads?). Says Pete of his little Katiepoo:

I love her with all my heart. I like the way she walks and talks. I love her bones. I love her brain.

He loves her spleen and colon too. He ain't so crazy about her left earlobe but he's sure they can work that out.

Pete talks of being completely shut out of Moss's life since the break-up:

There's been this lockdown and I can't get hold of her. This is the only way I can get through. ... I need her to know that she's out of her fucking mind. Kate, if you love me then realise I don't want any other girl. ... Do I still love her? Don't ask me that question. Why do you think I'm here today talking to you? I'm here to tell her that I love her. ... Fucking hell man, why does she read the Daily Mirror, anyway? She moans all the time about the fucking paparazzi then first thing in the morning she's got to buy your paper.

I'll tell you why she buys the Mirror first thing every morning Pete - it's to find out if you've been fucking around again. Not that she would necessarily need a paper to tell her that. All she has to do is know you're breathing, and she knows you're fucking around.

Pete then talks about the circumstances of their break-up:

Kate - a nasty old rag. We fell out for the same old reason. She accused me of fucking this girl who lives around the corner. ... We were watching a DVD together and Kate started going "I could tell by the way you were sitting back there that you've fucked her." I said "You're out of your fucking mind." ... I was really up for some peace and love that morning. I wasn't up for being called a cock and being kicked in the head. ... She's got an awful temper. I grabbed a guitar and books and said "I'm never going to be treated this way again."

Oh, okay - you left, she didn't kick you out. Sure Pete. Oh, and by the way - in the midst of reaching out to your cosmic lover, might you explain to us about this artist Christine you proposed to the same day you broke up with Kate?

I made rather a rash gesture. It was more in a fit of anger. I asked this bird Christine to marry me. ... She's gone back to Paris and I don't know what to do.

Right Pete - everyone asks random women to marry them just cause they're pissed at someone.

Of course, the really big issue in Pete's life is drugs. It seems like he has to get himself cleaned up if he has any chance at getting back in Kate's good graces. So how's that going Petey?

They gave me an anti-drugs implant. I was under very, very heavy sedation. Then they gave me a sticker warning the emergency services that I shouldn't be given any morphine. All my receptors are now blocked which means I can't enjoy the recreational use of Class A drugs. Inside, I feel a little more chirpy than I have for a long, long time. But that's only because there's a degree of stability around me that I haven't had for some time. ... The drugs have taken their toll. But I'm mending. The implant was only done a day and a half ago and I'm still healing up. It's going to take a couple of weeks for me to clean up. My arms especially. It's been dark. But I've come out of rehab a new man. ... I had the choice of prison or making some attempt to contain a wilfully dissolute lifestyle. But I was already booked in. It was always just a question of when I did it. I'm on a heavy course of antibiotics and sedatives. For a couple of weeks I'm just going to be a bit of a bag of bones. But I'm confident I can clean up.

Sure Pete - and we're all pulling for you (he's screwed).

(source)

So Innocent...For Now

Taylor Momsen at the premiere of Underdog. Ah look - the puppy's got a little pink bow. Isn't Taylor just the picture of sweetness with her puppy and her little dress?



"Wanna score some blow baby?"

"You know it."

"Cool."

"Far out."

"I am so in aren't I?"

"Fuck yeah."

Britney And Federline Make It Official

Britney Spears took time out from melting down today to hit up L.A. County Superior Court and finalize her divorce from rapper Kevin Federline. TMZ reports that Britney will have to cough up $15,000 a month in child support and another $20,000 in spousal support - with the latter expiring in November (hopefully Kevin will have found another sugar-mama by then). Also, despite Britney's recent erratic behavior, she and Kevin will continue sharing equal custody of SP and JJ. The custody matter, however, has not entirely been settled - both Britney and Kevin are said to be unhappy with the arrangement; and Kevin, it's been reported, is ready to go to court as early as this week in his pursuit of full custody. Britney has better lawyers though, meaning Kevin will probably have to settle for a 50/50 arrangement - which makes us wonder how insane Britney has to behave before the state intervenes on behalf of the kiddies.

(source)

May Xenu Bless Jenna Elfman's Child

Freaky Scientology chick Jenna Elfman has given birth to a son, Story Elias. No word yet on whether it was a silent birth or whether Jenna, at the moment of truth, just said fuck it and screamed her head off. Tom Cruise is at the hospital now waiting to take possession of the child, so he can add it to his army of Xenu-worshipping baby disciples/future spouses.

