Courtney Love Wears Yet Another Bikini

Courtney Love has apparently decided that traipsing around Hawaii in a succession of bikinis is the best way to show off her new, allegedly hot body. Well, I think it's time somebody talked Courtney off the ledge. Cause she's not really making us think she's sexy - she's actually making us puke inside our mouths. If you have children, please don't let them see this close-up of Courtney's mid-section, which appears to be in an advanced state of mummification:



I don't even want to know what kind of surgical procedures you have to undergo in order to end up with stuff like that. Fuck, even Tara Reid thinks that's gross.



"Polly wanna crackho?"

Britney Goes To Basketball Game, Wears Silly Hat And Wig Combo, Shows Whitened Choppers

Britney Spears heads to a basketball game in L.A. Isn't it nice that Britney doesn't have to be afraid to smile now? Yup, she's gotten her teeth whitened. So everything's okay now, right Britney? Got those pearly-white choppers going, and the blonde wig and the stupid hat like something my cat-murdering uncle with the pencil-line moustache would've worn. Oh, and the drugs - can't forget the drugs.

Lindsay Does Her Best Ashlee Simpson

Hey, Ashlee Simpson - Lindsay Lohan is ripping off your act. See? She's doing that no-eye-contact move. And, frankly, her face is starting to look as fake as yours. God, what member of the animal kingdom is Lindsay trying to imitate with those lips? The pussy-mouthed Ugandan tree-sloth?



Dang, those must've been some good mushrooms.



At first glance, I thought that was Elisha Cuthbert sitting there. Wow, I was thinking, Lindsay stole Paris's friend. Paris is going to be so pissed. But, it's not Elisha. And Lindsay - yup, she looks like she's about ready to hurl. Oh, the life of a starlet, so fraught with peril, so fueled with booze and dope, so spattered with vomit.

Paris Takes Her New Boobs Out Partying

Paris Hilton and her boobs hit Parc in Hollywood. Paris doesn't seem too concerned about going to jail, does she? Maybe it's because she knows there's no way in hell she'll ever do time. Her rich family will buy off whoever they need to buy off, and Paris will be free to menace society in her own special way. What a country.

The Truth About Heather

Dianna Karmal, the sister of Heather Mills's former husband Alfie, is bravely coming forth to reveal the truth about her ex-sister-in-law, whom she characterizes as a low-class, mendacious attention-junkie with a propensity to leave chaos in her wake. Mills, according to Karmal, is nothing but a manipulative charlatan, who used her brother Alfie to climb the social ladder, then abandoned him once he was no longer useful. Here's what Karmal says about Mills' current incarnation, and about the influence of her brother on the former whore:

She's trying to be a cross between Mother Teresa and Princess Diana, but that's not the Heather I know. ... When my brother Alfie married her in 1989 he changed her from an overweight, bleached blonde into what you see today. He paid for her boob job, a nose job and liposuction all over her body. ... He taught her how to dress. He was besotted with her and made her what she is, but what he created - in my opinion - was a Frankenstein's monster.

A Frankenstein's monster who, reportedly, once fucked rich Arab men for money, and went out with a Lebanese billionaire at the same time she was trying to rope in poor Alfie.

Also included amongst Dianna's recollections of Heather are tales of Mills's horrific temper, which led her to physically assault Alfie. And this is the same woman who claimed she was a victim of Paul McCartney's abuse for years but never struck back? Dianna claims Heather is a "liar and a fantasist" - and was threatened with legal action by Mills's lawyers if she didn't shut her mouth. But Dianna hasn't clammed up. She is bent on exposing the truth behind Mills's phony image - and that includes taking fierce animal-rights activist Mills to task for her insistence that a fur-coat she was once photographed wearing was donned in honor of her mother, and meant nothing to her personally. Says Dianna:

She loved that mink coat. ... Heather claimed on her website that she only wore the coat in memory of her mother who'd just died, but Beatrice Mills died in February 1989 and the wedding was in September 1989. When I pointed this out to her lawyers by e-mail, Heather's explanation suddenly disappeared from her website.

And there are more stories of Heather's younger days - like when she was 16 and working as a cocktail waitress at a nightclub. Dianna recalls:

Heather was very coquettish with men, but with women she was extremely stand-offish. ... She used to wear a tiny beige leather mini skirt and a small top which barely covered her breasts. She would even wear her club clothes to walk down the street. ... She loved male attention. Once, for Valentine's Day, she and her flatmate shaved their pubic hair in the shape of a heart and dyed it bright red. That night they were walking round the club showing people. I couldn't believe my eyes.

And Heather's slutty taste didn't improve right away after meeting Alfie. In fact, the first time Alfie took her home to meet his staunchly conservative parents, Heather's clothing choices made for quite a scene. Says Dianna:

Our mother is very traditional, and yet Heather turned up in a mini-skirt, high heels, her breasts spilling out of her crop top and scarf tied as a huge bow in her hair. ... My mother took one look at her and said to Alfie in Greek: "What have you brought round to my house?" Alfie was furious and replied in Greek: "You watch me. I'm going to turn her into the biggest model and I'm going to manage her." To which my mother said: "Good luck."

Poor Alfie had been roped in by Heather's charms. But because Alfie was still going through a divorce, Heather was not able to move in with him - so she had to live with Dianna and her husband for six months. Recalls Dianna:

She turned up with two black bin-liners full of clothes and she didn't have a single daytime outfit in them. They were all nightclub clothes. ... She used to wake up late and then wander round in a dressing gown doing nothing. She could devour a whole box of cereal with a pint of milk and a whole box of biscuits would disappear with a cup of tea. She'd given up the nightclub because Alfie didn't like her working there, so her whole day was nothing but grooming, grooming, grooming. ... Her life revolved around tanning sessions, waxing, going to the gym, doing her hair and painting her nails. I never once saw her pick up a book to read or listen to music. She got a few jobs, but they never lasted. She did a couple of weeks in a sunbed centre, then a bit of cleaning. ... I used to invite her out now and again with me and my friends, but after one incident when she regaled them with tales about how she had her first orgasm in a swimming pool they begged me not to invite her again.

