Update: Crazy Man Takes Over Hillary's New Hampshire Campaign Office

Some loon with a bomb strapped around his waist has taken over a Hillary Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. The nut-bag has apparently taken hostages, and is demanding to speak with Hillary personally.

Looks like Chris Dodd is off his meds again. I told them that guy was a disaster waiting to happen, but they just ignored me the bastards.

(source)

Update: The crazy dude in Hillary's campaign office is angry over the mental health care system in America. I knew Tom would snap sooner or later.

Rihanna's Butt: Too Big, Or Not Too Big Enough?

Rihanna is like Kim Kardashian only pretty, talented and semi-likable.

Half A Cute Couple

Katherine Heigl is very pretty. Her fiance Josh Kelley looks like he should be playing on the monkeybars with Pete Wentz.

Run Jude, Run

"I never should've had that ninth chalupa!"

Dude is totally bald.

Lance Armstrong Finds Age-Appropriate Playmate

I guess Lance Armstrong got sick of diddling with Ashley Olsen, cause here he is with some fitness babe named Kim Strother on his lap. Good. Ashley is way too young for him. Plus he ran the risk of being murdered by an enraged, jealous Bob Saget.

Lindsay Dumps Giles

Riley Giles will have to find someone else to cheese pot-money off of, cause he's been dumped by his girlfriend Lindsay Lohan.

Lohan and Giles reportedly split right after Thanksgiving weekend, which the couple spent with Lindsay's family on Long Island. Another report said Giles had ditched Lohan and her family during said weekend, preferring to spend his time in New York drinking while Lindsay remained back at home, embroidering pillows or whatever the fuck.

Lindsay and Riley originally met in rehab, and continued their relationship after leaving. Alas, their love was not to be. Oh Riley, where shall you find such a comfy couch to crash on? And a woman so willing to satisfy your insatiable desire for oral gratification?

Lindsay's mom? Oh Riley, you scamp...

(source)

Jake And Reese Got It On In A Plane

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon really are having sex, at least going by the account of a passenger on a recent Lufthansa flight who claims to have seen the famed celeb couple disappear together into a bathroom for a suspicious length of time.

The unnamed passenger told Star Magazine of seeing Reese board the plane with her six-person posse, and proceed to cuddle with an already-seated Jake beneath a blanket in their seats at the far back of the first-class section. The source says Reese finally got up to go to the lavatory, and was followed in by Jake a few minutes later. The two were reportedly in the loo together a total of eleven minutes. The source reports that, when the lovebirds finally emerged, the members of their entourage took pains to avoid making eye-contact with them. Jake reportedly tapped away on his laptop for a bit after that, then joined Reese for a little side-by-side nappy-poo.

See? Told you he wasn't gay.

(source)

Just What Little Timmy Always Wanted

What kid wouldn't love to tear the wrapping off their big old Christmas gift and discover...a roadkill plush toy?

Yes, a British company is coming out with a line of roadkill stuffed animals. The first is called Twitch the Raccoon. Poor Twitch comes with his own body bag, and a tag that says he was run over with a milk truck. For added fun, little budding serial killer Timmy can unzip Twitch and play critter coroner by removing his internal organs. The company, by the way, is called Compost Communications. I have no idea what the fuck they're thinking, but they are British, so they're probably trying to be dry and witty.

I personally would slap my mom silly if she bought me one of these (actually, I'd run in horror if my mom did anything since she's dead), but who knows - maybe today's twisted, over-medicated little monsters are into this kind of thing. If you wanna buy your brat one it will set you back $50, not including the cost of later therapy.

(source)

Cruise/Spielberg Unpleasantness

Everyone knew that Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg had something of a falling out, precipitated, we believed, by Spielberg's belief that Tom's couch-jumping, Scientology-flacking wackiness during the publicity campaign for War of the Worlds cost that film at the box-office. It turns out that there was more to it though. In the middle of a long article detailing the drama attending the merger of Dreamworks and Paramount, Vanity Fair writer Bryan Burrough refers to some bad shit that went down between Spielberg and Cruise, involving some of Cruise's more out-there personal beliefs. Burrough relates:

Spielberg felt [Cruise's] antics had hurt his own movie, 2005's War of the Worlds. Far worse, though, had been an episode when Spielberg told Cruise the name of a doctor who had prescribed medication to a relative and the doctor's office was subsequently picketed by Scientologists.

Presumably, the doctor referred to in the piece was a psychiatrist (this hasn't been substantiated apparently), and the picket was part of Scientology's efforts to highlight the evils of modern psychiatric drugs. It wasn't long after this incident that Cruise saw his development deal with Paramount expire, forcing him to seek out another umbrella under which to produce his films. Upon ending the 14-year business relationship with Cruise, Viacom (they own Paramount) President Sumner Redstone said:

As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal. His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.

