April 2004: Pop star Britney Spears and dancer Kevin Federline meet at a nightclub in Hollywood. Federline drops to his knees and begins sniffing Britney's crotch, which reminds her so much of her beloved childhood dog that she immediately falls for him.
July 2004: Britney announces that she is engaged to Federline. Kevin is surprised at first, then someone explains to him that Britney is rich and famous and he should just roll with it. So he tells Britney it's all good.
September 2004: Britney and Kevin stage a phony wedding for the cameras. A real stripper jumps out of the phony cake, and Britney gets genuinely indignant. Federline explains that he thought it would be romantic, plus they could have a three-way later. Britney experiences her first doubts, but a good slug of whiskey takes care of that.October 2004: The real wedding takes place. A pre-nup has by now been signed. Britney is heavily medicated and Kevin is high on pixie sticks.
Late 2004: Britney announces that she is taking a break from her music career. Makers of high-end electronic voice-enhancing doo-dads see their stock value plummet.
April 2005: Britney tells the world via her website that she is pregnant. Kevin at first insists it wasn't him, then remembers that he's married to the bitch now and doesn't have to lie.
September 2005: Britney gives birth to her first child, Sean Preston, by Cesarean section. Afterward she expresses disappointment that she didn't get to see the stork.May 2006: Britney announces on David Letterman that she is again knocked up. By this point Kevin is drinking heavily. Then someone explains to him the concept of birth control and he knocks himself unconscious slapping himself in the forehead.
August 2006: Britney introduces fledgling rap-performer Kevin on the Teen Choice Awards. It's the first time Britney has ever heard Kevin rap. Her reaction is described as, "perplexed."September 2006: Britney pumps out a second child, Jayden James. Federline suggests she have a cork implanted.
October 2006: Kevin appears on WWE wrestling. Britney laughs at him, setting the stage for what is to come.
November 2006: Britney files for divorce from Kevin in L.A. County Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences. Friends of Britney are reported to be thrilled. Friends of Kevin are reported not to exist.
And at least one of them lived happily ever after...
