Lindsay Lohan Leaving Rehab...With Michael

Lindsay Lohan is going to take a little break from rehab this week - if you want to call being in the presence of Michael Lohan for five days "a break." Yes, it appears our worst fears for Lindsay have come to pass - Michael has gotten his hooks into her. For the next week Lindsay and Michael will be spending quality-time together, as part of Cirque Lodge's alleged out-patient therapy program. So Cirque Lodge has signed off on the whole thing. They actually think it will do Lindsay good to be in the company of a pseudo-Christian ex-con former drug-addict. Honestly, I think Lindsay would be better off spending a week with Pete Doherty, Courtney Love and Steve Coogan, but what the hell do I know?

Of course Michael is dishing out the usual helping of mawkish nonsense. Here's what he said about the place Lindsay has arrived at in her life:

I'm looking forward to spending the next week with her. We've been in constant phone contact. She's in a great, great place now. I've never heard her so honest, contrite and focused. Lindsay is weeding out all the bad. She's taking a step back and reevaluating her life. What she tells - her honesty and openness - has brought me to tears. It's beyond words how proud I am of her.

Wait a minute...was that Michael or Dina? No, it was Michael. Jesus, their bullshit has become indistinguishable. Poor Lindsay, having to be saddled with these pieces of garbage for the rest of her life. Maybe she could escape somehow. Stick a knife in that fucker Michael and just beat it for South America. A red-headed white girl could probably make a bundle down there. Or maybe she could become some drug kingpin's girlfriend. Damn, that would be great for her. All the dope she could ever want and she'd never have to worry about the cops again.

(source)

Spot The Dog

Methinks Kelly's been into mommy's medicine cabinet again.

Paris On Letterman

Paris did Letterman last night. His show I mean. Or maybe she did him too, I don't know. At any rate, Letterman decided to make sport of Paris a little by asking her questions about her jail time. Paris didn't seem to enjoy it, but managed to keep smiling like the plastic little phony she is. Opinions differ as to the level of meanness being exhibited by Letterman here. Some say he went too easy on Paris, others say he was too nasty. I'm wondering, given Letterman's history of setting this kind of shit up ahead of time (e.g. his "feud" with Charles Grodin years ago), whether Paris wasn't in on the joke all along.

Clooney Rips Brad And Angie

George Clooney has once again made controversial comments - this time about some of his fellow actors. Said The Cloon in a recent interview:

I won't mention names, but there are certain actors who make me think, "How on earth can you take yourself so seriously?" All that is just cinema. Too many pats on the back...in the end it's all a bit toxic.

That's okay George, you don't have to mention names - we know who you're talking about. And we agree with you. Brad and Angie are way up their own asses. Or, actually, Angie's up her own ass, and Brad is up there with her. Too bad you couldn't pull him free and take him out partying - he could use the break at least. You and your stripper girlfriend could go out on a double-date with Brad and some stripper you got for him. Then you could drive around the freeway on your motorcycles all wild and free and tempting death. Brad would forget about the orphans and Angie's ass pretty fast. Alas, that will never happen. Angie's got Brad cinched up there pretty good. She's sold him on all her bullshit. But not you George - we know you see through that crap. With you it's in and out - no entanglements. Ain't no crazy ho roping you into some wacky multi-cultural Cheaper By the Dozen scenario. Nobody's poon is that sweet, right Georgie?

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Cruise Has Publicist Murdered

A man who was convicted of trying to extort money from Scientology's own Jesus Tom Cruise has been found dead in his Phoenix home of an "apparent suicide."

David Hans Schmidt, a publicist known for outrageous publicity-grabbing antics, was under house arrest after pleading guilty to stealing some of Tom's wedding photos and trying to use them to extort $1 million from the actor. Police became aware of a problem on Friday when the tracking device affixed to Schmidt showed he had not moved for a significant period of time. They went to Schmidt's home and found he had attained room temperature (or, in non-technical terms, dude was dead as fuck).

There is no proof of course that Tom was directly or indirectly involved in Schmidt's death, nor do authorities have any tangible reason to suspect foul play - but come on...the guy tries to blackmail Tom Cruise, then all of a sudden he's dead? Put two-and-two together here folks - Tom obviously had this guy murdered. He probably had something else on Tom that he was planning on coming out with once his sentence was up - maybe the long-awaited unequivocal proof that Tom is gay, or pictures of Katie Holmes conceiving Suri with Chris Klein. He had something anyway - something Tom didn't want the rest of us seeing. So Tom had him popped. And of course Tom's people are good - they made it look like a suicide. The Phoenix cops at least were fooled. But you can't fool Crabbie - Tom ordered this guy dead, and now he's dead. I bet the poor sod who farted at the moment of silence is quaking in his boots even more now, knowing what a twisted fucker he's up against.

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Lohan Gets A Pedicure

Lindsay and her fake hair went to get a pedicure. Why is she glaring at that chick in the other seat? "Did you just call me fat? You better watch it - I've killed three people." That Lohan don't fuck around.

Angie And Shiloh

Angie decided to drag Shiloh out. Guess she figured Maddox needed a break from having his sanity slowly stripped away. Oh look - Shiloh has a dolly. Angie probably pulled it out of a dumpster and cleaned it up for her. Blobs don't get new toys.

Matthew McConaughey May Be A Flasher

Matthew McConaughey is in Paris for some reason, and decided to dress like Lemmy Caution for the occasion. Must be odd when Matthew goes in to have clothes made - aren't many tailors who've seen that particular torso-to-arm ratio.

