What Exactly is Madonna Thinking?

Someone kicked sand in Madonna's face at the beach I think. That's the only explanation for this. Seriously...what the hell?

Kathie Lee Gifford Returning to Daytime TV

Before there was Rachael Ray, there was a another foul demoness named Kathie Lee Gifford.

Many rejoiced when Kathie Lee made the decision years ago to leave her popular morning program with Regis Philbin (including Regis). Now, Kathie Lee has plunged us all back into darkness by returning to daytime TV as hostess of the fourth hour of The Today Show.

Fourth hour? How about fourth ring of hell?

Kathie Lee will reportedly be teamed with someone named Hoda Kotb. Hoda needs to call up Vanna and get herself a vowel methinks. And after a few days on the air with Kathie Lee, she will also need a reservation for a nice padded room.

“It’s going to be a new experience because this time it’s with a girlfriend,” Kathie Lee said of being teamed with Kotb. “Regis was like a bad little brother all those years.”

And Hoda's like what? Your little sister who does everything you tell her because she doesn't want you to feed her dollies to the dog anymore?

Fuck you Kathie Lee.

Yes We Can...Go Bowl a Few Frames...

Barack Obama looks all wrong bowling. He should be fat and have sauce from his buffalo wings all over his shirt. Nice shoes though.

Keri Russell's Baby May Actually be Some Kind of Monkey, Possibly from Madagascar

Keri Russell's kid must've been rolling around on a carpet. I still say he's a monkey and not a kid.

Lara Flynn Boyle WTF?

Lara Flynn Boyle looks like a bloated corpse. Seriously. I bet you she can't even speak with those lips. She tries to order shit at restaurants and it just sounds like, "Bububuubuububu." Those people she was signing autographs for must've been mortified. They were like, "Wow I got Nicole Kidman's auto...who the fuck is Lara Flynn Boyle?"

Hey Lara...Walter Matthau called. He wants his jowls back.

Lindsay Lohan Blonde, Also Disoriented

Lindsay Lohan has gone blonde again. She's also back to wearing leggings after a short period of bare-leggedness. That second picture indicates that she: a) is blind or; b) likes doing the robot while hiding behind bushes.

Paris Hilton Injured by Paps

Paris Hilton got an owie on her chin when paparazzi swarmed her and fake boyfriend Benji Madden as they were leaving a restaurant in the Czech Republic.

The paps, just as in Turkey last week, were whipped into a frenzy by Paris's presence. They started pushing and shoving and swinging shit around, and Paris tried to flee and fell down and scraped her chin.

Great...now the sidewalk has VD.

Paris, as you can see by the picture, was a bit shaken, but basically unharmed. It will take more to slay the beast than a single bunch of crazed Czech snappers.

A-Lister Set to Be Outed by U.S. Mag?

Rav Singh writes in his blog at News of the World:

AN A-lister star of Hollywood will be outed next week, I can reveal.

This particular actor is known as a bit of a ladies man but in fact, he really has a secret eye for the fellas.

My man in LA told me: "This guy is not married. He's been out with many women but has been seeing men too.

"A US mag is revealing it next week which will send Hollywood into overdrive."

Now we're all guessing who it is. A lot of people are saying George Clooney but I say no way...Clooney ain't gay. More people are saying Owen Wilson but I also don't believe Wilson is gay.

I'm just on the edge of my seat, I don't know about you...

Angelina Jolie Has Gestational Diabetes. Bet You Feel Bad for Hating Her Now, Huh?

Angelina Jolie is suffering from gestational diabetes, according to Star Magazine.

"She found out about a month ago and has been trying to keep it under wraps," a source said of Angie's health issues.

"She's sick and irritable and feels heavy and weak. She's been seeing a nutritionist about it."

Star Magazine is the same publication that assured us Angie and Brad Pitt had gotten married in New Orleans in the last few days. But that has turned out to not be true. So who knows if there's anything to this gestational diabetes thing.

I suppose it's possible there's nothing wrong with Angie and she had someone leak the diabetes story on purpose so we'd feel sorry for her...

Jessica Alba @ Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

Jessica Alba won a Kids' Choice Award...Most Ethnically Confused.

By the way, does that award come with batteries? Cause Alba's gonna need something like that after she has a kid and her man no longer wants to touch her.