I think Sumner was being kind when he said "as much as we like him personally." Cause I don't think he, or Steven Spielberg, or a lot of other people in the movie business like Tom much at all. Especially not when he goes around using information related in confidence, like when Spielberg spoke to him for whatever reason about the doctor, to help Scientology in spreading its twisted gospel of thetans, E-meters and niacin treatments.

It says something about Cruise, I think, that he would choose to go about his business in this way. First of all it says that he's a slimy bastard for whom friendship really isn't all that important. And second of all, it says that he places his idiot religion above his career - which is self-defeating, because without his career as a movie star affording him a platform from which to speak, he is of no particular value to Scientology. This guy is probably so deluded, though, that he thinks he was allowed into the inner-sanctum of Scientology just based on how brilliant he is or because people in the church really dig him. He's in denial about the fact that he bought his way into it, and people are only nice to him because he's rich and famous.

I'll never forget the story I heard once about Tom: It was the day he was to get his star on the Walk-of-Fame. He was waiting in his limo a short distance from the ceremony, overcome with nervousness at the fear that no one would show up. He sent the driver over to see what kind of crowd there was, and when the driver came back Tom said, "Is anyone there?" To which the driver replied, "Only thousands of screaming women." At which point Tom's face lit up, and he exited the limo and went to meet the adoring throngs. Sick, insecure little putz - he needs so badly to be loved and admired, but will still stab his friends in the back at the chance to advance his little nutty personal agenda. That guy is one confused, twisted little fucker.

(source)

Katie's Hair Is Trying To Kill Her

Tom and Katie made another bullshit appearance in Germany. Tom decided to go with the teenage Hitler cut, while Katie went with the full head-hugging thing, the better to hide the wires sticking out of her chrome skull I guess.

Kim Kardashian Is A Liar As Well As A Cheap Whore

Kim Kardashian claimed the other day that she was robbed while being mobbed by fans at New York's JFK airport. Only problem - no one ever reported the alleged theft to the authorities, who now say the whole thing was nothing but a publicity stunt.

So Kim Kardashian lied about someone stealing $50,000 worth of stuff from her at the airport? I'm more amused by the part about her being "mobbed by fans." That was the whole reason for the lie about the theft - she wanted people to actually think she was molested by this adoring throng, and in the process one of them made off with her stuff. What a pitiful excuse for a human being. Honestly - the assholes from The Hills are even ashamed of this bitch.

(source)

Julia Roberts Chases Down Pap, Bitches Him Out

Ha ha...kick his ass Jules. Crazy bitch.

I wonder if she had the kids in the car with her as she was chasing the pap down the street.

Wilson Bags Bionic Babe

The game of musical chairs that is Owen Wilson's sex-life has landed on a new piece of semi-famous tail: Michelle Ryan, star of NBC's failed revival of The Bionic Woman.

Reports say Owen and Michelle have been spending a lot of time together lately, dining at Nobu and body-boarding at Malibu beaches. A source explains Owen's interest:

Michelle’s one of the few women in Hollywood who looks like herself and hasn’t had loads of work done. She’s refreshingly natural. She’s also pretty innocent about how this whole town works, which Owen finds endearing. And then there’s that British sense of humour.

In other words Michelle is young and basically unspoiled, and now she's going out with Owen Wilson which means that, within a month, she'll be broke and strung out and just trying to find someone to buy her a plane ticket back to England.

Funny how Owen keeps roping in all these attractive young women, isn't it? Jessica Simpson. Le Call. Now Michelle Ryan. The whole "I tried to kill myself not long ago, but I'm okay now" line must be working out great for him. Wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out Owen faked the whole suicide thing just so he could play the whole poor, sensitive, suffering man thing with broads he was trying to nail. Women eat that shit up I'm told.

(source)

Tom-Bashing Biography A Bore?

Andrew Morton's new biography of Tom Cruise was supposed to blow the lid off the actor's sordid past, revealing previously-unknown details about his sex-life and Scientology activities. It appears, however, that the heavily-researched book falls somewhat short of expectations. British publishers have reportedly decided not to even print it. As one source explained to the Daily Mail:

Morton hasn't unearthed anything sensational about Cruise that would make the book a blockbuster.

Of course - because there isn't anything to unearth. We already know he's a closeted homo, and that he's intimately involved with a cult that believes our bodies are infested with alien ghosts, and that said cult uses thuggish tactics on people who criticize it. And that he auditioned a bunch of young actresses to be his wife before settling on, and paying off, Katie Holmes. And that Steven Spielberg hates his guts for acting an ass during the publicity run-up to War of the Worlds, hurting the movie's box-office. And that his one big dream in life is to give it to David Beckham in the ass.

I could've written that book without doing even a jot of research. So why the hell should Morton get credit for "revealing" the same crappy stories that have been on the web for years? Morton is clearly only trying to tap into the anti-Cruise sentiment to make a quick buck. And his hype-campaign has been pathetic by the way - claiming to have been chased from his home by Scientology thugs. What a giant steaming load.