Blonde Rumer

Rumer Willis has decided to go blonde. Sadly, she managed to pick a color and style that seem to actually accentuate her bizarre bone structure more than the old one did. Poor girl. She just needs to grow it out I think. And stop shaving. Something like this would really suit her:

Angelina Jolie Hates The Troops

Angelina Jolie was a guest speaker at Bill Clinton's Global Initiative shindig last night in New York. The Oscar-winning actress and would-be savior of humanity had plenty to say too - about the state of education in the world, and how military spending gobbles up money that could be used to raise people up out of their ignorance. Said Angelina to the crowd of left-wing elitists and other various swine:

The entire appeal equals about eight hours of current spending in Iraq. So just a few hours would send 150,000 children to school. Nothing wins more hearts and minds and nothing gives more freedom than education; and nothing is a better deterrent for conflict than an educated child.

What was that she said? "Nothing is a better deterrent for conflict than an educated child." Oh, I get it Angie - so what you're saying is that, if every kid were well-educated, there'd be no ignorant numbskulls left to recruit into armies, hence there would be no more wars. That's it - Angie called our troops ignorant, uneducated, backward dirtbags. It's right there in black-and-white. You can't deny it. She has no respect whatsoever for the sacrifice the brave men and women of the military are making. She thinks they're nincompoops who were tricked into joining the army and are now just instruments in the hands of Fascist power-mongers. Well fuck you Jolie - if it weren't for the "idiot" soldiers, people like you wouldn't have the freedom to run around making a nuisance of themselves. If it weren't for them, you and the rest of your terrorist-loving ilk - Maggie Gyllenhaal, Charlize Theron, Rosie O'Donnell and the rest of them - wouldn't have the freedom to behave like a bunch of pompous, self-important asswipes. You'd all be wearing birquas and washing the smelly, fungus-ridden feet of Islamofascist shitheads who would beat you on a nightly basis, and when they got sick of you, hand you off to their even-smellier underlings who would mate you with their horses just for kicks. I think you need to get your head out of your ever-shrinking butt Jolie. And while you're at it, do you think you could can the little-miss-virtuous act? You made out with your own brother on TV for Christ's sake.

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Adrien Brody And Jason Schwartzman - What The Fuh?

This shot looks like it's from a movie. A family Thanksgiving kinda thing. Schwartzman as the nerdy guy and Brody as his sister's obnoxious boyfriend. There should be wood paneling behind them and a cheesy Jesus painting. There's a scene where the two guys share a joint and bond. Then the obnoxious boyfriend starts flirting with the hot mom and the nerdy kid gets all mad cause he's got an Oedipus complex. And his sister reveals she's pregnant. Then the wacky other brother shows up - he was just in rehab. He's got a girlfriend who's into voodoo. Stop me any time.

Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman at a Darjeeling Limited press conference.

Lohan Not Getting Out; Drug Dealers Bummed

Lindsay Lohan is not being sprung from rehab this weekend as previously reported by the sites Crabster rips his news off from. Said Lindsay's evil mom Dina in an email to Access Hollywood:

Not true. Staying in Utah.

This is gigantic news. Really. Dina Lohan is using Access Hollywood as her official publicity arm instead of Entertainment Tonight? What the hell happened?

But back to Lindsay. A source said the following to People:

Lindsay is not leaving Cirque Lodge in Utah any time soon. She has a few more weeks to grow and develop, and she is doing great.

Umm...wasn't Lindsay's growth and development the reason she got into so much trouble in the first place? If she were some scrawny, mousy little chick with no self-confidence, she'd have nothing to worry about - or at least, if she did, no one would give a shit.

Oh, they mean emotional and spiritual growth and development. So that's what she's been doing up there at Cirque Lodge. Glad they cleared that up - cause all along I thought she was just sneaking drugs and fucking guys in bathrooms. Thanks, source who spoke to People magazine.

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Angie And Brad Disrupt School; Maddox Going Nuts

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have enrolled their adopted son Maddox in the prestigious Lycee Francais de New York, a hoity-toity school where everyone sits around listening to Thelonious Monk, smoking Gauloises and discussing nihilism. All fine and good for Brad, Angie and the probably already insufferably snotty and anti-American Maddox - not so great for the parents of the other spoiled little future socialist dickheads, who have to put up with all the paparazzi fuss not to mention the idiot fans. To head off any furor, the head of la Lycee, Dan Cooke, has sent out a letter to parents spelling out how the situation will be dealt with. The letter reads in part:

I’m sure you are aware the school has received much media attention recently during the arrival and dismissal times because of the presence of celebrities Ms. Angelina Jolie and/or Mr. Brad Pitt. I want to make you aware that before the first day of school I met with their security team to discuss the best manner in which for them to drop off and pick up their son. Our foremost goal was to cause the least amount of disruption to the school and to ensure the security of all of our students and families.

The letter then explains how Angie and Brad have worked out a schedule of "staggered" pick-up times, hoping this will minimize the disruption. Cooke then addresses the matter of overzealous Brad and Angie fans - some of whom have kids enrolled at the school themselves:

Regretfully, I have seen some parents taking pictures, asking for autographs, talking to the media and even shouting at Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt for recognition. Therefore, in the best interests of the school and safety of your child(ren) I must ask for everyone to please respect the family’s privacy and discontinue these practices.

My question is, why couldn't Brad and Angie just hire tutors for Maddox and teach him at home? It all seems kind of silly to me - especially considering how short a period they all tend to stay in one place to begin with. What good does it do enrolling a kid in school if you're constantly going to be yanking him out to jet off to New Orleans and L.A. and God knows where else? It seems Brad and Angie just like the idea of having a kid in this high-falutin school. It's a status thing. It doesn't matter to them that their very presence is making life difficult for everyone else.

