Thursday, November 30, 2006

Jennifer Lopez Thinks Scientology Can Help Her Conceive


Jennifer Lopez is desperate to conceive a child. So desperate that she has turned to Scientology in hopes that its looney principles will cure her barrenness.

What, you may ask, is a crazy celebrity pseudo-religion supposed to do for a woman who is having difficulty getting knocked-up? Is there some magic incantation that turns lifeless wombs like Jennifer's into happy places where sperm finds eggs? Does Tom Cruise personally come over to your house and...

No. Not likely.

Actually, it all has to do with "cleansing" and "positive energy." At least this is what Jennifer is supposedly learning from her personal Scientology guru Leah Rimini, who swears that Scientology teachings helped her to conceive a child.

Cleansing and positive energy. That's how they make babies in Scientology. Not the man sticking his peeny in the woman's bagina (while the woman plays with her pan and her cat and her comb). I guess that explains why Tom had to out-source Katie's impregnation. He didn't know where to stick it.

By the way, Jennifer's husband Marc Anthony, like Katie Holmes, is Catholic (he's a Puerto Rican, so what the hell else would he be, a fucking Quaker?). But Anthony is reportedly not concerned about Jennifer's flirtation with the alien religion that's taken over the minds of so many Hollywood twits. "He's willing to let Jen do what she needs to make things happen," a source says. Again, peeny + bagina = baby. Not complicated.