Crabbie thought Vanessa Minnillo was just another anonymous piece of ass - until he read this little account of her inebriated antics the other night at New Year's (I can't believe I'm linking to Yeeeah!):
I don't know about you, but I'm starting to like this broad. Let's hope she realizes the publicity value of such activities and decides to persist in them, instead of doing the boring, predictable thing by apologizing and chalking it up to one night of indiscretion.1:44 a.m. Nick [Lachey], Vanessa and their huge entourage arrive at the Joonbug.com party at Marquee. Vanessa begins sucking down glass after glass of champagne. Soon her eyes are half closed, her head rolling around. She keeps opening her legs and the ladies in her entourage physically shut them for her. Vanessa then straddles Nick and makes out with him passionately while her short skirt rides up. She later falls off of the booth and into the recesses of the furniture. Her crew helps her up while Nick watches in stony silence, unamused by her antics.
3:35 a.m. Vanessa takes Nick’s beer and chugs it, while some of the beer runs down her face and neck. As the group gets ready to leave, an unsteady Vanessa tries to stand up but she falls down into the booth. Nick starts to pay the bill, and Vanessa digs into her wallet puts a wad of cash in her mouth and jokingly starts waving it around. Vanessa’s girlfriends take the cash from her mouth and distribute tips to the beleaguered staff.
With any luck we'll soon be reading a second account of Vanessa's nocturnal activities, one that goes a little like this:
12:43 a.m. Vanessa Minnillo yodels loudly as she totters into the nightclub. Nick Lachey is nowhere to be seen, and when one of Vanessa's friends asks her where he is, she replies in a shrill, slurry voice, "Leff him in the car. Who are we talking about? Gee thas a nice necklace." At which point she attempts to eat her friend's jewelry.
1:48 a.m. Vanessa has been dancing for the better part of a half-hour. The staff has already had to come out with puke-mops twice and the second time they had to wrestle a tiny gremlin-like creature that came rising up out of the mess. When the manager tries removing Vanessa from the dancefloor, she gives him a sharp elbow in the face, bloodying his nose, then cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West. The police are called.
2:22 a.m. Vanessa lies prostrate on a cot inside a jail-cell, having been picked up by police. Two policemen are in the hospital with wounds suffered when Vanessa broke a bottle and started waving it around like a Mexican. Vanessa herself is unscathed, but smells terrible. She hums to herself as she lies there, an old sea-shanty. In the next cell a butch lesbian in a flannel shirt plays the harmonica.
3:01 a.m. Vanessa and the lesbian have escaped the jail and are now speeding away in a stolen police car. Vanessa has ripped off all her clothes and is currently sticking out the window of the car waving her dress in the air, her breasts painted with strange symbols. The car is pursued by police vehicles, helicopters, black FBI SUVs. At dawn they reach the cliff, and the lesbian hits the gas and they fly over the edge into eternity, defiant to the last.
Roll credits (maybe throw in a Carole King tune).