The other issue at hand is poor little Maddox, who is beginning to show the effects of the crazy lifestyle his mommy and daddy are forcing him to live. A source says that, recently, the kids at the Lycee were asked to bring in a picture of themselves - which caused Maddox to basically flip out:

He was terrified. He refused. He started crying. Obviously the poor kid has grown up in fear of having his picture taken.

Okay, that's a little sad. But he'll just have to buck up and learn to live with it won't he? As long as Angie thinks there's positive publicity to wring out of him and the other kiddies, she's going to keep dragging them out everywhere.

(source)

Amy Winehouse Finally Got Some Help

We're happy to report that Amy Winehouse has finally gotten the help she so desperately needed. No, she has not stopped doing drugs and drinking - this is Amy Winehouse we're talking about. By "help" we mean "assistance of the fashion variety." Yes, Amy at last decided to start listening to someone besides herself, and ditched her demin hotpants and ballet slippers. She almost looks presentable now - like the kind of girl you'd bring home to mama if mama was also a blood-vomiting crackho.

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Not Gay So Stop Saying He Is

Jake Gyllenhaal took his girlfriend Reese Witherspoon to see a Judy Garland tribute at the Hollywood Bowl - so according to everyone that proves Jake's gay. Cause only gay people like Judy Garland. Well I think the whole thing is just silly - first of all, the gay guys like Judy Garland thing is a total cliche. Wanna know one gay guy who doesn't like Judy Garland? Me. That's right, I can't stand the bitch, or her stupid daughter Liza Minnelli. So, if a gay guy can hate Judy Garland, then why can't a straight guy like her? Exactly - he can. So, you can shove your whole Jake Gyllenhaal is gay thing right up your pooper because it's a load. Jake is as straight as they come. All that stuff in Brokeback was just great acting. And Reese Witherspoon really is Jake's girlfriend and not a beard. Why in Christ would a woman like Witherspoon beard for anyone? Only desperate people like Jessica Simpson beard. Witherspoon is not desperate - surly and unlikable yes, but not desperate.

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Joe Simpson Is Full Of It

Joe Simpson aka The Holy Pimp has finally admitted publicly that his daughter Ashlee had her nose done. Wow - news-flash...Ashlee's shnoz is fake. And next Joe will tell us Jessica is an ass-freak with the IQ of a Reebok? Let me grab onto something before I'm knocked over.

Of course, you couldn't expect a phony bastard like Joe Simpson to go on some kind of truth-telling streak - if he does tell the truth, he has to follow it up with a big fat lie, just to get his percentage back down. Here's the one Joe unleashed after talking about Ashlee's rhinoplasty:

Girls have their own ideas. ... Anyway, there was a real problem with her breathing and that was cured.

Ashlee has problems with her breathing. Yes Joe, we know - but it doesn't have anything to do with her nose. It has to do with her being so stupid that her brain forgets to make her breathe. That's why people are constantly smacking her in the back of the head. That and how funny it is when she spins around and gives them a dirty look.

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Fart Pushes Cruise Over The Edge

Tom Cruise has been driven insane with rage - by a fart.

No, David Beckham did not let one rip while sitting on Tom's face (that would make Tom happy, not angry). The episode of flatulence that has Tom all in a tizzy actually took place during what was meant to be a respectful moment of silence observed by the cast and crew of Tom's new movie Valkyrie.

Tom, director Bryan Singer and writer Christopher McQuarrie apparently ordered the tribute in honor of the real-life anti-Nazis being portrayed in the film - and it was quite a touching and solemn moment too, except for the dude breaking wind. Said one insider:

Quite rightly, Tom is furious. We were filming at the Bendler Block in Germany, where the anti-Nazis were executed. ... For somebody to pass wind in a situation like that is unforgivable.

There is apparently video of the farting incident - and Tom is, even as we speak, studying said footage to see if the perpetrator can be identified. Let me give you a little help Tom - it's the dude who's giggling and waving his hand behind his butt. I'm guessing the guy standing next to him is sidling away while holding his nose. There may be some wilting foliage in his vicinity as well. You better catch him too Tom - wouldn't want someone getting away with making light of your empty, self-serving gesture. No one makes fun of Tom Cruise and gets away with it. Except, well, every blogger on earth.

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Lohan Getting Sprung

Lindsay Lohan is getting out of rehab this weekend according to various reports. No doubt there will be a transitional period between the release and Lindsay resuming her usual activities - a period that will last exactly as long as it takes Lindsay to get hold of her dealer.

Seriously though...I hope Lindsay has finally learned her lesson and will live her life on the straight-and-narrow from now on. She's a very promising young actress and it would be a tragedy if she were taken from us early like so many other young talented people. Of course, if her movie career is indeed over as some have suggested, then who gives a damn. Let the bitch drink and drug and sex herself to death. World's full of nasty skanks who can't hold down a job.

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Paris Hilton Going To Rwanda. Apparently There's A Dire Shortage Of Herpes There.

Paris Hilton is going to Rwanda. No, she has not developed a sudden hankering for some real African dick - well, actually she has, but that's not the reason she's going to Rwanda. She's making her trip to the impoverished African nation because she wants to help it. Said Paris to E! Online:

I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie. There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.

And:

I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.

Well, Paris said after getting out of jail that she was going to commit herself to helping make the world a better place. So now she's doing it. I guess that'll shut up all the naysayers, huh?

