Details are beginning to trickle out about the events leading up to Lindsay Lohan's sudden but hardly shocking decision to check herself into rehab. Here's the gist: Lindsay went into the hospital on the 5th to have her appendix removed (we'll just go along with the appendix story for now). They gave her a whole bunch of painkillers - really good painkillers that allowed her to be running around partying within ten minutes of being released. The medication, along with the booze Lindsay was already ingesting (in spite of her insistence that she was sober; we all knew it wasn't water in those god damn bottles), turned her into even more of a train-wreck than usual. Per Lindsay's usual pattern, she started missing days on the movie she's been filming, the thriller I Know Who Killed Me. Then, on Golden Globes night, Lindsay went to Prince's after-party and got so loaded she wound up passed out in the hallway of the Beverly Wilshire. This, along with her absences from the set, convinced the producers of her movie that action needed to be taken. An intervention was staged by studio people and Lindsay's family, at which she was informed that, if she didn't clean up her act, she would be sued to the tune of $3 to $5 million. So, Lindsay finally relented, and admitted herself to the $1750-a-day Wonderland Center in Laurel Canyon. Reports say she showed up there yesterday, dressed in black tights and a leather jacket, and carrying a Balenciaga bag and Jamba Juice (thank you Page 6 for those oh-so-relevant details). Her rehab regimen will reportedly allow her to leave in the daytime to work on her movie, but she will be spending her nights at the gated facility, where, at last, the liquid in the bottles actually will be water (we think).
In a statement released yesterday, Lindsay's shamefully delinquent and really quite repulsive mother Dina praised her wayward progeny for taking this step to clean herself up. "I'm so proud of her, " said the delusional elder Lohan. "She's really in a good place right now, spiritually and mentally. She's in an amazing, phenomenal place. She's 20 and she's solid, and she's doing what she needs to do. I don’t know that many people who are that secure. It's all about her, and getting back on track. She's fine — she’s amazingly fine."
Right Dina. Lindsay's fine. And everything's going swimmingly in Iraq too.
Dina Lohan, a graduate of the George W. Bush School of Denial.
This story has gone down exactly as we might have predicted (had we bothered to try predicting it). Inevitably, Lindsay was going to have to take this step. She doesn't want to take this step of course; if she had her way, she would be back at Hyde tonight getting all liquored up. But, the movie executives did what somebody eventually had to do - they threatened to fuck with Lindsay's money. And the second that happened, Dina and everyone else around Lindsay panicked, and finally got serious and talked the dumb bitch into getting cleaned up.
Let me make this perfectly clear so everyone understands: Lindsay is not doing this because she's in a good place spiritually and mentally. She's doing it because the rich people who pay her threatened to put her in a bad place financially. And the people who leech off her for a living (Dina) got scared too, because the prospect of actually having to get jobs started looming. So, the only thing was for Lindsay to get her act together at least long enough to get through this movie.
What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall for that intervention. Those movie execs with their dead eyes and cold voices laying out for Lindsay exactly what would happen if she didn't shape up. No more sternly-worded letters. This time, if she didn't wise up, her career would be ruined. She would become uninsurable, and no one would ever hire her. She would wind up doing direct-to-video action movies with Steven Seagal, or porn, and pretty soon no one would remember her, and she'd wind up standing out on the street with Brandon Davis's obese brother. She would be a nobody. Like Hilary Swank, security guards would not know who she was. The paparazzi would run right over her trying to get to Paris. Even Jared Leto wouldn't want to sleep with her anymore. Nightmare.
Good decision, Linds. Hope you enjoy your water.
