In what can only be described as the most ironic story of the last couple years, one-legged con-artist Heather Mills has been accused of kicking a woman who tried to photograph her.
Mills was reportedly at a Starbucks, on the phone with one of her lawyers, when the alleged assaultee, Emma Levy, raised her own mobile phone to take a picture of the loud-mouthed activist and former porn model. What happened next is described here by Levy herself:
"She jumped up, grabbed me by the throat and pushed me toward the door. She lashed out with her left leg, kicking me in the bum. I have a big bruise."
Spokespeople for Mills admit the incident did occur, but claim Mills was angry because she thought Levy was a harassing paparazzo and not merely an innocent random person with a camera-phone (because there are so few of those camera-phones around).
First of all, does it really count as a kick when the foot in question is made of plastic? Isn't that more like assault with a deadly weapon? I mean, what if Heather had a spike sticking out of the end of the foot, or razor blades, or attached a chainsaw to it? Or what if it shot a laser beam? And what if Heather had the other leg taken off and replaced with a machine gun? And had one of her arms lopped off and instead of a hook had a big corkscrew (for opening all those bottles you know she sucks down on a nightly basis)? Or had her head amputated and replaced with a kind of vacuum attachment that just went around sucking the money straight out of people's pockets? These are all good ideas I think. I'm going to forward them to Heather instead of my usual weekly "Fuck off and die" note.