Ashton Kutcher Makes Possibly Obscene Gesture Toward Cameron Diaz @ Kids' Choice Awards

What is Ashton Kutcher doing with his hand? What sound is Cameron Diaz making as he performs said gesture? Why is any of this happening in the presence of thousands of tweens and their oblivious parents? There's probably a punking of some kind going on.

Ashlee Simpson is Now Blacker Than Rihanna

Ashlee Simpson is trying to turn herself ethnic. Rihanna is six-four, two feet of which is forehead. Freak show.

Miley Cyrus and Some Jonas Brothers @ Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

The Jonas Brothers. One day someone will explain to me what their function is, besides providing rumored boyfriends for the likes of Miley Cyrus. The one on the left could be Dewy Cox's younger brother, Tiny.

Breaking: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie May Be Married

The heat is getting turned up on the gossip burner, and in the pot simmering is the rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have gotten married in New Orleans.

From Star Magazine:

It's official!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got hitched earlier today, Saturday, March 29, in New Orleans.

OK! Magazine is being a little more circumspect, saying:

Even though Brad Pitt famously once said that he would get married again when everyone in the United States could also do so, the rumor mill has gone into overdrive this evening with reports that the Fight Club star has said "I do" to gal pal, and mother of his children, Angelina Jolie in a ceremony in New Orleans.

When reached for comment on the rumors, Brad's rep would only say to OK! that she had "no idea" if they were true or not.

Hmm...the rep doesn't out-right deny it. Does that mean anything? Guess we know what we'll be yakking about for the next couple of days. Anything to distract me from my sorrow...

Gift Ideas for Jamie Lynn Spears

Jamie Lynn Spears and her apparent fiance Casey Aldridge have registered for gifts at Babies R Us. Note the expected arrival date: July 10. Also note that the "Grandparents" field is left blank. Hmm...is someone else in the Spears family on the outs with Lynne?

Also, note the Registrant's Message:

Thank you for supprting us during this special time.

Yup, she's a Spears all right.

Aw...but this is no time to be piling on Jamie Lynn. It's such a joyous, happy time in her life! What could be better than giving birth at 16?

Just in case you were planning on buying Jamie Lynn a gift, here are ten suggestions from the Crabster:

1. A car-seat. Cause we don't want Jamie Lynn and baby starring in any photos like this.
2. A baby spoon. Cause it's about time someone in the Spears family learned how to eat with a utensil.
3. A super mega pack of Huggies. The special ones with "Jail Bait" written across the butt.
4. A pack of Virginia Slims and a can of Red Bull. Or, as the Spears family calls it, lunch.
5. A helmet. For when something like this happens (and you know it will).
6. Lipsticks from Rite Aid. No Spears family outing is complete without them.
7. An umbrella, so baby can join in the Spears family's favorite pastime, pap-whackin'.
8. A frame baby can one day use to proudly display his/her GED.
9. A can of couch-sittin', white-boy-rappin' gold-digger repellent.
10. Directions to the nearest Family Planning Center. Also a big old box of condoms.
    

Michael Lohan Ain't Feelin' Lindsay's New Role

Lindsay Lohan's over-protective father Michael isn't down with his daughter's latest role.

Lindsay, who was last seen getting chopped to bits in I Know Who Killed Me, will next be wielding the sharp objects instead of having them used on her, portraying Manson Family member Nancy "Brenda" Pitman in the movie Manson Girls.

But Michael thinks such a role won't help Lindsay's career, which has been on the fast track to nowhere since her mildly successful turn in Herbie: Fully Loaded.

"When you're the kind of star Lindsay is, you have to appeal to a general audience, not just a specific audience," Michael explained.

Oh okay Michael...you want Lindsay to appeal to a less-specific audience. So you're not down with her playing to the pervs in the raincoats? Cause that's basically her audience right now.

Sorry Michael, but those parts you're talking about are just not coming Lindsay's way. She screwed her career up...bad. That's why, when these dopey superhero movies come out every summer, Lindsay is in none of them. And that's frankly a shame...how much more fun would Transformers have been with spunky Lindsay instead of that tree branch Megan Fox?

