Lindsay Lohan was so busted up about Robert Altman's death that she felt compelled to write a long, rambling letter expressing her grief. Maybe you've read it. If not, click here, and bask in the glory that is Linsday's literary genius.
But wait, there's more. In fact, a lot more - a whole novel. That's right - Lindsay Lohan has written a novel. It's best described as an erotic fantasy, and I'll be darned, Crabbie's gotten hold of some excerpts. How do I land these exclusives? Let's just say my lips are dry and I've got quite a sore throat...
The novel is entitled Princess Lindsaia and the Golden Coochie. It follows the epic adventures of the beautiful titular heroine, who journeys across the land of Lohania doing battle with the forces of evil. In Chapter 1, the young, beautiful, free-spirited Lindsaia, unaware of her royal heritage, encounters the magic spirit Cannabisum, who lives in old man Rodrigo's forbidden weed-patch:
My mom always told me not to play down by the weed-patch, cause the man who owned it was a real meanie named Rodrigo, who caught people who messed with his weeds and beat them up and made them listen to his crappy records over and over. But I always felt some kind of mysterious attraction to the weed-patch. So in the middle of the night I snuck over there, my nightgown flowing in the wind and shit, and climbed over the fence into the tall weeds which smelled kind of like my mom's top dresser drawer. It was so awesome in the weed-patch. It was just like the first time I was inside Barney's trading post and bought my first pair of magic boots made by the wizard Fendi. Those boots were so awesome and all the other kids at the school inside the toadstool were so pissed and jealous and shit, and that one evil little bitch Parisia was all like, "Those aren't so great. I like the wizard Sartore's boots way better," and I just wanted to punch her but I couldn't cause I was already on suspension and if they kicked me out of the toadstool then I would have to spend the rest of my days as a serving wench and that would really suck balls.
Anyway, I'm laying on my back in the weed-patch all like blissing and stuff, and then suddenly I hear a noise and raise my head up and see these two eyes blinking at me in the dark. I'm all ready to run and shit cause I think it's a pervert but then I see that it's just Harry. He climbs over the fence and sits down next to me and I say, "You smell like pizza," and he says, "What are you doing in the weed-patch," and I say, "I'm just hanging out," and he says, "Why don't we steal some and smoke it," and I say, "Smoke it?" cause I'm just an innocent little girl who doesn't know about things like that, right? So I tell Harry to get lost and he gets lost. But then I start thinking what it would be like to eat some of the weeds. So I pick one of the leaves off and chew on it and at first it's just like whatever but then all of a sudden I get light-headed and pretty soon I'm seeing all this like purpleness and then this voice says, "Lindsaia," and I say, "What?" and the voice says, "I am the spirit Cannabisum, and I am here to show you your destiny," and I'm like, "Is this a crank call?" and he's like, "No Lindsaia. I am going to tell you your destiny," and I'm all, "Okay, show me my destiny," and the voice says, "You are the princess Lindsaia. You were left here by your family to protect you from the evil Brandorf. Your destiny is to save the land of Lohania," and I'm like, "I'm a princess. That's so cool!"
"But wait," says Cannabisum, "that's not all. Now you must leave your little village where the kids are all so mean to you and journey to the far-off town of Las Vegasium to begin fulfilling your destiny. But in order to make the journey you must first have something to defend yourself with. Which is why you must break into the secret armory and steal the magic mace."
"But it's the middle of the night and I'm kind of woozy. Can't I start my destiny tomorrow?"
"No! Now you must go!"
"All right. Stop tripping. Jesus, mellow out Cannabisum..."
In our next installment, Lindsay travels to the town of Las Vegasium, and has her first encounter with the evil Brandorf and his magic sweat-bucket.