(source)

Blake Fielder-Civil To Write "Motivational Diary" For Amy Winehouse

Blake Fielder-Civil is worried that his wife Amy Winehouse won't be able to cope with life while he's rotting away in jail. So, good husband that he is, Blake has taken it upon himself to write Amy a "motivational diary," which he hopes will assist her in dealing with her troubles.

Fielder-Civil's mother Georgette explains:

He wants her to feel as if they're still sharing life and he's with her every day. Blake thinks that if Amy has a little thing to do for him each day that'll propel her on, give her something to work towards and get her out of bed in the morning.

"A little thing to do for him each day." Is this a "motivational diary" or instructions on how to smuggle drugs into prison?

Hello Amy, my love.

As always I am thinking about you every minute. I eagerly await the day when we can be re-united and continue our life together. Until then, I have a little job for you. I want you to go and buy yourself a really big, baggy overcoat with deep pockets. And then I want you to call up our good friend Jorgen. Tell him you want 3 shirts delivered to the usual place. When you get the shirts, stuff them in the inside pockets of the overcoat. Make sure to wear the overcoat the next time you swing by for visiting day. I've already paid off the guards to give you a half-hearted frisk. Besides which, they don't really like touching you anyway.

With all the love in my heart,

Blake

(source)

Ben Affleck Builds A Doll House

"Matt is gonna love his Christmas present this year."

Britney Goes Loco At Adult Store

Patrons of the Hustler Store in West Hollywood got a special treat on November 18 - a taste of Britney Spears's own special brand of chocolate-coated crazy.

US Weekly reports exclusively that, in the wee hours of the morning on the 18th, Britney made a bizarre spectacle of herself inside the adult shop. It began when Britney snatched up a bunch of underwear emblazoned with amusing phrases like "Barely Legal" (yes, I know, Britney buying underwear is a shock in-and-of-itself) and headed for the fitting room, but was told by employees that people weren't allowed to try on underwear. Britney, in a tiff, decided to drop her undies in the middle of the store, in full sight of everyone, and pull on a pair of the new boyshorts. A witness reports:

The employees kept saying "Don't change out here!" She's just like, "Well, I couldn't take them in the fitting room!" It was like dealing with a child.

Britney then carried her purchases to the counter to check out. The source said:

The staff told her she had to pay, and she rolled her eyes, but paid with a credit card. ... on her way out, she went up to a mannequin, snatched the wig off the head, and stole it!

Way to stick it to the man Britney. Yeah. No one tells you what to do, right? Fuck those fucking capitalists and their fucking rules.

Why does the word "sociopath" sudden leap into my head?

(source)

Sarah Jessica Parker Needs Fashion Advice

Those pants. Gaaaaa. What did Horseface do, break into the house of the dead guy from Quiet Riot and raid his closet? She couldn't wait for the garage sale?

Mary-Kate Lives (Sort Of)

Mary-Kate Olsen survived her kidney infection and is back out being dour and creepy. Just to show everyone that she's totally back to normal, Mary-Kate plucked a rat from atop a garbage can, bit it in half and drank its blood. Welcome back Mary-Kate.

Julia And Hazel

Julia Roberts takes her daughter Hazel for a walk. I'm not saying nothing this time - I'm done making fun of little kids. That kind of guilt, I don't need. I do need to ask one question though: Why does Hazel look like she came out of one of those Tim Burton/Nightmare Before Christmas-type movies? Did Julia have sex with Jack Skellington?

I'm sorry. I'm done.

Jessica Regrets Leaving Nick

Jessica Simpson broke up with Nick Lachey two years ago, and apparently still isn't over it. A source told US Weekly:

There are definitely parts of her that regret breaking up with Nick now.

We can only guess which parts those are. Actually, we don't want to guess. We just want to know why Jessica keeps throwing herself at men she can't have. Luckily, US Weekly commissioned a relationship expert to explain it all for us. The expert said of Jessica's recent sleep-around strategy:

It's possible Jessica is conflicted about being in a committed relationship again, so she is dating men who are unattainable.

The list of men Jessica has bedded in a vain attempt to forget Nick includes John Mayer, Orlando Bloom, Tony Romo and Owen Wilson. All men who only fucked Jessica because she has big old titties and can't think so good. And because they were trying to make people think they weren't gay.

What Jessica obviously needs is a man who will respect her for what she is. Love her no matter what. Expect almost nothing of her. Protect her and nurture her and allow her to come to full fruition as a woman. And she already knows a man like that - a man who wants to fuck her worse than anyone has ever wanted to fuck someone. Unfortunately, it's her father.

Poor Jessica, it seems, is doomed to a life of bitter loneliness. Maybe she could start a knitting club with Jennifer Aniston?