Lindsay has the randy charm to liven up big clunky summer movies but she'll never get the chance because she's too much of a risk. So face it Michael...her career from now on is gonna be small-to-mid-sized movies.
She will not be taking over for Kiki Dunst in Spider Man 4...no matter how entertaining that particular move would actually be.

Paris Hilton Has a Bunion

How does Paris Hilton become even more revolting? Two words: Huge bunion.

That is still only the second-most-disgusting projection on Paris's body, the first being, obviously, her nose.

Sarah Larson is a Skank

Naughty pictures of George Clooney's woman Sarah Larson keep popping up all the time. Here's one of her licking a magazine. Isn't that a sign of meth addiction? Methinks Sarah might be one of those freaky chicks who like having men shoot in their faces. That explains George's infatuation.

Someone Tell Lauren Bacall to Cover Up. Please.

Dear Lauren Bacall,

We love you Lauren. You are a legend. So please...allow us to remember you fondly. Don't impress upon our minds an image that will end up replacing the ones he want to remember, from when you were young and gorgeous and being all hot and sassy with Humphrey Bogart.

Please Lauren...cover up your speckled old lady boobs! We don't want to see yours anymore than we want to see Jack Nicholson's. In fact, we want to see yours less.

Sincerely,

Crabbie

Lindsay Lohan to Play Manson Follower Nancy Pitman. Dude, Lohan Should Totally Play Charlie!

Lindsay Lohan has signed up to play Charles Manson follower Nancy Pitman in the movie Manson Girls.

Pitman, a Malibu surfer chick from a rich family, left home at 16 to join the Manson family, where she became known as Brenda. She is believed to have accompanied Charlie back to Sharon Tate's house after the infamous murders to help Charlie plant false evidence, but never faced any charges.

She remained fiercely loyal to Charlie throughout the Tate-LaBianca trial, even trying to pass him a tab of acid while visiting him in jail. After the trial, she and family member Bruce Davis hid out in the sewers of L.A., a forgery charge hanging over her heads. They finally surrendered to police in 1970.

Pitman/Brenda would later spend a year in jail for being an accessory in the murder of Lauren Willett, a 19-year-old who was living with her, Squeaky Fromme and Aryan Brotherhood members Michael Monfort and James Craig. Pitman wound up marrying Monfort and having four kids with him. They later divorced, and Pitman now hides out in Oregon.

Sounds like a dream-role for Lohan. Although, I think she'd be better as Charlie. Why not? If Cate Blanchett can play Bob Dylan...

Katie Holmes is Going to Broadway

Tom Cruise's personal uterus Katie Holmes is reportedly in negotiations to star on Broadway in a revival of Arthur Miller's All My Sons.

"The actress has committed to taking part in a private workshop of the play in May," says the Daily Mail's Baz Bamigboye. "She will play the part of a woman who visits her former neighbours, the family of a missing pilot she once loved."

Hmm...Katie playing a woman pining for her lost love. Shouldn't be too hard for her to conjure those feelings. All she has to do is remember her life before Tom and all sorts of sadness and regret will naturally come gushing out.

That's assuming she still can remember it after the Scientology brainwashing.

Paris Hilton Arrives in Turkey, Sets Off Riot

Pretty much everyone in America (with the possible exception of Perez Hilton) is over Paris Hilton. They think she's yesterday's news, and wish she would just disappear utterly from the face of the earth.

However, there are, I have been informed, other countries on this planet besides the U.S. And in some of these no-doubt putrid backwaters, Paris Hilton is still treated like a major star.

One such backward shithole is the nation of Turkey. Paris was invited there to judge the Miss Turkey contest, a competition in which moustache thickness and pungency of odor figure heavily. The dumb-ass heiress arrived in Istanbul yesterday, and for whatever reason, her presence touched off a riot amongst photographers.

Paris, unfortunately, survived the violence unscathed, and went on to perform her duties as a pageant judge. There's video of that too.



It's worth noting, I think, that in a recent poll of industrialized nations, Turkey was found to have the highest percentage of people who don't believe in evolution. And the nation with the second-highest percentage?

You guessed it. America.

So, I guess it's fitting that there should be a cultural exchange between the U.S. and Turkey...and that Paris Hilton should be the agent of this exchange.

Winona Ryder Should Move to England

Winona "Sticky Fingers" Ryder is clearly living in the wrong country. If she really wants to get her shoplifting rocks off, she should move to England.

