There are a lot of men in this world who have issues with their masculinity. Like bodybuilders. There's no surer sign that you doubt your manhood than needing to pump yourself full of horse steroids in an attempt to resemble the Incredible Hulk (ironically shrinking your penis even further in the process). And, of course, there are men such as this in the world of Hollywood too. Lots of them. Men with Napoleonic complexes, like Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis. Sex-addict types like Wilmer Valderrama and Charlie Sheen who need their sexual prowise constantly validated by screwing every woman they can get their hands on. And, of course, there are the hopelessly whupped. Those poor unfortunate souls who, in their naivete, allow themselves to be roped in by women who must seem irresistibly alluring at first, but soon demonstrate themselves to be overbearing hussies utterly unwilling to yield even an inch in their eternal quest for gratification. These guys are the saddest cases of all. And, saddest among them, is the pitiful, down-trodden wretch known as Brad Pitt.
Oh Brad, how far you have fallen. Once a veritable god, you now have tumbled to the very bottom of the pit of despair, felled by your incomprehensible love for that succubus Angelina Jolie. Why, Brad, why? When she came to you all ashimmer with righteousness, why did you not see through her disguise? Were you so blinded by her mock-saintly aura? When she took your hand, did you not feel the prick of the thorn? You have been so badly deceived, Brad, so badly used. A thousand angels weep in agony at the horrible fate that has befallen you, bound to this blood-sucker, this false messiah.
But, it appears there may be hope for you after all Brad. It seems that you may be at least partially emerging from the trance the devil has placed you under. You seem at least in some measure aware of the horrible thing that has happened to you. Because, in an interview with Newsweek, you said this:
"I caught myself on the phone the other day. Leo [DiCaprio] has been playing some real strong men these last few years and I found myself saying, 'I want to play more of a man.' ... I got off the phone and I thought, 'No, live like a man, and the movies will follow.' "
Yes Brad. You are beginning to see the light. Live like a man and the movies will follow. Reclaim your balls. Take them back from that bitch before it's too late. The next time she wants you to jet off to some festering stinkhole, tell her no, you'd rather stay home with your hand down your pants watching the tube. The next time she wants to bring home some angry-faced Cambodian child as if he were a new poodle, tell her you've got enough damn kids, and now you'd like some peace and quiet. And then tell her to get her scrawny ass into the kitchen and whip you up some chili. Live like a man Brad (but watch your back; that bitch is liable to stab you right through the kidney if you're not careful).
