Breaking News: Britney's A Bad Mom

The parenting coach assigned to Britney Spears confirmed in court what we pretty much already knew - that Britney ain't exactly a candidate for Mom of the Century.

The monitor, one Lisa Hacker, submitted to Commissioner Gordon a report which asserted, among other things, that Britney is not "child-centered" in her interactions with SP and JJ. Said Hacker's report:

During three of my visits, Ms. Spears rarely engaged with the children in either conversation or play. ... It seems that her choices are dependant more upon what she wants to do at any given time, rather than what would be more enjoyable for the children.

Not to disparage Ms. Hacker who I'm sure is good at what she does, but duh.

We already know that Britney does whatever Britney feels like doing and couldn't care less what might be fun for the kiddies. This is demonstrated every time Britney drags them out shopping with her, or takes them when she's going to the rehearsal studio. In Britney's self-centered, childish little mind, whatever's fun for her must be fun for everyone else. She's simply incapable of grasping the concept that parenting is about giving up what you want for the sake of the babies.

Hacker did concede that Britney seemed to improve in the fourth session - so perhaps Britney's capable of at least temporarily assimilating new information and adjusting her behavior accordingly. However, the report was damning enough that Commissioner Gordon saw fit not to give Britney back 50/50 custody.

So, the Britney custody drama goes on. Where's my cyanide?

(source)

Orlando Bloom Walks His Dog

"I said to him when we were leaving, 'Orlando, my master. You're not honestly going to wear the "Unstoppable" t-shirt? You do know it makes you look like a total retard.' But he said it's his favorite shirt and he has to wear it. And then we looked all around for his helmet but we couldn't find it. It worry sometimes, I really do...

Ooh, ooh. Fire hydrant at four o'clock!"

The Softer Side Of Russell?

"I swear to Jesus, if you don't get out of my face I will pick up this stroller with my child inside it and hurl it at you, and my child will leap out at the last second and attach himself to your face and bite your face until your face resembles the inner-lining of my reamed-out asshole! Do you understand what horror is about to befall you, you son of a double-cunted, constipated yak?!"

Kate Gives Up Money For Pete

Kate Moss has decided not to put a claim on royalties owed her from her "musical collaborations" with ex-boyfriend Pete Doherty, allowing the cash-strapped Pete to have all the money for himself. Said a friend of slaggy Moss:

Kate wants Pete to have the royalties. She was happy to have the writing credits on the album but it's not about the money for her. ... The music is Pete's thing. There is still a huge place in her heart for him and she is happy to see him doing better. She doesn't want to take money off him.

Does that not just restore your faith in humanity? I mean seriously - what a lovely gesture by Kate. Letting Pete have all the money because she knows how broke he is. And now Pete will be able to buy all the little miniature kitten-crackpipes he wants, and give crack to his kittens, and buy pot to give to penguins, and do all the other fun stuff he loves to do. I don't know about you, but my freaking heart is glowing right now.

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Don't Tease Us Heather

Dog-murderer Heather Mills claimed today on British television that negative media attention has driven her to contemplate taking her own life. Said a tearful Heather:

Everything they write is complete rubbish. They've called me a "whore," a "gold-digger," a "fantasist," a "liar" and the most unbelievably hurtful things. ... I've been so close to suicide.

You forgot a few Heather. Like, "ass-faced, one-legged Gorgon" and "kitten-smothering baby-eater."

Heather went on to claim that she receives death threats (which I don't doubt), and that fear over her daughter's safety has also caused her to consider drastic action:

A certain part of the tabloid media created such a hate campaign against me, that they put my life and my daughter's life at risk. That's why I considered killing myself because I thought, if I'm dead, she's safe and she can be with her father. And that's the truth. I'm sick of it.

See that Heather? It's a new river that's just been created from my tears.

Face it Heather - you've spent your entire life trying to get close to people who could help you get what you wanted. That's why you fucked all those rich Arab dudes back in the day, and that's why you married Paul McCartney. Your entire sickening life has been geared toward becoming rich and famous and having people think you were important - and now you've achieved that, but you don't want the "negative" attention?

All your life people have been holding you down, right Heather? And they're doing it again aren't they Heather? And all you ever wanted was a nice quiet life with your true love Paul - but that went to shit too because even Paul victimized you. Everyone victimizes you. The whole human race does nothing but spend its time thinking of ways it can fuck with your shit. "Hey, I've got an idea - let's wait for that Mills chick to go walking by, then have some cop on a motorcycle run her leg over so they'll have to lop it off!" Oh, what a laugh we all had when we came up with that one. And when we all conspired to make up that story about you killing the lady's dog with your fireworks display - we were practically rolling on the floor in hysterics.

Yes Heather, it's a conspiracy - everyone is out to get you. People in the press, and all the nasty fly-fart blogs like this one, and random strangers you meet on the street - we're all in on it. So, I'd say you might just as well kill yourself. Cause the bullying is never gonna stop Hopsy - not as long as you continue amusing us.