Apparently the English believe in being super-lenient when it comes to shoplifters. Just consider the case of Joanne Jones, who was recently let off with a 90-day suspended jail term after getting convicted of shoplifting and other petty crimes for the 175th time.

Not that Joanne hasn't been in jail...she's actually been locked up a total of 34 times over the last 16 years. But consider the percentages - 34 jail terms in 175 convictions? Not too bad.

Plus, those couldn't have been very long terms. The woman is only 31. I say Winona should take that deal. 12 trips to court per year (that's what Ms. Jones is averaging) is a small price to pay to be able to do what you love most.

The really funny thing about this story is what the magistrate said when handing down the sentence to Jones:

"We'll give you another chance. You are no stranger to this court.

"However on this occasion there's a chink of light in your favour, which gives us some chance of hope for you.

"We are going to give you another opportunity if you can manage it."

The "chink of light" the magistrate refers to was apparently Ms. Jones's willingness to admit to a theft that wasn't on her charge sheet. So, you see, she's learning to take responsibility for her actions, and therefore is worthy of another chance.

This magistrate needs to be introduced to the concept of the sociopath. They "take responsibility" for things precisely because they know it will get them off the hook and they'll be able to do more bad stuff. Is that complicated?

Remy Ma is Headed for Prison

Ultra-classy rapper Remy Ma faces 5 to 25 years in prison after being found guilty of first-degree assault, attempted coercion and criminal possession of a weapon.

Remy was charged with 9 counts total over a 2007 incident in which she shot her friend for allegedly stealing $3,000 from her purse. Remy was found not guilty of gang assault and witness tampering. I don't know what happened to the other charges.

Family members of the shooting victim apparently yelled stuff at Remy as her verdict was being read. Hopefully there will be video soon.

If they want to give us real entertainment, they should stick Remy and Foxy Brown in a cell together and set up a webcam. One or both would be dead within a week.

Shia LaBeouf in Indy Jones 4 - Sexy or Not Sexy?

Nice teenager stache there Shia. Oh yeah, this movie's gonna be great...

Angelina Could Get $10 Million for Her Baby Pics

National Enquirer editor Barry Levine predicts Angelina Jolie could get as much as $10 million for the first pictures of her new blob.

"It's become big business now," Levine told Page Six. "It's outrageous, they've gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it's impossible to obtain a photo illegally."

Jennifer Lopez recently got $6 million from People for pics of her new twins. And even that whore Christina Aguilera who no one cares about got $1.5 million from the same rag.

"That's where the market is right now," Levine explained. "When I was the editor of Star in LA, we bought photos of Lisa Marie Presley's baby back in 1989 for $100,000, and at the time I thought it was outrageous. Now it's chump change."

Lisa Marie is once again pregnant. This time, her baby pics ought be worth about enough for her to get her car washed and perhaps buy a copy of the magazine that runs them. If anyone actually carries copies of Icky Former Wives of Michael Jackson Weekly.

Of course, Angie will be donating the $10 million from the blob pics to charity. Because nothing gets Angie off more than bestowing gifts upon the unwashed who then come kneel before her in worshipful gratitude.

If you can't make your daddy love you, then you just buy the love of the masses, right Angie? Oh, and have sex with your brother.

David Beckham Plays His 100th Game for England. Posh Dreams of Stilettos and Spray-On Tans.

Posh and the clones watch as David Beckham plays in his 100th game for England. Apparently this playing in 100 games for a team thing is a big deal. Posh doesn't look all that thrilled though. Her mind is clearly somewhere else. And I'm guessing that there's a sale there.

Beckham got to wear gold soccer shoes because he played in 100 games. Those are flaming. I want a pair.

Jack Nicholson Needs a Boob-Lift

Aged movie star Jack Nicholson hits the beach in St. Barts. I'm pretty sure that top pic is NSFW. Just be glad it wasn't a nude beach, otherwise we'd also be looking at Jack's Viagra-induced purple throbber.



"Wanna feel my tits girls? Cause I sure wanna feel yours."

Richie Sambora is a Giant Idiot

Richie Sambora was busted for DUI after driving his black Hummer in erratic fashion around L.A. Tuesday night.

So what, you say? Another star busted for DUI? Happens all the time in La-La Land?