(source)

Bitch-Rumble - Rob Schneider v. Dina Lohan

Comedian Rob Schneider is firing back at Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina, who criticized the Deuce Bigalow star for making fun of Lindsay on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno the other evening. Schneider, dressed in drag, replaced Lindsay on Leno's program (she was busy hiding after her second DUI arrest), and delivered a rather amusing lampoon of the oft-rehabbing starlet, at one point swilling booze from a flask disguised as an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. This did not sit well with Dina, who apparently thinks Lindsay is above being made fun of. Said Dina in an awkwardly-worded statement:

We have a great respect for Jay Leno, but we are disappointed in the path he chose to allow a guest to make light of a very serious situation concerning Lindsay.

Now Schneider is giving it straight back to Dina. Said the comedian to People magazine:

When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her.

And Rob also took after Lindsay, offering the following:

I don't care if her parents are both crummy – you cannot blame your parents anymore. She's not a kid.

Still, Rob wishes Lindsay well:

I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan. ... I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself. ... She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is.

Yes Rob. And now, please, would you kindly go away? You're not funny, and frankly, you have a weird face and you make us kind of sick.

(source)

Jude Law And Cameron Diaz Dating?

Jude Law and Cameron Diaz, pictured above in some movie called The Holiday that I've never seen and am never seeing, are reportedly an item in real-life now. Hollyscoop says Law is currently in the states, and that he and Cam have set up some "romantic" dates for this weekend. Reports an inside source:

Jude plans to take her on a series of dinner dates this week and just spend some time hanging out. Cameron and Jude really bonded while working together but now that friendship has turned to romance.

Dinner dates? Kind of funny, cause I always thought of Jude as more the knock her down and have your way with her type. Then again, Cameron's not exactly a push-over. She's got bigger arms than Jude, plus I'm pretty sure she carries a knife. It's probably a good idea for Jude to finesse this one - take her to dinner, then maybe slip something in her drink. Unconscious chicks are way easier to disarm.

(source)

Attack Of The Clones

It's been suggested that Victoria and David Beckham's boys aren't really normal biological children but clones - and looking at this picture, I would tend to agree with that theory. I think some mad scientist took some of David's primo DNA and implanted it into an egg, or however they do that shit, and just made three exact copies of him. Because think about it - since Poshy doesn't have a vagina, how could she possibly become impregnated and then give birth? Only normal females give birth, not mutant freak-job quasi-females with the bodies of 12-year-old boys (except for the unnaturally enormous breasts). No, I think some crazy guy just wanted to create a whole army of little Aryan supermen who would one day form the world's greatest soccer team. Poshy is just their babysitter really. Their incredibly uncomfortable-looking babysitter.

Paris An Ex-Heiress?

Have Paris Hilton's antics cost her her inheritance? According to Jerry Oppenheimer, who penned the Hilton family biography House of Hilton, Paris's grandfather Barron Hilton became very angry when Paris was thrown in the slammer for violating probation - so angry that he has decided to cut off the $60 million she was set to receive upon his death. Said Oppenheimer:

[Barron] was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris. He now doesn't want to leave unearned wealth to his family.

Barron also announced his intention to donate the entire proceeds - $2.4 billion - of the impending sale of Hilton Hotels to charity. He's so mad at Paris and the rest of his dirt-bag clan that he would probably rather chuck the money into the street and let random by-standers pick it up than give it to any of them. Of course it's all his own fault - he begat Rick, who married Kathy and with her begat Paris. Dirtbaggery doesn't just appear out of nowhere. Now old Barron is trying to wash his hands of the lot of them - but that dirt doesn't scrub off so easily.

(source)

The Reunion That Never Happened

Britney Spears' family headed to Vegas this weekend for some kind of tearful reunion - the only problem is that someone forgot to tell Britney. Yes, Lynne and Jamie Lynn did show up as we were told they would - according to Robin Leach's Vegas Luxe Life, the two were seen hanging out by the pool at Ceasar's Palace. Unfortunately, by that time Britney was already back in L.A., partying with some mystery man while sporting a dress that appeared to be made out of spaghetti.

The good news is that Paris Hilton showed up like she was supposed to, and went to the Fergie show with her sister Nicky. It's lucky too, cause Vegas would've been so dead otherwise...

(source)

Rachel McAdams Cares About Global Warming

Rachel McAdams rides a bike to a business meeting at the Four Seasons. See, here's a star who puts her (big butt) money where her mouth is. Sure, it's easy to preach about going green - but Rachel (huge ass) actually lives it. You won't see her lecturing the rest of us about our carbon footprint after hypocritically buzzing around on a smoke-belching motorcycle - she's the genuine article (enormous backside), a real environmental crusader (gigantic heinder). So, let's all raise our glasses to Rachel McAdams - a woman (gargantuan derriere) who knows that true activism (mammoth caboose) is about doing, not just saying (mix in a salad, bitch).