I personally never doubted Paris for a second. How could you? She oozes sincerity from every pore of her body. She has never spoken a false or disingenuous word in her entire life. She has never, for example, lied about doing drugs on national television with Larry King and his hard-on sitting a couple feet away. No - not Paris. She's the genuine article. When she goes to Rwanda, it will be all about helping those poor people - and it will have nothing - nothing - to do with some image makeover campaign dreamed up by a highly-paid team of publicists. Paris doesn't need spin doctors to force her to take up charitable causes - she knows what her true calling is. And I'm certain that when Paris does get to Rwanda it will not be a carefully controlled series of photo-ops - she will really get out into the countryside and see what the suffering is all about. We'll see what the real Paris is made of then. There won't be any complaining about getting AIDS when she steps into one of the numerous muddy, bacteria-filled puddles I'm certain. And there won't be any whining about the hotel staff's inability to produce a banana nut muffin for her at three in the morning. She won't be wearing any vaguely disgusted expressions when some Rwandan woman hands her a little fly-covered baby to hold either. No - not Paris. She's got an iron constitution (not to mention a heart of gold).

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More Britney Car Troubles

Maybe I only dreamed it - but I could've sworn Britney just got charged with hit-and-run and driving without a valid license. So now she has a valid license? She must, cause she hasn't stopped driving, as a new video on X17 shows. Other things the video shows: That Britney's car has a missing headlight and a big dent in the fender. And that Britney hasn't yet grasped the concept of the one-way street.

Kate Hudson Has Herself Some Fun

Kate Hudson messes around with Dane Cook while shooting a movie. Kate looks pretty sexy there in her jogging attire, doesn't she Owen?

Oh, put down the pill bottle Owen - you're not fooling anyone.

Tom's Building Himself A Retreat - Far From Reality

Tom Cruise and his crazy Scientology minions all think that galactic super-baddie Xenu is going to come to earth soon and vaporize us or perhaps eat us like in that one Twilight Zone where they thought the book they were translating was an alien guide to helping humanity but it turned out to be a cookbook. So, to prepare for this day, Tom is building himself a 10 million dollar bunker up in the middle of Colorado, and stocking it with everything a Scientologist and his kidnapped family, and possibly Will Smith and Jada Pinkett and maybe David Beckham, will need to survive until Xenu gets tired of his reign of terror and goes back to whatever evil galaxy spawned his cranky ass. And if it turns out that the Xenu stuff is really just a bunch of nonsense dreamed up by a second-rate science-fiction writer who may or may not have been under the influence of funny-gas? Well, then Tom will have a 10 million dollar concrete bunker full of boxes of powdered milk and cans of Spam that he can use as a vacation house. That's what they call a win/win.

I just hope no one tells Janet Reno where that place is, otherwise there could be a whole bunch of crispy lunatics to clean up.

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Keira Knightley Must Stop Embarrassing Herself

One day I may grow weary of reporting on every bit of infantile blather that comes out of Keira Knightley's mouth - but that day has not yet come.

Yes, Keira is flapping her yap again - and it's all the usual stuff about how rotten her life is and how she's sick of people talking shit about her. Said Keira to Allure magazine of her hatred of the red-carpet experience:

All these people were coming up to my face and screaming, 'SEVEN OUT OF TEN!' – referring to the way I look! And you think, You rude fuck.

Seven out of ten? You must have caught them on a good day Keira - cause most of the time I'd say you're more of a five out of ten. And in the brains department something closer to three out of ten. Also, why not try saying "You rude fuck" instead of just thinking it? Then we might respect you a little bit - you know, if you stopped only bitching about stuff in interviews and actually demonstrated that spunk during the events you say you despise, instead of going through the motions like a typical movie-star drone. Sorry Keira - but until you translate your bullshit into action, and just stop showing up or otherwise rebel against the things you pretend not to like, we will continue perceiving you as nothing but a spoiled whining little hypocrite.

Keira wasn't done with that red-carpet remark of course. She also had this to say about her body-image:

I'm not Wonder Woman. I have self-esteem problems. Everybody does. You know, skinny people are allowed to feel shit about themselves.

And what our criticism of Keira really says about us:

I have noticed it creates an anger in people who are not skinny. People like to blame their insecurities on other people.

Actually Keira, it's not your being skinny that bothers me - it's your being a complete insufferable, self-absorbed twit. But, okay, if you want to make things simple and have it all be about your looks, and the fact that we're not beautiful like you and vent our insecurities by making fun of you and the other famous, gorgeous people we wish we could be like...so be it.

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Britney's New Hair

Britney has replaced her ratty blonde weave with a ratty brown weave. This change, I assume, is a response to all the turmoil in her life - the hit-and-run charges, and all the crazy stuff her ex-bodyguard Tony Barretto has been spewing. You know, cause changing your hair solves everything.



"Just gimmie a second y'all. I gotta go in here and change my diaper."

More On Britney!

It's now being alleged that Britney is using an asthma inhaler to help her lose weight. Apparently, asthma medication contains epinephrine, an appetite suppressant. This technique is known to be very dangerous - and even killed model Krissy Taylor.

Britney - how could you do something so irresponsible? There are people who depend on you Britney. Like Chris Crocker. What will he do if you die? His career will be over. Unless he's somehow able to transform his fake concern for you into fake concern for Lindsay Lohan. Then he'll be okay.

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Charitable Paris

Paris Hilton showed her new commitment to charity by appearing at last night's 16th Annual amfAR Rocks Event To Benefit The Foundation For AIDS Research. Paris, as we know, is particularly sensitive to the plight of AIDS victims - as she demonstrated the other day when she stepped in a puddle and declared that she too had the disease now:




I wouldn't worry too much Paris - everyone knows that herpes kills AIDS. So you should be fine.

Zac Efron Is A Dork

"Yo giant outer space man - wanna get naked and take some pics? I swear these ones won't end up on the internet like the ones I took of Vanessa. Man, that helmet is really turning me on. Plus you smell really good. Like Saturn in the springtime."