Maybe. But, normally, stars busted for DUI don't have their 10-year-old daughters in the car with them at the time.

Yes folks, you heard me right...Richie Sambora was driving around wasted with his own daughter Ava in the vehicle with him. Now the Bon Jovi guitarist and ex-husband of Heather Locklear may face child endangerment charges to go with the DUI charges he will already be facing.

Okay, here's the deal...if you drive drunk you are an idiot. But, it's still possible, assuming you don't kill anyone in the course of your idiocy, to beg the world's forgiveness, and clean up your act and eventually be let off the hook.

However, if you drive drunk with your own kid in the car? You are an idiot of such unbelievable scope and dimension that there can never be any redemption for you. I don't care if you get on your knees and say you're sorry a thousand times. I don't care if you beat yourself with branches to show how sorry you are. I don't care if you start a stop drunk driving foundation that raises thousands of dollars. I don't care if you become Mother Fucking Teresa afterward...you are an idiot forever and ever and ever and you should never be allowed to forget what you did.

Ever.

More Evidence That Britney is Over and Miley is the Pap Queen

There is even more evidence to support the common belief that Britney Spears' run as the paps' main target is over, and that Miley Cyrus has taken her place. It comes to us from Rush & Molloy:

Dare we hope? The paparazzi are over Britney Spears, a top photo agency head tells us. "Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen covering Britney" despite her imminent sitcom debut on "How I Met Your Mother" says BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman. "Yet there were 30 in the pack covering Miley Cyrus. Most of them were Britney regulars, but they want something new and fresh. It's moved on to Miley."

This is all clearly a result of Britney's family stepping in to manage her affairs. If Sam Lutfi were still in charge, Britney would still be acting like a maniac all over the place, and the paps would still be following her hoping for a meltdown.

The only reason they're following Miley is because she's the flavor of the month. No one actually believes she's going to lose it on-camera. That kid is so programmed and controlled, she probably doesn't take a leak without permission.

In the end, Miley will prove far too boring for lasting pap-attention. Someone wilder will have to emerge...or, Britney will have to get desperate, and do something really nuts like toss one of her kids off a roof or maybe get a third ear grafted onto her forehead.

Richard Widmark is No More

Legendary Hollywood actor Richard Widmark is dead at the age of 93.

Don't bother asking the cause of death - fucker was 93. When you're 93, the cause of death is being 93.

Widmark starred in one of Crabbie's all-time favorite movies, Samuel Fuller's Pickup On South Street. I may watch it tonight in honor of Richard.

Robin Williams' Wife Files for Divorce After 19 Years

Robin Williams and his wife Marsha Garces Williams are splitting after 19 years of marriage.

People reports that Marsha has filed a divorce petition in San Francisco, citing irreconcilable differences.

Robin spent some time last year in rehab for substance abuse, so that may have contributed to their break-up. Also, Robin is the most insufferable assmunch on the face of the earth.

Seriously...it's a miracle Marsha isn't in a strait-jacket. 19 years with Patch Adams? I'd have long-since hung myself from a rafter in the attic.

Amy Winehouse is Being Shipped to South Africa for More Rehab

Impetigo sufferer Amy Winehouse is reportedly being sent to South Africa to help her deal with that other problem that's been plaguing her existence - crack.

Amy already tried rehab in the UK, but that didn't work, so now her people are trying to ship her as far away as possible in hopes certain bad influences won't be able to rear their ugly heads.

Speaking of bad influences...Amy was recently visited at her flat by Pete Doherty, who has reportedly been trying to help her clean up.

In other news, the Crabster has hired Pig Pen from Peanuts to help him clean up his apartment.

Fossils

Someone was poking around in the dirt, and discovered a pair of dinosaurs. Then they propped them up against a car for some reason.

(This picture was taken because Barbara Walters has interviewed Paul Newman for a show called Live to Be 150... Can You Do It? Hmm...I'm gonna say no, and no.)

Katie Holmes May Be Near Death

Being Tom Cruise's trophy android may finally be catching up with Katie Holmes.

Katie, according to Star Magazine, was seen looking pretty rough recently while lunching at Joan's on Third in L.A. Witnesses say she appeared feeble and emaciated, as well as unsteady and confused, and that she had to be helped into her SUV by a bodyguard.