And Heather showed her tendency to invent lies about herself as well. Says Dianna:

One Sunday lunch at my parents' home she was talking about all these A-levels she passed and how she managed a restaurant and I said: "Heather you are only 18, how can you have done all this?" She jumped down my throat. ... She has a terrible temper when you challenge her, but I kept on asking her which college she went to, which subjects her A-levels were in and she just couldn't answer. That's because she left school with no qualifications.

Yes, Heather was a pathological liar and an ignoramus - but this didn't stop her from making a good living. With Alfie's help she launched a modelling career, but her "modelling" soon led her into other activities, like posing for a German sex manual, and more things that remained a secret even to her husband. Says Dianna of Heather's shady activities:

I would sometimes go shopping with Heather at Brent Cross and her handbag would be stuffed with thousands of pounds in cash. She'd tell me it was from some modelling assignment, but reputable agencies don't pay in cash. ... I thought she must have some rich boyfriend, but I didn't know the half of it.

Indeed, Heather did have a boyfriend, and he was rich. His name was George Kazan and he was an Arab businessman. He financed Heather's high-flying lifestyle. Yet Alfie was so smitten with Heather that he refused to see the truth. And Heather helped keep him in the dark by concocting lies. Dianna remembers one occasion when Heather bent the truth, and the otherwise-gullible Alfie found out about it:

Once she was meant to be meeting Alfie after work, but was late because she'd met up with some friends for a drink instead. ... She came out with some elaborate story about how her car had been clamped and towed away, but when Alfie checked with the company he discovered she'd made it all up. ... When confronted with the truth she would fly off the handle and run away, simply disappear for a few days. Alfie would going out of his mind with worry and be so relieved when she returned that he'd let the matter drop.

And that became the pattern of their relationship - Heather lied and acted like a bitch, Alfie forgave her. Once, Alfie decided to surprise Heather at the airport as she was returning from a "modelling" gig, and rather than be grateful and happy Heather snapped at her love-sick beau, screaming, "Just fuck off, I don't want to to talk to you ever again, just fuck off." But despite these episodes, Alfie was always ready to let her off the hook. This came in handy for Heather when Kazan finally broke off their relationship, leaving her without a sugar-daddy. Suddenly broke and homeless, Heather ran back to Alfie, and began pursuing him with gusto. Says Dianna:

She kept turning up at his offices with expensive gifts and one day she presented him with a gold wedding band and asked him to marry her. He refused, unless she agreed to have counselling for her compulsive lying. ... Alfie went to see the psychiatrist who explained that because of her abused childhood, he should make allowances for her behaviour. So he did, probably too many. When they announced their marriage everyone gave them 18 months at most.

Right from the beginning, Dianna knew the marriage was a sham. She says:

I'll never forget Alfie standing up at the wedding and making this speech about how much he loved Heather and how he was the luckiest man in the world and she just sat there smirking. I don't believe she ever really loved him. ... Not long after the wedding I witnessed a horrible row at my house over something trivial Alfie had said. She flew at him and tried to hit him round the head. He blocked the blows with his arms and was pleading "please Heather, not in front of Dianna", but she didn't care who saw. ... It wasn't long before Alfie stopped coming to see the family. ... I saw him cry many times during their relationship, but I never once saw Heather cry.

Knowing what a manipulative, lying, scheming monster Heather Mills is has caused Dianna Karmal to sympathize with another of the one-legged beasts's victims, Paul McCartney. Says Dianna:

I feel sorry for Paul McCartney. He was vulnerable after his wife Linda's death and Heather must have seemed the perfect replacement, but she is a chameleon.

Indeed. And now Heather, thanks to Dancing With the Stars, is transforming herself again, into a sympathetic media darling. Not everyone is fooled.

(source)

Jennifer Aniston Has A Man

Jennifer Aniston may have finally found someone to fill the empty space in her soul left by the loss of Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn. No, she hasn't bought herself a new dog, and no she hasn't got a twenty-year-old Filipino living in her basement - she actually has herself a boyfriend. Maybe. She was seen dining with a guy at Il Sole on the Sunset Strip recently, anyway. And the guy turned out to be a producer named Ryan Kavanaugh, and the two reportedly snuck out the back door together. See? So it's not true that no one will have sex with Jennifer Aniston. At least one man will. And one man's enough for any woman (except Sienna Miller).

(source)

Nicole Richie Is A Flithead

Nicole Richie now wants to be taken seriously as a style-mogul, like Poshy or the Olsen Twins. The dizzy bitch has announced that she's "working on" a style-book - translation: she's hired someone to work on a style-book - and that she will be launching her own jewelry and accessories line, a line of sunglasses and another of perfume. The one thing dumb-ass Nicole hasn't announced is a cookbook - because there are only so many ways to cook a single raisin wrapped in a noodle.

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Courtney Love's Plastic Surgery Reversal

Courtney Love has done the unthinkable - she's had a nose-job to make herself purposely more ugly. Of course Courtney uses the euphemism "natural" in place of "ugly." Well, I'll just let her explain herself, via her blog:

I have my old nose back. I hated that nosejobby nose, it was like a little beak. I've had my nose fixed. It looks like the one God gave me so I'm happy not to have crazy lips and a crazy teensy unnatural little nose. All I care about is that my self-esteem is limitless and intact, and that nothing and no situation affects my self-esteem.