(source)

Giles Ditches Lindsay To Party

Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend Riley Giles wanted nothing to do with a quiet family weekend at stately Lohan Manor. Page 6 reports that the pot-smoking leech - that would be Giles - skipped out on Lindsay and the clan's post-Thanksgiving together-time, and went to New York to party it up in a fashion not commensurate with the sort of tee-totaling lifestyle Lindsay has now been forced by circumstance to take up.

Sources close to Lindsay say her relationship with Giles is headed straight for the rocks, largely because Riley refuses to curb his partying despite Lindsay's need for calm. Meanwhile, Lindsay has reportedly found a new pastime to fill her boozeless, drugless hours - shopping.

No, Lindsay has not followed her father into the House of the Lord. Unless the Lord lives at Armani Exchange.

(source)

Hogan Funny Business?

Kimberley Kohn, an attorney for brain-dead Nick Hogan pal John Graziano, claims the sudden divorce filing by Hulk's wife Linda is part of a ploy intended to protect the family's assets when a civil suit is finally filed against them on Graziano's behalf. It's all too complicated for the Crabster so I'll just let St. Petersburg Times writer Tamara El-Khoury explain it:

Kohn said Monday a divorce could be one step the Bolleas could take to try to protect assets. That's because it could cut Terry [Hulk] Bollea's assets in half, she said.

Nick Bollea faces a felony charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury, and attorneys for John Graziano's estranged parents have said they intend to file a lawsuit as a result of the crash.

But if the Supra and the Viper are not registered to both parents, it could be harder to go after Mrs. Bollea individually, Kohn said. The mother's degree of control over who used the vehicles would have to be determined.

I've got a simpler solution to all of this. Instead of somebody suing somebody for money, how about just making the person directly responsible pay for their actions in an appropriate manner? Nick Hogan, I think, should be the only one held liable for Graziano's injuries. I mean he was the idiot driving the car. It's immaterial how he got to be an idiot in the first place - at some point little dumb-asses with dumb-ass parents who raised them to have no respect for society or even human life have to be taught the concept of personal accountability.

What would constitute a suitable punishment though? Jail? A suspended license? Too unimaginative. No, I think Nick should be subjected to something more poetic. I think Nick, for at least the next ten years, should have to live with John Graziano. He should have to keep John company during every waking moment. He should have to feed John his baby food, and clean the shit from him, and change his catheter and whatever else is required from a maintenance stand-point. Too extreme you say? Well, the Crabster is not without compassion even for asshats like Nick Hogan. If at any time Nick should become unable to take it anymore, he should have the choice to opt out of his punishment and accept what's behind door number 2 - a bullet to the back of the fucking head.

That, my friends, is Crabbie justice.

(source)

Vanessa Hudgens's Mom Keeps Her Shirt On

Look Vanessa, a fire hydrant. Oh come on - you know want to...

One Year Ago Today...

Remember what we were doing a year ago at this time? Yup - following Britney's poon-flashing adventures with Paris. For some reason I thought it would be funny to stick an ice cream cone between Britney's boobs. That must've been an even slower day than today.

In new news...Kim Kardashian got robbed at the airport and no one gave a fuck.

Winehouse Cancels Tour

Amy Winehouse has decided to cancel the remainder of her tour dates for the year after several disastrous shows, and a flood of complaints by irate ticket-buyers. Winehouse explained on her website:

I can't give it my all onstage without my Blake. I'm so sorry but I don't want to do the shows half-heartedly; I love singing. My husband is everything to me and without him it's just not the same.

Yeah, right Amy - it's all about your husband being in jail. It's not about you being a pitiful drunk who can't keep her shit together long enough to sing a couple of songs. Nice excuse though.

(source)

Has She Been Drinking Olsen Juice?

When did Gwyneth Paltrow become vaguely creepy? I mean, she was always annoying and shit, but never actually unsettling.

Such A Handsome Woman

"Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Oh, I'm sorry Ms. Kidman...honest mistake..."

Still Faking It

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are apparently committed to maintaining the fiction that is their friendship. I can't honestly see why since that show isn't on anymore (is it?), and since no one really cares about either one of them anyway. What do they think they gain by being seen together? And why does Nicole put up Paris at all when every time Nicole turns around Paris is trying to screw her, as evidenced by Paris's recent plot to sell pictures from Nicole's baby shower to the tabs? Someone needs to wake that bitch up.

James Haven Talks Crap Again

Angelina's creepy brother James Haven is once again flapping his gums about what a wonderful, caring person he is. Here's James on the strong feelings the poor, suffering people of the world inspire in him:

I'm so sensitive. If a building has been condemned or it's left to ruin, I get so upset. I feel something really deeply about it. I don't like to see anything neglected. If I see a down-and-out I can't walk past, it really gets to me and I want to do everything I can.

I can totally relate to your feelings James. Like, whenever I'm in a bakery, and see some delicious cake or pie or other pastry sitting there neglected, I just feel so strongly about it - I have to do something. So I buy the cake or pie or whatever, and take it home and make a nice warm, safe place for it in my tummy. It's the least I can do, really.