Other sources say Katie has been suffering headaches and dizzy spells, possibly related to all the pressure Tom puts on her.

"Katie doesn't get enough sleep — and hasn't for months now," and insider reports. "She's tired and drained much of the day because Tom is so wired, and they stay awake until after midnight. He has boundless energy, and she just can't compete."

Katie is also reportedly insane about her weight, again because of the expectations dipshit Tom places on her.

Tom, meanwhile, is a fat load who spends his life trawling for gay sex in dive bars. I don't have any sources on that last one, I just know cause I know.

Is This the Parachute of D.B. Cooper?

Two children from Southwest Washington have discovered what could be the parachute used by infamous hijacker D.B. Cooper in 1971, when he leapt from a Mexico-bound plane with $200,000 taped to his body.

The kids saw the chute sticking from the ground where their father had just been grading a road. They yanked it free as far as they could from the soil, then cut its cords with a scissors.

The children, realizing the artifact's potential importance after having seen something about Cooper on TV, urged their father to call the FBI.

The feds are now asking experts to come forward and help them determine if the chute could have been the one used by Cooper.

The only definitive evidence ever found that Cooper survived his bail-out was $5,880 of his money, which was discovered in a bag in a beach along the Columbia river.

Tom Takes it in the Ass Again

Another goof on Tom Cruise's infamous Scientology rant video, this one from the movie Superhero Movie! God I hate those generically-titled parody flicks, but this one scene at least is good. The actor doesn't really look like Cruise but he has the mannerisms and the laugh and stuff.

30 Days of Night

This is one of those movies where people say, "Wow, what a great idea. Why didn't they think of that sooner?" I don't know - maybe because it's not a great idea?

Perhaps it could've been a great idea...vampires invading Barrow, Alaska during 30 straight days of darkness at the height of Arctic winter, and feasting on the townsfolk. Unfortunately, it was made by a bunch of borderline incompetents.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at a movie (it might have been Apocalypto). It was the vampires that got me - this bunch of allegedly menacing people with stretched-out faces and little black eyes hissing and dripping blood from their mouths, and talking in some language that sounds like Klingon. The first time they started talking, I swear, I almost fell out of my seat. Hilarious.

Almost equally hilarious is the notion of Josh Hartnett as a small town sheriff who's the only thing standing between the townspeople and destruction. Josh is just so not the kind of person I would want defending me if vampires descended upon my sleepy sub-polar community. Nothing against him...I'm sure he'd try his damnedest. It's just that, were some horrific fate in danger of befalling me, I'd prefer someone protecting me who seemed smarter than his own boots.

The whole thing is just such a mess. The clunky plotting (the vampires are so clumsily introduced that you just want to stand up and yell at the director to go back to film school), the tin-eared dialogue, the listless acting. Oh, and the dumb-ass heavy metal horror routines, which reach a truly revolting level in one scene where a young girl becomes a vampire and gets decapitated with an axe. The movie is so desperate to drum up shock value that you just feel sorry for it.

Britney Ploy Pays Dividends for Sitcom; Ratings Go Through Roof

Congratulations producers of How I Met Your Mother - your ploy to exploit Britney Spears' notoriety while pretending to actually help her rejuvenate her career worked. Britney's guest appearance on last night's episode earned your show the highest rating it's ever gotten.

Of course, that still wasn't enough to get the show into first place. In fact, its 4.5 rating only placed it fourth on the evening.

Apparently people are only fascinated with Britney when she's showing cooch, shaving her head or swinging an umbrella around like a club. They're not quite as stoked about seeing her act.

I Always Knew Priscilla Presley Was a Big Dumb Lube-Face

Priscilla Presley just wanted to look young again. So, she signed up for a special treatment offered by an Argentine doctor, which was supposed to be more effective than Botox.

Unbenownst to Priscilla, the quack cosmetic surgeon's miracle face-smoother was nothing of the sort. It was, in fact, plain old everyday silicone auto lube.

The Argentine doctor...surprise surprise...turned out not to be a doctor at all, but just a gigolo who dreamed up a great scam to fleece rich, stupid Hollywood women. Larry King's wife Shawn and Lionel Richie's ex-wife Diane are reported to have joined Priscilla in shelling out $300-$500 a pop to have car lubricant injected into their faces.

