Crabbie's had enough of Brad and Angie, and the other legitimate stars who came out for the Golden Globes. Now it's time for some celebriskanks, damn it. Yeah. Like the Olsen Twins. There they are. God damn it, I can never remember which is which. They both look incredibly Aryan. And the fur. That's got to piss someone off, right? But when you're an Olsen Twin why should you care? You've got lots of money, and people make a big deal about you without even knowing why they should. And you get to be a gigantic freak.
Speaking of gigantic freaks...oh look, it's Paris. Aw, isn't she pretty when she gets all gussied up? Nice necklace too. Now that Paris has decided to become serious about acting, I'm sure we'll soon be seeing her name on the list of Golden Globe nominees. Helen Mirren, Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet and Paris Hilton. I wonder what role will be Paris's breakthrough. Maybe Scarlett in a re-make of
Gone With the Wind. Or a new version of
Of Human Bondage, with Paris as Mildred, the role Bette Davis made her own back in the '30s. Or maybe the Golden Globes will simply introduce a new category, Best Actress in a Grainy Sex Tape. Paris would win that hands-down. Unless Judi Dench got in. That randy old bitch would give Paris a run for her money, I reckon.
Wow. Somebody let Mischa Barton into one of the after-parties. Why? Were they trying to bring everyone else down? This bitch ruins a mood faster than a swarm of killer-bees. In this picture she looks a little...well, she looks like something may have crawled up her ass. Either that or she came out of a semi-coma at the exact moment the shot was taken, and was therefore shocked to suddenly see a camera. Or maybe she's having glandular problems. Or, maybe, she's just a certifiable fucking lunatic, and that's how lunatics look.
It just wouldn't be a rundown of celebriskank activity without Lindsay Lohan. In this picture, she appears to be caught in the glare of a prison searchlight. Something she probably should get used to. Another thing she might want to get accustomed to, given her inevitable jailbird future, is the feel of a broom-handle being roughly inserted into places where broom-handles were not meant to go. Not that Lindsay isn't used to having things stuck in those places. But in jail they don't have nice smooth glass dildos or plastic sex-toys. You get splinters in jail. And anal bleeding is a constant worry. And of course there's the danger of becoming the favorite of the 300-pound jailhouse dyke everyone calls Big Mama. It might seem like a great deal at first, having Big Mama to kick the ass of every girl who messes with you. But then that night comes when Big Mama has a little too much toilet-hooch, and rolls over on top of you in bed, and no matter how you struggle you can't wake her up. And as the air is slowly squeezed out of you, and the little sparklies start dancing in your vision, the only thing you can think is, "I'm going to die underneath a 300-pound dyke who smells like home-made whiskey. I never should've listened to Paris when she said, 'Let's go knock over that Walgreens.'"
Crabbie's had enough of Brad and Angie, and the other legitimate stars who came out for the Golden Globes. Now it's time for some celebriskanks, damn it. Yeah. Like the Olsen Twins. There they are. God damn it, I can never remember which is which. They both look incredibly Aryan. And the fur. That's got to piss someone off, right? But when you're an Olsen Twin why should you care? You've got lots of money, and people make a big deal about you without even knowing why they should. And you get to be a gigantic freak.
Speaking of gigantic freaks...oh look, it's Paris. Aw, isn't she pretty when she gets all gussied up? Nice necklace too. Now that Paris has decided to become serious about acting, I'm sure we'll soon be seeing her name on the list of Golden Globe nominees. Helen Mirren, Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet and Paris Hilton. I wonder what role will be Paris's breakthrough. Maybe Scarlett in a re-make of Gone With the Wind. Or a new version of Of Human Bondage, with Paris as Mildred, the role Bette Davis made her own back in the '30s. Or maybe the Golden Globes will simply introduce a new category, Best Actress in a Grainy Sex Tape. Paris would win that hands-down. Unless Judi Dench got in. That randy old bitch would give Paris a run for her money, I reckon.
Wow. Somebody let Mischa Barton into one of the after-parties. Why? Were they trying to bring everyone else down? This bitch ruins a mood faster than a swarm of killer-bees. In this picture she looks a little...well, she looks like something may have crawled up her ass. Either that or she came out of a semi-coma at the exact moment the shot was taken, and was therefore shocked to suddenly see a camera. Or maybe she's having glandular problems. Or, maybe, she's just a certifiable fucking lunatic, and that's how lunatics look.
It just wouldn't be a rundown of celebriskank activity without Lindsay Lohan. In this picture, she appears to be caught in the glare of a prison searchlight. Something she probably should get used to. Another thing she might want to get accustomed to, given her inevitable jailbird future, is the feel of a broom-handle being roughly inserted into places where broom-handles were not meant to go. Not that Lindsay isn't used to having things stuck in those places. But in jail they don't have nice smooth glass dildos or plastic sex-toys. You get splinters in jail. And anal bleeding is a constant worry. And of course there's the danger of becoming the favorite of the 300-pound jailhouse dyke everyone calls Big Mama. It might seem like a great deal at first, having Big Mama to kick the ass of every girl who messes with you. But then that night comes when Big Mama has a little too much toilet-hooch, and rolls over on top of you in bed, and no matter how you struggle you can't wake her up. And as the air is slowly squeezed out of you, and the little sparklies start dancing in your vision, the only thing you can think is, "I'm going to die underneath a 300-pound dyke who smells like home-made whiskey. I never should've listened to Paris when she said, 'Let's go knock over that Walgreens.'"