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O'Donnell Harassed By O'Reilly Producer

Bill O'Reilly wants Rosie O'Donnell to come on his show so he can call her a big fat terrorist-loving cow. Rosie refuses to do so, because even someone as dumb as her is smart enough to know O'Reilly has no intention of letting her give her side, and only wants to beat on her so he can look like a hero in the eyes of his cross-burning redneck fans.

Rosie was trying to sign books when one of O'Reilly's producers, armed with a camera, confronted her about her unwillingness to submit to O'Reilly's treatment. Rosie was very polite in the way she got rid of the interlopers, who kept trying to make her angry by bringing up some unfortunate comments she may once have made about 9/11 being an "inside job."

Of course O'Reilly played his producer's tape on his heinous show. And Rosie posted the above video on her website, which features Rosie interacting with a crippled kid at the end - just so we'll know who's the good guy and who's the bad guy.

I would have no idea who to root for if O'Reilly and O'Donnell squared off. The best we could hope for would be if Rosie cinched O'Reilly's head between her giant lesbo thighs and popped it off, then somehow choked to death on all the blood spurting into her big fat useless mouth.

Britney Thinks She's Madonna - And The Year Is 1988

Britney Spears is trying to whip up trouble by putting out these pictures of herself posing provocatively with a dude dressed up like a Catholic priest. Yup, that's how desperate Britney and her people have become - they're attempting to channel Madonna circa 1988.

Unfortunately, there will probably be at least a small controversy over these rather tame pictures. I'm certain the Vatican itself will have nothing to say about them - they've got their hands full trying to cover their own pedo asses - but you know some dopey moralist group or an idiot TV host like Bill O'Reilly or that vile puke Glenn Beck will seize on the thing as an opportunity to trumpet their belief that society is going down the drain and it's all the fault of harlots like Britney who should be burned at the stake (when we know the real culprits are the moralizing hypocrites like O'Reilly and Beck who spew their intolerance and hatred over the airwaves thereby contributing to the degradation of the American soul in a way far more profound than Britney's silly attempts at naughtiness could ever hope to do).

The really sad thing is that you know Britney thinks she's being all daring and subversive - just like she thinks her sarcasm makes her above everyone. But these are all just signs of an insecure, pitiful little person who's so out-of-touch with reality she even makes Michael Jackson look sane.

Matt Damon - Old And Grizzled And Sorta Creepy

Matt Damon gets a beer at a Bruce Springsteen concert. That must be really entertaining - watching Bruce hobble out on his walker and mumble "Born to Run." Bet Matt gets all aroused watching it. He wants to stick it to Bruce so bad. Right now Matt looks almost as old as Bruce. But he's still not nearly as big a douche.

Wonder What He Does With His Lightsaber...

Yup - it's Paris Hilton dressed up as Alice in Skankerland and Larry Birkhead as Darth (Anal In)Vader. It's a toss-up as to which of them seems more feminine. Leave it to Birkhead to make a toy lightsaber seem like the gayest thing since Charles Nelson Reilly's cravat.

Heather Mills - Dog Murderer

Alleged animal lover Heather Mills is being accused of killing a neighbor's dog with fireworks.

Now we have an image in our heads of Heather going around ramming big-ass firecrackers up dogs' buttholes and giggling as their asses explode - but that's not exactly how this went down. According to Heather's East Sussex neighbor Sandra Rowbury, what happened was that Heather had a fireworks display at her mansion, which drove Sandra's Weimaraner bitch Glow so crazy with fear that her gut bloated and she died. The display is also said to have terrified Rowbury's 15 horses.

Said Glow's grieving mistress:

As far as I'm concerned she has hurt my animals. I am distraught Glow died.

It was a huge display - the size of a town's celebrations. Everyone else lets people know if they are planning fireworks, so they can move their animals or give them sedatives.

She calls herself an animal lover, but she showed no respect for the animals around here.

A friend of Heather's has rushed to her defense however, saying:

Heather and her sister Fiona both had their dogs at the display and neither was affected.

If this dog has died, Heather will be absolutely devastated. She is a great animal lover. She'd want to apologise to this lady if the fireworks caused her animals any distress.

Distress? The poor thing's gut blew up like Gummi Bear at a buffet and it died - I'd say that was more than just "distress."

See, here's the thing about Heather Mills - the bitch is just evil. It doesn't even matter if she intends doing harm, her actions just naturally wind up causing harm. I'm certain that, when Heather finds out a dog died because of her thoughtlessness, some little part of her withered-up heart will feel a slight pang of sorrow at it - and then her natural instincts for denying any and all responsibility for her actions will kick in and she'll insist it couldn't have been her fault. By the time Heather's done, she'll have convinced herself that the dog's owner was actually responsible for killing her, and was only using the fireworks display story as a cover for her sick, Vick-like actions.

The sad thing in all this is that the fireworks were actually part of Heather's daughter Beatrice's birthday party. I hope to heck no one ever tells Beatrice about the dead dog or else she'll be wracked with guilt. Then again, being the child of Heather Mills, Beatrice may in fact be incapable of experiencing actual guilt. She may in fact be a budding little evil monster like her fiendish peg-legged demon of a mother.