The gigolo Daniel Serrano's fake treatment reportedly led to horrible complications in some of his "patients," including lumps, paralysis and holes opening in faces. Shawn King said the stuff created a lump in her lip that made it hard for her to speak (Larry then tried to buy a whole case of it).

Priscilla herself is reportedly undergoing "corrective surgery" on her face. That guy would have to be the fucking Michelangelo of plastic surgeons to fix that messed-up mush.

A Lazy Blogger's Dream - Free, Legal South Park Clips

South Park Studios is online, which means hundreds of free, legal, embeddable South Park clips. This will be great for those terrible slow news days...like today.

I'm sure Tom Cruise is happy to hear about this by the way.

Oh Tom, you poor fool...

Demi Moore Uses Leeches to Detoxify

Demi Moore told David Letterman last night that her health regimen includes periodic trips to Austria to undergo "leech detoxification therapy," a technique that literally uses leeches to mysteriously cleanse the blood. Demi talks about this nonsense at about 3:35 of the above video. A transcript of her attempted explanation:

I’m always…looking for the cutting edge on things that are for optimizing health and healing. Just a week ago I was in Austria doing a cleanse and part of the treatments was leech therapy. These aren’t just like swamp leeches, we’re talking about highly trained medical leeches…

[Thousands of year ago] bleeding was a very common thing… it detoxifies your blood and they have a little enzyme that when they’re biting down gets released into your blood, and generally you bleed for quite a bit, and your health is optimized. It detoxifies the blood. I’m feeling very detoxified right now.

Um, Demi dear...how do the leeches detoxify your blood if they're sucking it all out? Do the "therapists" then take the cleansed blood from the leeches and inject it back into you?

Yes, Demi, clearly the medieval quack surgeons were onto something when they bled people to remove the bad humors. All the folks who died from being over-bled by those butchers...that was just an unfortunate side-effect. You know, like the occasional blindness that can come from using Viagra.

Demi ain't the brightest bulb in the strand, folks.

Jared Leto in Chapter 27

Jared Leto turned himself into a giant pigboat to play Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27. Then he lost all the weight too fast and got gout. Now the movie, which co-stars Lindsay Lohan, is finally coming out.

Obviously, Leto will not be getting an Oscar nomination for a movie released in March. So being a fatty and getting gout was all for nothing. Stupid emo putz.

Hogans Sued by Family of John Graziano

The family of John Graziano has officially sued Nick Hogan and his idiot parents Hulk and Linda over the car wreck that left Mr. Graziano a vegetable.

The lawsuit cites three counts of negligence against Hulk, one each against Linda and Nick, and one against Daniel Jacobs, the guy driving the vehicle Nick was racing at the time of the accident.

The suit claims Hulk and Linda should've known Nick was a reckless driver and done something to curtail his behind-the-wheel activities. It also claims they were aware that he was drinking on the day of the wreck.

The suit only adds to little Nicky's legal headaches - the bastard already faces a felony charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury.

So Nick and the family get sued. And even if they lose, the money they forfeit will make only a slight dent in Hulk's fortune. Meanwhile, the lawyers get rich, and John Graziano is still drooling on himself.

Clearly, this is no fit punishment for Nick. Something much more drastic is called for. Like castration.

What am I saying...that little mutant probably doesn't even have anything to clip off.

Foot-Pedal Flusher for Your Toilet

Bending down to push and/or pull the flush-handle on your toilet can be so incredibly tiring...so why bother? Why not just have a foot-pedal that you can step on to send your shit a-swirlin' down the crapper?

Footflush...the product for germophobes and lazy asses. Just hook it to your toilet and you'll never have to make direct skin-to-skin contact with your flush-handle again.

You will, however, have to disconnect the pedal at least once every few days to wash the piss off. Unless your man has much better aim than any man I've ever known.

"Brain Dead" Man Wakes Up, Goes on Today Show

Zach Dunlap was in an ATV accident late last year, in which he suffered massive head injuries. Doctors would end up prounouncing him brain dead, and begin making preparations to harvest his organs.

Then, with his family gathered around him to say goodbye, Dunlap began moving.

He moved his foot and hand at first, then reacted to a pocketknife scraped across the bottom of his foot.