Seriously, what the fuck does this shit-for-brains think he's proving by constantly trumpeting his compassionate nature? Is he trying to make people less uncomfortable around him? Sorry James, but it's not working. You're just flat-out creepy. It doesn't matter how much you tear up over urban decay, or how many quarters you hand out to smelly, drunken indigents - you will always be a bug-eyed freak.

Please James - just stop talking. Stop telling us how great you are and how great Angelina is. No one is as great as you purport you and your sister to be. No one is as pure of motive or innocent of heart as you apparently believe you are. You live in a sick, creepy, butt-lipped fantasy world. And your sister is even ickier and more self-obsessed than you are.

(source)

Spice Girls Give Suri Private Show

The Spice Girls got a nice treat while they were rehearsing recently in L.A. - a visit from Scientology Jesus Tom Cruise, his automaton-wife Katietron and their adorable little alien-daughter Suri. Posh said of the visit:

[My husband David Beckham] and I are great friends with Tom and Katie. It was lovely of them to come down to rehearsals, a really nice surprise. Katie has told me before that she used to be a big Spice fan so it was great for her to meet the other girls.

The Slag Girls reportedly treated Tom and company to a little impromptu performance that had Suri dancing along. Suri can be forgiven though - she's too young to know about lip-syncing.

(Message to Tom Cruise: Liking the Spice Girls is not going to help all the gay rumors.)

(source)

Hopsy Has A New Man

Evil lying hag Heather Mills has found another man who is willing to sleep with her - milliner-turned-sculptor David Shilling. One word David: pre-nup.

Page 6 says Heather and David went to a fashion opening in Monaco together, where David introduced her to Prince Albert II. But I thought Heather hated rich people. Oh, that's right - she only hangs out with them so they'll give her money for her causes. I guess that means she's only fucking this Shilling fellow so he'll cough up dough to stop seals being clubbed or little Africans being blown up by landmines. Heather Mills - she's a whore with a purpose.

This David Shilling is either an idiot or just really kinky and into being stumped in the ass. There's no other explanation for why a man would have anything to do with someone as evil as Heather. Unless they just enjoyed being fleeced for millions by a demonic harlot.

(source)

Hulk And Linda: The Divorce Drama

Linda Hogan filed divorce papers against her husband the Hulkster last week, but new reports say that Linda is having second thoughts about terminating the couple's 24-year marriage. A source told TMZ:

She keeps saying to him "Can't we find a way to make this work?" She doesn't want to see the family break up. She really wants to work it out with him. But it is like pushing up against a brick wall. She is heartbroken about it.

Pushing against a bald, roided-up brick wall with a withered peepee - not a great way to spend one's post-menopausal years.

We all know it's about the withered peepee right?

Sources say the recent unpleasantness surrounding son Nick and his unfortunate driving habits is actually at the heart of Hulk and Linda's problems. Sounds like a classic case of the old blame-game, eh? Hulk and Linda each reproaching the other for turning the little fucker into a spoiled social deviant. And then there's Brooke and her obvious gender issues. At some point, someone needs to help Brooke come to grips with being a man.

I hope the family can work it out. I really do. Cause love is such a rare thing. And really, what are Hulk's chances of finding another woman willing to put up with his shrunken penis and emerging steroid boobs? I'd hate to see an American icon like the Hulkster wind up haunting public parks in search of butt sex. That would be...just fucking tragic man.

(source)

Birkhead Takes Dannielynn Shopping

"God, I wish they had this in my size..."

Disgraced Model Checks Into Rehab

Sophie Anderton has taken action in the wake of her outing as a coke-sniffing prostitute by an undercover reporter for News of the World - by checking herself into rehab.

This will help with the coke-sniffing part, I guess, but isn't going to do a lot for the whoring thing. Unless there is now rehab for people who sell their bodies to reporters for house-payment money.

Anderton, who I'd never heard of until the NOTW story broke, is reportedly distraught over the public now knowing that she does blow and casually offers herself to people in exchange for cash. A family friend said:

She's been screaming and crying down the phone, yelling, "It's all over." Sophie is absolutely shattered. Everyone is terrified about her state of mind.

Oh, buck up Sophie. It's not like you had much of a career to lose in the first place, right? Otherwise you wouldn't have needed to whore yourself out. And it's not as if people had some image of you as this straight-laced individual. Most of us, in fact, had no image of you at all. And those who did only cared about your tits anyway. Seriously - you think the wank-pots downloading your pictures on the internet give a shit if you do blow? And about the whoring thing...shit Sophie, that only makes you more attractive to them. These people are dirtbags and you're a dirtbag - so it seems to me you've already got things where you want them. Going straight will only mess all that up.

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Putting The "Brit" In Britney

Britney Spears, like her on-again/off-again pal Madonna, has reportedly begun affecting a British accent. Unlike Madonna, who talks like a fake duchess pretty much all the time, Britney apparently only whips out her accent when she's doing business - a habit that has begun grating on certain people's nerves.

