Crabbie is a surly, misanthropic person by nature, which is probably why grinning, perky people annoy him so much. Like Katie Couric. I never could stand that little bitch. I always wanted to burn her face off with a flamethrower then melt her skull with acid. I mean, who's that happy that early in the morning? Nobody. It's all so phony, that enthusiasm. And you could always tell with Couric that, under the surface, she was just the angriest, most vicious little troll. Then Katie got a little older, and the crinkliness sort of tempered that cutesy thing, and I stopped hating her so much. But that blank space in my personal Hall of Disdain was not empty long. No. Because, soon after, I got my first taste of a being so vile, so Mephistophelean, that Katie Couric seemed practically angelic by comparison.
I'm talking of course about Rachael Ray, the single most diabolical human being on the face of the earth. This bitch, I would like to do things to that I can't even put into words. Even the torture-masters in Saddam's prisons couldn't have concocted methods of pain-infliction horrific enough for this demon. Even Dante himself could not have imagined a hell sufficiently terrifying to give this monster the eternity of suffering she deserves.
All right, so I'm exaggerating a little. I don't really want Rachael Ray to burn forever in a sulphurous pit. A week or two would be enough. But seriously, this broad - I just can't stand her face. I want to shove cotton balls in her mouth until she can't breathe, then laugh as I spray her with lighter fluid and toss the match.
God. What's the matter with me? That's another human being I'm talking about.
Or is it?
Of course Rachael Ray is human. I think. Actually, a little further investigation might be in order. Are we sure this broad was actually born of woman? Cause it's possible she could've risen from some kind of belching, fiery pool. You know, and then taken human form. But I suppose, if she was truly demonic, there'd be all sorts of false records and things, so if anyone got suspicious, her true identity could be protected. She probably has agents on the earth whose whole purpose is to cover up the truth of her supernatural origins. I'm betting she arose from the fiery pool, or else there was some kind of Rosemary's Baby thing, a Satanic cult who impregnated a woman and then took the baby away and killed the woman. I don't know. I'm going to need to look into this more. If I'm right, then I think it's not too late to stop the other demons from coming through the portal. All I need is to find the right incantation in the Book of the Dead, and get some belladonna and eye of toad. And of course I'll have to sacrifice ten goats. But that's not a big deal. I know a guy who'll sell me some for half-price. Of course, I have to find an open field where I can burn a pentagram into the ground and tie a virgin to a pole so werewolves can ravish her. Damn, where am I going to find a virgin? This could be a problem...
Oh. I just remembered the point of the post. Rachael Ray had her show renewed for two more seasons. Jeez. Congratulations Rachael, you little nutty-bear.