(Yes, that's the real Glow in the picture.)

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Does Angelina Have Another Blob In The Oven?

There's another rumor circulating that Angelina Jolie is knocked-up. This one got started after Angie cancelled a planned lecture in Italy and it was reported in local papers that pregnancy was the cause. Then there was this statement from a spokesperson for the Pio Manzu Centre, the place that was hosting the cancelled lecture:

Angelina cancelled last week. Due to her privacy I can't confirm her pregnancy, but I can say that the Italian newspapers are correct in their reports.

They're correct in their reports? Which reports? The ones saying she cancelled the trip or the ones saying she did it cause she's preggers?

I would tend to believe that Angie is indeed pregnant. Cause it would take something that significant to force this self-important bitch into giving up the chance to stand in front of a bunch of adoring people and pontificate. Cause you know that's what she lives for - not helping the downtrodden but talking about how much she loves helping the downtrodden. She doesn't do drugs anymore, so being better than everyone else is her drug.

And now she's knocked-up again. How horrible for her, being infested with yet another blob that will just come out all privileged and unworthy. What she should really do is drop the new baby out in the woods someplace and make it find its own way home. You know, teach it what hardship is about. Then she won't have to be so ashamed of it.

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Rumer Willis Is Also Stupid

Rumer Willis may be young, be she already grasps the full importance of being famous. Said Rumer:

Being famous isn't going to parties ... it's about being able to use the power that we all have to kind of give back.

Yes Rumer - the famous need to use their power to give back to the little people who put them where they are. Because if they don't, then what are they? A bunch of useless assholes everyone makes a big deal out of for no particular reason.

Rumer says that, despite her youth, she's ready to take on the great responsibility of fame:

It's a 24-hour job. It doesn't matter if you are going out to a restaurant – you have to be aware of what you are doing and how you look and how you are presenting yourself, because most of the time people never get to know you.

I'm not exactly sure what that meant, but I'm certain it was profound. It would have to be, coming from such an enlightened creature as Rumer - someone who thinks that because people enjoy making fun of her ugliness she is now a celebrity.

It's not going to be pretty when Rumer finally realizes...nah, she'll never realize. And by that time she'll have had it all fixed anyway.

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Britney Close To Losing It

The good news: Britney is letting Cousin Alli drive now.

The bad news: Nutty shit happens no matter who's driving.

Owen Wilson Still Looks Like He's Not Happy

Owen Wilson avoids eye-contact with the paps while leaving Mr. Chow. He's supposed to be all better, but I don't know - I think I'd keep him using plastic butter knives for awhile longer.

Kate Moss Insanely Jealous Of Sienna Miller

Cokehead Kate Moss has told her scruffy buddy Rhys Ifans to beware of having his heart broken by girlfriend Sienna Miller, who Kate seems to think is some kind of heartless man-eating skank. A friend of Sienna's told a British tab:

Kate isn't happy. Rhys was her main male friend in her close-knit group. She isn't keen on Sienna. There is definite tension between them.

Sienna was fuming after Kate gave Rhys a talking to when she heard the relationship was getting serious. Kate doesn't think it will last and doesn't want Rhys getting hurt.

Not hard to figure out what's going on here. Sienna's the new It-girl, the one everyone talks about, and Kate is jealous because that used to be her before years of living with Pete Doherty left her a total rodent-faced wreck. Kate must just gnash her teeth at the thought of how much attention Sienna gets. And Sienna plucking Rhys from Kate's little circle was the icing on the big green rancid cake of jealousy.

If I were Sienna, I'd be careful of Kate. I don't think that chick has even the first shred of a moral lurking anywhere in her disgusting anorexic body. If she's pushed far enough, I could easily see her killing Sienna. Or, I could possibly see Pete Doherty killing Sienna as a means of winning back Kate's heart. Either way, Sienna's probably going to end up dead. And Rhys Ifans is going to have to find a new couch to crash on.

(source)

Avril's Stupid Costume

This is how Avril Lavigne dresses up for Halloween. Vroom, vroom, right Av?

Hey, nice boots. What, did you steal them off a Mexican wrestler? Should've stolen the mask too - then we wouldn't have to look at that fugly-ass face of yours.

Oprah Puts On Show Of Being Sorry

Oprah Winfrey is doing damage-control in the wake of allegations of physical abuse at her South African school for underprivileged kids.

The media mogul put her busy life of pretending not to hate white people on hold to fly to the school and meet personally with concerned families, telling them:

I've disappointed you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

"Ha - grovel some more bitch!" That's what I would've said if I were there. Cause really, how often to you get the chance to make the most powerful woman on earth get down on her knees and beg forgiveness? I would've made her kiss my ring - a ring I bought specially for the occasion then dipped in a toilet full of my own poo. Oprah wouldn't even have known she was kissing a poo-tainted ring, but I would've. She would've looked up at me all wondering what the fuck I was giggling about, and I would've been like, "Sucker."