Yes Courtney - we're quite convinced of your well-being, and the limitlessness of your self-esteem. Your need to constantly undergo radical cosmetic surgery proves that you are perfectly happy with yourself. And wow, all that weight you've lost - 45 pounds. Great job, Courtney. Now you no longer look like a corpse that was fished out of the East River after a week. You're smoking-hot again Courtney, just like back in the good old days when you weren't a husband-murderer. Yup, I think you've really nailed it this time Courtney - I think you should definitely stick with this look. For a few months at least. You know, until your vast self-esteem convinces you to lop the new nose off and replace it with an elephant's trunk.

(By the way - I have no idea if the above picture is Courtney before or after this latest procedure. And since she's probably already had the new nose taken off by this time, I don't see how it really matters.)

(source)

Paris Bound For The Slammer?

Paris Hilton is facing possible jail-time after L.A. city prosecutors announced they will ask a judge to revoke her probation in a reckless driving case. Hilton, you may recall, had the probation slapped on her last year after a DUI arrest, and also had her license suspended. But earlier this year, Paris was pulled over for driving at night without headlights on, and was of course nailed for operating a vehicle with a suspended license. Dumb-ass Paris insisted she was unaware of the suspension, as did her paid monkey Elliot Mintz. But Nick Velasquez, a spokesman for the city attorney's office, said there is "sufficient evidence to prove that [Paris's] license was suspended and that she had knowledge of that suspension." If found guilty of violating her probation, Paris could be sent to jail for 90 days.

What stuns me about this story is the arrogance of Paris Hilton and Elliot Mintz - trying to play that "she didn't know her license was suspended" card, as if anyone would really buy that. Is that how stupid they honestly think we are? Did they really think the city attorney would just accept that as an explanation and not investigate? Why, because she's Paris Hilton? Oh, her family's rich, so that makes her trustworthy. If she says she didn't know the license was suspended, then she must not have known. How could you doubt the word of an upstanding citizen like Paris? Throw the book at the bitch, I say - chuck her in the slammer for 90 days, and make it be some kind of hard-ass place, not some cushy Martha Stewart retreat where everyone sits around knitting afghans and watching Oprah. Put Paris in a cell with some big bull dyke with tears tattooed on her face and a shiv hidden under her mattress. You can bet Paris will mouth off to the bitch at some point, and where do you think that shiv will end up? That's the only fitting punishment for this waste of organs. Cause if she survives prison, well, then she'll just turn it into a triumph over adversity, and have someone write a book and go around like she's overcome something. In a few years it will be like it never happened. No, if she goes into jail, she has to never come out. That's the only just thing.

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John Travolta Has The Global Warming Thing All Figured

Fat homosexual actor John Travolta has the perfect solution to the global-warming crisis - leave our damaged earth and colonize another planet. Great plan John! Uh...how?

Oh, John doesn't deal in those little technicalities - he's the visionary; it's up to some little guys with coke-bottle glasses to fill in the details. Anyway, here's what John says about his ingenious mass emigration scheme:

I think that everyone can do their bit, but I'm wondering if we have to start thinking about other planets and also domed cities, because I don't know if there's a way to repair these holes in the sky.

Other planets and domed cities. Yes, John. Because life is just like an L. Ron Hubbard novel. Somebody will design some kind of crazy exotic propulsion system one of these days - I don't know, maybe one that runs on pure stupidity - and we'll all use the thing to fly off to some distant star where there's a nice, ready-made earth we can claim as our own, and build cities of Buckminster Fuller dome-houses on. And I suppose everyone on this new world will believe in Scientology too? Of course they will - what else would they believe? Why do you need anything else when you have Scientology? Rational thought? Bah. That's for dunderheads. The real answers to our problems all lie in a philosophy concocted by a second-rate science-fiction writer as a means of justifying his misogyny and venting his delusions of god-like grandeur. God, John - what would we do without brilliant minds like yours to guide us? We'd all be lost, that's for sure.

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Britney's Dentist Admits To Tooth Whitening

The controversy over whether Britney was receiving treatment for a painful molar or getting her teeth whitened at Century City Medical Plaza the last few days has been resolved - by Britney's dentist himself. Said famed tooth-man Dr. Bill Dorfman:

C'mon give the kid a break! Just let her whiten her teeth. Britney came in here on Sunday. She had a tooth she wanted me to check. Unfortunately her driver accidentally went to the emergency room in Century City instead of my office. It's right in front. We checked her teeth. We did Zoom whitening. Everybody in Hollywood whitens their teeth.

What's the big deal about tooth whitening? I don't know Dr. Dorfman - why don't you ask Britney. She was the one who caused it to become a big deal by having her people lie about it. She gave photographers the run-around by making her driver take her to the emergency room with the obvious intention of making it look like there was something else going on. So, if it's no big deal, why not just admit it? It's bizarre to me that, of all the things Britney has to be ashamed of, some discoloration of her teeth is the one thing her mind has seized upon as actually being worth hiding. She'll flash her cooch for anyone with a Nikon, but damned if she's going to let us get a load of her nasty choppers. Jesus - the dumb bitch can't even figure out when to lie and when not to lie. Who's running her anyway? That fucking retard Larry Rudolph? No wonder her career's in the tank.

Britney, honey, do yourself a favor - fire these people. They are stupid. They can't even lie well. You will never have a comeback, ever, until you get some folks on your side who have a clue what they're doing.