Dunst Kicks Borrell Out

Dentally-challenged "actress" Kirsten Dunst has reportedly chucked her rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell out of their London flat for being too messy. Dunst, an OCD case, was finally pushed over the edge it's said by Johnny's habit of driving his scooter through the living room. Um, Kirsten dear - you're going out with a rock musician. These people are not known for being particularly tidy or well-behaved. So you're a neatnik - then get yourself a nebbishy accountant who likes keeping his ties nicely organized. Sure, the sex ain't gonna be so hot, but at least you won't have to worry about him leaving skid-marks on the carpet.

(source)

Doherty Back With Old Squeeze

Revolting would-be artist Pete Doherty is moving on from his break-up with cokehead model Kate Moss by getting back together with an old girlfriend, Nadine Ruddy. Pete and this Ruddy woman apparently had sex even while Pete was still together with Kate - or at least Kate suspected them of doing so, which is why she told Pete he wasn't ever allowed to see Nadine. Is there anything funnier than junkie drama?

Kate, according to insiders, is still missing Pete very badly - so the news that he's screwing Nadine again is liable to send her spiraling into jealous madness or something. Furthermore, it appears Nadine has talked Pete into going to rehab. What kind of blow would it be to Kate if Nadine managed the miracle of getting Pete to clean up? Yeah, okay - even Jesus couldn't pull that one off. But it was good for a chuckle.

(source)

Britney Update

I know you're all on the edges of your seats wondering what's been going on with Britney Spears this weekend. Apparently, there has actually been a positive development (yes, those do sometimes happen to Britney). According to Robin Leach's Vegas Luxe Life (Robin Leach is a blogger now - who knew?), Britney's brother Bryan has been brokering some kind of peace between her and mother Lynne, and today Lynne and little sis Jamie Lynn flew to Vegas perhaps to meet up with Britney themselves. If they do meet, however, it will not be in Steve Wynn's hotel. Britney, as reported earlier, was chucked out of the Wynn Las Vegas after her bodyguard Julio Camera got in a scuffle with a photographer outside. Now it's being reported that Steve Wynn himself ordered Britney, brother Bryan, the two kiddies and Julio out of his hotel - partly, it appears, because of some "outrageous diva-demands" Britney made when she first arrived (demands Robin Leach's site promises to fill us in on come Monday).

As for the bodyguard's fight with the photographer - it's being reported now that Julio could face up to six months in the slammer for assault. Also, Britney's charge that a paparazzo injured Sean Preston during the scrum has been shot down for lack of evidence (SP showed no sign of having been even so much as scratched), and no charges will be filed against the accused.

Britney has now reportedly been installed inside a room in Caesars Palace, and is planning to attend singer Fergie's concert at the Palms tonight. Also, it's being reported that Paris Hilton is in Vegas this weekend with her sister Nicky, and all the L.A. paps have made their way to Sin City to be there should the Hiltons wind up in the same place as Britney. Paris and Britney, we recall, made waves last year when they started partying together, but Britney eventually distanced herself from Paris, who was clearly a bad influence on her. Could there be some kind of crazy skank reunion tonight in Vegas? And if so, would it be asking too much for a meteor to hit the city?

(source)

(Thanks again to Crabbiefan Kitty Sheehan for the tip. I'd send you a thank you gift but I'm poor as dirt.)

It's All Your Fault

A British novelist and arts critic who goes by the name Bidisha is calling out the female readers of blogs like this one for their culpability in ruining the lives of young famous women like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Since Bidisha's Guardian piece is relatively short, I will re-print it in its entirety:

The Really Bad Girls

Those who collude in the public degradation of gifted young women are beneath contempt.

Bidisha
Saturday July 28, 2007
The Guardian

Who doesn't love to speculate about good girls gone bad? Well, people who like and respect women don't. Nor do people who recognise that the rules prescribing what constitutes a "good" female are bigoted and hypocritical. A good girl is charming and comely, and never does anything to upset the status quo. A good girl does not dare to challenge the position society has put her in. A good girl is the ideal helpmeet for a man, with neither a hair nor a thought out of place.

So it's a nasty shock for reactionaries to see Lindsay Lohan's latest police mugshot, in which she sends a fabulous look of "Yeah, I've been arrested. So what?" straight through the camera into the miasma of prurient dreck that is pop culture. So Lohan likes a drink. What's the problem? Women get drunk, fall over and hit the double standard face first. Further proof that womankind is pushing things a step too far is the news that Britney Spears acted brattishly at a recent photoshoot, wiping her hands on one dress and letting her pooch defecate on another.

Again, so what? Male power players have been abusing subordinates ever since they created the first hierarchies. Nobody points out that male violence is destroying the world. A drunk young rich guy is a crazed creative genius and cultural messiah who lives on the edge; his female counterpart is a sad strumpet. Or, in Britney's case, it's all put down to her ongoing "meltdown".