(source)

This Is What Paris Sees When She Looks In The Mirror That Shows You Your Soul

Paris dressed up as a creepy Alice in Wonderland for Halloween. The other 364 days of the year, she dresses up as something a thousand times more disturbing - Paris Hilton.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Not Anorexic. Just Old And A Bit Dense.

Oscar-winning actress Catherine Zeta-Jones is denying rumors that her new slimmer figure is the result of anorexia.

People says Zeta was originally informed of the scuttlebutt by her decrepit old fool of a husband Michael Douglas, and that the whole thing just amused her. Zeta tells People:

Michael was laughing at me. He told me what [people had] said – that stories say I'm anorexic. Do I look anorexic? How could I ever, ever be anorexic?

I don't know Zeta dear - how do people normally become anorexic? They stare at too many pictures of Kate Moss and start thinking they're fat. We don't have to worry about you ever staring at too many pictures of Kate Moss though - we know the only pictures you ever stare at are your own.

We still love you though, Big Z, even if you are vain and silly and married to the single most revolting male this side of David Gest. Cheers daaaaaahling!

(source)

Britney Not A Fan Of Angel

Apparently there's been some kind of falling-out between former collaborators (wink, wink) Britney Spears and Criss Angel.

We remember that the two were nearly inseparable for awhile there when Britney was "planning" her VMAs appearance and Criss was supposedly helping her - but now Britney doesn't want anything to do with Criss, though Criss continues making overtures toward her like inviting her to his big Vegas show on November 8. A friend of Britney's told new MSNBC gossip ho Courtney Hazlett:

She hasn’t thought about Criss Angel once since her MTV Video Music Awards show debacle. He used Britney for fame. Now that he has his new TV show, he wants press again and he’s is using her. People think she’s a fool, but she knows when she’s being used, and the stakes are higher than they’ve ever been.

I don't know about those stakes, but I do know Britney's higher than she's ever been - and that's pretty damn high. Must be some good stuff. Apparently, it's not good enough to blind to her to the intentions of a self-promoting dickhead like Criss Angel Mindfreak though. She totally sees through that guy. Honestly though, who wouldn't? He's a magician. As David Copperfield has taught us, magicians are some creepy fuckers who all women should stay away from. That goes double for anyone silly enough to go around calling himself "Mindfreak." Fucking hilarious nickname. Think I'll call myself Melvin Crabtree Assfreak from now on.

(source)

Still Together

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi attended a Louis Vuitton gala together last night. So that means they're still a couple. It actually was the dumb dog that had Ellen so despondent a couple weeks ago, not some break-up.

I don't know what you all think of these two, but I've always kind of suspected there was something funny going on. Something about Portia - I don't know, she just looks like the kind of chick who'd really unload on a person physically if given the chance. I think she slaps Ellen around some. I don't know anything - it's just a guess based on the fact that her face annoys me, and Ellen just seems like the kind of sad-sack who'd sit there and let some crazy broad smack the shit out of her.

Next Time, Honey, Just Go With The Mask...

Rumer Willis at a costume party. Yes, we know - she doesn't need a mask; her real face will do.



So she's dressed-up as some kind of high-end whore? Sorry Rumer hon, but chicks who look like you don't make it to high-end whore - they make it to airport hooker if they're lucky. The best job you could expect to get at a classy brothel is cum-mopper (and they don't give you the mop for the first three months).

Paris's Rwanda Trip Cancelled Over TV Plans

Paris Hilton was supposed to travel to Rwanda on some kind of humanitarian mission - then the organizers of said trip, a charity called the Playing for Good Foundation, abruptly bailed out, saying:

Due to restructuring...the philanthropic trip to Rwanda that we had previously planned with Paris Hilton has been postponed.

Sounds like a lame-o "we don't wanna talk about it" excuse to me. Clearly, something happened to change the charity's mind about collaborating with Hilton. Maybe they simply came to their senses and realized Hilton was only trying to use them, and the starving Africans she was planning to fake-cry over, as a means of helping her image after the whole jail thing.

Now it comes out that Paris was planning to have herself filmed in Rwanda as part of a new reality show called, I'm not shitting you, "The Philanthropist." The Playing for Good people were asked about this, and denied their plans ever included filming for a reality show. But I call bullshit on that. I think Playing for Good initially signed-off on the idea, thinking their association with Hilton would make for good publicity, then someone clued them in on how revolting it would look for them to participate in Hilton's disgustingly exploitative bit of image rehab and they bailed.

Anyone who may have had a shred of regard left for Paris Hilton as a human being - how does it make you feel to know that Paris was prepared to fly to Africa, to the middle of a country where people are starving and suffering and dying for real, and film herself acting like she cared about them? This was not an Angelina Jolie situation where self-serving motives co-exist alongside genuinely philanthropic ones - this was a situation where the only motive was a self-serving one.

Paris is trying to make people think positively about her. So some publicist whipped up the idea of having her go to a country full of misery and suffering because then people would know she cared. And Paris thought this was a good idea. And her celebrity made her attractive to a charity trying to gain attention for itself. And the charity denies it was ever about making a TV show? What would've been the point, from Paris's point-of-view, of doing it without cameras present? It doesn't benefit her at all if people don't see it. So the charity thought Paris just really, really wanted to help starving Africans?