(source)

Beckham Eyes Up Woman In Front Of Posh

David Beckham has eyes for someone other than his wife. At the restaurant Nobu the other night, Beckham reportedly ignored Poshy, and spent the evening gawking at model/writer Kelly Killoren Bensimon who was at another table. This naturally did not sit well with the Posh one who, tired of other diners' comments about David's straying eyes, finally got up and left.

Poor Posh - having to suffer the indignity of her man staring at other women right in front of her. Then again, it's not like everyone doesn't already know how fuck-happy David is. To be honest, Posh is lucky David didn't jump that Bensimon chick right there in the restaurant. Now that would've been embarrassing (not to mention messy).

(source)

Beckham's Nazi Hair

This is David Beckham's new hair-cut. First of all, it makes his head appear egg-shaped. Second of all, he looks like he should be leading a Panzer Division into Minsk. Third of all - he's still dreamy.

Nicolas Cage May Have A Load In His Pants

Nicolas Cage clowns around while on a break from shooting National Treasure 2. At least, I think he's clowning around. It's also possible that he's filling his pants. "Oh baby, I need a diaper change. Woo that was a stinky one."

I apologize to everyone for that bit. But, it's a slow day.

Kelly Clarkson Is Trying To Kill Herself With Skin Cancer

Kelly Clarkson might want to consider sunscreen. Cause it starts out as just a burn, but before you know it:



No one wants their American Idols looking like an apple that's been laying on the ground for a month, Kelly.

Bono Receives Honorary Knighthood

Singer Bono has received an honorary British knighthood, in recognition of his outstanding contribution to music and remarkable humanitarian work. Hmm, I wonder why Bono hasn't adopted any African kids. Oh that's right - he likes screwing his wife. Plus he'd rather try to help lots of people than pick out a few particularly good-looking ones to have his picture taken with. Unlike some people we know.

Michelle Trachtenberg Gets Her Hair Done

Michelle Trachtenberg saunters into or out of a Beverly Hills hair salon. Psst, Michelle...Alberto Gonzalez is totally checking you out, hon. Play your cards right and he might slip you a subpoena. And by "subpoena" I mean big, throbbing Mexican cock.

Sean Combs Addicted To Snoop Dogg

Sean Combs is a sad man. Sad because Snoop Dogg got kicked out of the U.K. forever, leaving Combs to tear up the country all by himself. Says Combs:

I am going through Snoop withdrawal right now. I miss him a lot.

Snoop withdrawal? What's with that? Snoop possesses such a weedy, potty redolence that you literally go through withdrawal when you're not around him? That is one high brother, that Snoop. That dude can probably get people stoned by osmosis.

(source)

The Truth About Britney's "Toothaches"

The fools at TMZ, who have obviously been paid off, keep trying to convince us that Britney Spears's recent spate of "hospital" visits have been related to a bad molar. But the truth is that, far from being in any kind of pain except perhaps psychological, Britney has really been visiting the dentist to receive Zoom! whitening, and her manager Larry Rudolph has simply been lying about it.

So let me get this straight - Britney's getting her teeth whitened, but is so worried about people knowing that she's had her manager concoct this whole "molar" lie. Now think about this for a second people. This woman, in the past few months, has flashed her poon for cameras, passed out drunk in front of whole crowds of people, shaved her head in full view of cameras and attacked an SUV with an umbrella - but the thing she's ashamed about is having her teeth whitened. She literally lets everything else hang out for everyone to see, but damned if she's going to let on that her teeth are a little yellow. Oh my God - this chick is so gone.

By the way, tooth whitening isn't the only thing Britney has been indulging in lately. According to sources, Britney has gotten herself a bunch more tattoos since leaving rehab, and is currently hankering for the ultimate in complex-ridden eternal-little-girl bodyart: angel wings on her back. Oh Britney, do you really want to reduce yourself to the level of every angst-ridden 18-year-old on MySpace? Yes, I guess you do, don't you?

(source)

Mary-Kate And Ashley Ready For New Noses

Media moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are in the market for new noses, reports MSNBC's Jeanette Walls. The twins, who've become steadily more freakish and vampire-like since their days as adorable TV stars, have both consulted Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Raj Canodia about having their proboscises snipped, and are set to go ahead with the procedures. Said a friend of the girls:

Ashley has always thought her nose was a little too big, so she wanted to get it done. When she talked to her sister about it, she loved the idea.

Ah - so that's what the Olsen Twins talk about when they're not wandering the streets like undead Stevie Nickses. They discuss their noses. I was thinking it was either that or the works of Kant.

Seriously though, if I'm close to the Olsen Twins - perish the thought - I'm taking this nose-job talk as a serious warning sign. I mean, these chicks fit the classic profile of the Michael Jackson-like freak - childhood fame, increasing isolation from reality, the need to be in a constant state of physical flux. What are these two going to look like in five years or ten? Are their noses going to be dropping off without warning? Will they be dressing their kids in burqas? Will they live in their own private amusement park that's finally raided by police searching for evidence of bizarre sexual activity? Has all this stuff happened already and we don't even know it?

(Yes, I realize they've both already had nose-jobs.)

(source)

E! Channel Bomb Threat - TMZ's Hilariously Breathless Reporting

TMZ may be the most idiotic news-gathering organization on the face of the earth. Seriously. Even more insipid than Fox News.

This propensity of TMZ's to report breathlessly on completely irrelevant and lame stuff - are they joking with this shit? Like the other night when they threw up a "Breaking News" graphic for the story about Britney Spears having a toothache. I swear to you, there was a comedian who used to do a bit about MTV News, where he would made some joke about them reporting that Madonna had a headache. That seemed outlandish at the time. But TMZ has managed to make that absurdity real. That's when you know things are sliding downhill - when the satirists can't keep up with the real thing.