A Britney insider described the situation this way:

It's very distracting. It seems she is using a British accent when she talks to people outside her circle of friends. One of her people claimed she was studying for a film role.

Britney's hauling out the old "it's all for a movie role" excuse again? Just like when she went after the paps with the umbrella and tried to make everyone believe it was because she was auditioning for a part and couldn't get herself out of character? Oh dear - Britney is Al Pacino now.

Well, she's about as sexy as Pacino.

(source)

Rhys Meyers To His Female Colleagues: Get Those Knickers Off

Jonathan Rhys Meyers has no time whatsoever for actresses who aren't willing to disrobe for a part. The delicious, oft-drunken mess of an Irish actor said:

I can't stand actresses who won't take their clothes off. It drives me nuts. I want to cut their ears off. If it says in the script you're naked, be naked, instead of moaning and saying, "I really don't want to show my tits, I don't want to show my arse."

I have the same issue with people I lure into my apartment. It irritates me when they won't strip down. And it really irritates me when they refuse to contribute to my shit sculpture. Uptight bastards.

(source)

Lindsay's A Good Influence Now

Lindsay has been playing big sis to little Ali lately. Here we see them out shopping in New York on Blaaaaaaahck Friday, Ali with the bright red nail-polish and Lindsay with her fish-lips and fake hair and bizarre skin-tone. Ali looks petrified to me, while Lindsay just appears to be spacing. I predict lots of family therapy in their future.

Reese Turns Down Jake's Marriage Proposal

Jake Gyllenhaal reportedly proposed to "girlfriend" Reese Witherspoon during their recent highly-photographed trip to Rome. And Reese reportedly turned the yummy Jake down flat.

Now why in God's name would a troll like Witherspoon turn down a marriage proposal from that Olympian god Jake? You'd think the little dwarf would be flattered to have him even look at her twice. Apparently, however, Reese is still stinging from the bust-up of her previous marriage, to Ryan Phillippe, plus she has the kids to think about. A source told the National Enquirer:

Reese wants to take things very slowly because of her two young children. She doesn't want anything to upset or disrupt them. It took her a while to introduce them to Jake - she didn't want them to know they were a couple until they were definitely serious about each other.

They are madly in love. They really are the perfect couple.

I was struck by that line, "She doesn't want to upset or disrupt them." It made me think about Angelina and how she upsets and disrupts the lives her own children seemingly at a whim. I guess some people are more about their kids, while others are more about themselves.

Anyway, getting back to Jake and Reese. I guess I can accept that Reese doesn't want to rush into anything, but damn - it's Jake Gyllenhaal. If I'm Reese, I'd want to nail him down as fast as possible - before this whole hetero phase passes and he goes back to chasing Lance Armstrong up and down the countryside. I'm sure Reese didn't get where she is in show biz by being timid and not grabbing for the brass ring, so, I think she knows what she has to do. She'll change her mind soon.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Is Not To Be Messed With

Amy Winehouse went to visit her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in jail, and needless to say, was not happy to have the paps all over her as she did so. One suggestion to Amy, if she really wants to keep a lower profile when she goes out, would be to lose the beehive and the other stuff that screams "Amy Winehouse." Make yourself look like any other slaggy bitch going to visit her dirtbag husband in the slammer and maybe they wouldn't notice you. Oh, but not being noticed - that would be awful, wouldn't it Amy?

Heather Mills: Giant Liar Or Just Delusional?

Heather Mills must think we are all incredibly naive and gullible. Either that or the woman is buried so deep in her own delusions that reality has become to her little more than a distant flicker of light. Whatever the case, Heather has now unleashed the most outrageous statement of her entire life - and that's saying something, when you consider the insane fabrications she has come up with in the past.

Heather Mills, celebrity animal-rights activist and denizen of the Hamptons, has claimed publicly that she actually despises rich people, and only associates with them as a way of advancing her causes. No, I'm not making it up. Here is the exact quote:

Sadly, you have to mix at a certain level of people to raise the level of funds you need to bring about the greater good. Because people are very snobby. These people who have lots of money, they're either snobby or they're stingy. If you have lots of money, you have to be stingy - because why would you want that amount of money?

Now it all comes clear. The entire arc of Heather's existence. From back in the days when she was selling herself to rich Arab businessmen, all the way up to her marriage with Paul McCartney and subsequent attempt to fleece him for millions in the divorce settlement. It was never about Heather wanting to have lots of money, or Heather wanting to be famous - it was always about how deeply Heather cared about the poor animals, and the poor landmine victims; and wasn't it so noble of Heather to sacrifice so much by putting up with all those snobby rich people so her causes could be properly funded?