Is it humanly possible to have your head that far up your own butt without suffocating?

People just need to stop giving Hilton the time of day. She is evil, pure-and-simple. And being associated with her can only damage your own reputation. There is nothing good to be gained by collaborating with her, having your picture taken with her, being in the same room with her, thinking about her...she is a negative force on this earth who only leaves a trail of destruction behind her. Someone should really just drive a stake through her heart...or we could all just ignore her, which amounts to the same thing.

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Paris's Giant Hissy

Paris Hilton was in Toronto this week, I'm not sure why - maybe as part of her international spread-the-herp campaign. Anyway, during said trip, Paris had occasion to dress up in a skeleton costume - is Halloween early in Canada or was she just on something? - and go gallivanting about. In the midst of said gallivanting, Paris happened upon an adult video store advertising her infamous sex tape One Night in Paris. This got under Paris's skin, and she reportedly stormed into the store and began ripping down the posters. While doing so Paris reportedly screamed:

You guys can't use my image in a porn store. I'm going to call my lawyer and sue the shit out of this place. ... I really want them down because they're mean and this is not right. I'm really serious, this is disgusting. And I want the other ones too or I'm calling the fucking cops.

Oh, by the way - this was all caught by surveillance cameras. Reporters working for Canada's CTV were allowed to view the tapes and transcribe Paris's words. The porn-store owners are right now peddling the tape to various tabloids - despite a warning from Paris's people that a defamation suit would ensue should they attempt such a thing - and have reportedly been offered $500,000 for it.

I find it amusing, first of all, that anyone would try making money selling One Night in Paris when it is readily available for free pretty much all over the place. I guess there are still schmos out there who've never heard of the internet.

Secondly, I didn't realize there were still heterosexuals who got turned on by Paris anyway. I thought everyone was past that. Maybe I'm not up on my hetero-culture as much as I should be.

Thirdly...Paris. What are you going to do? Go around destroying all evidence of your shameful activities? That would take at least 50,000 years. I know you want to freeze yourself and be thawed out once they've found a cure for whatever mutated super-VD you die from, but even then, I doubt you'd have enough time to find all of it. Face it - that's who you are. The lice-ridden slut in the video who got sent to jail because she didn't know it was against the law to drive around without a license. Embrace that reality, Paris. Stop trying to portray yourself as that little innocent angel you drew in the picture you sent to Harvey Levin. Stop lying about being a pot-smoking harlot. Last I heard, your granddaddy Barron had decided he was going to give you your fortune, so what the hell do you care?

And Paris - there's a simple remedy for a tarnished public image: Stop being a public figure. Stop grubbing for publicity in every nook and cranny of the world. Stop posing for pictures. Stop taking movie roles. Just, stop. Please.

(source)

Naomi Campbell Rages On

Rageaholic Naomi Campbell is at it again. The model, who recently served a week-long community service term over an assault against one of her employees, got into it with British Airways staff at Heathrow in London after showing up too late to board a flight with all her luggage. Said a source:

When BA staff explained she was too late, she exploded and stamped her foot. There was a tirade of abuse.

Campbell demanded that the flight be held so she could get on. Staff refused this request, but did tell her she could board sans baggage, which they would then send on a later flight. Campbell's response:

You are joking. You are always losing bags and I don't trust you with mine in a million years. I can't believe you won't allow me on your flight. What is this? Who must I speak to?

Hmm...looks like all that time Naomi was spending with the shaman, or whatever the hell it was, didn't work out. Guess there's no cure for being an insufferable, stroppy twat with an absurdly over-inflated ego.

(source)

Britney Flakes Out In Court

Britney Spears went completely wacky yesterday during her custody hearing in an L.A. County courtroom.

TMZ reports seeing Britney leave the courtroom a total of three times to go to the bathroom - once emerging with her hair changed and a different pair of sunglasses. What, did she think she was fooling the judge? "I'm not Britney your honorableness, I'm her cousin...Mitney...Mears..."

Britney did take time-out from her latest nervous breakdown to coin a new phrase which is sure to sweep the nation: "Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!" No, Britney was not giving us a list of her talents - she was actually responding to a question by a reporter stationed outside the courtroom. Of course she broke down crying after this. Apparently she spent most of her day crying, possibly because the parenting coach she's been assigned has handed the judge a less-than-sterling report on her mothering skills.

A new custody decision is expected Monday or Tuesday.

By the way, those who were wondering what ever happened to Cousin Alli - she was reportedly with Britney yesterday at the court house. Loyalty - ain't it lovely?

(source)

Orlando Off The Hook

Orlando Bloom walked away from the scene of his accident on October 12th - and now the actor will walk away from the whole affair legally unscathed, as the L.A. County D.A. has decided not to file hit-and-run charges against him.

