There was a time when Jessica Simpson was considered the most likable, well-adjusted of all the blond pop-tarts (not a huge accomplishment considering her competition was Britney and Christina, but still). But now Simpson would seem just as sad and hopeless and headed for the scrapheap as any of the others
The latest debacle in the on-going disintegration of Jessica Simpson took place last night at the Kennedy Center Honors, a hoity-toity Washington affair attended by the president and other luminaries. In tribute to honoree Dolly Parton, a quintet of performers, including Simpson, was to do a medley of her songs. Jessica's tune was 9 to 5, a big hit for Dolly back in the '80s (and also the name of a hideously lame movie almost saved by Lily Tomlin). But halfway through the number, Simpson simply gave up singing, muttered, "So nervous," and slunk away from the stage to the audience's silent amazement. Later, when the performers came back to take their bows, Simpson was said to be visibly crying.
Here's the problem kids: Jessica Simpson is not a professional performer. She's a product of studio trickery and marketing and music videos and her creepy, incestuous father's insistence that she be thrust into the spotlight. Real professionals, like Dolly Parton for example, pay their dues in the business, and are toughened by their experiences. Even if they fucked up in the middle of a song (and I'm certain Parton has done it many times in her life), they would never just crawl away and cry like babies. They would smile bigger and keep on plugging (and in Dolly's case, just show a little more boob).
Jessica and her even-less-talented sister Ashlee are perfect examples of the modern-day pseudo-performer - people who are sold to the public as entertainers, but have no real chops as performers, and don't even have personality to fall back on (and personality has saved a lot of people who were otherwise mediocre). These people are androids - someone programs them and they saunter out on-stage, but the first time something goes wrong their circuits freeze. That happened to Ashlee on SNL, and she reacted to it by getting a nose-job. One little failure and the girl resorted to self-mutilation - I mean, Jesus Ashlee, develop some fucking fortitude. If you're an entertainer then take your lumps like all the great ones had to. If you're not, then get the hell off and let someone on who is.
And the same goes for Jessica too - and Lindsay Lohan, who couldn't handle a few boos at an awards show, and threw herself down a flight of stairs so she'd have an excuse to run away like a sniveling child. Record companies and TV networks have to stop trying to pass these hopeless nitwits off as performers. I mean, honestly, Kennedy Center people - why did you hire Jessica in the first place? So you could use her name to sell your dumb telecast? And now you'll have to cut her out anyway, won't you (hopefully the excised footage will make it onto YouTube, cause I really want to see that)? Don't these dumb-asses do their due diligence on the people they're hiring for their shows? Or do they hear the name, "Jessica Simpson," and think, "That'll grab that 18-35 demo all right." Stupid.
I almost feel sorry for Jessica, actually. I mean, here she is, laboring under the sad illusion that she's a pop-star when all she really is is a joke. All we care about when it comes to Jess and Ashlee and Brit and Lindsay is the carnage. We want them to fall on their faces because we resent them. And we resent them because we know how phony they are, and what dupes people have been for making a big deal out of them in the first place.
Update: Well, they showed the footage of Jessica's alleged "meltdown" on CNN just now. And I for one am a tad pissed. First of all, the crowd was not sitting in silence as was reported this morning. They were clapping. They seemed to feel for Jessica. Yes, she did stumble and mess up while singing the song, and did say she was "nervous" once she got finished. But it was not nearly the belly-flop it was portrayed as.
Nevertheless, I stand by my ranting comments about Simpson not being a real performer. She isn't.