Now, TMZ has surpassed itself. This afternoon they reported on a bomb-threat being phoned in to the E! Channel, and the staff being evacuated. Okay, fine - that's newsworthy. Any terrorist threat is, bogus or not. Whether it's a legitimate story is not what's at issue - it's the way their cretinous writers handled it. Here's that bit of world-class reporting in its entirety:

TMZ has learned that just moments ago, "E! News" host Giuliana DePandi and a slew of other E! Entertainment Television employees were evacuated from their Los Angeles office building after a "bomb threat" was phoned into security.

Sources tell TMZ that two threatening phone calls were made from two different overseas locations.

We're told that Ryan Seacrest was not in the building at the time of the evacuation. Police sources tell TMZ that a security guard on scene reported the threats, and LAPD is currently at the location.

The EMI-Capitol Music Company and the G4 Network are also occupants of the building. The structure was used as the D&D Ad Agency in "Melrose Place."

A source tells us that occupants of the building are being told that they will be kept out for at least an hour.

UPDATE: We're told that people are finally being let back inside the building.

All right Crabbie, you may be saying. What exactly is your beef with that story? I'll tell you my beef. The third line. "We're told that Ryan Seacrest was not in the building at the time of the evacuation." This piece of information the TMZ people thought to especially emphasize. Employees of E! have been threatened by a possible mad-bomber, but oh my God, thankfully Ryan Seacrest wasn't in the building. Cause that's the real concern here. Who cares if they blow up a whole fricking building, as long as Ryan Seacrest is okay? And these assholes expect me to take them seriously as reporters? What a farce.

TMZ - you should be ashamed of yourselves. But I know you're not.

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Forgive Me, But Here Are Pictures Of Courtney Love In A Bikini

This is Courtney Love on a beach in Hawaii. For the first time in my life I'm actually thankful for those big stupid-looking fly-face sunglasses, cause I think they may actually have somewhat ameliorated Courtney's surgically-achieved hideousness. But not entirely. There's still the scrawny junkie-body and the horrid hair and the revolting catfish lips. Hey, am I the only one who thinks that pic looks like Sienna Miller in about ten years?

Pax Thien Kidnap Plot

Angelina Jolie's newly-adopted son Pax Thien was recently the target of a kidnap plot, Life & Style magazine is reporting. According to sources, young Pax was meant to be snatched just as he and Angelina were arriving in the U.S. from Vietnam, by an organization described as a "deadly gang" of "highly-skilled operatives with little regard for human life." Thankfully, British security sources learned about the scheme, which involved ransoming Pax off for $100 million, and alerted Angelina and non-husband Brad Pitt's bodyguards. Sources say that Angelina sobbed when Brad told her about the plot, and said she'd die if anything happened to Pax. Reps for Pitt are denying the story.

And what was that about Pax being better off with Angelina? Cripes, the little guy was safer with his heroin-addict mother. At least then he didn't have "highly-skilled operatives with little regard for human life" trying to abduct him. Actually, come to think of it, the poor guy already has been abducted hasn't he? I mean, considering the way Angelina skirted the law to get him in the first place, you could almost characterize the adoption as a kidnapping. And in a way, hasn't he already been ransomed? Brad and Angie did get a couple million bucks for his pictures didn't they? Couldn't it be said that Pax is being held hostage even as we speak? So what if Angelina bought him a Gameboy and a bunch of cookies to eat in front of drooling sad-faced little Shiloh - just cause you're nice to the victim doesn't mean you're not a kidnapper. Actually, being nice to them makes you worse, because you're fooling them into liking you. Soon Pax won't even remember his life before being abducted by Angelina - he'll think he was always this American kid with the cool toys and the snazzy clothes and the malnourished little white sister. Then Angelina's insidious re-programming scheme will be complete. The bitch.

(By the way, look at the kid in the picture up there, the one with the huge, misshapen, Perper-like cranium. Why the hell didn't Jolie adopt that kid? Oh, I know - cause he's funny-looking. Check out Maddox, Zahara and Pax - all pretty attractive kids. Yup, Angelina's definitely choosing them based on looks. Can't be seen lugging any monstrous little fiends around. Only future underwear models for Angelina. Miss Deep As A River 2007.)

(source)

Nazi Officer's Descendants Don't Want Cruise Playing Their Ancestor

The descendants of would-be Hitler assassin Claus Schenk Graf Von Stauffenberg are cheesed at the casting of Tom Cruise as their famed ancestor in the forthcoming film Valkyrie - because they're afraid the film will be used as a tool to promote Cruise's Scientology beliefs. Said Stauffenberg's grandson Count Caspar:

I have nothing against [Cruise] and can even separate his work from his beliefs in Scientology. But I and other family members are worried that the picture will be financed by the sect and be used to get across its propaganda. Unfortunately the family Stauffenberg can do nothing about this. My grandfather is a figure from history.

All right, I need something explained to me by Count Caspar - how in the hell is Tom Cruise supposed to manage to shoehorn his Scientology beliefs into a movie about a guy trying to blow up Hitler with a suitcase bomb? The story is what it is - Stauffenberg and his co-conspirators cooked up the scheme to kill Hitler in a meeting, Stauffenberg planted the bomb under the table and ran for it, the bomb exploded but the heavy wooden table shielded Hitler from the blast, they caught Stauffenberg and he was executed. Um, and where do the aliens and volcanos come in? What, is Cruise having the part of Stauffenberg re-written so he can go off on crazy rants against anti-depressants? Is there a scene where Stauffenberg tells Hitler that Narcanon can help him with his amphetamine addiction? Does he try to get Goering into fat-camp? Is there some little strudel-making missy in the picture whom Stauffenberg brainwashes, marries and impregnates? Is Posh Spice going to be playing Magda Goebbels? Count Caspar - a little hungry for publicity are we? Pissed that Zsa Zsa's husband came up with the whole I Knocked-Up Anna Nicole scam before you? Why don't you try stuffing it, Count Caspar? You and your family are such a bunch of losers. Your grandfather - what a putz. Plants the bomb and doesn't even kill Hitler. He was right freaking there. Just stick a knife in him. Dope.

