I know for a fact that the toy giraffe little Harlow's chewing on in this picture was made in China. Out of the ground-up bones of sweatshop laborers who died in horrible industrial accidents. Mixed with melamine. And laced with an extract made from dog kidneys and panda eyes. Not only is it unhealthy for the kid to be chewing on that giraffe, but I'm pretty sure Greenpeace is pissed about it too. Not to mention how Hayden Panettiere feels. Doesn't Nicole care about Hayden's feelings? Callous bitch.
How brave of the Jonas Brothers - writing a book all about their struggles with venereal disease. This will help so many people. Way to go young lads. You are an example to us all (and especially those who want to have sex with Taylor Swift).
Underage smoking on stoops of brownstones, going to museums, the seasons, and how great a school Spence was.
This is really awesome...Tom and Katie have hired Bea Arthur to babysit Suri! Bea's looking great, isn't she? I love the wig. And Suri seems to really like her. This is the coolest thing Tom and Katie have ever done. Way to go guys!
I have been clear that if worse comes to worse, I will let all of this collapse into ruin, just as I believe letting the markets crash and burn [is] the right approach. Pain now for clarity and balance later.
"I told that honky if he made one more joke about me looking like Bill Cosby on I Spy I was gonna tell my girl to let him have it. And what happened? Cracker-ass cracker. I got $700 million and what's he got? Food stamp-using motherfucker. The president is a black man now, you cracker son of a bitch. Why don't you move your ass back to Belgium or whatever shithole your people came from you Indian-raping, slave-taking, natural-resource-squandering cocksucker?"
Now I know why Kristen Stewart always looks like she's stoned - it's cause she's always stoned. I suppose being the new It Girl is pretty stressful and we shouldn't begrudge Kristen the odd pull on the old pipe. She needs to put some shoes on though. That bare feet stuff is just plain gross.
Pete Wentz walks up and down the street with a microphone telling everyone he has a baby. "Hey everybody! Guess what? I have a baby! I put my penis in my woman's vagina and before you knew it...poof!" Where's a sword-wielding nut when you need one? Nice shoes by the way. I once puked that color after eating way too many Nerds.
He doesn't get it from us. He must get it from his daddy. I say it, but not around my kids.
Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).
This dude - Mario Majorski - was shot to death by a security guard at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood after whipping out a couple Samurai swords and waving them around like a nut. I'm guessing he had some kind of beef with the Scios? We know he wasn't a member of Anonymous - none of those mouth-breathing twats would have the guts to throw down on gun-wielding security guards. By the way, the LA police are investigating whether the security guard was licensed to have a gun. I'm shocked he didn't have some kind of laser beam or nuclear-powered annihilator. These are Scientologists. I thought they had cool stuff. I guess they keep that hidden away in a closet some place. They only whip it out when one of the big-wigs is having a party. Tom especially loves the atomic anal penetrator. Gosh, it's lucky the freak with the swords didn't hurt any Scientology celebrities at the Scientology Celebrity Centre. That would've been awful(ly hilarious).
Suri has begun wearing the giant glasses. Soon she will have absorbed all of Katie's traits, and then she will be Katie. But who will Katie be? Answer: All of us.
This reminds me of the night I caught Santa in bed with my mom. I heard a funny noise and went down the hall and pushed the door open and...God, the sounds. Santa's red cheeks and his giant penis suddenly lunging at me like a fencer's foil. I've had a thing for pirate movies ever since then. My mom acted really funny at breakfast the next morning. There were no cigarette butts floating in my Cheerios for once and my brother had on matching socks. We went down that afternoon to see Santa at the department store, and my mom seemed nervous the whole way. She ran four red lights. She kept humming "Silent Night" under her breath. We got to the department store but Santa wasn't there. He'd had a heart attack and been hauled away in an ambulance. His female elf was sitting in for him, but I refused to get up in her lap. My mom started talking to the elf, then suddenly slapped her. I think her name was Eileen.
Nicole Kidman says she wants her daughter Friday Rhododendron to speak like a redneck when she grows up. "I hope she has a Southern accent," Kidman told the Nashville Tennesseean in an interview. And busted teeth and freaky eyes - so she can have her own Disney show. Keith needs to get working on his mullet. And I'd book the vaguely suggestive Vanity Fair photoshoot at least five years in advance. Wouldn't want Jamie Lynn Spears's kid beating you to the hillbilly jailbait finish line, would you?
Amy Winehouse's marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil is beyond being on the rocks - it is completely over, according to Amy herself. "There’s no way back for us now," Amy said. "It was never going to last. We were only together for sex.
Tom Cruise told Entertainment Tonight that Suri absolutely refuses to wear pants. "Kate finally got her in jeans the other day," Tom said. "We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on." She wants to make herself pretty so she can find a man and get the fuck out away from you, Tom. Hello? Earth to Xenu-boy!
This is Twilight's Robert Pattinson going in to bite Tyra Banks's neck. Tyra dared him to I guess. He's braver than I am. I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere near that stanky ho. Tyra is clearly excited though. This is the most action she's gotten in ages.
Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson showed up for some big grand opening in Dubai. Aren't lesbians against the law there? I don't know. Apparently, Sam doesn't get the concept of formal attire. Guns 'n' Roses? Silver sneakers? That face? Lindsay looks, um...well, she's a disaster at this point. 40 miles of bad road doesn't apply anymore. The place that fits Lindsay doesn't even have roads.
The New York Times has a huge expose claiming Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt forced People magazine to promise them good coverage in exchange for the privilege of publishing the first pictures of their twins Knox and Vivienne. Oh, and the mag had to cough up $14 million too. People denies the charges - about the promising good coverage thing, not the money. “Like any news organization, People does purchase photos, but the magazine does not determine editorial content based on the demands of outside parties," said a spokesperson. Yeah right, People people - pull the other one, eh? Everyone knows you fuckers all get in bed with stars. It doesn't really shock us. How else you gonna get access? It's the way the game is played. But don't play it that way then expect us to buy your little innocent act. We ain't naive. You people have no ethics. Neither do I, but at least I admit it.
Jessica Biel should stop waxing her lip. Then she could get on the hat-and-stache bandwagon. I know - Justin doesn't like the way it tickles. Sucks to be him. You can't let your bitch run your life like that. If you wanna go full Billy Dee Williams, then you should just do it. Don't be going all bearded on us though Jess. You may be half-Sasquatch but that doesn't mean you have to advertise.
What do we think of Gerard Butler and Mary-Kate Olsen? Good couple? She's hanging off him like some kind of scraggly, pasty-white monkey. I'm guessing Gerard doesn't think of Mary-Kate as girlfriend material. She's good for a fuck and to score some drugs from. Just ask Heath. Er...yeah, you know what I mean.
Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.
