The holidays are here, so it's time to roll out the obligatory Christmas-related bits. A favorite one is sure to be "Celebrity Christmas Wish-List" (I can just see it now: some unshaven twit who can't get a job working for Jay Leno sitting in front of his computer giggling at ingenious concoctions like, "What to buy Britney Spears for Christmas: Underwear." Ha ha ha ha haaaaa.).
These people make me want to kill someone.
Anyway, here's Crabbie's bit: What Not to Buy Your Favorite Celebs For Christmas...
Tara Reid: Pink puke rags. Tara hates pink puke rags.
Katie Holmes: Anything that will remind her of her former life as a free person.
Donald Trump: Anything that will cause him to sue you. In other words, anything.
Rosie O'Donnell: A coupon for a free back-waxing. She doesn't think that one's funny anymore.
Posh Spice: Any of those...oh what do they call them...the things that unfold and there are all those thin pieces of material inside with the black squiggly things...you know the things people are always going to libraries to get...god damn it now what do they call those things...
Madonna: A white baby. They don't go with her new curtains.
Kate Moss: Baking soda. She's past all that now.
Russell Crowe: A goat. He's moved on to sheep now.
Jennifer Aniston: An Angelina Jolie dartboard. She already has ten.
Nicole Richie: Green bananas.
John Mark Karr: A Shirley Temple DVD Box-Set. He might pull his pecker right off.
Lindsay Lohan: Voss water. She's already got the one bottle.
Christina Aguilera: Anymore of those damn antique wooden sex toys. She got such a terrible splinter last year.
Tom Cruise: A new booster seat. He finally grew that last half-an-inch.
Paris Hilton: Another Lindsay Lohan voodoo doll. Poor Lindsay's suffered enough.
Britney Spears: Anymore coupons from IHOP. Have you seen her lately?
Mischa Barton: Anything sharp.
Angelina Jolie: Cambodia. She's looking for something in more of an African vein. Maybe Zimbabwe or Senegal.
Michael Jackson: Man-clothes.
Jessica Simpson: Reading glasses.
Ashlee Simpson: A mirror.
Matthew McConaughey: Deodorant. He'll never get the hint.
Anna Nicole Smith: Anything that uses voice-recognition. The technology has not been developed far enough to understand speech that slurred.
The Olsen Twins: A Full House Box-Set. It just brings back the nightmares. You know. The ones about Bob Saget and the plastic bags.