The "brain dead" Dunlap would eventually recover sufficiently to return home. Of course he and his family would be invited to appear on the Today Show to speak of their seemingly miraculous experience.

"I feel pretty good," Dunlap said in his interview, adding that he can't remember the crash that nearly killed him. "I remember a little bit that was about an hour before the accident happened. But then about six hours before that, I remember," he said.

Dunlap also remembers hearing the doctors pronounce him dead.

"I'm glad I couldn't get up and do what I wanted to do," he said.

So there you go...a brain dead man recovers and goes on the Today Show. There's hope for Perez yet.

Amy Winehouse is Killing Her Own Mother

Keeping Amy Winehouse out of trouble has been a 24/7 task lately for Amy's family members, including her mom Janis, who suffers from multiple sclerosis.

The stress of watching Amy has been so great for Janis, in fact, that she believes her MS has actually gotten worse.

As a result, Janis has had to take a break from Amy and all her crack-smoking, face-rotting, self-mutilating antics.

"I physically can't cope with all the running around [Amy's father] Mitch does to try and keep her out of trouble," Janis explained. "I had a relapse recently and I don't want another one."

Well, obviously, Janis doesn't love Amy as much as she should. If she did love Amy sufficiently, she wouldn't care about her own little piddly MS problems, but would be focused on all Amy's problems, which are a thousand times more important.

Honestly, I will never be able to comprehend how people can be so selfish. I mean, where does Janis get off, thinking her health matters when her 24-year-old daughter needs looking after?

Doesn't she know that being a parent means taking on huge responsibilities? Sure, sometimes you don't feel up to it, but that's just tough. You have to suck it up and change those diapers, sit up with them when they have the croup, kiss their self-inflicted wounds and oozing face-sores, bail them out of jail, help them find their crackpipes when they misplace them...

If Janis didn't want the bother of raising a kid (for 24 years), she shouldn't have had any in the first place.

Maggie Gyllenhaal Says Nice Things About Katie Holmes

Maggie Gyllenhaal has done a 180 on Katie Holmes, and now has nothing but nice things to say about her predecessor in the Batman series.

"I think she's a wonderful actress and I really admired the work that she did in the first Batman, but I don't think it would have worked if I tried to imitate her," Fuggenwhore told Superherohype.com. "I think the only way to do it is to do it like myself."

I guess that means Rachel Dawes will now be an ugly, lactating, terrorist-sucking bitch.

Funny that Maggie now suddenly likes Katie's work in the first film. That's quite a switch from her previous comment:

I'm not thinking of it as a role that anyone's played before. I'm not walking into Katie Holmes' performance. I'm thinking of it as an opportunity to play somebody who's alive and smart. Chris asked me to do this because he wanted me, not because he wants some generic lady in a dress.

So Katie went from a dead, stupid, generic lady in a dress to a wonderful actress. Obviously, someone at the studio got hold of Maggie and told her not to run down anything associated with the movies. This dumb bitch has a hard time holding her tongue. Almost as hard a time as I have holding down my dinner when I see a picture of her circus-freak face.

Rare Glimpse of an E-Meter

The E-Meter is what Scientologists use when auditing their members. They claim it measures the auditee's spiritual state or some such jive.

One seldom gets to see an E-Meter, cause they're so damn secret. And because if they ever fell into enemy hands it would soon become apparent that the innards are nothing but soldered-together parts left over from old toasters and transistor radios.

New BFFs: Victoria Beckham and Kate Beckinsale

Posh and Katie Holmes aren't speaking anymore after Katie called Poshy's tattoos trashy. So, the companionship-starved Poshy had to buy find herself a new best friend.

Luckily, Kate Beckinsale also lives in L.A. And she's British. And she has "Beck" in her last name. Perfecto!

And you thought the idea of Katie and Posh hanging out was mind-numbing. Just imagine the conversations these two geniuses have.

I wonder if Beckinsale has told Posh about the Pharoah's Tomb yet.

Miley Cyrus is the New Britney

Miley Cyrus is officially red meat for the pap-hordes. Her mom appears to be enjoying the attention too. It's only a matter of time before the hair gets shaved off and the umbrella comes out.

Amy Winehouse's Face Has Not Improved

Amy Winehouse's face is still a mess. That expression is priceless. She looks like some weird monkey whose heart beats like 300 times a minute. She may be a new species.