Skanklet Lindsay Lohan appears to have lost her last shred of contact with reality, and is now living in the Twilight Zone. What other explanation could there be for the e-mail she recently sent to her friends and lawyers, which lays out her plans for rehabilitating her image, including a crazy scheme to enlist the aid of such luminaries as Al Gore, and Hillary and Bill Clinton?
And what exactly are Gore and the Clintons supposed to do for Lindsay's image? We can only quote the e-mail, which makes slightly less sense than something written in a lost, ancient language:
"Al Gore will help me," writes Lindsay. "He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. ... If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
Al Gore talked to Lindsay Lohan? Well, they were at that big GQ party together, the one where Lindsay threw a fit because her former assistant was there with Jessica Biel. I wonder exactly what Gore said to Lindsay there. Probably he was just being polite to her, and she misinterpreted his cursory interest as some gesture of friendship she can now prevail upon.
But back to the e-mail. In it, Lindsay refers to some confusing desire of hers to improve her image by releasing "a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press." It must be pointed out that Lindsay also expresses disdain for the tabloids in this e-mail, saying at one point, "Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character." So now we have a hint of Lindsay's intent - she's angry at the media for the way they portray her, and thinks she can somehow fix it by having Al Gore help her draft a letter that will cast her in a more positive light. I don't need to point out that most of the negative stuff people print about Lindsay is accompanied by evidence in the form of pictures, video and eyewitness testimony, do I? If Lindsay wants to improve her image, maybe she should stop flashing her cooch and acting like a raving drunk in front of photographers. And especially stop writing things like this e-mail and her rambling Robert Altman condolence message, which make her seem only slightly less insane than the Cat Lady from The Simpsons.
But wait, it gets better. Apparently, Lindsay believes she has a lot of wisdom to impart to the world (because she's learned so much in her 20 years on this earth). In her e-mail, she expresses the desire to give her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
"Which we all know and can obviously see." Yes Lindsay, we all know, and see, that you have a tremendous influence on both younger and older generations. I myself view you as another Gandhi, a shining beacon of peace and love in an otherwise tumultuous world.
You cannot make this shit up.
Oh, and of course Lindsay plays the poor-little-me card (couldn't leave that part out):
"It's my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all. But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my opinion. I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be."
But my favorite line in the whole Page 6 story this comes from is the last one:
"Lohan's representative, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, had no comment."
Of course not.