That is not to say that I want to even things up by watching talented women sabotage themselves with as much dedication as men. There is no glory in substance abuse or depression. They are debilitating conditions, deeply saddening for any friend, family or fan who must watch, wondering how they might help. But the avid readers of What Lindsay/Britney Did Next are not wondering that. The people who like to see a good girl go bad do so not because it provides young women with a vicarious means of joyful rebellion, but because they like watching a gifted woman get destroyed.

The strategy is the same whether we're talking pop princesses or actual ones. First, the target is goaded, speculated about. She is said to be too fat, too thin, unstable, unprofessional, a bad mother. Then, understandably, she begins to freak out and unwittingly vindicates the gossip. Then she is hounded some more until something - an arrest, an accident, a scandal, an eating disorder, a suicide - degrades her so much that the public finally sits back, satisfied that another promising female has been taken out of action.

The media that deal in pop freakouts don't report these stories so much as create them. If Britney Spears has had any kind of meltdown, who can blame her? She is followed wherever she goes by stalker-violators: some have cameras and call themselves paparazzi; some have notebooks and call themselves journalists; some have vaginas and call themselves concerned women of the world. All relish the harassment that they perpetrate. It is women (writers and readers) who are enjoying and encouraging the exposure of Lohan's drink and drugs hell or Spears's identity crisis, while saving space for a snide comment about their outfits. It is women who are getting off on other women's difficulties, while men in power carouse, abuse (and self-abuse) with impunity.

Who are the real "bad girls"? Not Lohan or Spears. The gossip magazines may be as punchy as a dose of Splenda, but they offer evidence that women have obediently taken on the values of a woman-hating world. We must recognise the part women play in the degradation of women: the ultimate betrayal.

Bidisha is a novelist and arts critic
contactbidisha@hotmail.com

So there you go girls - it's all your fault that Britney and Lindsay can't keep it together. Never mind that they sign deals with photo agencies and tip off paps as to where they're going to be, inviting this attention that's so destructive to them. And never mind that there are plenty of equally famous women who have no problem staying out of the spotlight, therefore preventing most of their personal travails from becoming public. Then there's Bidisha's assertion that Britney is a "gifted young woman" - that's so laughable I don't even know where to begin. Apparently Bidisha is tone-deaf, besides having a head full of recycled feminist dogma.

Now, let's all laugh at Lindsay's mugshot again:



Feel free, by the way, to shoot old Bidisha an email. Unless you're too ashamed by your evil reveling in gifted Britney's downfall.

(source)

She Still Doesn't Get It

Lindsay Lohan now knows her ship is sinking, and she's got to try her damnedest to salvage something before it's too late. That, I assume, is why she's decided to give a tell-all interview to OK! Magazine - the rag has probably offered her a great deal of money, and it's not like she's got any other big employment opportunities looming, especially now that she's become radioactive to movie producers. This is however completely the wrong thing for Lohan to do. If she had even a lick of sense, or anyone around her who could talk some into her, she would just shut the hell up - no interviews, no appearances, nothing. She needs to lay low now - really low. Go into rehab someplace and just sit there. No visits. No statements. No fucking around with men or operating from the inside like a jailed mobster. Then when the time comes she has to come back out and face the music - court, which will be a circus, and the inevitable jail-time (there's no way she's getting out of it). And then after that, she needs to lay low some more. For at least a year I would think. Get out of the public eye entirely and get things figured out. Then maybe - maybe - she can come back and try to get some movie work. She'll probably have to put up the dough for her own insurance at first, but it will be worth it - an investment in her future.
Of course she will need to be a model citizen then - she will need to show up on-time every day, not sass, not act like a little prima donna. And she will need to get serious about becoming an actress. No more crap about how natural she is, and she can just show up and do it. Obviously, she can't just show up and do it - the reviews of her new horror movie, which have mostly been pans, prove that.

Of course, for Lohan to carry out this plan, she would have to already possess some glimmer of serious concern for her own existence - and therein lies the rub. Cause, honestly, I don't think Lohan does give a shit. I think she would willingly piss her whole life away for a thrill or a fuck or a line. She has no appreciation whatsoever for anything - she is a completely ungrateful, shallow, remorseless pig of a human being. So, she will give a "tell-all" to a magazine, in which she tries to explain away her absurd behavior, and the other damaging stuff like saying "the black kid" was driving the car. She will spread more bullshit and lies about how it's all the paparazzi's fault, and her father's fault, and everyone's fault but hers. She will claim she doesn't do drugs or drink despite all the eyewitness testimony to the contrary. She will persist in her little game of denying what we all know is true, because that's how sociopathic scuzzwads like her play it. We might all be able to respect her if she had just a little finesse, but she's not even smooth - she's a dumb liar, and she takes stupid risks, and she's clumsy and doesn't express herself well. She's half-assed as a human being and half-assed as a con-artist. She is her mother's daughter and her father's too.

(source)

Boring Couple Alert

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen. These two make Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz look like Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. I think I'm going to call them the anti-coffee - cause they make me go back to sleep...

