It's Golden Globes night. Crabbie's going to chime in from time-to-time, because he has nothing better to do.
(By the way, if you're reading this after the fact - why are you reading this? Anyway, just go to the bottom and read up. It's more suspenseful that way, especially if you don't know who won (Babel).)
11:01 - Babel wins Best Picture. Of course it does. Because it's the arty movie about how we're all connected. That movie always wins. Whatever. My eyes hurt and I'm going to bed.
10:56 - Schwarzenegger's presenting Best Picture? Didn't he just break his leg? Are they going to wheel him out or something?
10:54 - Forest Whitaker. Jesus. I don't think even Idi Amin himself was this messed up (and he ate people).
10:46 - Helen Mirren again. What hasn't she won tonight? Apparently, all you need to be considered a great actress is a snotty British accent.
10:43 - Heroes robbed again. Fuck you Hollywood Foreign Press, and fuck your stupid ceremony. And fuck Grey's Anatomy and all the skanks on the show, and McStupid and McCreepy and whatever the hell.
10:38 - Dreamgirls won. Borat got skunked. I'm sure someone somewhere cares.
10:31 - Is Sacha Baron Cohen hot? Crabbie still hasn't gotten over that scene with him and Ken Davitian. It reminded him of too many old relationships. Ugh. Better not go into that.
Jennifer Lopez:
10:10 - This god damn Warren Beatty tribute is even longer and more boring than Reds.
Hey, let's have Annette Bening come up on stage and recite the alphabet.
Kate Winslet:
Reese Witherspoon (aka The Angry Midget):
Courteney Cox and David Arquette:
Naomi Watts (drunk):
Why look everybody, it's Cate Blanchett:
9:50 - America Ferreira wins for Ugly Betty. It's the night of the fat girl at the Golden Globes. Viva fat girls!
Cameron Diaz. Um, you look really good Cameron. Heh-heh:
Ali Larter of Heroes:
Hilary Swank. Who says Crabbie never posts pictures of men?:
Jennifer Garner. Nice mug, Jen:
9:37 - Clint Eastwood's Letters From Iwo Jima wins Best Foreign Language Film. Isn't it past Clint's bed-time?
9:32 - Ugly Betty wins. That's the most Hispanic people seen together at one time in the history of Beverly Hills.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus. As if anyone cares:
9:24 - What? No political rant from Baldwin? He's slipping.
You want to thank your daughter, Alec? Is that the one you and Kim Basinger keep fighting over? I can't wait until she starts pouring forth about you in therapy. Hell, she probably already has.
Beyonce:
9:20 - Who cares about writers? Let's see some drunk broads.
Salma Hayek and her giant boobs:
9:12 - Aw, I wanted Bening to win. Cause she's obviously totally loaded, and would probably have fallen down on the way to the stage.
9:01 - Eddie Murphy just won a Golden Globe. The Golden Globes officially have no credibility.
8:58 - Is there anything Helen Mirren isn't in? I think she may actually have played the bear in Borat.
Brad and Angie bestow their presence on the unwashed. They both look old and used up. And Brad looks like he's had work done:
8:46 - Great. Another award for Meryl Streep. Yawn.
I wanted Zellweger to win, so she could go up there and say something drunk and crazy.
8:41 - Charlie Sheen just called Emilio Estevez a genius. Everything I've heard about Bobby is that it's a piece of crap and the Foreign Press Association are idiots for nominating it.
By the way, Lindsay's in that movie. Is she there tonight? I haven't seen her. Damn, we need some Lindsay to jazz up this boring mess.
Vanessa Minnillo. Probably half in the tank already:
8:34 - Will Hugh Laurie never shut up?
Penelope Cruz:
Eva Longoria:
8:32 - Mohinder. Mmm. Yummy.
Drew Barrymore:
8:25 - Naomi Watts is drunk. She couldn't pronounce Inarritu's name, and she was in one of his movies.
Sienna Miller's arrival at the awards. That loud booing sound you hear is the entire city of Pittsburgh:
8:13 - Giving an award to Jeremy Irons. Gee, how original.
Hiro was robbed!
8:06 - Justin Timberlake is presenting an award? Don't you have to be able to read to do that?
8:04 - Jennifer Hudson wins Supporting Actress. Let's hear it for the fat black girl (Of course NBC cuts to America Ferreira. Hey, a fat girl won, let's get a fat-girl reaction.).
Beyonce is pretending to be happy for Jennifer. Just hold it all in, Beyonce. Hold it all in.
7:58 - Seacrest just said he's not into Patrick Dempsey. Right.
Cameron Diaz looks like a crackhead Cyndi Lauper.
Jessica Biel walks the red carpet. Sorry, no ass-shots:
7:48 - E! Spend some money and buy some decent audio equipment. Basic-cable slobs.
7:41 - Evangeline Lilly says she's going to quit acting one day. How about today, bitch?
7:37 - Ha! They totally cut off Jeremy Piven and his mother to go to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt! Piven is nothing. Hug that out, bitch.
God, Jolie is on drugs. She can't stop blinking. Pitt is doing his best to act like he doesn't want to deck Seacrest for asking stupid questions.
7:32 - Brad and Angie are here! Can't you just feel the heavenly glow permeating the air?
Get this stupid amateur bitch out of here. Hugh Laurie just wants to run away and hide.
7:23 - William H. Macy hates Ryan Seacrest. Oh Jesus. Will Ferrell looks like he should be on Welcome Back Kotter.
7:19 - Patrick Dempsey. What do they call him again? McSquirmy? McSquishy? McWhogivesafucky?
Hayden Panettiere of Heroes. Very natural color to her face:
7:14 - I want Giuliana DiPandi to die. She's all gushing about that stupid Blood Diamond movie and talking about how it changed her perspective on things. Please, bitch. You couldn't be any more of a feather-headed, slobbering twit. I hope you fall down a flight of stairs and break your ugly face.
7: 11 - They're treating DiCaprio like he's some kind of god. Now Seacrest is asking him about the orphan he's sponsoring. Why don't you just go down on him Ryan?
Here's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt and her bazooms:
7:01 - Jessica Biel seems medicated. I hope Seacrest doesn't accidentally jab her with his woody. Now he thinks she's a lesbian.
6:58 - Eva Longoria is actually kind of funny. She has a nice laugh. Seacrest should disclose to the audience that he's friends with her though. Journalistic ethics is what they call that.
6:52 - America Ferreira. Shouldn't this chick be working at Burger King?
6:48 - Penelope Cruz is a cackling witch. A minute ago they showed Chloe Sevigny. I hope Gallo's there some place. We need some action.
6:34 - It's the little fat girl from Little Miss Sunshine. I think she has a crush on Seacrest. Everyone has the stupid little purse with the mirror. Gosh.
6:26 - I just saw Sienna Miller. She looked like an Olsen twin. Hayden Panettiere is a ditz.
6:23 - Yay! Hiro! Keep your hands off him, Seacrest.
6:16 - The stuff running across the bottom of the screen on E! is the most insipid drivel I've read since the last time I was on Perez's site.
6:08 - John Stamos looks 22. Does he have another woman after being dumped by that model? OMG. Seacrest just hit on Stamos.
6:05 - Seacrest looks like a mental patient with that hair. He just called Debbie Matenopoulos talented. This fag just made a crack about Judi Dench being the new Paris Hilton. Please. Dench is way dirtier than Hilton will ever be.
6:03 - Red carpet. Giuliana DePandi is talking to Zach Braff. He's trying to be funny. He's not succeeding.