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Did Rejection Really Kill Anna Nicole?

The autopsy findings indicate that Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose, but the real culprit behind her untimely demise may have been a crushing rejection. According to Gatecrasher's Ben Widdicome, Anna, just months before her death, had her heart set on playing her idol Marilyn Monroe in a movie about Marilyn's one-time husband Joe DiMaggio. So keen was Anna for the role that she was even willing to put up some of the money to get the movie off the ground. But, producers told Anna that she wasn't "ready" for the part, and behind the scenes, there were worries that Smith's involvement would make it hard for them to cast a big-name actor in the lead.

Now, let me get this straight - they didn't want to cast Anna because she wasn't "ready" for the part? Who in hell was ever more ready to play the role of a drug-addled sex-kitten than Anna Nicole Smith? She was born for that part. I don't care what anyone says, the producers of that DiMaggio pic have blood on their hands. As far as I'm concerned they murdered Anna Nicole - with help from Howard K. Stern of course. You know, he gave her the actual drugs, they just nudged her closer to the edge by crushing her little dream. All a bunch of freaking murderers - and none of them ever really understood her either. She had an empty hole in her soul that no substance was strong enough to fill. Even Trimspa couldn't fill it. Maybe playing Marilyn could've - and just think, what if Anna had rocked in the role? What if she had won herself an award? Maybe she would still be with us today. Woozy and incoherent, but still with us.

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Rose McGowan's Dress Demand

Rose McGowan had one simple request for her female Grindhouse co-stars before the pulp movie's big premiere in L.A. - don't show up in red, because I'm wearing red, and if you show up in red I'll probably have to bite your ear off.

I'm guessing old Rose doesn't have too many friends among the other stars of Grindhouse. In fact, according to Page 6's spy, her co-stars were indeed irked at her ballsy demand. Said the source:

It caused quite a stir. The feeling is she's self-obsessed.

A self-obsessed movie-star? No way.

And by the way, Rose wasn't the only one wearing red at the premiere. A couple of minor players, Elisa and Electra Avellan, donned crimson in apparent open defiance of Rose's dictum. What, do those chicks want all their hair pulled out?

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Lindsay Lohan Tells Her Old Man To Get Lost

We don't have to wonder anymore how Lindsay Lohan feels about her recently unjailed father Michael, and neither does he - Lindsay has let him, and us, know in no uncertain terms that she wants nothing to do with him. The big confrontation, which must've been brewing ever since Michael's release from the slammer a couple of weeks ago, finally took place by phone. Lindsay called her father up, and rather than tearfully trying to reconcile with him, she told him, "You still haven't changed. Don't go near my mother ever again."

Ooh, that one had to hurt. Especially given the now bible-thumping Michael's desire to patch things up with his family. Or, maybe it didn't hurt. In typical Lohan fashion, Michael may in fact be in total denial about his daughter's repudiation. Michael, you see, has himself convinced that the real problem is Lindsay's uncle Paul Sullivan, a brother of Dina's. Michael, good and true paranoid maniac that he is, thinks Paul somehow framed him, getting him sent to prison. He's apparently convinced that Paul has been telling lies to Dina and Lindsay, and now that Paul himself is about to go to jail for mail fraud (nice freaking family), Michael thinks he will be able to talk his daughter back over to his side.

I don't know what y'all think, but for my money, the Lohan family drama beats any soap opera ever written hands down. I mean, what a bunch of delusional wack-jobs. Not a single one of them has the slightest relationship with reality whatsoever. Their entire existence is some kind of neurotic concoction. And just imagine being poor Lindsay - having to choose between your jailbird father and slut-hag mother. What a choice! Neither one of them is worth the powder to blow them to hell. If Lindsay had any sense she'd tell both of them to go take a long walk off a short pier. But, for the time being at least, she seems to have sided with Dina. And why not? Dina does nothing but enable her. Lindsay is clearly back on the sauce again, and where's Dina? Running around making inane comments to every magazine silly enough to give her a few lines. And Michael - yeesh, what a piece of work. Pitching crazy reality show ideas while quoting scripture. Yes, Michael the jailhouse convert. Gee, ain't that convenient? God, how long will it be before this piece of shit is back in the slammer? I don't know - what time is it?

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Sienna Miller Parties With Sean Combs

Maybe they're not having a fling, but Sienna Miller and Sean Combs at least seem to enjoy each other's company. The actress and the rapper, who were rumored to have had something going on in New York a few months ago, got together again last night at the Paper club in London - but this time it was only for partying, and this time Sienna had her boyfriend Jamie Burke with her.

So now someone will have to explain this to me - why in hell does every A-lister in Britain find it necessary to be seen hanging out with Sean Combs? First it was Poshy and Becks, and now it's Sienna. What strange hold does this simpleton have on the British mind anyway? As near as I can tell, the man is little more than a rich degenerate. All right, so maybe his parties are fun - what, Brits can't throw their own fun parties? Come on, you mean to tell me Sienna, Poshy and Becks couldn't cook up a wild time together? Of course they could. Especially if they invited William and Harry, and let them run around groping all the fake boobs (except Poshy's, unless she wanted them to, which she probably would). I'm sorry, I just don't get the appeal of these rappers. Do people think being around them will give them street-cred? Wow, I'm so ghetto - I hung out with Sean Combs. Cripes, Sean Combs is ghetto? In his Bentley with his gold Rolex dangling out the window? Guy's a rich douchebag. If he ever met up with any real ghetto-thugs he'd probably curl up in a ball and cry for daddy to come save him. And they'd probably kick his ass too, just for being such a sissy. Damn - and British people are supposed to be so much smarter too. Guess we can throw that one out the window.