Dakota Fanning Scares Vampires

I know Dakota Fanning's still way young and therefore supposedly off-limits but...all right, let me put this delicately. Sometimes people who are really cute when they're young...let's just say they don't necessarily grow up still cute. Sometimes...oh Christ, I can't help it. What the hell is up with her head? And why is she so pale? Is she anemic or something? I'm not making fun, I'm just asking. I'm concerned, okay?

Hayden The Little Patriot

Hayden Panettiere took some time during her Fourth of July Washington, D.C. trip to visit the wounded soldiers at Walter Reed. Let's all salute Hayden's patriotic spirit (I'm sure the soldiers did, if'n you know what I mean).



"I damn near got my arm blown off defending America's freedom. And what's my reward? Some little white girl from a TV show almost rubbing her boob against me. You oppress my people for hundreds of years and now this? Fuck it. I'm moving to France..."



She's not licking the dog. That's good. That's very good.

Posh And Becks Go Shopping, Run Into Queen Latifah

Poshy drags David out shopping. At some point David will have to get sick of his whole life being turned into one big photo-op, won't he? Unless he's just that heavily-medicated.



The Beckses (that's what I'm calling them now) ran into Queen Latifah on their travels. Posh from behind is just about the strangest spectacle in the history of earth, isn't it? What the bloody fuck kind of hair-style is that? It looks like Phil Spector's hair turned around backward. And Latifah's just chillin', ain't she? Posh could take some lessons from her in how to just loosen the hell up.

Sienna Wears Some Terrible Shoes

Sienna Miller's all ready for her trip back in time to ancient Rome. Don't forget to bring the Crabster back a present Sienna. A couple of slave-boys would be nice, but make sure they're not deformed or anything 'kay? I ain't into that hard-core Caligula shit.

Michael Lohan Ordered To Get A Job

Michael Lohan continues to fight with ex-wife Dina over custody of their youngest kids Ali and whatever the boy's name is. Today in court, a judge ordered Michael to pay $500 a week in child support for the next two weeks - then told Michael he'd better start trying harder to find a job or else. In the interest of helping a fellow out, Crabbie offers the following job suggestions for Michael:


Tightrope walker. No net or pole provided. Sense of balance optional.
Perez Hilton's hair-stylist. Bring own hedge-clippers and Tang.
Baghdad crossing-guard.
Victoria Beckham's chef. Need only know one recipe: lightly-cooked single pea.
Door-to-door Bible salesman in Teheran.
Naomi Campbell's maid - bring a helmet, and possibly a flak-jacket.
Bai Ling's pimp.
John Wayne impersonator on Indian reservation. Alternative: George Custer impersonator on Indian reservation.
Dog-carcass remover (call Michael Vick)
Al Jolson impersonator in South Central L.A.
Speed bump.
Britney Spears's assistant. Other positions open: publicist, manager, agent, accountant, lawyer, cook, stylist, acupuncturist, massage therapist, tarot reader, manicurist, yoga instructor, dance teacher, voice coach, pretty much any other position that requires immense patience and the willingness to endure dogs crapping on your carpet.
Janitor.

(source)

Kelly Ripa Annoys Us Again

Kelly Ripa, minutes before the horrible accident with the runaway bakery truck. We wish.

What Does She Need Food For?

Posh shops at Whole Foods. We all know Posh doesn't eat, so she must've been there just to get her picture taken. The guy who's checking out her tits is her stylist by the way. He's clearly gay, so we know he's not turned on by her. Maybe he's just amazed at how fake they look. It won't be long, if you ask the Crabster, before Poshy's little plastic butt is back in Europe. Over there she was a fashion icon - here she's just some lame British chick with a soccer-playing husband who thinks she's a bigger deal than she is. Sorry Posh, but America's got Paris, Britney and Lindsay - it doesn't need you.

Richie Gets 4 Days In Can

Nicole Richie has been given 4 days in jail for DUI after copping a plea. The media figure will be given credit for one day served, meaning she will spend only 3 days in the can (I'm a math whiz). She has the choice of serving those 3 days in county or city jail - I'd go with whichever has the best banana nut muffins myself. She has until September 28 to serve her time. She was also given 3 years probation and a $2000 fine, and was ordered to attend an alcohol education course. A source described her demeanor in court as, "stoic and serious, but not emotional." You mean she didn't scream for her mommy like Paris? Damn Nicole - you need to learn to play this shit up more if you hope to ever become as big a media-whore as your buddy Hilton.

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Greer Punctures Diana Myth

Feminist Germaine Greer has made a career out of being controversial. In her 1970 bestseller The Female Eunuch, Greer argued that all men fundamentally hate women, that females in our culture are taught from a young age to loathe themselves and fear their sexuality, and that the nuclear family set-up is stifling to a woman's natural energies. More recently, Greer came under fire for saying of beloved Aussie naturalist Steve Irwin's death, "The animal world has finally taken its revenge on Irwin." Now, in a new essay in Weekend Australian Magazine, Greer has turned her poison pen on another revered figure - the late Princess Diana.