The D.A. has cited "insufficient evidence" as a reason for not pursuing the matter. In other words, the video of Orlando apparently walking away from the accident did not definitively establish flight. The court document said:

[Bloom] walked approximately 60 feet from the scene in an apparent attempt to avoid paparazzi's continued pursuit. ... [Bloom] was not D.U.I. but was dazed.

So he was disoriented and trying to get away from the paps - and was not behaving in a criminally irresponsible manner. That's a relief.

(source)

Natural Born Nitwits

Jennifer Aniston and Woody Harrelson shoot a wedding scene for their new movie Management. Ah Jen - might as well enjoy the fake one, cause you're never having another real one. Unless you just decide to marry a plumber or something.

A Couple Of Zeroes

Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson. "This is how I cut hair. Snip snip snip. Except I use real scissors and not my fingers. Cause my fingers ain't sharp enough."

So Jessica's given up on sex entirely and is just hanging with Ken Paves now? I bet he'd give it to her in the ass, if she got him drunk enough.

Renee Zellweger Is Crazier Than You

Congratulations Renee Zellweger - you are now officially my crazy Aunt Veronica. I can't wait till Thanksgiving, when you come over to the house and treat us to your annual drunken rant about everything that's wrong with the world and specifically your four ex-husbands - two of whose bodies have still not been found, by the way.



"I'll tell you what...if I had the whole thing to do over again, I never would've yelled at the stupid bastard that the ladder was shaking. 'Hey Herb. Ain't it a little windy to be cleaning out the gutters?' What the fuck was I thinking? I should've let the bastard go down. The whole god damn neighborhood would've come out and had a party. 'Hey Herb, looks like you got a little broken neck there. Want some potato salad?' Haa!"

Sienna Miller - Environmental Crusader?

Some outfit called the Environmental Media Association has given Sienna Miller its Futures Award, in recognition of her efforts to raise awareness about global warming.

Not to dump on the Environmental Media Association or Sienna, but...does anyone remember Sienna actually doing anything related to the environment? Cause all I think of when hearing the name "Sienna Miller" is endless pictures of her going around with various grotty-looking men.

I guess I just wasn't paying close enough attention. Apparently, Sienna is actually an ambassador for something called Global Cool - a job that requires her to occasionally give statements like the following:

We need to understand that we have to stand together and work together to conserve the bounty of nature. Hence, it is my sincere request to my friends, fans and citizens of India to do their bit to keep global warming from harming this beautiful country.

I'm guessing she said that in India - cause if she'd said it in Akron, it would've been awkward.

Sienna will apparently be handed her prestigious Futures Award at the 17th Annual EMA awards ceremony, which will be televised on E!. No word yet on whether Ryan Seacrest, the guy from The Soup, Kim Kardashian's fake ass or any other noted E! "personalities" will also be appearing at the ceremony. And we also don't know if Sienna will be bringing her boyfriend Rhys Ifans, who has never himself won an environmental award, but was once declared an environmental hazard.

(source)

Dina Lohan To Film Reality Show (God Help Us)

E!, the network responsible for Keeping Up With the Kardashians, is set to lower the bar even further by giving a reality show to the vilest of all celebrity moms - Dina Lohan.

The show, which is as-yet untitled, will follow Dina as she manages the career of her younger, fuglier daughter Ali, as well as other "artists" she has signed to management contracts. Dina herself describes the show this way:

It’s about empowering women to be successful single mothers. About being in the limelight without compromising motherhood. It’s about what I do, how you can be successful, and be a single mom and fulfilling your kids’ dreams. Working is my sole source of income.

Which part of that statement should I laugh at first? The part where she talks about being in the limelight without compromising motherhood, or the part where she claims working is her sole source of income? Well, I suppose she's telling the truth about the second part - if one considers leeching off one's sex-crazed, cokehead actress daughter a job. On the first part, however, it's hard to defend her. All she's ever done, from what I can see, is compromise motherhood in the name of getting rich. No one who took motherhood seriously would have stood by the way she did and watch her own spawn get sucked into such a destructive lifestyle, then pawn the whole thing off on the very same media and Hollywood establishment she willingly and self-servingly exposed the girl to in the first place. Shame on the sickening bitch.

And shame on E! for continuing to validate these revolting creatures. Kim Kardashian and her disgusting ass weren't bad enough - now they have to prop up this festering sore Dina. Why not just give O.J. a reality show while you're at it, E!? Or go around looking for some serial killers to film as they stalk train station bathrooms in search of teenage runaways to murder and gut and consume in bizarre ritualistic fashion?

Why is it that the worst elements of society - the shamelessly narcissistic and crass and useless - are the only ones who get on reality shows? Has there ever been a decent human being on one of these things? They're nothing but showcases for asshats. But, this is probably appropriate, given that VH1 and E! and the other networks that produce this shit are all run by asshats.

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Posh Disses Tom, Pisses Off Barneys

Victoria Beckham has some kind of talent for antagonizing people. Take her recent dealings with the high-end shop Barneys New York in Beverly Hills for instance. According to an insider, the salespeople at Barneys are fed up with the extra work caused by Victoria's odd-ball purchasing habits. The insider said:

She buys so much in every department. But she demands it all be special-ordered. And then she returns tons of it -- and they can’t put her altered clothes on the sales floor!

