Our eyes weren't deceiving us when we thought it looked like Tom Cruise had put on a few pounds in recent pictures. He really has become a fat-ass. Such a fat-ass that, when the clothes Georgio Armani designed for Tom and fiancee Katie Holmes's up-coming wedding arrived, Tom was unable to fit into his suit.Looks like Scientology-man will have to lay off the Klingon Ding Dongs if he doesn't want to have to be rolled down the aisle.
By the way, I seem to recall a lot of recent stories about Tom pushing Katie to lose her baby-weight. Cause Tom didn't want to be seen with a fatty-fatty. Now it looks like Tom is the fatty-fatty. I wonder how old Katie feels, nibbling on pretzels per Posh Spice's insane diet plan, while Tom's over there on the couch filling his face with canned ham after canned ham. She's probably starting to wonder. Of course that only lasts until Tom hits her with the zapper.
This whole Tom the fatso thing opens a can of worms if you ask me. About Scientology. Did anyone else catch the stories on the vows Tom and Katie are supposed to be saying? I mean, check out this shit:
In the old-fashioned language that marks the Traditional version [of the Scientology service], the groom is reminded that "girls" need "clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat" - and is asked to provide them all.The bride, in turn, is told that "young men are free and may forget" their promises.
So this is what Katie's got to look forward to. A life of frills, pans, combs and perhaps a cat, not to mention a strict diet, while Tom is allowed to forget his promises and fill his fat face. That ain't just sexist, that's fucking barbaric.
But I guess it's okay because it's a religion. I mean, that's the way the world works, isn't it? You can be as big a jerk-ass as you want, as long as you put your jerk-ass ideas in a book and call it a philosophy.
Well, I'm announcing my own new philosophy - Crabbieism. In the Church of Crabbie there is no such thing as marriage, because only stupid people get married, and stupid people aren't allowed in the CoC. And straight people aren't allowed in either (so Tom can join if he wants), and neither are women (we don't need any of that PMS crap). The weekly service will consist of the consumption of large amounts of alcohol to be followed by the sacred ritual of the oiling up. And then we take communion - in the ass. Church members will be required to take turns being the receiver and the giver of the holy sacrament. And if the giver squirts early he will have to say ten Hail Barbras, and forfeits his turn to next be the receiver. This goes on until around eleven, at which point pastor Crabbie will need to get some shut-eye cause he ain't as young as he used to be. But pastor Crabbie doesn't mind everyone else having more fun, as long as they keep it the fuck down, and remember to wipe off the pews.
I am so going to hell. Oh well. At least I'll have Naomi Campbell to keep me company.