"Slow," "devious" and "disturbingly neurotic" are terms employed by Greer in characterizing the "real" Diana. Says Greer of Diana's intellectual limitations:

Of the four Spencer children, Diana was the slowest. Because of her slowness, she was easily found out in her preposterous fibs.

Greer claims Diana's childhood nickname was "Brian" - "after the dopey snail on The Magic Roundabout on children's TV." Lack of overall brain-power notwithstanding, the early Diana evinced a talent for using people - at one point enlisting a friend to write a nasty letter to her father's second wife, Lady Raine Spencer. Says Greer:

Apparently she didn't have the courage to write her own letter ... in adulthood Diana became more, rather than less devious.

Greer goes on to describe Diana as "foolhardy," both in her "orchestration of her public persona" and in her well-publicized "sexual adventures." She even suggests that Diana's reckless, manipulative nature had a hand in bringing about her untimely death, saying:

The saddest thought of all is that Diana's death may have resulted indirectly from another of her kack-handed manipulations; it is said that she only went to Paris with Dodi Fayed in order to make heart surgeon Hasnat Khan jealous.

Greer goes on to attack Diana's reputation as a style-maven:

Diana was never a fashion icon; she dressed to the same demotic standard of elegance as TV anchorwomen do, plus the inevitable hat. ... It is precisely because she was basically anonymous that Diana's public could so easily identify her.

Greer also goes after Diana's status as a noted, fearless humanitarian, accusing her of "rushing into too many situations in which genuine angels would have feared to tread," and saying of her:

Her habit of popping up in the midst of other people's life crises must have startled some of her victims.

In summation, Greer offers this:

Diana's legacy is no more than endless column inches of adulation and speculation.

And a corny Elton John tune, Germaine.

(by the way, does the line "Her habit of popping up in the midst of other people's life crises must have startled some of her victims" remind us of anyone else?)

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Britney's Bodyguard Busts Guy's Head

Britney Spears's bodyguard Julio Camera got into a fight with a photographer yesterday outside the Wynn Las Vegas, reports US weekly. The scuffle allegedly began because the pap got too close to Britney's son Sean Preston - however, an account of events by the partner of the assaulted cameraman says bodyguard Julio shoved the pap first, causing him to make contact with SP, at which point Britney began yelling, prompting the bodyguard to then begin wailing on the pap. Police eventually arrived, and Julio was given a citation for misdemeanor battery. Britney has also reportedly filed an allegation of battery on behalf of SP, but against a different photographer than the one Julio allegedly beat up. According to Britney's report, Julio was holding SP when that second photog, one Kyle Henderson, engaged in some form of battery against them. Meanwhile, Britney remains in trouble with Kevin Federline for taking SP and JJ out of the state of California without notifying him, the shared custody-holder, or obtaining written permission. Tick tick tick tick tick...

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Federline Angry Over Britney Baby-Snatch

Crabbie reported earlier that Britney Spears had taken the kids to Las Vegas without receiving written permission from fellow custody-holder Kevin Federline. Now Federline has reportedly told Britney to bring the kids back to California, and has also contacted his lawyer to see what further measures he may be able to take. Britney has reportedly since checked out of her hotel in Vegas.

Something tells me it's going to be a wacky weekend in celeb-land.

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Nicole Richie To Cop Plea

Anorexic fake celebrity Nicole Richie will cop a plea today in her DUI case, sources have told TMZ. This means Richie will serve at least the minimum five day jail sentence required for second-time DUI offenders. Sorry Nicole, but no one cares about you with Lindsay headed for prison and Britney on the verge of another meltdown. Maybe next time.

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Britneypalooza

The Trainwreck Pulls Into Vegas

Britney Spears has packed up the kiddies and flown to Vegas, reports People. The good news? Britney, during a rare moment of lucidity, called ahead to the hotel and had her room childproofed. The bad news? Brit apparently neglected to get written permission from Kevin Federline before taking the kids out of California - a no-no given that there is still a custody battle raging. Britney isn't acting as her own lawyer too now, is she?

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A Small Price To Pay For So Much Pub

OK! Magazine says Britney Spears destroyed $7,000 worth of clothing and stole $14,000 worth of jewelry and accessories during her bizarro interview-photoshoot. The kicker? The magazine was reportedly prepared to pay Brit a cool million for her participation, but since they got almost nothing usable from the session, they gave her zilch. In Britney's defense, she's an idiot and probably doesn't know that a million is more than 14,000.
Yes, she is also acting as her own accountant.