Of course they can't put Poshy's altered clothes on the sales floor - no one else on earth is a size negative-4. I suppose they could give the stuff away to emaciated, toothless indigents, but how fucked-up would that look, a bunch of bag-ladies and meth-heads walking around in absurdly tight leather frocks and crazy shit covered in emu feathers?

Barneys' salespeople aren't the only ones fed up with Poshy's attitude either - it seems her "pal" Tom Cruise also has reason to be irked with her.

Recently, Tom asked Poshy for some tickets to an upcoming Spice Girls reunion show - and Posh stiffed him, claiming the show was sold-out. The sad thing is that Tom is described as having been "excited" about the thought of seeing the Spice Girls. Oh yeah? I didn't think Tom got excited over anything except crackpot alien-related end-of-the-world scenarios... and fantasies of David Beckham showering. Goes to show, you never can tell.

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Sienna And Rhys - Such A Lovely Couple

Rhys Ifans really seems to be enjoying his night out with girlfriend Sienna Miller. Or maybe it's the flash off someone's watch that has Rhys so entranced.

One person who's definitely not entranced - Jude Law. Reports say Jude was hot to get back together with Sienna, and was devastated to learn she was going out with his old pal Ifans instead.

Snooze you lose, Jude. Especially with Sienna. She switches men so fast...you gotta be quick.

Polaroid Claims No Sponsorship Of Hogan

Nick Hogan has been lying low ever since his reckless driving left "friend" John Graziano in a vegetative state worse even than Paris Hilton's. Actually, I'm being sarcastic there...Hogan has not been keeping a low profile, despite what common decency or at the very least lawyer-ordered prudence would suggest. Instead he's been running around acting the jack-ass and posting stuff on his blog...stuff about the big Polaroid sponsorship he snagged for his asinine racing team, for example.

Yes, Polaroid sponsors this douche - though all of a sudden that company is keen to deny the connection. Apparently there was a flood of angry mail, electronic and otherwise, directed at the corporation in the wake of Hogan's blog posting, leading to a statement from some Polaroid flack claiming they are not in fact sponsors of Hogan's team. Funny, cause on Hogan's website, hogandrift.com, there are all sorts of pictures like this one:




Perhaps my eyes deceive me, but that appears to be a race-car, and the word "Polaroid" appears to be emblazoned across the side of it. And, oh dear...does it not say "Nick Hogan" in white letters just below the window?

All right, so perhaps Polaroid was sponsoring Hogan previously and is no longer doing so. Funny then that Nick would boast of their future sponsorship on his blog, and list them as a sponsor on his site.

I hope the folks at Polaroid are proud of themselves for their affiliation with Nick Hogan, a criminal douchebag. We can only hope that, when someone finally dies as a result of this bastard's activities (and you know that day's coming), it will be a Polaroid executive lying in the coffin, and not just some random, innocent person.

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Tranny Freak-Out

Jessica Biel gets mad at paps and tells them to get a real job. How hilarious - a chick whose career is based on the fact that she has a big ass telling someone else to get a real job.

When Retards Go A-Walkin'

Jen and Violet go for a stroll. Gosh, aren't they...special.

David Copperfield Is A True Creep (Allegedly)

How big of a creep is magician and alleged rapist David Copperfield? A pretty ginormous one - if you believe new reports by TMZ and the National Enquirer.

The icky Copperfield stories got started last week when it was learned that the FBI had raided the magician's warehouse in Las Vegas and removed numerous items, including digital cameras, a hard-drive and cash amounting to $2 million. Then came the shocker - news of a rape allegation against the performer, leveled by a Seattle woman who claimed she was lured to the Bahamas by Copperfield in July and attacked.

TMZ was first to make a connection between the stuff the FBI took and the rape allegation. Sources told the site that Copperfield deliberately designed part of his show as a "system for picking up women," a system that involved using a digital camera for shooting interviews with babes David had picked out of the audience and invited backstage. One of the interviewees - possibly Copperfield's accuser - mentioned the Bahamas on-camera. And wouldn't you know it - Copperfield happens to own a bunch of islands in the Bahamas.

Now, the National Enquirer has added to the picture. A friend of the accuser tells them that Copperfield lured his victim to his lavish magician's lair in the Bahamas, telling her there was to be a party. When the victim showed there was no one there but Copperfield however. This disturbed her and she tried to leave, but Copperfield sweet-talked her into staying. Then, in the middle of the night, Copperfield allegedly forced himself on the woman, violently enough to leave her bruised. The friend said:

She told me she fought back. But she said that just seemed to turn him on more.

The woman supposedly took pictures of the scene with her cell-phone afterward, and avoided showering as a way of preserving any evidence. She then flew home to Seattle, and was met at the airport by her mother who took her directly to the hospital where staff performed a rape kit on her. The woman then contacted the authorities. The FBI eventually got in touch with her, and convinced her to participate in a sting operation which included her emailing Copperfield and setting up a meeting in Vegas.

