Even as Britney Spears ascends to the pantheon of drunken, cooter-flashing skankhood, it appears another world-champion shameless skanklet is trying to tone down her own wild lifestyle, and maybe even get off the sauce altogether.Yes kids, it's true - Lindsay Lohan has begun attending AA meetings. Hard as it may be to believe, Lindsay actually appears to have at least a modicum of sense. Or maybe she started having those dreams about her liver.
You've had those before, right? The ones where you're lying in bed, all covered in sweat, and suddenly you see something moving under the blanket, and you peel it away to discover your own dying liver poised on your chest, staring into your face with those beseeching eyes...
All right. So maybe Crabbie's the only one who ever had that dream.
We're getting off the subject. The point here is that Lindsay realized, at last, that you can only keep it up for so long. You can only punish your body to a certain point, and after that it starts to rebel.
And all I can say about this development is...please Lindsay, say it ain't so.
Say you aren't going to stop going out to Hyde every night, and the rest of those hip night-spots where people like Brandon Davis yell insults at you. Say you aren't going to stop driving recklessly, smashing into things, and generally being a menace to pedestrians. Say you don't intend to stop making friends with Paris Hilton every other day, only to get mad at her again ten minutes later. Say you are not going to hereafter abstain from wearing short dresses that allow us to see your woman-parts. Say you have not lost your desire to make a pitiful spectacle of yourself in ways that make us both hate and feel sorry for you in almost equal measure.
Pardon us if we seem selfish Lindsay, but we need you drunk and stupid. We have no interest in seeing a sober Lindsay who realizes there's more to life than just partying it up. We want you to stagger around at three in the morning, bellowing like a crazy old woman. We want you behaving like a psychotic, saying one thing one minute, then contradicting yourself completely the next. We want you writing long, rambling letters of condolence to the families of dead movie directors, so that we may bask in the sense of superiority that only comes when one encounters true stupidity.
In other words, Lindsay - don't clean up. Whatever you do. Don't listen to your liver, no matter how much it complains. And for God's sake, please, don't start wearing underwear. A world where Lindsay Lohan covers her cooch is not a world I want to live in.
