George Clooney is a certifiable Hollywood hunk. No doubt about it. A stud-muffin. A gorgeous, sexy man who makes Crabbie not able to control his salivary glands. And this being the case, certainly, George can have his pick of Hollywood hotties. When George walks into a room full of beautiful women, he should treat that room as one big buffet. Hmm, I'm feeling like a little chesty brunette with a side of svelte red-head tonight. Anything you want George. Just fill up your plate, and when you're done come back for seconds.
And yet, despite all the tasty cuisine at George's disposal, the guy still insists on occasionally grabbing himself a big handful of slimy muck and shoving it in his mouth. Okay, Crabbie, who are you calling a big handful of slimy muck? Uh...Pamela Anderson? We don't consider her gourmet fare do we? No. More like something you scraped from the bottom of a river. You know, the sort of thing you don't try eating until all the other food on earth has been consumed, and all the bugs, and the grass, and the cow poop, and the nice clean dirt, and the somewhat icky dirt. Pamela Anderson. Dear God, why is George Clooney going around with her?
No, it's not some strange feverish concoction of Crabbie's mind - it's real. According to witnesses, George wined-and-dined Pam at the Valley Inn in Sherman Oaks. The date went so well that Pamela wound up sitting on George's lap by the end of it (classy move in the middle of a restaurant), and since then the two have been sharing walks and, presumably, bodily fluids.
Ugh. You would've thought all those years of playing a doctor would've made George more sensitive to the dangers of venereal disease. Doesn't he have any regard for his health? And what about the rest of us? Now we have to imagine George Clooney and Pam Anderson together. That's just not right.
Seriously, this story is disturbing to me. George Clooney doing it with Pam Anderson. Of all the women in the world, he picks that oozing sore. What does he see in her? The opportunity to become King Stud of the World in the eyes of slobbering frat-boys? Woah, that George Clooney, he's awesome man. He's nailing Pam Anderson. Yeah, Pam. She's so like hot. Hey Billy, pass me the beer bong...
That's what it is, isn't it? That stupid heterosexual male competitiveness. In fact, George doesn't find Pam sexually attractive at all. But he thinks other men find her attractive, and his dopey-ass king of the hill instinct is telling him to bang her. I banged the woman every other man wants, so I win. But is it worth it George? Really? Just to be envied by a bunch of dirtbags? Is it worth having your dick turn green and fall off? I don't think so. But, it's your dick. You can do whatever you want with it.
Update: Mr. George Clooney is denying he ever had a date with Pamela Anderson. "I worked with Pam seven years ago and haven't seen her since," the actor said in a statement. "And I've never been to that restaurant."
Obviously, Clooney never went out with Anderson. And the speed of his denial demonstrates how revolted he is at the mere idea.
Thank goodness. I can sleep now.