The $2 million reportedly seized from Copperfield also enters the picture - because that sum is exactly how much the alleged victim says Copperfield offered her to keep her mouth shut. Obviously, she did not take the money.

Yes, David Copperfield is apparently that much of a vile creep. But really - what do you expect from someone who spends his entire life fooling people? I believe a certain arrogance has to attend becoming that adept at pulling the wool over people's eyes. Copperfield has probably come to believe himself superior to all other humans, and therefore above morality and decency and all the rest of that stuff. To him, these women were just toys with which to satisfy his nasty urges.

Yes David Copperfield - you are good at tricking suckers into thinking you have magic powers. But the fact is you don't. You're just another Vegas act with a big giant ego. Now, hopefully, the authorities will perform a real neat trick - by making you disappear forever into jail.

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Moses S'poses

"I wanna stay with the statue. It's warmer and more convincingly human than you."

Vanessa And Nick And Their Injured Pooch

God, don't tell Ellen. She'd be liable to chuck herself off a balcony.

Tom Cruise, Master Ventriloquist

"Now, my dummy will sing 'The Star-Spangled Banner' while I drink this tall glass of water. Take it away soulless, glassy-eyed wooden pseudo-person..."

Aguilera Double-Knocked-Up

Skanky pumpkin-face Christina Aguilera may be pregnant with twins, a "reliable source" has told Rush & Molloy. Looks to me like she's already got them.

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Jake And Reese No Longer Pretending

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon can now stop being coy about their relationship. They're a couple. We know it for sure after seeing this picture from their Rome trip. And no, it's not from some movie they're shooting, so don't even try that.

Another thing we know after seeing this pic - Jake likes Big Macs. Or cheesecake. Or beer or something else that gives you a gut when you consume too much of it. Usually people gain weight after they break up, not when they're in the middle of a big romance. Or, they gain weight after they're married. And we know Jake and Reese aren't married. Are they? Or will that be the next revelation?

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Heather Mills Claims To Feel Emotion

Peg-legged demoness Heather Mills claims she gets weepy when watching Dancing With the Stars, a show on which she herself once competed:

I was watching it with my daughter last week, and I got quite emotional and excited. I never got emotional when I was on it, but when I was watching it at home I wanted to cry. I had little tears and my daughter said, "Mommy, are you okay?" And I said, "Yeah, I'm fine." And she said, "Is it because Jonathan is dancing with another woman?" I'm so happy for them.

Stop it Heather - everyone knows you're incapable of human feeling. And stop trying to make us think better of you by claiming to have these adorable little exchanges with your kid. What a sickening ploy that is, attempting to humanize yourself by shoving your kid in our face.

But you want to know something even more sickening? Bringing up physical problems as a way of getting sympathy. Here's Heather on her health woes:

I had a broken pelvis when I danced in Dancing With the Stars. I've had a broken plate for a few years now, and it just pops out now and again.

I hope it hurts.

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Doherty Free To Do Drugs Again

Animal-lover Pete Doherty has been released from an 18-month-old treatment order and is therefore no longer under court supervision. In other words...party at Pete's trailer!

Oh gosh, I know, Pete doesn't do drugs anymore. He's clean. Real clean. Like my conscience. Sorry but I just lapse into Taxi Driver sometimes. Someday a real rain's gonna come and wash all the scum off the streets...

Scum? Streets? Pete Doherty?

On the subject of Pete's love-life...there's a report out claiming Pete has dumped model Irina Lazareanu, to whom he was supposedly engaged, and is hot to get back together with Kate Moss. But now that he's off drugs, will Kate still look as scrumdiddlyumptious to him? Or will he suddenly realize what a scrawny, rat-faced little boy-girl she is?

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Attack Of The 50-Foot Bland Pop-Star

Is it Gwen Stefani or Richard Kiel in drag? Either way, it's not Madonna, and never will be.

Hear that Gwen? Never will be.

Keira Knightley's Big-Ass Hat

At last, Keira Knightley has found a hat big enough to fit atop her swelled head.

Claire Danes. Why? I Don't Know.

"They're taking pictures of me. No, I don't know why either. Maybe there's a rumor about me sleeping with John Mayer."

Matthew Gots A Girlfriend

Matthew McConaughey has lady-hips. His woman does not. Something is wrong here.

Lindsay And Her Man-Bitch

"What's up, yo? Yeah, I'm banging Lindsay Lohan. It's the shit man. She's like so hot in bed. Plus you can't even begin to imagine all the drugs this chick can score. Honestly - she can just close her eyes and count to three, and cocaine starts coming out of her asshole. No foolin'. At first I thought it was just shit, cause it was brown and smelled just like shit, but Lindsay told me it was really a big lump of brown shitty-smelling coke that I just had to dry out and grind up and I could sniff it. I still don't know why she laughs every time I do it though. Shit - I guess that's just what chicks do when they're totally in love with a fly homie like me. Peace, y'all."