At this point, I don't know whether to despise Heather Mills even more or actually admire her. I have to hand it to her at least - she has a lot of nerve. To say something like that in public - this requires an audacity that is actually heroic in a twisted way. I mean, to follow through on one's lies that thoroughly - that's committment. Who among us would be willing to take our own bullshit that far? Most of us would've long-since caved in, the burden of lying having overwhelmed us. But not Heather. She is made of sterner stuff.

Unless of course Heather is just flat-out insane, in which case I suppose we have to feel sorry for her. Not so sorry for her that we won't still make fun of her though.

Heather, the gift that keeps on giving, did not stop with the ridiculous assertion outlined above. She went on:

If you look at every single person in the history of the world who has tried to make a difference, you'll find a very long section of their lives where they were treated horrifically by the government or by the media.

Ah. So now Heather thinks she's Jesus. Gandhi. Joan of Arc. I was sort of wondering when that shit would start. Paranoid delusions tend to run in that grandoise direction. You never see people with severe persecution complexes comparing themselves to Joe the baker or Steve the hairdresser do you? Yes Heather, in a thousand years you'll be remembered as the one-legged Joan of Arc of the animals. Of course you'll have to die in some horrific way first like being burned at the stake. How convenient that you come with your own kindling.

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Lourdes To Star In New Harry Potter?

Madonna's daughter Lourdes has been offered a role in the new Harry Potter movie.

I've been told I'm a mean person for posting that picture up there. I only did so as a way of demonstrating why Lourdes might be perfect for a role in a Harry Potter movie. Cause, you know, they wouldn't have to make her up or anything. If she was playing a troll or something.

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Nick Hogan's License Suspended

Nick Hogan has had his license yanked for a year by the Florida Department of Highway Safety & Motor Vehicles. Here's the kicker though - the suspension actually stems from an incident that happened months before the infamous crash that cost John Graziano his faculties.

Back in April, Hogan was ticketed by cops for going 106 mph. But the Florida authorities only just got around to deeming Hogan a danger to the public based on that particular offense.

It's too little, too late for John Graziano obviously. Then again, he did voluntarily get in the car with Hogan, so it's hard to have that much sympathy for him.

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Rihanna Has Lunch

Now she's sexy. Forget about all that "Umbrella" shit.

Uh, Amy? You've Got A Little Something...

Come on now. No jumping to conclusions. It could just be a big, suspiciously white booger you know. I mean it does happen. Right?

Who Does Heather Mills Think She's Kidding?

One-legged nuisance Heather Mills is threatening to cut off the media after accusing numerous outlets of misrepresenting recent statements she made about drinking rats' milk.

Heather, a crusader for veganism, said as part of an anti-cow campaign that cows' milk is bad, and asked, perhaps rhetorically:

Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?

Heather's point being, I guess, that our attachment to cows' milk is based on something arbitrary and if we were all as enlightened as she is we would immediately see the error of our ways and begin living as she does.

Oh, but the media didn't "get" what Heather was saying. The media failed to see her statement as the rhetorical flourish it was meant to be and accused her of actually advocating the consumption of rats' milk. So now Heather has become the rats' milk lady and isn't that a grand joke on Heather?

Old Heather apparently does not think the grand joke is very funny. Now, the bitch is threatening to boycott the media in retaliation for their persistent mockery. Heather's looney spokeswoman Michele Elyzabeth fumed:

Heather married Paul McCartney, period. It's not going away. And during this divorce they [the media] will need access and are not going to get it. They are assholes. There are limits and they make fun of her. They've crossed the line.

Hold on a second while I clean up the cows' milk I just squirted from my nose.

Honestly, do Heather and Michele actually think we believe the jive they're trying to lay on us? That Heather would stop giving the media access just because she's mad? For God's sake, Heather can't live without attention. If the media suddenly stopped covering her, she'd probably hang herself (which is why I actually advocate the media no longer covering her).

Heather is yet another asshole celeb who thinks she can have it both ways - she thinks she can use the press as a way of getting out her personal agenda, disseminating her blather about cows and whatever other ideas have lodged themselves in her twisted mind, but then when things go the other way and she gets criticized and mocked, suddenly the media are her enemies and she's going to cut them off. Well I hate to break it to you Heather, but without the media you are nothing. Without the press as an outlet for your silliness you are merely an angry, one-legged shrew pissing and moaning about whatever, no different than any random nut screaming about the end of the world on a street corner.

Seriously Heather - no one cares that you think cows are bad. Cows probably are destroying the earth with all the methane they fart out, and God knows the damage that's being done to us by the hormones and other shit people put into cows that then gets into us via milk and meat. But all that isn't going to be fixed because of raving lunatics like you plastering your ugly mugs on billboards and behaving all outraged on television. So please Heather, shut up and let the responsible people deal with things, okay? Stop hurting what might be worthy causes by injecting yourself into the conversation and giving people like me an excuse to ignore the real issue and just make fun of you.