Zac Efron at Halo 3 Midnight Madness in Hollywood.

Clooney Laughs Off Motorcycle Wreck

George Clooney's sense of humor was apparently not damaged when he and stripper girlfriend Sarah Larson clipped a car with their motorcycle and ate pavement. The actor showed up at the premiere of his new movie Michael Clayton with bandages on his wounds and a couple of quips up his sleeve. Said George:

I'm a little dinged up - lots of Neosporin ointment. I'm definitely not jogging or doing jumping jacks.

We are just resting for now. You don't really want to rub or massage parts that are broken or anything!

We are hiding Sarah's black eye with make-up. It looks like I socked her a couple of times.

Funny-man Clooney could still face legal trouble over the incident. Police are investigating whether he struck the car, a Mazda owned by one Albert Sciancalepore, while attempting to pass on the right - a no-no in New Jersey. I'm guessing George won't be laughing if he gets charged with reckless driving. Meanwhile, his girlfriend seems to be enjoying the attention she's getting from hopping around on her crutches with her broken toe. Savor it while it lasts Sarah - I'm guessing you've got about a month left to bask in George's reflected glow before he dumps you and moves on to a new stripper.

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Kiefer Nailed For DUI

Actor Kiefer Sutherland faces five days in jail after being hit with his second DUI charge in less than five years. Sutherland, who returned from direct-to-video hell when his TV show 24 hit it big, was popped in West Hollywood after being pulled over for making an illegal U-turn and blowing well over a .08. Unfortunately, since Kiefer doesn't have a vagina, no one really cares if he got nailed for DUI.

Double-standard!

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Miller vs. Moss

Sienna Miller and Kate Moss plumb don't like each other. The ill feelings between the two noted slags reportedly came to a head Saturday at a wedding reception for a mutual friend - with a little help from alcoholic spirits.

The trouble started, according to the Sun, when Sienna showed up with non-boyfriend Rhys Ifans - who is also a friend of Kate's. Moss, apparently, doesn't like the idea of Ifans sleeping with Sienna. But they're not sleeping with each other of course - Ifans has just been camping on Sienna's couch for several months. Whatever - Moss obviously thinks Ifans and Sienna are an item, and she's not pleased. She let Sienna know loudly and obnoxiously what she thinks of her - in front of all the wedding guests, and her own boyfriend Jamie Hince. Said a source:

Kate had a go at Sienna and accused her of stealing her style. She was ranting on about how Sienna was now trying to steal her lifestyle and her friends too. ... It was really cutting and everyone was listening to them. ... A few drinks had been sunk by the time Kate said it and Sienna had plucked up some Dutch courage too. She gave Kate as good as she got.

Sadie Frost, Kate's old friend and of course the sometime companion of Sienna's ex Jude Law, stepped between the two raging drunk idiots and brokered peace. Reports the source:

Sadie stood between them and reminded them that it was a wedding and that they should show some respect. Sienna was in the mood for carrying on the scrap but Rhys persuaded her to call it a night.

Sadly, no punches were thrown. It would've been hilarious to see pictures of these two knockdown alcoholic twits attempting to land bitch-slaps on each other's phony faces. I don't even know which slag to root for in this one - they are equally repellent. I guess I'd root for Sienna only because I find her marginally more amusing than Moss - although I think I'd enjoy seeing Sienna's face all bruised up more than I would Moss's, for some reason. And think of all the damage Moss could've done with those bony knuckles of hers.

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All Aboard!

"Hop on the Posh Express baby. We'll take you on a one-way-trip...to someplace frigid where the sex is half-hearted and the boobs make noises like a fat person sitting on a leather sofa. Don't forget to visit the lunch car, where the special is a single pretzel and an algae shake. And of course all the porters are hot hot hot. Choo-choo baby..."

Victoria Beckham does something somewhere.

Britney's $6000-A-Day Habit

Britney Spears has a serious serious problem - she's a shopaholic. According to Tony Barretto, the world's most famous tattling former bodyguard, Spears will routinely burn through thousands of dollars a day just buying crap - despite efforts by Britney's handlers to curb her runaway spending. Said Barretto:

The other bodyguard and I would have to carry the cash which was delivered to us daily in a white money bag to pay for whatever she wanted to buy. ... She could certainly spend money - even in junk shops. In one, she spent $8,000 on stuff including an old chandelier. I spent 45 minutes putting up the thing for her and then it didn't work. Britney's response was, "Get rid of it."

Hmm...this Barretto guy may be a great snitch, but apparently he ain't shit as an electrician. I wonder what kind of chandelier it was anyway. One of those really classy ones that look like a wagon-wheel I'll bet. "I seen one of those in a Denny's and I always wanted one." This ain't exactly earth-shattering stuff Barretto is giving us, is it? Britney does dope, Britney's insane, Britney blows money faster than Robert Downey, Jr. in Tijuana. Why not give us something we can sink our teeth into Tony? Like, "Britney once read a whole book. It was a pop-up book, but it was a book." That would blow me away.

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Hannah Montana Pregnancy Rumors

Relax Hannah Montana fans - despite what you may have heard, your favorite little budding starlet Miley Cyrus is not knocked up. Apparently, some fiendish, evil sort of person decided it would be humorous to spread a rumor that Miley, who's only 14, had gotten herself pregnant - but of course our precious little Miley, daughter of music legend Billy Ray Cyrus, would never do anything so foolish and irresponsible as have sex with a boy and get sperminated. She's a member of the Cyrus family, not the Spears or Lohan family. The Cyruses have class, not to mention talent - and most importantly, they have fantastic hair.