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So That's Whose Fault It All Was

Britney Spears has fired her assistant Shannon Funk. Said a source to Life & Style (and this has to be one of the greatest anonymous snitch quotes of all-time):

Britney felt a lot of her recent troubles started and stopped with Shannon. ... Britney thought [Shannon] was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside.

There. See? All along it's been this Shannon chick. Now that Britney's rid of her everything will be fine. No more paranoid raving or cleaning up dog poo with Chanel dresses or claiming to the the anti-Christ. It's only a matter of time now before Britney's back on top. Stupid Shannon bitch...

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(thanks to Crabbiefan Kitty Sheehan for throwing me the tippage)

Lohan Witnesses Come Forward

TMZ has conducted an interview with three men who claim to have been in the Denali Lindsay Lohan used to chase down her assistant and the assistant's mother the night of her most recent DUI arrest.

The men - Dante Nigro, Jakon Sutter and Ronnie Blake (upstanding citizens all, I'm sure) - say they were in Malibu Monday afternoon with the boyfriend of Lindsay's ill-fated assistant Taryn, when they ran into Lindsay and said assistant. Lindsay later invited them to a party in Malibu, which Jakon and Ronnie were ultimately prevented from entering (losers). Dante, who entered with the assistant's boyfriend Dan, says Lindsay was sucking down booze the whole night, and even did a shot with him (lucky guy). Then, for some reason, the assistant got in an argument with her boyfriend outside; a drunken Lindsay staggered out and began shouting at the assistant. This prompted the assistant to quit, enraging Lindsay. Ronnie describes Lindsay as being "crazy" and "aggressive" at this point.

The boys must've decided the party was breaking up about this time, because they all piled into the now-infamous Denali, which belongs to Dante. Dan was going to drive, but suddenly exited the vehicle to renew his argument with Taryn. Taryn then became fed-up and drove off in her own car (she was not picked up by her mother as previously reported). Lindsay, still irate and drunk, leapt into the Denali's driver's seat and took off after poor Taryn. Ronnie, terrified, jumped from the car and had his foot run over (he shows his injured foot in a video on TMZ).

According to Dante and Jakon, Lindsay pursued Taryn at speeds of 100 MPH up the Pacific Coast Highway (Mel Gibson's favorite). She finally caught up to her erstwhile assistant, they say, and started doing circles around her car Road Warrior-style. Lindsay allegedly proclaimed at this point, "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want." Somehow Taryn was able to get away from Lindsay, but the cagey Lohan drove to Taryn's mother's house; and lo-and-behold, Taryn's mother happened to pull up just as Lindsay arrived. The mom, who can be heard on this 911 tape acting like she's being chased by Osama Bin Laden and Hitler, panicked at the sight of the Denali (which she misidentifies on the tape as a Yukon) and drove off.

Lindsay followed the mom, still insisting to her passengers that nothing could happen to her because she was famous. The vehicles finally pulled into a parking lot near a police station. When the cops arrived, Lindsay reportedly said, "I wasn't driving, the black kid was driving." She was administered a field sobriety test, which she failed miserably. And the rest is history.

A few things. One, the fact that Lohan came up on the assistant's mother the way she did, with the mother apparently having no knowledge of previous events, sort of explains the woman's hysteria on the 911 tape. Two, Lohan saying "the black kid was driving" is not going to do much to win her new fans in the African-American community (in fact, neither of her passengers was black; Dante is white and Jakon looks Filipino or something; the only black guy, Ronnie, bailed at the beginning). Three, if Lohan really was driving circles around the assistant's car on the PCH - that goes beyond mere recklessness to a level of suicidal stupidity I personally wouldn't have thought even Lohan capable of. This chick needs to have a serious lesson taught to her now - because if she's allowed to continue, there is no question that she will kill someone. I don't see, given all this evidence (and I realize the three men could be exaggerating or making shit up; we'll just have to wait till they're called as witnesses and see if their story changes) how a judge could justify not throwing Lohan in jail for a significant amount of time. We're talking about a person who has no regard whatsoever for anyone else's safety - a completely out-of-control, irresponsible, socially retarded menace. Frankly, I doubt even a stint in prison would teach this bitch - she's one of those people who will finally either kill herself (hopefully without taking anyone with her) or wind up locked-up for good. She has demonstrated a total inability to take responsibility for any of her actions, has lied, has engaged in charade rehab trips almost as a way of saying "fuck you" to people who tell her she needs to clean up. But the most damning thing of all, I think, is the way she's flushed her career down the toilet. It's one thing to be young and drunk and stupid; it's quite another to be so irresponsible and foolish that you would toss away literally millions of dollars just because you don't want to stop partying. If a person shows so little regard for their own existence, how can they be expected to give a damn for anyone else's? Sorry, but Lindsay Lohan needs to go to jail now - far, far worse than Paris Hilton ever did.