If you really cared about all the stuff you say you care about, Heather dear, you'd recognize the harm you're doing and just get out of the way. But that will never happen, because you're not really motivated by a desire to help anyone or anything - you're just another self-serving piece of shit, a publicity-whore and a psychological wreck who has convinced herself that she's some kind of righteous crusader, perhaps because this makes her feel less worthless.

So yeah, Heather, why not make good on your threat to cut off the media? You'd actually be doing everyone a favor. In a couple days we'd find someone else to make fun of. We'd soon, and gladly, forget you ever existed.

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Aniston Chases Off Another Friend

Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox are reportedly no longer speaking. The big rift in their relationship happened because Cox was supposed to drop everything and fly to Oregon to hang with Jen while she was working on a movie but Courteney had to change her plans when husband David Arquette could not accompany her, and told her he didn't want her going without him.

A source explained the situation to Star magazine:

[Jennifer] called Courteney from Portland. She’d had a bad day on the set and wanted to talk about it. She was hoping Courteney might come to Oregon to see her. But when Courteney told her it wasn’t a good time, Jen lost it. She broke down and screamed that Courteney wasn’t supportive and never makes time for her anymore. ... Courteney was blown away. She feels like all she ever does is listen to Jennifer whine. ... Courteney told Jen that she was being selfish. But Jen didn’t want to hear it and slammed down the phone. They haven’t talked since.

And of course what did Jen do after being spurned by her pal Courteney? Started emailing Brad Pitt, then calling him. Star says Jen has been "flirty" with Brad in their exchanges. And that faint sulphurous odor you perceive? That's the smoke coming out of Angelina's ears.

We all know Jennifer is a really needy, clinging person, but dang - sounds like she's gone completely off the rails here. I mean, Courteney has her own life, right? A husband. A brood. It's not like she can press pause on all that and fly off to Oregon every time Jen needs someone to cry to. Jen needs to find somebody else to dump all that shit onto - a bartender, or perhaps an operator at a suicide prevention hotline. That's what those people are for.

And poor Brad, still feeling an obligation toward Jennifer after all this time. It's kind of sweet I guess but I don't know - sounds dangerous to me. Especially knowing who the main woman is in his life. You know, the chick who likes knives and blood? Brad needs to make a choice - does he want to keep being pals with Jen or does he want to keep living? That should be a no-brainer, I would think.

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Adrien Brody Nearly Killed By Cow

Actor Adrien Brody had a brush with death while buzzing around on his motorcycle in India recently. The Oscar-winner recounts:

I almost died. I was behind a tuk-tuk, one of those little motorized rickshaws, when the driver suddenly pulled to the side and revealed a cow walking away from me on the road. I jammed on the brakes, skidded and nearly slammed straight into it.

I was laughing because it seemed so absurd. I was thinking, "This is going to be the way I'll be remembered: rear-ending a cow - all the years of hard work and this is it."

Rear-ending a cow, huh? That doesn't sound like such a bad way to go.

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Clooney Rides

"Getcha motor running...head out on the highway. Lookin' for adventure...or some nice wayside butt-sex..."

Mary-Kate Olsen Has An Infected Kidney

Mary-Kate Olsen was admitted to the ER in New York Monday with a kidney infection, her reps report. Sounds like someone's been sucking too much drunken homeless guy blood again.

Naw, I kid. It's not the bad blood that did it. It's that Mary-Kate's kidneys are actually monkey kidneys she had put in after the real ones escaped. The monkey kidneys are now apparently rebelling. Maybe she should try pig kidneys next time.

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No One Brings The Crazy Like Bai Ling

What was that about the cow? I don't know, but I think Heather Mills is gonna be pissed when she hears about it.

Janice Dickinson Rips Posh's Fashion Sense

Insufferable fame-whore Janice Dickinson has called out Victoria Beckham for having no style. Janice said:

I think it's [Posh's style] absolutely horrible! I don't get it at all. I think she should gain a little weight. With all due respect, you want an icon, give me Princess Diana. I don't get this. Oh please, she doesn't even smile. She needs some fashion tips. I'd take her on in a heartbeat.

Yes Janice, Posh doesn't smile. And another thing she doesn't do is stick her legs in the air at the slightest urging, giving everyone a nice whiff of cobwebby old lady poon. And she also doesn't stagger around loaded on booze and pills at 2 in the afternoon.

Far be it from me to defend Posh, who is an utterly absurd human being, but come on. Janice Dickinson is the last person who should be criticizing anyone else for having no taste. And please Janice, don't throw Princess Di in my face, all right hon? She and Jackie O are the first people low-rent slags like you bring up when they're trying to show that they know class. Do you think that by acknowledging people who comported themselves in a dignified manner in public (if not always in private) you can somehow acquire a measure of that dignity yourself? Don't make me laugh. You haven't got a shred of dignity, you shrill, mindless old coot. The only thing you have to peddle is your willingness to behave outrageously, so dignity for you would only be an impediment. Now please fuck off, you fake-faced, fake-titted relic. And try to keep your legs closed for more than five seconds, okay?

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