(source)

Slags And The City

"Did you see that homeless guy? He was like, blue, and there were all these flies swarming around him. And then that kid came and poked him with the stick...and he didn't move!"

Kristin Davis, Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kim Cattrall shooting Sex and the City: The Movie.

Bloody Brad

"You can hit me all you want bitch! We ain't adopting another fucking one!"

Brad Pitt on the set of Burn After Reading

Courtney And Kate Are Buds

Disturbingly, it appears that Courtney Love and Kate Moss have become friends. How the hell did this happen? Did Satan decide humanity wasn't suffering sufficiently? Aren't hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, epidemics and Andy Dick enough Satan?

Britney's Bodyguard Blabs

Tony Barretto - the ex-Britney bodyguard who testified to the singer's drug problems before family court - is on the loose and talking to magazines. Among Barretto's revelations - that Britney was involved in a wild drug-binge with singer Howie Day a couple of days after leaving rehab. Said the blubber-butt to News of the World:

[Britney] was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge—we thought she was dying.

Barretto claims that security checks were run on Howie Day, and that Britney was warned to stay away from him - but of course didn't listen. Then came a crazed phone-call from Britney, who was locked up with Day in his room at the Mondrian Hotel. Barretto recalls:

She said she wanted to cancel the tour. She was very confused. We asked her if she was OK and reminded her she had a show to do. Then Howie came on the phone and started arguing with us. We knew we had to get to her fast.

Barretto, another bodyguard and Alli Sims rushed to Britney's aid. Barretto describes what they saw when they arrived:

We could see Britney all red-eyed from crying. Howie was lying in his boxers asleep on the bed. The hotel room was trashed.

There were half-eaten plates of food everywhere. There were blankets all over the floor, clothes strewn everywhere. The trash was emptied everywhere over the floor.

The entire place was littered with empty beer bottles and liquor bottles, small glasses of ice and cigarette butts everywhere.

On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines.

By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.

Britney's a meth-head too? Christ, what isn't this chick on?

Barretto continues:

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she'd overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill. We tried to speak to her. My fellow bodyguard and Alli were so worried they wanted to get hold of a medic to detoxify her. We were panicking. We thought she was going to die.

There was talk about where to put the detox line it was that serious—through her arm, which would make fans think she'd been injecting, or through her neck.

It was very distressing. Eventually we decided to get her out of there. We grabbed her and took her downstairs. All the time all she could say was, "I don't feel good."

In the car she was really odd. She kept asking for the air conditioning to be turned up because she was sweating so much. I knew that was a bad sign.

Somehow, we managed to get her to the gig and on-stage in time. When she started singing she was staring intensely at me. She was out of it. I kept telling the other guard she needed help but he said she'll get you if that's the case.

On the way home, she was making up strange songs and singing them in a weird voice. Then she wound down the window and started yelling, "I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star."

She thought she was a rock star? Wow - she was out of it.

According to Barretto, this was not the only time he saw Britney bombed out of her mind. Says fatso:

I saw her snort white powder on two nights out at Teddy's nightclub in LA. The first time, she was in a private booth. She was sat with another girl. The second time she had asked me to walk her to the rest room. After she'd been inside for about half an hour I poked my head round the door. There she was with a straw up her nose.

And, says Barretto, Britney was sometimes intoxicated in the presence of her kids:

There were times when Britney appeared to be under the influence near them. It was frightening. ... She has a whiskey stash in her pantry—and even if the children are close by, that doesn't stop her drinking. After rehab she didn't want people to see her boozing. So in clubs she'd have Jack Daniels and coke in polystyrene cups so it would look like coffee.

I noticed that when she was under the influence of drugs at home, she behaved the same way as she'd done on drugs at the club.

Adds Barretto:

I was worried about the children due to her erratic behaviour. She wouldn't talk to them at all and she would be in her own world.

I remember being in the hallway, and she was at the other end looking completely out of it.

She would be nervously chewing her fingernails and babbling away. We'd have to look after the kids while she went through her strange behaviour.

I know enough about drugs to know she was not being the normal Britney.

And if that's not bad enough, Barretto says Britney has a tendency to behave like a total psychotic around her kids even when she's not loaded:

Britney does love her kids but she is a fickle mum. When the kids are happy, she's happy. When they're crying or unwell, she's not sure what to do.

She speaks to them in weird, creepy, baby voices, in made-up languages, which they just don't get. All it does is unsettle, upset and scare them. Often she would scream and cry uncontrollably. Imagine what that is like for young children.

And says Barretto:

When they are unwell, her answer is: "Give the baby a bottle of medicine." I've never seen her deal with them like a full, attentive mum.

NOTW also has video of Barretto talking about Britney. Well, they've got him talking on video. It must all be true then.

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Angelina's Frustration

Angelina Jolie is said to be frustrated that her efforts to save the world don't seem to be working out as well as she'd hoped. A source told The Daily Mail:

Angelina feels she is barely making a dent in the suffering she sees throughout the Third World as she travels incognito to different countries as a United Nations representative.

She wants to step up her action in what she calls Red Alert areas, the most seriously troubled, war-torn areas in the world.

She's in talks to go into Burma and help with students and AIDS victims who are suffering terribly.

But Angie is not only going to Burma to talk to students and AIDS victims - she's also reportedly negotiating to visit an orphanage there, and you know what that means. Yup. Adopted kid number four. But not the expected African playmate for Zahara - unless Burma has moved since I last looked at an atlas.