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Katie And Posh To Launch Line Of Children's Clothing

Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham are the closest of friends, and soon they're going to be business partners as well - when they launch their own line of children's clothing. Yes, Poshy and Zombiegirl have decided to join forces and conquer the world of kiddie-fashion. The whole idea came about because of some sketches Katie did of a first-birthday dress she wanted made for Suri. Poshy apparently saw the sketches, and decided that she and Katie could combine their talents and come up with some great designs. Voila - a joint business venture, sure to ruin their friendship completely.

Just kidding, of course - I'm positive that with Poshy's experience in the fashion world and Katie's opposable thumbs, which make it easy for her to hold a pencil, they will soon be at the top of the kiddie-couture world. And if not then Tom will just have to have some Scientology thugs go around beating up people for not buying the stuff. Either way, they'll still have each other - and their matching blank expressions.

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Kiki Moves In With Rocker Boyfriend

"Lovesick" Kirsten Dunst has moved to London to live with her boyfriend, Razorlight frontman Johnny Borrell. Kiki, who was in Austin with Johnny for the big music festival, reportedly became lonely for her man after he and the band left America, so she decided to pull up stakes and join him on the other side of the pond. A friend says Kiki has been following Johnny around like a "lovesick puppy" since meeting him in L.A. earlier this month, and declares their relationship is "the real thing."

Hmm...the real thing. Well, I'll have to see it to believe it. I mean, the way Kirsten goes through boyfriends - Christ, I've worn pairs of underwear for longer than some of her relationships have lasted. Not that Kiki is a slut, she's just...choosy. She's looking for something specific in a man, and if she doesn't find it, no sense messing around. So, maybe she has finally found what she's looking for in this Borrell character. Somebody who will love her in spite of her dental issues, and the fact that she sometimes holds the books upside-down when she's being photographed pretending to read them. And in spite of her propensity to occasionally wash out gutters with her puke (or maybe because of it - he is a rocker, after all).

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Douglas And Zeta-Jones's Marriage On The Rocks

The unholy union between gorgeous actress Catherine Zeta-Jones and Viagra-popping fossil Michael Douglas may be coming to a bitter end. A source close to the couple, who've been married for six years, reports that they can barely stand being in each other's presence anymore, and that Michael has become mean and sarcastic since Catherine was photographed holding hands with hunky actor Aaron Eckhart at an awards show. Says the source:

They used to spend loads of time together. Not any more. Back when they first got together and had really hectic schedules, they always made time for one another. But now, with endless time on their hands, they can barely stand being together. ... Whenever they're in the same room it usually turns into a blazing row ... It's a very combustible situation.

Michael recently showed his irritation during an interview, where he quipped that he would like to murder Catherine - in a movie. Said the vicious old dinosaur:

I'd be the villain, because nobody likes older guys with younger women. We'll get her a young leading man and I'll be the bad guy. And I'll off one of them.

Catherine reportedly became infuriated at this crack. If I were her I'd unhook the fucker's oxygen and beat it out of there. She's still fairly young - not even forty yet - and could easily hook herself a handsome young stud who likes a woman with a little experience. Meanwhile, Douglas might as well just haul himself to the La Brea tar pits and jump in. And bring that old fart of a father with him.

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Nicole Kidman Is Pregnant

Wild-haired movie-star Nicole Kidman has become pregnant, according to Woman's Day magazine. Kidman had been taking fertility treatments for months, reports the mag, and has finally managed to become sperminated by hubby Keith Urban. Says a source close to Nicole and Keith:

They've been riding on clouds since they got the news. Nicole's been hoping for this since the day they got married. Everyone knows how she's been aching to have a baby. It's all she's been talking about for ages

So, I guess Keith's years of drinking and drugging didn't render him impotent after all. Great job Keith. And Nicole - congratulations to you, babe. Something finally managed to take root in that barren womb of yours. Now you'll have a little nipper to mold and shape as you see fit. One word of advice though - keep the poor little kid away from Tom, all right? If it's a girl and she's cute enough, that sick fuck might try to marry her.

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Lindsay Says She's Dating, Won't Say Who

Lindsay Lohan says she's dating again, but refuses to divulge the identity of the individual. She dropped the little clue about her personal life to People magazine at last night's premiere for Showtime's The Tudors, denying it was Brandon Davis (thank God), and saying, "It's no one here."

Could it be Stavros Niarchos, who broke up with Paris Hilton recently? Lindsay and Stavros were seen together at Teddy's...

My God, I'm turning into one of those icky Mike Walker-type gossip-people aren't I? I feel so dirty. So, so dirty.

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Piers Morgan Takes Down Kate Moss And Pete Doherty

Former tabloid editor Piers Morgan has a new book out, Don't You Know Who I Am?: Insider Diaries Of Fame, Power And Naked Ambition (which I am not being paid to pimp, so shut it), which is apparently mostly him ripping various celebrities to shreds. My favorite excerpt from the book so far details Morgan's run-in with Kate Moss and Pete Doherty at a masked ball. This shit is too damn funny:

I've never quite got the Kate Moss thing. How this stroppy, pinch-faced little coke-snorter from Croydon ever made it to become the world's No. 1 supermodel is quite beyond me. But even that is not as incomprehensible as her obsession with that filthy, talentless junkie Pete Doherty.