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Lohan Mash-Up

Pretty funny goof on Lindsay's new movie I Know Who Killed Me.



The irony here? Early reviews indicate I Know Who Killed Me might actually be pretty good. The film might've boosted Lohan's career - had she been able to hold herself together long enough to reap the benefits.

Watts Drops Bundle Of Pooping Joy

Naomi Watts gave birth early Thursday morning according to Life & Style. Liev Schreiber was so happy he squealed and danced around like a drunk leprechaun. The sex of the child is being withheld, apparently for national security reasons. Naomi is expected to be in the hospital for maybe a day before she goes back to work. Liev will be nursing the baby, unless Maggie Gyllenhaal would like to take it to bus-stop somewhere and whip out her fug-juice squirting titty.

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Lindsay Not Alone In Idiocy

TMZ has obtained a tape of the mother of Lindsay Lohan's former assistant calling the cops on Lohan. The tape features a woman, whose name is still not known, yammering hysterically to the 911 operator about the white GMC Yukon (Lohan was first thought to have been driving a Denali) that came up behind her vehicle after she had parked. The operator attempts to get information out of the woman, but she merely continues saying "Oh my God," as if she is in imminent danger of being murdered. The woman also speaks of a mysterious man exiting the Yukon and coming toward her. At no point is Lohan's name mentioned. The tape ends after the woman has led the Yukon to a police station. Lohan was apparently found outside the vehicle - so there is still no absolute confirmation that she was actually driving. Also, there is no mention on the tape of the mysterious "other vehicles" that were supposedly following Lohan as she followed the former assistant. The only thing this tape proves conclusively is that the former assistant's mother is an utter melodramatic moron who should be thrown in jail on general principle.

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Kimberly Stewart May Perhaps Be High Here...

Either that or she's doing her best Keanu.

(Is that Matrix Keanu or Point Break Keanu? Cause I always liked Point Break better. Patrick Swayze and all...)

Dirt On Lohan

Normally we laugh at Hollyscoop - mostly because it seems to be written by a bunch of junior-high girls in My Little Pony pajamas - but they actually came across with some good dirt today concerning Lindsay Lohan. The site claims to have an informant among Lindsay's friends, who's told them among other things that Lindsay owes various drug dealers upwards of $30,000 - which may explain why she allegedly tried to broker a $30,000 deal with photo agency X17 last week. The snitch says Lindsay blows through $3,500 worth of drugs a week, but it was actually worse when she was partying with Calum Best - so bad that her friends are actually amazed she lived through it. The source says Lindsay checked into Promises mostly for PR reasons (really?), and that she laughs at tabloids and websites that believe she's really trying to get cleaned up (I didn't know there were any). Also, it's claimed that Lohan got in touch with her pusher almost immediately upon leaving Promises, and was at one point heard to say of her lifestyle, "I created the scene." Lindsay - you invented spending $3,500 a week on coke? Naive girl. If you'd been around in the seventies, you would've been considered uptight.

Hollyscoop's source also has a few things to say about Lindsay's parents: That Dina ran out of her house screaming when she heard of Lindsay's second DUI bust, and that Michael is only pretending to give a shit about Lindsay's health because it's a way for him to get into the papers. You mean Michael Lohan is an insincere media-whore phony? Huh...

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Alba In The Eye

Bloody Disgusting has new pics of Jessica Alba in the horror movie The Eye. The above depicts what happens when Jessica cooks a meatloaf with a recipe she got from Rachael Ray.



"Um, mister? I think you got...a little something...like maybe...you want a Kleenex cause I've got one..."

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Woody And Scarlett At Work

"All right Scarlett. In this scene what I want to do is emphasize the breasts. Your character is a girl with a very large, round, enticing bosom. That's mainly what I want to get across to the audience. Also, you have an incredibly juicy ass. So I'm going to have you bend over and pick up a penny. But you drop it the first time see, so you have to bend over again. This is why I get nominated for Oscars, this stuff right here..."



"I'm worried about your shirt Scarlett. I think it may be far too loose. So I think what we have to do is, we have to have a guy spray you with a hose. So we're gonna have a guy watering his lawn, and then suddenly he turns, and he doesn't see you there and he gets water all over the front of your top. And then you stand there sort of surprised with your top wet. Also, I think we're gonna have to lose the bra."



"You know, I was thinking about that scene yesterday, the one where we show everyone what amazing melons you have, and I really don't think we got it. I think we're gonna have to shoot that one again. Only this time, I think we're gonna have you be on a trampoline. With no bra. And then from out of nowhere it starts raining, a torrential downpour, and you're soaking wet with no bra, but you keep jumping up and down on the trampoline. I think this could really be the key scene in the movie because, you know, it establishes the whole theme of the picture, which is that you have amazing breasts and I really want to have sex with you even though I'm a sick old man who has sex with his own adopted daughter..."