All right, so Angie's upset that the world isn't falling into line with her master-plan. That seems pretty typical to me - spoiled-brat narcissist shit thinks she can heal humanity's long-festering wounds, then gets angry when everyone doesn't stop their wars and corruption and corporate exploitation just cause she says so. So now she's going to hit some "Red Alert" areas...as she calls them. My God, I bet she has a big map too with thumbtacks in it - red ones for the bad countries, yellow ones for the okay countries and green ones for the good countries. Of course Angie only adopts kids from the red thumbtack countries. The green ones like America are full of blobs and other people who aren't worthy to even be in her presence. It never fails to amaze me, the self-importance of this woman. I mean, yes, being charitable is great, especially when you're rich. And I'm sure Angie probably has done some good at some point along the way. But getting frustrated and mad because the world isn't changing fast enough for you? Fuck sake Jolie, people have been killing and raping and fucking each other over for thousands of years - and you expect all that to end just because you're there? All the prophets and thinkers and wise folk who've inhabited the earth over the centuries couldn't do a damn thing to improve the human condition, and you think you should just be able to throw on some native garb and spout a couple actress-tears and - voila! - everybody's supposed to hold hands and sing songs? That's not just run-of-the-mill egomania kids - that's a sickness. This bitch makes Britney look stable by comparison.

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Britney Heading Back To Rehab?

Britney Spears's support system, which basically consists of Cousin Alli and a couple of over-worked lawyers, is urging the idiotic potential baby-murderer to get her flabby no-talent ass back into rehab. And Britney is said to be amenable to the idea - maybe. A source told E!'s Planet Gossip:

She has said she’ll go again. But everyone is worried she won’t go at the last minute.

Of course - because Britney is the most impulsive, flighty person in the history of the world. Bitch changes her mind as fast as it takes a new thought to enter her addled brain. Can you imagine ordering breakfast at a restaurant with this twit? "I'll have the bacon and eggs. No wait the pancakes. No wait I want blueberry waffles. No I want sunny-side-up eggs and some toast with strawberry jam. Raspberry. I want a tall glass of pickle juice and an onion. I want to be raped by a one-legged Icelandic midget. No I'll just have the bacon and eggs."

Not to be cynical, but wouldn't going to rehab at this point be about the lamest, most predictable thing Britney could do? Get in trouble, go to rehab. It's tired. If Britney wants to impress me she should do something off the wall - like, I don't know, get her shit together and stop making a moronic spectacle of herself? That'd be a switch.

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George Clooney In Motorcycle Crash

George Clooney was involved in a motorcycle crash this afternoon in New Jersey. Apparently George and his stripper girlfriend Sarah Larson were tooling around on a moped or some other manner of two-wheeled vehicle when they wiped it, suffering injuries that required attention at Palisades Medical Center. George was treated for a hairline fracture of a rib and road rash, while Larson was treated for a broken foot. Both were soon released. No word on whether either was wearing a helmet. George, however, was probably wearing a condom - he's so paranoid about impregnating anyone that he just wears one around all the time, to be on the safe side.

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Britney Had A Bad Day

Something bad happened to Britney Spears today. This is testified to by the above picture, which was taken as she came out from seeing her lawyer. A witness said, "She parked her car, and then suddenly tears started streaming down her face." What could it have been? Did Britney, as some have speculated, fail her first court-ordered drug-test, putting her half-custody of the kids in jeopardy? Possibly. However, since these pictures broke, it's come out that Britney has other legal issues, stemming from an early-August hit-and-run incident. Charges were officially filed over that little dust-up today, including one count of hit and run causing property damage and one count of driving without a valid license. Yup - add Britney to the ever-growing list of dumb-ass celebs who've been nailed for driving without a license. Shit man - just get a fricking license, and if you don't have one, get a fricking driver. What the hell does it take for you bimbos to understand that?

Sorry, got a little carried away there. Returning to a more sober consideration of Britney's plight...

Stupid fucking bitch! What part of "You can't drive without a license" don't you understand? Are those big words? Jesus, would someone please just slap some sense into this dumb cow?

Again, I apologize...

Fucking hell Spears! Are you the dumbest fucking bitch on the face of the earth?! I can't take it anymore! My head is going to explode! How can anyone be that dumb?!

I need to lie down.

(Thanks to Crabbiefan MaggieC for the tip.)

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Frances Bean - What Can I Say?

Your name is Frances Bean. Your mom is Courtney Love. Your dad was Kurt Cobain but he ain't around anymore cause he "shot himself." I think it's safe to say you were sort of born behind the eight-ball. But you're not helping yourself out by painting your face like a street-walker. Oh I know, I'm mean. But I'm not - I'm just trying to help the girl. Obviously, she has not been surrounded by great influences. Her mom's Courtney Love after all. Frankly, I'm shocked the child isn't a total basket-case. That's a triumph in itself. The next step would be for Frances Bean to wash the gook off her face, take the crap out of her hair, stop partying and hanging out with people like Tallulah Belle Willis, go to school and learn something useful. Screw fame - become a doctor, a scientist, fricking contribute something to society. That's what you people don't get - I'm trying to make the world a better place by making fun of these people. I'm hoping that, by being mocked, they will see the foolishness of the path they're on and change it to one that will lead them to true happiness. I'm a benevolent Crabster. Don't you see?

Damn, that's an ugly kid.

Mayer Sings

"Went out with a chick. A chick named Jessica. I buried my face in her big old boobs and everything was all right. Mmm I say it was all right. But then one day we were laying in bed. And I was stroking those big old boobs. And I felt something warm and wet against my leg. And then I smelled poo. And I looked down...and do you know what I saw? A big old turd laying there on the sheet. And I said, 'What the hell is that about bitch?' And Jessica said, 'Sorry John but I just had to go. You know sometimes a girl just has to go.' And I said, 'Yeah Jess, you're right. Sometimes a girl just has to go.' And I told her to go. Get right the hell out of my face and take her steaming smelly turd with her. She cried but I didn't care. Cause I'm a guitar-playing white boy who can get any woman he wants. Or any man for that matter. Mmm-hmm all right yeah playing the blues like a white man..."