So when I found I was at the same party as them tonight, I was intrigued. It was a stunningly glamorous masked ball in an extraordinary gothic villa in Twickenham, attended by the most beautiful crowd imaginable, and I spent a happy hour flitting around various themed rooms.

Then a jittery PR woman marched up and demanded: "Could you move? Kate and Pete want to come through here, but they're terrified of you."

"Kate and Pete who?" 'You know who." Of course, silly me. But why so 'terrified'? Perhaps they think I'm still editing the Mirror, which exposed Kate's drug problem last year.

A photographer told me they were in the karaoke room and I headed down there, sporting my Phantom-Of-The-Opera-style face mask, and found Kate, Pete and their ten-strong entourage sprawled across some leather sofas.

Kate was curled up into a little ball, writhing and shaking and guzzling greedily from a bottle of champagne. She looked tiny, pimply, wide-eyed, and had a nose like Danniella Westbrook's.

Pete was not much bigger, wearing black goggles and a coat in the hot room, and swaying from side to side as the entourage guffawed at every word he slurred.

This was supposed to be the personification of crazy, fun-loving, rock 'n' roll, A-list cool, but instead I observed a joyless, pathetic scene of self-absorbed artificiality.

Then, with wonderful irony, Itchycoo Park by the Small Faces - chorus: "It's all too beautiful" - started playing on the karaoke machine.

Pete grabbed the microphone and started singing. Well, when I say singing, I mean he began emitting a tuneless, whining noise more akin to a live lobster being brought to the boil.

I assumed it was a wind-up and laughed, but it wasn't. Kate flashed me an angry stare: there was a nonworshipper in the room.

Pete was shambling around like a hyena on acid. He looked dirty, sweaty and puffy-cheeked, and he was murdering the song with every agonising groan he made. Yet Kate and the entourage cooed and drooled as if they were having a collective orgasm.

Then Pete bumped into a wall and I laughed louder, provoking another ferocious stare from Kate, which made me laugh even louder. And if you laugh that loudly while wearing a mask then eventually you need air. I dropped the mask.

Kate saw my face and gasped in horror. "Oh fucking hell, what is he doing in 'ere?" she snarled in a rough South London twang. "Just get 'im out," she shrieked.

A security man ran to my side: "I'm sorry, Mr Morgan, but you must leave the party."

"Er, why?" "Because there have been complaints about you."

"But I haven't said or done anything, this is not a private room, and it's not their party, is it?"

"No, sir, but you're still going to have to leave."

I left the masked ball, frogmarched out, to the cheers and jeers of the entourage.

But I'm glad I've finally met Kate Moss, because at least now, when people ask me what she's really like, I can answer with some authority: "Well, just as I thought, she's a drunken, foul-mouthed, ill-mannered, paranoid Croydon girl with a cocaine-desecrated hooter and spots.

"And Pete's a filthy, talentless junkie who can't sing."

As for me, well I learned once again that there is no greater truism than, "If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

Poshy And Beckham Get Loaded

David and Victoria Beckham met up with rapper Sean Combs at the Automat Bar in London last night, and got completely loaded on Cristal. Hmm, I wonder if Becks holds Poshy's hair for her when she pukes, or if she's got someone else to do that.



Poshy's nipples are dangerous weapons when she's sober, so imagine how deadly they are when she's drunk. Seriously - you have to be careful if you're going in to suck one of those things. One wrong move and you could lose an eye.



Aw, she's hanging all over him and muttering and stuff. Ain't that cute? They're such a loving couple of dimwitted booze-monkeys.

Princes Like Grabbing Boobs

I'm not that conversant with English law, but apparently, it's written someplace that if you're a member of the royal family you have the right - perhaps even the duty - to grab every boob that comes within range of your hand. In this case the hand belongs to Prince William, the guy who's eventually going to be king of England, and the boob to an 18-year-old Brazilian student named Ana Ferreira, who met William at a nightclub in Bournemouth, Dorset while the prince and some of his tank-brigade buddies were taking a night off. Well, you know, he was there, she was there, her boob was there, and these things happen. Er...but now somebody has to explain that to Prince Charles, who's apparently pretty cheesed after finding out about William's boob-grab on top of Harry's little photographer mishap the other night. Well, I say Prince Charles needs to chill out. These guys are young and at least one of them is hot (not Harry), and when you're young and hot and royal, boobs are just naturally going to wind up in your hand. What, Charles never groped that psycho Diana before he married her? Of course he did. And every other boob within striking distance. Charles's problem is that, ever since he married that kraken Camilla, he's forgotten what sex is. He's jealous that his lads are running around groping hot-looking young Brazilian students while he's in bed with a chick who makes Winston Churchill look like Rita Hayworth. Give it a rest Charles.

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New Dream Couple: Lindsay And Robbie

Look who had their picture taken getting comfy at last night's after-party for the premiere of the new Showtime series The Tudors - yup, recently rehabbed trouble-makers Robbie Williams and Lindsay Lohan. Oh, God, please let these two become a couple. Please please please. I'll do anything you want God. I'll stop taking your name in vain. I'll give up Chunky Monkey. I'll even quit wacking off to Rock Hudson movies. Anything, just, let them be together.



Oh, Lindsay's doing that naughty, what-you-talkin'-about look of hers. That means something's up. Robbie, you are the man.



I don't know about you, but that looks to me like a woman who's getting ready to go down on a guy. And that looks like a man who's ready to be gone down on. And I'm a gossip-monger who's ready for some salacious details from a Robbie/Lindsay hook-up. Please, God. Please.