John Mayer at VH1's Save the Music Gala

Brainless Britney

Britney had Sean Preston yesterday - and how did she decide to spend time with him? By taking him shopping. With a gazillion paps around. Cause there's no better way to bond with your child than by dragging them through hordes of ravenous assholes setting off flash-bulbs in your face so he can watch you try on dresses. And yes, Britney is sucking on a pacifier in that video. Did you hear me people who decide such things? She's sucking on a pacifier. And you determined that this woman was fit to care for children.

No Rehab For Degenerate Skanks

Lindsay Lohan has apparently stolen some dude away from his wife while in rehab. The guy, Tony Allen of some band called Dead Stays Alive, has allegedly been getting busy with Lohan in bathrooms and such - and now this has gotten back to the guy's wife, a British heiress named Stephanie Allen. Reports MSNBC:

A friend of Tony’s wife spoke to the Mirror about her pal’s devastation. “She has had it, period. They tried forever to have kids. She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age. All Stephanie wanted was for him to be a good husband and father.”

Oh, Steph - he's a rock and roller, don't you know that type? I mean shit, it's one thing to be attracted to some dude cause he's dangerous and stuff, quite another to be naive and silly enough to think you can make him settle down and become "a good husband and father." He wouldn't even quit dope for you Steph - he had to go to rehab to get his shit straightened out. And you're surprised he'd fuck around? You ain't gonna be bringing the potato salad to the MENSA picnic any time soon, are you Steph?

As for that little slut Lohan - well, what do you expect? She can't do drugs anymore so she's gotta replace that with something. Her old man tried to get her to accept Jesus into her life, but for some reason that didn't take. And knitting doesn't really seem Lohan's speed. So that leaves sex. Lots of sex. And where better to meet hot, messed-up rocker dudes than in rehab? Shit, Lohan's in hog-heaven there - except for the no-drugs thing.

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Keira Knightley - Professional Peddler Of Stupid

Keira Knightley thinks the paparazzi are stealing her soul. If you ask me she should be more worried about what not eating is doing to her body, but whatever. Here's what Keira said:

I believe the Aborigines say that every photo takes away a bit of your soul. It's very odd but I think there's definitely some truth in that.

Right Keira. And here's another statement that has some truth in it: You're an idiot. Actually, there's more than just some truth in that statement - it is total 100% truth. It is indisputable that you are a dim-wit. And don't give me a bunch of crap about your mother and father being artists - intelligent, talented people occasionally give birth to mutts.

Seriously Keira - getting your picture taken steals a bit of your soul? So what's it called when you accept a bunch of money to have your picture taken by professional photographers and then put in magazines? Selling your soul? So what you're saying is that it's fine with you if the camera takes your soul away, just as long as you get paid.

Whores only sell their bodies Keira - so what does that make you?

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Let The Bastard Rot In Jail

Icky Sean Stewart has learned that he will have to stand trial for an alleged assault against a married couple. The June incident, which took place after a party, saw Sean and his hooligan friends attacking an SUV belonging to Tobalus and Ericka Stein, who happened to be inside said vehicle during said assault. The victims claim Stewart and his pals smashed the truck with bricks and a trash-can, and Ericka says she was hit by one of the bricks and also wound up with a back full of broken glass. The attackers were finally repelled by Ericka's husband Tobalus who picked up one of the bricks and threw it back at them, unfortunately not braining Sean Stewart.

Stewart's attorney Dana Cole claims her client is only being targeted because he's famous, saying the Steins are after his money. Um...more precisely, Dana, they would be after Rod Stewart's money. And if anyone's being targeted for being famous here it's Rod - cause, you know, Sean ain't actually famous except for being Rod's son. Rod, it seems, is the real victim here. Oh yeah, and the two people who were sitting there minding their own business when these drugged-up barbarians came out of nowhere and started smashing their car with garbage cans and bricks.

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Terrence Howard Likes Fake Booty

Terrence Howard is getting busy with Kim Kardashian and her giant fake ass. Says Page 6:

A spy spotted the star of the new E! reality show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," arriving and "making out" with Howard at Tenjune and then Butter last week. "They were all over each other," snitched the onlooker. "She was sitting on his lap and he was rubbing her butt."

Terrence Howard must have an enormous lap. And enormous hands shaped like canoe-paddles. I also like the name of Kim's show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The problem with that is, when you finally catch up with Kim, you immediately bounce backward about ninety feet and have to pick yourself up and run after her again. Seriously - Kim Kardashian has a reality show? I thought after Brooke Hogan, Tori Spelling and Britney Gastineau they'd run out of useless skanks to build shows around - but I guess I was wrong.

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New Vanessa Hudgens Pics

There are more pictures of Vanessa Hudgens floating around. I'm not sure if they're real new or a little new or what - I only know I never saw them so they're new to me. Most of them are pretty boring but there are a couple that are semi-naughty. Like Vanessa showing her butt and Vanessa sticking her middle-finger up. Pretty much the same stuff Avril Lavigne does on a daily basis except Avril's not in Disney movies so no one cares.



How this works is, I post the pics, and then I boldface keywords like Vanessa Hudgens, naked, nude, naughty, hot, sexy and butt. And sit back and watch the traffic not roll in.



Does that say "no fucking?" Um...right Vanessa.